this ole' house

guys, i moved a deck on thursday.  i moved.  a deck.

in many pieces.  all the wood from the old deck is now separated into two stacks, the leaf bags all in a row, the whole lawn - front and back- mowed.  all before 1030.  i am my own hero.

this week: painting and prepping the bedrooms for the new carpet. and the lights.  and hopefully the garbage disposal.

gotta say, as proud as i am, i'm ready to be done with this. i'm tired. i love the timing of all this, and how i'm able to do this with no roommates to inconvenience, but it means i have no roommates to help.  or even just to turn up the volume on the tv.

i love painting and fixing things and arranging and planning.  and i've learned just how much i love Home Depot.  this is BAD news for the budget.

but so much fun to write about.

not a single project has gone as planned. as phrased in a text, this house was a "blazing conglomeration of death traps" that we have been fixing one by one as we find them, and weeping each time it involves another question, text, call or trip to a home improvement store for a random tool to fix whatever idiocy we uncovered.

saturday afternoon was the final straw, as i was preparing the closet for painting and had to fix the shelf with a screw coming out that was unable to bear weight. the 3 or 4 inch construction nails had been holding up the shelf braces, which were jammed between the wall and doorframe, both ends immediately in the corners of the closet and all but inaccessible.  i was not in the mood.  rarely am i in the mood for stupidity.  the drywall learned that lesson, and i learned why the crowbar is now called a "ripping chisel."

somewhere near the beginning of the home fix-it projects i came across this song, fed to me by YouTube's autoplay function, that great destroyer of time and productivity. it's even better than the Gaither version, mostly because watching the singers is such a hysterical delight.  like, they bounce. and poke each other and are clearly having the time of their lives. its infectious.

EHSS - This Ole House/When the Saints Go Marching In (Medley) [Live]

but more than their stage presence, it's the actual song. given my current situation, it's such a dead-on analogy i've listened to this song an irrational number of times the past several months. 

besides the fact that i really, truly, do NOT have time to oil hinges, fix shingles, install flooring or replace window panes- i don't want to have time. i have literally done all of these things this calendar year, and i'm soooo over it!!  :P

i also do not want anyone thinking i'm psychotic and about to do something horrid and drastic.  i'm not.

but i am tired.  so, so tired. i know i still get asked when i'm graduating, and am treated like i'm a decade younger than i am, but i've seen enough and done enough and experienced enough that most of the time i feel like a 300 year old.  it's no secret that i've had decades with depression, and if anyone else tells me to "pray it off" like indigestion, they might meet my ripping chisel, too. (just kidding.  well, they might meet it, but not as intimately as the drywall).  it's legit, it's been/being treated, and it's probs going to be another really long time before it's gone- if it ever is.  this world is chock full of… everything i'm tired of. even when you stop and smell the roses, there are thorns, there are storm clouds, there are termites and terrorists and tachydysrhythmias. there are hurts that will never heal on this earth, troubles that are permanent  down here and desires that this 70-year blip of life was never meant to fulfill. 

getting through the storms in this life is less about finding the rainbows than it is about looking forward to the land that has no storms.  we don't smile through pain simply by adding sugar to help the medicine go down (though it helps), but by remembering that in the next life there are no diseases or death or drugs.  just like that charming bass sang, it's a lot harder to cry about creaky knees if you see Gabriel at your door parking his chariot horses.

many people see death as depressing and morbid and hopeless.

not me.

i feel like i get what Paul the Apostle said- that he was torn between staying here and ministering, versus running full throttle towards the headsman knowing Jesus was on the other side of the axe. he didn't have a death wish and neither do i.  but he did have a perspective i appreciate a bit more, day by day. 

this physical house is temporary, as are our physical selves.  our church community has just recently lost someone close to many, many people.  while we mourn the loss, i think there's a little bit in each of us that wishes we could have followed her right away.  her chariot came faster than we thought it would, and her suffering is all over and she is experiencing all the wonders of heaven that we can only dream about and sing about as we wait our turn to march into glory with the saints.  Jesus told His disciples He was going to prepare a place for us, and that when He was done, He would come and take us to our new forever-Home.  i love thinking that as i work on this barn down here, He's working on our palaces.  i'd be happy with a shack up there, as long as it's close to that River of Life- but He's making palaces and mansions!

as i wait for my turn, i'll keep on working on keeping the house-house and the person-house in as good condition as possible. it's not all bad.  the new paint smells great, and looks even better.  the new garbage disposal actually works, after we (meaning, "Dad") traced the problem back to the switch, and it only took 2 hours and ALL my patience to convince that one d___g screw in the ceiling fan to work. this too shall pass.

but until it does pass, i shall be belting out funny old gospel songs and keeping my eyes fixed on those permanent glorious houses above and the friends, saints and the Savior who have all gone on before. 

abidin' my time

thinking about it right now, this week is a first for me.  i've never just up and taken a week off work with no specific plans.  but after 4 straight weeks of working at least 1 overtime shift, i'm worn out.  and since my sister and i hadn't had time to make plans… i just kept the time off.  that time is now over half gone, but i've caught up on sleep, my blood pressure's gone back down and i've been able to do fun things like stain the new deck, start painting the front hallway and take in a stray kitten who is a 550 gram walking skeleton, but the cutest skeleton you've ever seen.  she's been to the vet, eaten as much as the 11 pound cat and hopefully will be booger-free once her antibiotics are done.

i've only had to turn down 2 requests for work.  it was hard both times. i love my job, too much if that's possible.  i like being busy, i love doing things, i love seeing good spread and knowing i had a part in it.  i am by nature a problem-solver, and broken things that i can't fix are hard for me to accept.  i hate hearing statistics that say non-Christians give more, do more and do it faster and bigger than churches and religious organizations.  even if they're not all true, or twisted, i have this burning aching desire to find a million dollars and go on a thousand mission trips- all while running a house full of cats, working full time overnight hours and even the inside of a gym once in a while.  we have yet another mission team serving in South Africa right now, one headed to Memphis next month, 5 missionary families we support and at least 3 missions in Jackson.  i want to do all of them.

beyond impossible, it's insane.

so…. what, then?  God tells us to do good… and this world is in such desperate need of good that it's exhausting to even think about the enormity of the mission given to us. the new testament is chock full of parables and commands and lessons on  bearing fruit, making disciples, loving everyone everywhere all the time.  like, my mind is whirling faster than a spinning top.  how?  how on earth can i get it all done?!?!

is your pulse rising yet? mine is.

and then….

then i heard just what i needed to hear. our Bible study group is working through James this summer and chapter 2 again explains how faith without works is dead and beyond useless. and again, we were all drawn to the needs we saw and felt drawn to participate in.  the "doing" had become the main focus in about 2 seconds.  we know that works have nothing to do with salvation, but that they draw a clear line between genuine faith and the fake stuff.  and if i needed more confirmation that i was forgetting a key part of the deal, i came across this entertaining sermon as well:

 http://www.summitrdu.com/message/you-cant-do-it-but-he-can/

flip back a few pages to the tail end of the book of John, who knew James.  i'd pay a booger-load of money to be able to hear the conversations they must have had.  John had the heavy privilege of hearing Jesus's most intimate sermon ever, the night before He was arrested. right about the point where His disciples were probably going dizzy in the head from all He's said, He brings everything together and sums it up with three little words: "Abide in Me."

that's it.

not, "Pull out your planners and wallets and smartphones" or, "here are My top 10 ministry choices, ready, set, go"  or even a "good luck."  all He says is "Abide in Me."

but the ministries that need volunteers and donations? "Abide in Me."

or the refugees that need food and water and homes? "Abide in Me."

but… but what about those missionaries who's funding got cut?  "Abide in Me."

and the homeless here?  with the poor and under-educated and ex-cons shunned by others? and the environment and abandoned kitties and the polar bears?  WHO'S GOING TO SAVE THE POLAR BEARS?!?!?

 "Abide in Me."

those few brief sentences outline His whole plan for us.  He's the vine and we are the branches.  now, if you, unlike me, did NOT have rosebushes larger than a minivan (no lie) that you had to prune back to the ground, you may not know what branches do.  it's not a whole lot.  they abide.  even on a cellular level, branches are like tubes that water pushes up through from the roots and the vine.  the nutrients go straight through from the bottom, and then, as long as the branch is attached, all kinds of blooming and fruit happen on the top.  the only prerequisite is that the branch abide.  it's a rather passive word, 'abide.'  so little  to 'do' and plan and … that's the beauty of it. He does it all.  we're the channels, and if we abide, the fruit of His Spirit will spring out the ends of branches faster than the hungry, aching world can devour it.  there's nothing He can't do, and there's everything we can't if we're reading calendars and budgets instead of His word. not that we should never do anything, especially when we are called out to do His work, but that we should recognize that it's His work, not ours.

i'm putting "abiding" at the top of my to-do list.  yes, there are still things that need to happen, and the stay-cation is more than half over, so i'll be back at work soon.  but that, and everything else in my life, will be a billion times more productive if i keep my eyes on Him.  abiding in Him, there's no time for all this stress.

He's got it all under control.

even the polar bears.

trailblazing with the I AM

i have always known i'm more of a visual/kinesthetic learner than an auditory one.  i still remember the "Aha" moment in AP Biology class, senior year of high school when after reading the textbook and hearing Ms K explain it while looking at the slide, and suddenly i understood DNA, RNA, tRNA, and mRNA with their little amino acids and the process of protein production.  it was like magic.  i loved it.  a week later, i was still one of 2 students who got it. 

the weird thing is that outside the classroom, most of my "Aha" moments….turned out to be false.  after 2,228,985 times of being told something, even a visual learner will "get it."  (unless you were in that AP class and still asking months later to cheat off my test…you know who you are.  i hope you're not reading this.)

i love how Jesus almost always used visuals in His teachings, and how He related huge important things to concepts that His listeners could understand.  these guys had never eaten lunch with God Almighty before- eating pita and hearing "I AM the good shepherd" must have been the biggest "Aha" moment ever to those shepherds. "I AM the light of the world" implies all kinds of things, even in a world with electricity. "Come to me, all who weary and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I AM gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your soul. for My yoke is easy and My burden is light"  make a lot of sense when you're feeling lost and tired and confused and stupid and stuck.

a friend explained what i'm dealing with in a way that's easy to visualize- it's the difference between a footpath in the wilderness vs. a superhighway.  most people's natural thought processes are footpaths to me.  my neurons don't naturally go that route.  they're zooming off the opposite direction at 75 mph, cruise control on and radio rocking.  i'm having to consciously, repeatedly, intentionally re-route everything to get back on course.  taking detours and back roads, forging ways through overgrown trails that are as thoughtless as breathing to people i know.

i'm tired, man.  i'm tired.  it's mentally draining to scrap everything you knew (or thought you knew) and start from the beginning, to learn that every conclusion you'd been led to for years on end was a lie, and -even better- most of the friends and people i look up to recognize it as false because their trail was already cleared, smoothed, paved and painted by the time they were in kindergarten.  it's an interstate highway by this point, complete with rest stops for the weary,  mile markers for the OCD and rehab-ing convicts picking up the litter and mowing the weeds.

it's more of an effort than you might think for me to hear things that contradict my inbred mental pathways.  it's getting easier but it's still not easy.  it's taken massive doses of truth, repeated over and over and over again, to find a few grains that i can latch on to.  even more effort to figure out what to do with those grains, then still more effort to do whatever it is that needs doing.  i am SO glad that i have access to so many sermons and podcasts and helpful books and a wealth of edifying music.  thank you, YouTube.

i was on YouTube tonight looking up the most random song ever that i hadn't heard of in years, and came across what Oprah Winfrey claims in the sermon that turned her life around.

2,228,985- that's how many views this video has.  i am almost ashamed to say one of those views was mine.  it's probably higher now, but i am too scared to check.

Oprah needs to take another U-turn at the next possible moment.

not to name names, but the "pastor's" name rhymes with Bowl Shmovstein.

and for 26 minutes i half-listened to a guy with no seminary experience at all talk about a Bible WITHOUT EVER OPENING IT ONCE. 

what he said sounded "nice."

what he said was false.  like, omg, that's-actually-not-true kind of statements.

he said that the "I am" statements i make to myself will come true. 

he said i get to choose what follows the "I am".

he said that "all through the day, the power of the "I am" is at work."

I'm mentally patting myself on the back right now.  i feel like i dodged a 26-minute bullet to my soul.  honestly, a part of me wishes he were right.  it would be grand if i could say something and have it become true, just because i "invited it into my life."  think how cool it would feel if i chose how those statements about myself ended.

and how powerful i would seem if what i said dominated every waking moment.

but think how scary it is to trade his "I am" statements for the I AM. 

see, when i actually pick up the Bible and read what it says, instead of announcing what i want it to say to me, i find some other statements.

it says that I AM has made statements that always are true.

it says that i've been chosen by I AM and i can choose to follow.

it says that all through the day, the power of I AM is at work.

i don't understand many of I AM's statements- even the ones that sound awesome. i'm not writing this because i have plumbed the depths of knowledge and can divulge the hidden secrets of Scripture- rather the opposite. 

i know surprisingly little, and believe even less- even on a good day.

but i do know some "I am" statements, and what i've been learning is that these are even more powerful than most anything, even Mr Bowl's teeth whitening strips.

the I AM is the one who made stars and starfish and mountains and caves and volcanoes and clouds and camels and dirt and lightening and amoebas.

the I AM is the one who is the same yesterday and today and forever.

the I AM is the head of the Trinity.  good luck with understanding that.

the I AM came down in human form for the sole purpose of manifesting Himself to the world and redeeming His own.

the I AM is a bit more patient with me than i am with myself.

the I AM has a timescale that is utterly different from ours.

the I AM is un-understandable…and this is a good thing.

to be fair, Bowl did say at the end that (after you repeated a few selected words to magically become saved) you should join a "good, Bible-believing church", so not everything he said was false.

he just didn't realize that his whole lifestyle goes kaput if the audience actually followed that piece of advice. 

i have been trapped most of this week on my mental highway, unable to escape onto that way of Truth where i need to be.  it's a bummer. i'm stuck, and the closest i can come to getting un-stuck is this.  but every time i step onto the trail, it gets a little wider, a little easier, a little better.  every time i hear falsehood and counter it with Truth, it's a victory.  every time i can ditch "I am" statements and run to the I AM, it's like the prodigal coming home again.

if you've got lies buzzing around your head like this fly that i'm about to destroy, don't go to Bowl. go to the Book.

you get to choose to follow the I AM, and no matter what size or condition your mental pathway is in, He's there calling for you.  He's probably got a sign for us visual learners, too. 

Hark it, you Baptist!

things that never get smaller:

-healthcare insurance coverage prices

-sin

-women's purses

-apparently, the universe

things that never get larger

-children's level of wide-eyed amazement at things that adults are simply too busy to give more than a passing thought to.

like Christmas.

it can't get larger because it's already maxed out, and it only shrinks as they "mature."

i was walking through the front yard of a friend (because it's shorter than walking all the way around to the walkway) and the strap of my favorite, $3 Brasilian purse snapped.  that night was when i realized my standards have changed when it comes to purses.  back when i first started carrying a purse and bought a real, adult purse, the one i got appealed to me and was just the perfect size.  it held everything i needed it to.

that list of things i need to have held in a purse has expanded, and now that i must go back to this purse, it is no longer big enough. this is a crisis of epic proportions, and necessitates the purchase of a purse that can hold everything i need for a nuclear war evacuation crisis. if the trend continues, and this purse break, i'll just have to upgrade to a suitcase.

the full list of necessities is too long to bother with.  it's like the Christmas list of things to do, most of which has already been eliminated as "sooo not happening."  i actually did a christmas card/letter, which was as adult-ish and organized as i could get this year. there is only so much i can get together before i snap.  sadly, the snapping of my mood happened a few hours after the snapping of the purse. i tried so hard, but i couldn't push it any more. 

there are some times and seasons that are harder for me to get on board with.  holidays are one of those times and seasons.  i'm psyched out for all you guys surrounded by happiness,  happy family members and happy foods and your favorite ad-free Pandora stations. that's not even sarcastic- i really am.  but i have no real concept of that.  that happiness fluctuates, flickers and then fizzes out.  it takes all my energy to keep it going, and once it's gone- that's it.

i'm tired of waiting for things to change, to get better, for people to stop being jerks, for walls to be torn down instead of built, for children to stop dying, for innocents to stop paying the price for evildoers, for money to grow on ficus trees, for Chip and Joanna Gains to come redo my house … the list goes on.  but i'm tired of waiting.  it's been years since i had any semblance of a happy holiday with my family all together.  don't even bother giving me the "no family is perfect" speech.  duh.  i know that.  but some have deeper ruts and potholes than others.  i'm so, so, so grateful for the 2 or 3 families that "adopt" me each holiday, and for a job where i can work and get paid to do what i love and be around my work family for the times i can't be with anyone else.  but even still, i spent most of the holiday time waiting- for the holiday time to end.  i'm sitting in Panera, which is jam-packed and hotter than a sauna, and i'm the only one sitting alone.  (and the 3 year old sitting facing me next table over has a scary-hideous doll.  i might even have nightmares over that thing.)  3 people i know have run over to say hi, then left because they are with friends and family and barely remember anything about me- which gets super-awkward super-quickly. 

i digress.  waiting for all those things to change seems pointless.  it's impossible to fathom any of those changes occurring.  that's what that is- a list of impossibilities. 

and then i went to church.

i love stories that start (or continue) that way.

i think it's become the new "thing" for pastors to choose some of the least appealing Bible verses ever and create sermons that expound on their usefulness and rich meaning hiding in those unending verses on ritual laws, sacrifices and genealogies.  if you tell me Matthew chapter 1 is your favorite passage, i'm going to call you a liar to your face next time i see it.  not that i'm knocking this new "thing." in fact, it may only be because this sunday was the third, fourth or twentieth time i've heard a sermon on Matthew chapter 1 that i did get something new out of it.

confession moment: i lost Jesus Points when i inwardly rolled my eyes as the pastor read every. single. name. in. all. 17. verses.  all of them. Saint Matthew did not even record all of them, either, i don't think.  i hate how grateful i am for that. i'm a bad Baptist- sorry.

but then i listened.  i listened to another list of impossibilities.

there are 47 names total, if i counted right, listed in verses 1-17. this doesn't count 14+ other persons referred to, but not named (Judah's brothers -11, Jeconiah's brothers- 2+, and Bathsheba). of those 47 names, i can easily count at least 15 inconsistencies, improbabilities or impossibilities.  and that's only Joseph's side of the genealogy, and only the names and situations i'm familiar with.

1. let's start with Abraham.  this guy is a fossil. one foot in the grave, the other on a 99-year old banana peel and -BAM!- he's a brand new dad.

2. Isaac.  technically, Abraham's second-born son who carried the promise despite a half-brother who could have sought revenge, and his dad's incredible wealth, and a near run-in with his dad's knife on an altar, involving a father-son retreat, a whole lot of questions, and a divinely appointed/visually impaired (?) ram.

3. Jacob. another second-born son, a class-act jerk/liar with a death threat…frankly, he just about deserved it. he got away with a limp, and an awareness of how close he came to being murdered slowly and painfully.

4. Judah.  son of Leah, who Jacob married BY ACCIDENT.  the scammer got scammed, big-time.  and the girl whose dad thought of as too ugly to find a husband (not even kidding you) became the mother of Judah, whose name means "praised one" because this time she said "this time i will praise Yahweh." instead of seeking favor from men, who clearly had morals anywhere but where they were supposed to be, she gained joy from the One who sees not as man sees.

5. Perez.  ummm, eww.  so he was born, it was gross, don't read this to children, moving on.

6. Boaz.  his mom was a hooker who was graciously spared the death sentence placed on every single other soul in her city (except for the family she begged mercy for).  not only was she granted her life, but also a family within God's chosen people and a prominent spot in Jesus's family line.

7. Obed.  his mom was a chick with major resolve and loyalty… from MOAB.  Moabites were not known for their faithfulness to Yahweh or their morals.  intermarriage was not supposed to happen, but this one did and was blessed beyond belief.

8. David.  greatest, coolest, most popular king of all began his days as a shepherd.  the runt of the litter (he had, like, 7 thousand brothers.  or 7.  either way.) and was practically forgotten by his dad.  good thing he was a hottie, or he'd have nothing- NOTHING- going for him.

9. Solomon.  also not the best family-friendly story, but nonetheless used by God. an awfully unholy relationship meant he was born.  later on, following his dad's example, he won zero "world's best dad" mugs. trophies and plaques from round the world, but his home life was a mess of rather epic proportions.

10. Bathsheba. not even mentioned, probably a Hittite and possibly a pagan.  it is unclear how much of the affair was her fault, but after losing the resulting son, God gave her another one- Solomon, the wisest and richest king of all time, everywhere.

11. Uriah. i know, i know.  he's not even part of the lineage.  he *was* one of King David's best friends, had super-high rank in the legendary "Mighty Men"- until Dave decided to sleep with Bathsheba his wife, have him straight-up murdered and not think twice about it.  i love how even though he had no genetic contribution, it's his name mentioned, not Bathsheba.  he was faithful to his king, his country, and likely also Yahweh- faithful to the death and honorable to the end.  and his name is here, hundreds of years later.

12. Rehoboam.  an idiot who destroyed the empire Solomon built.  his dad was in the grave all of ten seconds before the bad decision-making began and he alienated 95% of his subjects, who subsequently rejected him. for some odd reason, he was not assassinated.

13. Hezekiah. spared miraculously from death by Sennacherib and the full might of the Assyrian army, then spared miraculously from death by illness.  stories like his are awesome, and rare.  read it. fun fact:  one of the most well-known prophecies regarding Jesus's birth (likely) came during that invasion of Assyria, when every Israelite was shaking in his sandals and puking from sheer terror.  Micah 5:2-5a says:

 "But you, Bethlehem Ephrathah, who are too little to be among the clans of Judah, from you shall come forth for me one who is to be ruler in Israel, whose coming forth is from of old, from ancient days.  Therefore he shall give them up until the time when she who is labor has given birth; then the rest of his brothers shall return to the people of Israel.  And he shall stand and shepherd his flock in the strength of the Lord, in the majesty of the name of the Lord his God.  and they shall dwell secure, for now he shall be great to the ends of the earth.  and he shall be their peace."

Micah 5:1 and 5:5b-6 both mention sieges and Assyrians and swords and scary things.

14. Babylon.  instead of simply killing the entire royal line after the Babylonian captivity, Jechoniah survives and so does his family line.  captivities are perfect times for bad things to happen, for people to get murdered, for rebellions to be squashed and for God to show His hand in incredible ways by not having any of those things happen.  the Babylonians were not a much better option than the Assyrians, but neither could defeat Yahweh's plan.

15. may as well bring it up, even though everybody knows it. Mary.  she was only half-way married, according to what i've heard of ancient betrothal customs of the day.  there was a legal contract (Step 1), but the actual wedding ceremony (Step 2) had not happened yet.  one source i read stated that because of this, the whole oops-Mary-is-pregnant thing was only a small scandal, instead of the full-blown, front-page news story it could have been, but still.  God said "it's time for Christmas" and He found Mary.  the fact that she had no idea what she was doing had no bearing on the situation.  God did know what He was doing, and she submitted.

*** 

the shepherds sitting on a hill that lonely night of unknown exactness were also tired of waiting.  they were bored out of their skulls, playing chess for the millionth time with each other, hopefully with their sheepies safe in the paddock for the night.  taking turns watching for stray wolves or bears or IRS agents, they all saw the most unexpected guy.   

he was shiny.

he was in the sky.

and he was SINGING.

and then all his shiny, singing buddies showed up too.

their waiting was over. 400 years of a whole lot of NOTHING, and now the time foretold had come.  and instead of busting into the royal palace bedrooms and priests' compounds and even the Holy Temple, the Herald Angels came to the shepherds, and they Harked. 

there's at least 15 reasons why Hark the Herald Angels Sing is basically my favorite Christmas song of all time forever.

1-14 are because that sight, on that night, is so incredibly incredible is blows my mind to smithereens and makes my pulse go up and my eyes tear up and.. and.. i can't understand how anyone can hear that song and not jump up and down and go tearing up and down the sanctuary aisles.  EVEN THE BAPTISTS.

like, COME ON NOW.  THERE ARE ANGELS SINGING RIGHT OVER YOUR HEADS. 

SHOUTING, " JESUS IS HERE!!!!  HE'S  FINALLY, FINALLY HERE!!! "

JOIN THEM!!!! 
WHY ARE YOU STILL SITTING?!?!

reason 15 is that there are few other hymns that contain so much theology from Genesis to Revelation that speak to what most humans feel, if you can bear to sing past the second verse (…when did churches stop doing that?).   because this post isn't long enough, i'm going to put all the verses here.  you may not have another chance this Christmas season, and that is a travesty.

Hark! the herald angels sing, "Glory to the newborn King!"

Peace on earth and mercy mild, God and sinner reconciled.

Joyful, all ye nations rise- join the triumph of the skies

with angelic hosts proclaim, "Christ is born in Bethlehem!"

Christ, by highest heaven adored, Christ the everlasting Lord:

late in time behold him come, offspring of the virgin's womb.

veiled in flesh the God-head see, hail the incarnate deity

pleased as man with men to dwell, Jesus our Emmanuel!

hail the heaven-born prince of Peace, hail the Son of Righteousness!

Light and Life to all He brings, risen with healing in His wings.

mild He lays His glory by, born that man no more may die;

born to raise the sons of earth, born to give them second birth.

come Desire of Nations, come, fix in us Thy humble home.

Rise, the woman's conquering seed- bruise in us the serpent's head!

Adam's likeness now efface, stamp Thy image in its place!

Second Adam from above, reinstate us in Thy love.

Hark! the herald angels sing, "glory to the newborn King!"

the social rejects of the day were the first to get the baby shower invitations. the poor ones, the bottom of the totem poles, the victims of a screwed up society who had even worse political scenery than we do-  God must thrive on possibilifying impossibilities, because the whole Bible's full of it.  somehow, out of a chronically depressing situation, hope came. no parties were thrown, no family get-togethers, no lunatics destroying the marketplaces with their insane bargain-hunting. 

the shepherds just had to go.  they may have washed up and changed shirts (if they had a spare), but probs not.  they had no gift but the gift of their simple, joyful acceptance of the fact that their Savior had come, and their delicious odor.  it fit in well with the barnyard scene.

if your life is full of impossible hopes and dreams, you are in good company. 

if you are lonely, and hopeful- or maybe unhopeful

or fearful, surrounded by enemies and under siege from all sides

or looking at your family/living situation and wondering what the snap is going on

or just waiting. waiting with your tissues in hand and your heart on the line

or aching for that healing

or still wounded by that serpent and his curse, suffering from the fact that we trace our lineage to Adam, through murderers, hookers, rapists, terrorists, rebels, and every other sort of sinner just like me.

Hope came, and it is coming again.  Emmanuel really is with us, even when we don't feel Him.  the Second Adam is doing everything the first one couldn't.  someday soon, the impossibilities will be no longer.

i do not have the voice of an angel, nor can i levitate above your head and shine.

what i can do is cry.  i'm shedding tears this Christmas because of several deep-cutting impossibilities that are weighing me down this season.  i'm not okay now, so you just need to be okay with that.  don't try to fix it- just let me feel this now.  don't worry- i know what's coming. the angels are coming again, and so is Christ, by heaven's highest adored, Christ the Everlasting Lord with more Light, Life and Healing that i can fathom.

some of these tears are tears of Hope.  i can almost hear those herald angels still, and that song is a beautiful, beautiful one.

and i just wanna keep harking for a little while longer.

the banana peel

i was chatting with a friend today over some tea, and somehow this dog i used to know came up in the convo.  i wish it had not.  this was not my least favorite dog, but it was nowhere close to my Top 10 either.  how this dog survived as long as it did is remarkable.  this was one of those creatures you could describe as "three paws in the grave, and the last one on a banana peel."  the amount of fur it shed was disgustingly impressive, it only moved out of necessity, and there were days when some doggy activities didn't count as a necessity worth moving for.  this dog, however, had a happy spirit that i've rarely seen in a living being with that many health issues.

every time i get through a shift like last night, i'm filled with the same kind of awe. nights like that are a present…gift-wrapped by Hades himself.  i seriously can't remember the last time so many things, so many alarms, so many babies, so many everythings all happened at the same time.  so you kNOW that's when the 3rd computer of the night shuts down, the isolette flashes "System Error 25" instead of working, my patients are crying, others' might be dying, and i am LITERALLY playing "Telephone" with the NNP and I.T. because the phone cord won't reach to the antagonistic computer we had to fix. no one died, but i thought about a lot of bad words, and i'm still praying for some of our patients who aren't out of the woods yet. 

this tea we were sipping was at the house of a more recent friend who has gone through quite a valley herself, and this tea party was hosted in the honor of her lost daughter, who i had only met once in August and was gone a week later.

thoughts and memories like these made me all the more thankful for this thing we call "life," but even more so for the Life that's coming.  i can't fathom how life can be so fragile and short, but yet so durable for decades.  i'd fail if you asked me to explain the kidneys to you.  i can plug in a new isolette, but if the d**n thing keeps alarming and shutting down right when 14 other things and people need my attention, i still can't figure out what to do.  besides prioritize that as LAST. 

but i have learned a few things, from people, circumstances, books, sermons and music.

-life is really like a banana (/banana peel).

it's weird, multi-dimensional, hard to describe, and often hard to handle.  most people get along fine with it, but then again not.  one will fill you up, but sharing it with the right person doesn't leave you any less full. there's never a trash can available when i eat bananas (those rare times), and it's just plain awkward walking around a stringy wad of browning banana-ness to find one.  

- your suffering brings others to God

i've listened to 5 months of sermons in the past 2 weeks, and the most recent centered on Namaan, a pagan idolater who was healed by Jehovah because of the Hebrew slave girl he "owned." even though her family and friends were likely all dead because of this guy, and she was kidnapped and pressed into slave labor through no fault of her own- she still cared enough about her master to tell him of the One she knew could heal him from leprosy.  i'm not that nice, i don't think, but it was nice to hear again the idea that God can do 10,000 things all at once even if i only know about 3 of them (John Piper).  and of the 9,997 other things going on, 9,992 have nothing to do with me (JD Greear). suffering in this life has a purpose whether you know it or not.

-your suffering brings you to God

this past week, i learned that 2 people in my life have cancer.  i immediately thought about that day in late march when i heard the words "you have a mass…. a large one." and then was directed to go to Memphis RIGHT AWAY to speak to an oncological surgeon.  i'd been awake for 24 hours by that point, worked more than 12 of them, and had been feeling rough for more than 300.  i'm just going to say i didn't verbalize any prayers for a little bit.  i could barely think.  all i could do was text a few people and have them pray at first instead. 

but a thing like that will change your prayers.  and increase them, in both intensity and frequency! 

there are other things that i have not yet learned how to appreciate in the same way, but at least for some of those moments i can see ways that i've grown closer to Him because of, not in spite of  those times.  just about the only thing i remember from a Bible study i did on Jonah was that God will never let anything happen to you that would make you trust Him less.  however it works… it works. just let it.

- learn someone's favorite color before their political party

this friend that we lost in August was a bright, cheery personality that i knew for a single day.  she was awesome.  i was finishing up breakfast with her family and some friends when i saw her doing dishes in purple gloves. based on that, her purple slippers and purple curtains- it was a pretty easy conclusion to make. 

there are some things that are more important than huge debates about things that divide us.  if i want to feel like i know somebody as a friend, i'll ask about their favorite color, or hobbies or pets.  even if you disagree strongly about a serious issue, that conversation isn't going to go anywhere if you see them as a target or competition rather than a human being with a brain and heart just like you.

make connections, don't make them impossible.

-everybody's a theologian

every person capable of thought has an opinion or belief about God, whether a deity exists or not, what it is like if it does, and how it interacts with the visible world.  time for everybody to stop treating the subject otherwise.  faith and science intersect in too many points for continued blindness. it's going to continue- i'm not stupid to think otherwise- but it shouldn't.  and given the enormity of the issue's implications, it's worth spending time to figure out what sort of theologian you are.

-time is money, but it doesn't come with a credit card

for almost every home renovation, recipe and health topic out there, you can find at least 29,003 DIY pointers, suggestions, hacks, gizmos, gadgets or guys to help you out.  it all comes down to which you want to keep more of: time or money. 

but while banks are relatively forgiving when it comes to unpaid balances, life is not.  you can't take any of tomorrow early, and you can't keep more than a memory of yesterday.  when the timeline runs out, that's it.  whatever calendar square you're dancing on right now is the one you've got to fill up with what's most important. 

-stop the passive aggression

life is too short.  say what you mean. if you can't say it without being mean, then don't say it.  i promise you won't regret it.  if a song touches you, sing it out- loud and proud.  if it doesn't then maybe it's not worth listening to. being assertive is healthy; being manipulative or forceful or jerky is not.  be open, friendly, honest, fearless.  if you always speak the truth *in love*, you have nothing to truly fear.

-the past is important.  so is the future.

the "stuff" that happens here on earth has a reason, regardless of whether you know it.  at least one reason is that this whole thing we call "life" is really just the preface to more LIFE than could fit in our combined caffeinated imaginations.  we are getting practice for the Life coming up!! when the banana peel gives me a final slip, it's not the end.  it's the end of a few things, like your chance to decide where  you'd like to spend the new forever (hence, the point on theologians), but not the End. it's a brand new beginning that itself has no end.

it's like the song, but not obnoxiously irritating…

there were more.

but then THIS computer shut down, and i have to pack for yet another trip.

i have enjoyed being able to find something each day of November so far to be thankful for, and being able to share them is even better. this banana peel of a life is slipping away, but while it's here, i'm glad i get to share even this little bit with you! 

a Sea of Can'ts vs. the River of Can

"and so we come to it at last… the great war of our time."

if you give me almost any situation, i will give you a relevant quote from The Lord of the Rings.  i had a great conversation late last night with some Bible study companions, comparing Christian-themed movies and their book originals.  these two had seen the new Ben-Hur movie and enjoyed it, though they admitted the original was better (duh.  i remain a skeptic of ANYONE who thinks he can just "re-do" CHARLTON HESTON's BEN-HUR.  WHAT!?!?!)

but LOTR i admit to be a masterful rendition of the books, and they are my all-time favorite go-to movies, and very quotable, when you've seen them as often as i have ;)

but at this moment, i am almost shaking-in-my-boots scared. i am daunted by the seemingly impossible battle ahead of me.

i have been fighting skirmishes for a few months, chipping away with all my human strength at an increasingly spiritual obstacle.  it's like trying to take down a steel-enforced concrete wall. and i am not Aragorn, that studly, sword-wielding octogenarian.  i've done what i could- i stripped the old wallpaper, i scraped away ancient paint and tore off drywall with my bare hands.  i made a whole lot of mess, but less true progress than the mound of trash would indicate.  the steel rebar and concrete are just as solid as ever, and my tired bleeding fingers are no use. 

if this battle were WWII, i'm playing the role of France.

…and it's nowhere near D-Day.

if this were Middle Earth, I'm Rohan.  saddling my lil' ponies to go take on mountainous cave trolls, elephants the size of castles and orcs beyond number.  oh yeah, and un-killable demonic Nazgul warlords in plated armor atop flying, toothy dragons.

for the people who don't know, i just last week was released from the local hospital after 7 days/6 nights of feeling horrible.  the obstacle: some sort of GI obstruction, caused by "we don't know/care" what.  the treatment for any of the causes is the same: do nothing, except an NG tube.  unless something explodes, in which case do emergency surgery and hope to stay ahead of the sepsis.

if i were BFFs with the Pope, i'd text him now and tell him to saint my friend, who was there right by my side for all of the worst of it (me…on Phenergan and Demerol… and still hurting and barfing) and checked on me every single day, despite her full-time job (nursing, of course). she earned every one of the jewels in that heavenly crown waiting for her.  no one other than an RN needed to see the Sad, Broken Zombie in that bed.  in trying to describe how i felt that i must have looked, that's the best way i could think of.  Sad Broken Zombie. a creature not even Will Smith would attempt to heal.

the night before i came home, i had a short, but relieving, conversation with another title-less saint, outlining every one of these skirmishes i hadn't recovered from, and how this incredibly large speed bump couldn't have come at a more confusing, and expensive (!!!), and irritating, time.  i was so tired (not eating or drink for a week will do that to a person), and i hadn't ever been able to celebrate the incredible healing i'd just had, without already beginning to worry about things at home, around the yard, at work, in the bank account, and abroad that were storming at me, demanding my attention.

and then an idea came out in that phone call- and after every prayer, every consideration about it, the answer seemed less hazy and more definite- this was a distraction. 

an "uncomfortable" one. 

a stupid-expensive one.

but a distraction.

all this fuss… to keep me occupied.  as huge as that was to people, who still look at me like i'm about to collapse and die, i really feel convinced by now that there is a force out there that is bound and determined to keep me away from this ultimate fight that all my past struggles and battles have been leading up to.

the hugeness of this battle is finally dawning on me.

and scaring the ever-lovin' snot out of me.

back at "work" at church, before preparing the papers and crayons for the Cubbies class, i ducked into the darkened sanctuary to prepare me for a few minutes. i sat before the altar and told Him all the "can'ts" there were in my army.  i was out of wizards, energy, soldiers, strategies, pep talks- everything.

i was surrounded by a formidable foe, under siege and running low on resources.  i felt sympathy for even a jerk like Denethor, who wilts at the awesome, terrible show of Mordor's might on his doorstep. similarly, i felt renewed kinship with King Hezekiah, poking his nose over the wall to see Sennacharib's army sprawled out like a horde over the countryside.  i could only do what he did- run into the Temple and cry like a small child.  this is why we have a healthy supply of tissues in the front pews.

there are a few less there now.

i told Him the Can'ts… and i asked please… for even one Can-  just one.

and i opened my Bible to catch up on my daily readings, as i was a day behind and my Type A just can't handle that well.  i foolishly expected nothing. at least, nothing from a reading as dry and monotonous as Ezekiel under "September 6."

and i found this:

then he brought me back to the door of the Temple, and behold, water was issuing from below the threshold of the temple toward the east (for the temple faced east). the water was flowing down from below the south end of the threshold of the temple, south of the altar. then he brought me out by way of the north gate and led me around on the outside to the outer gate that faces toward the east; and behold, the water was trickling out on the south side.

going on eastward with a measuring line in his hand, the man measured a thousand cubits, and then led me through the water, and it was ankle-deep. again he measured a thousand, and led me through the water, and it was knee-deep.  again he measured a thousand, and led me though the water, and it was waist-deep. again he measured a thousand, and it was a river that i could not pass through, for the water had risen.  it was deep enough to swim in, a river that could not be passed through.  and he said to me, "son of man, have you seen this?"

then he led me to the bank of the river. as i went back i saw on the bank of the river very many trees on the one side and on the other. and he said to me, "this water flows toward the eastern region and goes down into the Arabah, and enters the sea; when the water flows into the sea, the water will become fresh.  and wherever the river goes, every living creature that swarms will live, and there will be very many fish. for this water goes there, that the water of the sea may become fresh; so everything will live where the river goes.  fishermen will stand beside the sea.  from En-Gedi to En-Eglaim it will be a place for the spreading of nets.  its fish will be of very many kinds, like the fish of the Great Sea.  But its swamps and marshes will not become fresh; they are to be left for salt.  and on the banks, on both sides of the river, there will grow all kinds of trees for food.  their leaved will not wither, nor their fruit fail, but they will bear fresh fruit every month, because the water for them flows from the sanctuary.  their fruit will be for food, and their leaves for healing."

Ezekiel 47:1-12

the above is the ESV; i read it this afternoon in the NLT, which automatically translated "the sea" as "the Dead Sea."

it's called that because… it's Dead.  DEAD.

that's a pretty picture, yes- but you notice what's NOT there? 

ANYTHING ALIVE. (except the photographer).  there are no trees.  no grass.  no animals. i question whether even bacteria or parasites could survive.  because the salt content of the water is no high,  people float when they try to swim, and most humans become dehydrated just by looking at pictures like this.  it is about 9 times saltier than ocean water.  drinking it would be a) disgusting and b) probably fatal, if you were physically able to hold down enough of it.  on average, it receives 3 inches of rainfall per year.  the Jordan River flows in.  nothing flows out.  there are smaller pools of water.  oh yes- and quicksand pits.  let's not forget those.

if that's not a Can, i don't know what is.

in three paragraphs, God simply told me what He is able to do with all of our Can'ts.

He doesn't just sidestep them.

He doesn't even "undo" them

He obliterates even the memory of them.

the Dead Sea, which is deader than anything dead you could compare it to- will one day (in this vision, of prophetic and symbolic importance, not necessarily physical) be so full of life that people, animals and plants will abound.  everything touched by this water coming from the sanctuary will be ALIVE.  diseases and illnesses will be healed, empty cavernous losses will be filled, dreams will be fulfilled.  the blessings will extend not only to humans, but to animals and even plant life.  enrichment like this patch of earth has never known will descend, and this place that is only known as a dry crusty curiosity will become the spa vacation hotspot of the world, where Main Street is lined by an all-you-can-eat buffet line of trees, boasting the widest assortment and variety of fruit available worldwide.

THAT'S what God does when you say "can't-too salty."  

and yet, despite the parties and celebrations happening along the shores of the newly Un-Dead Sea, the passage even ends with Ezekiel looking back, following the river lined with trees as it gets shallower and shallower, down to a trickle- back to the source:

the golden Altar, beyond which lies the Most Holy Place, where God Himself resided between the cherubim wings, overshadowing the Mercy Seat. 

the one place humans couldn't even survive being in, until one friday evening when the dividing curtain was ripped from top to bottom. 

not physically visible anymore, but you can't leave God's presence without being changed.  there's nothing magical about our representative table in the sanctuary, or even our sanctuary itself.  my feet were still completely dry on my way out the doors- but i felt like i had just swum in a refreshing river and had lost a backpack full of can'ts in its flow.

this battle will happen. and i am not looking forward to it,  necessarily. i'm marching to "Arabah," the land of the Dead Sea, where i have stashed more can'ts than i care to face.  so much deadness that i have allowed to sit and fester and wallow and do whatever else those salt piles and quicksand pits do.

but somehow, spending just a little bit of time "getting my feet wet" inside a quiet sanctuary did way more good than any "treatment" i got inside the hospital (don't get me wrong- the doctors were chums, the nurses excellent and food better than i expected).  that whole week took my eyes off the mark.  the others cares and concerns did too, just to a lesser extent. 

being right there at the altar, the symbolic source of all forgiveness and life eternal, brought my eyes right back to where they needed to be.  it's not on the battle.  it's not on the can'ts.

it's on the One who turns the can'ts into Cans and Wills. the battle of my time is about to begin in earnest, but i already know the outcome. 

it's a beautiful, beautiful sight, too.