Covered

this has not been my week.  for several reasons, most of which i shall not tell.  one of those reasons, though, is because of the outcome of a conversation i had with a truly wonderful woman i met whose sole job is to connect poor confused people with the optimal healthcare plan to fit their needs. being a poor confused person, i was thrilled with the opportunity to utilize this resource.  she was kind, straightforward, knowledgeable, fast, wonderful.

guess what.  there IS NO optimal healthcare plan to fit my needs.  after several minutes of questions regarding social security numbers, qualifying factors, pre-existing conditions and whatnot, this is what we came up with.  the marketplace offers 3 levels of coverage, and the middle/average level is more than DOUBLE the monthly cost.  for a WORSE policy.  the insanity of this is still blowing my mind 60 hours later.  

of course, a large factor in that, as if i needed any more reminders, is that i'm single and alone and will be for the foreseeable future.  it would definitely help with affordable insurance (which i thought was Obama's goal in the first place…?), and also counts as something i would need to report to some number or person or else risk losing coverage, blah, blah, and blah.

but whatever it does to insurance policies, household income and the lawn being mowed consistently, the ever-present fact remains that the situation isn't going to change (in all likelihood). if there is a Prince Charming out there, he got lost and is probably too macho to ask for directions.  after about the 9th person in a week asked, i was working on my snarky reply regarding them sponsoring their own Jesus-ed version of the Bachelorette before i discovered to my horror that such a terrible show actually already exists. best/worst part: each of the loser bachelors wins a year-long membership to ChristianMingle.com.  eventually a "season of waiting" transitions to a lifestyle of acceptance.

it's the season of Advent.  a time of waiting, expectation, hope.  the Jews for centuries waited for their Messiah- whatever that meant to them. piecing together dozens of prophecies and names and scattered references to heroes long-dead and not-yet-born is tedious, confusing and draining.  all they knew for sure was that whoever this guy was, he was going to be awesome.  mind-blowingly so.

but after 400 years? i get impatient waiting the 2 minutes for my car to heat up.  if a patient is more than 10 minutes late for, like, anything, i'm about to blow a fuse.  i think America as a whole gave up on the idea of an honest politician decades ago, and we ain't nowhere NEAR 400 years old.

but the Jews held on. they struggled, and some lost faith, but most of them held on to the promises.  lo, and behold, the Messiah did indeed arrive.  and He was absolutely nothing like what they expected or hoped for- although He did still blow their minds on multiple occasions.

our "nerdy" Bible study this week, after about 2 years of working through Isaiah, has finally made it to chapter 61.  i thought it somewhat appropriate that we landed here during Advent, as this is the passage that Jesus used right at the kick-off of His ministry- when all of the promises made to humanity became a living walking reality, from Adam to us. Joy to the World was happening. Salvation had literally walked in the door. it's the passage He reads aloud, looks the synagogue leaders square in the eyeballs and says, "Lo."  it's like the best mic drop moment of the Ancient Near East. the news was too good to seem true- so of course they didn't believe it when He told them flat out that the waiting was OVER.  HE HAD COME.  THE MESSIAH WAS SITTING IN THEIR PEW- AND THEY MISSED IT.

"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion -- to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be call oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.  They shall build up the ancient ruin; they shall raise up the former devastations; they shall repair the ruined cities, the devastations of many generations."

"I will greatly rejoice in the LORD; my soul shall exult in my God, for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation; he has covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.  For as the earth brings forth its sprouts, and as a garden causes what is sown in it to sprout up, so the LORD God will cause righteousness and praise to sprout up before all the nations."

since i've already confessed it publicly multiple times the past few months, i'll say it again:  i'm tired.  i'm not openly mourning, but i'm closer to that than gladness. i'm somewhat faint.  i'm waiting, and not even sure what for. i definitely don't remind myself of an oak of righteousness…maybe a shrub of something, or a potted plant.  i look back on too many pieces of the past and empathize with 1st century Jews who could look back on their whole nation's history and see piles of rubble, slavery, judgement, oppression, brokenness, blindness and imprisonment in the rear view mirror.  yes, moments of relief and blessing, to be sure, but nowhere near enough to balance our self-righteous scales of skewed justice.  i prefer to say "realistic" rather than "cynical", but hoping and waiting don't get the bills paid, dishes washed or laundry folded.  adulting takes all my energy with none left over for daydreams.

and yet, because of that- not in spite of- words like those verses mean just a little more.  seeing a friend healed or released from prison is one thing.  being the one coming out of the hospital bed or jail cell is a completely new thing.  "No more let sins and sorrows grow, no thorns infest the ground! He comes to make His blessings flow far as the curse is found"- those who remember having been too close to the curse sing that part a little louder.  the ultimate punishment has been taken, but this world is still under the curse.  the hymns of Advent were written for us- the broken, the castoffs, the slaves and addicts and forgotten.  society's rejects come to Advent and find their place setting prepared.  the first coming began the marvelous undoing of sin; the second coming will complete it.  which is why we can be tired and mourning and faint (and cynical?) and yet also hope and wait and persevere.  it's the difference between a kid's themed birthday party and that same kid's extravagant wedding ceremony 20 years later.

this right now is the year of the LORD's favor.  the disfavor each of us has earned was turned away and put on Him instead. we have so much more than disjointed verses and hints about a Messiah- we actually have a Messiah who has already come and will come again. we have these promises of gladness, righteousness and praise becoming true and we know that they will only become even more true in the ever after. at some point, the ruins from those before us will be repaired and celebrated for generations afterwards.  our past will be transformed and shine out into the future. even if an earthly prince never shows up,  the Bridegroom has already prepared His outfit and will come to take His Church, headdress and all. 

there are no qualifications or income requirements involved, and no "pre-existing conditions" that can disqualify you.  Jesus already took care of that and covered us  with the "garments of salvation" and "robes of righteousness" in exchange. our job is to receive, wait and hope.  and as we do, righteousness and praise will grow naturally like a forest of well-watered trees and continue through to forever.  and that's the kind of insurance coverage i can get on board with.

#worldmentalhealthday

i had a flashback a week and a half ago to a night several hundred Union alums will always refer to as "The Tornado" night. the night when the whirlwind of unholy terror ripped straight through campus tossing cars, building and trees aside like a toddler throws cheerios, and then split off into 2 tornadoes so it could come back again, just in case it missed something on the first walk-through. 

the night where 1500 of us huddled in groups of 4 or 20 in commons halls, classrooms and bathtubs hearing and seeing locked doors blown open, walls and ceilings torn from over our heads and each other's faces in the light of cell phones as they all simultaneously lost reception.  

the night i looked down, saw that i was standing on a pile of broken glass and debris in stocking feet, in what had just weeks prior been my dorm room, and didn't even care.  

the night downed power lines were crackling, the nearby gas leak filled the air, and a pickup truck was plowed through the wall of what i was pretty sure was my best friends' bedroom wall.  

a night of fear like i'd rarely known before. 

the second night i was finally reunited with my two best friends who, along with 20 other students had crashed a professor's house and even long after everyone else had gone to bed i lay on the floor, unable to do much of anything.  i turned my head and right there on the bottom shelf was the harry potter book series. i grabbed Year 1 and huddled in the bathroom so i could turn on the light and i read for hours.  Years 2 and 3 followed the next 2 days.  for the rest of the semester, which continued on amazingly enough, i divided my time between teaching myself the endocrine system (because clearly, the teacher couldn't- those were the two weeks we were on Tornado Break…), stress-eating animal crackers (16 pounds single-handedly) and escaping reality through a young adult series about a physically, verbally and emotionally abused orphan who somehow survives and escapes his prison as a fully functional, well-adjusted preteen.  not a trace of psychological trauma to be seen.

i'm sorry, but not even Dumbledore is that good.

apparently, it's world mental health day. now that the entire globe is FULLY aware of breast cancer, it's time for some other issues to actually be addressed. yes, cancer sucks and it kills people and more research is needed to find a cure.  more research will always be needed.  always.  but that obnoxiously bright color of pink also means other things.

it's the color of paint one of my besties and i used to paint matching backpacks for an obstacle course we did, the day before both of our lives changed.  it's the color slathered all over 27 Dresses, one of the movie choices we nixed at 0230 the following night in the hospital when we were both too confused to sleep and too tired to move.  it's probs the color of my face after leaving/abandoning her at a closed in-patient unit, which felt like nothing short of criminal-level desertion.  it's definitely the color of my face the day after, when at church i forfeited food yet again and ran away from the people in Fellowship Hall because i was physically unable to vocalize the reason my face was so blank and so wet and why there was an actual damp spot in front of the altar in the sanctuary.  

mental health awareness doesn't mean dosing out sympathy like dropping coins in a street musician's cap, nor like throwing roses at the feet of a great performer.  we're not asking for pity; we're also not asking for applause.  we're just asking to not be thought of as lepers or outcasts or a blemish on society that needs to be covered up, hidden away and only talked about in whispers.  seriously, the only other time or place that tone of voice is used is in a funeral home.  we're not dead.  stop it.

it's real.  it happens a lot.

a lot more often, in fact, than breast cancer.

i am NOT in any way trying to minimize cancer. i won't downsize that struggle.  i have 2 good, good friends who are fighting cancer right now.  i pray for them and hold on to the hope that healing might come quickly. i'm using cancer, specifically breast cancer, because it's October, and whatever is not covered in orange is covered in bright pink.  cancer gets a whole month; mental health gets a whole…day.  and a hashtag on facebook.  so to recap:  NOT MINIMIZING CANCER.  but please don't minimize this one. even if it's not on purpose, as soon as you blow off a struggle you don't understand, you take away my crown.  some days, my only victory is doing something other than watch netflix.  or eating more than 2 food groups.  or even- on a really  good day- calling someone on the phone.  steal that from me by telling me how your fight is harder and longer, and ….then i've got nothing. 

 

chemo destroys your appetite; i'm finally feeling hungry more than once a day, after 2 weeks of eating barely anything and dropping at least 5 lbs. 

radiation stir-fries your brain; i survived 2 hours of teaching 18 pre-k students, as well as a full week's worth of night shift work all while getting an average of 4 hours of sleep and barely finishing sentences and not being able to go more than a few hours without a breakdown.

cancer takes your health, your weight, your friendships, your time, your energy, your interests, your thoughts….so do mental health diagnoses.

when you struggle with cancer, you get donations, cards, flowers, visits and 5k Glow Runs in the park.

turns out when you struggle with a mental health diagnosis, you [tend to] get jack.

i highly doubt that the returning veterans from Normandy Beach scoffed at those coming back from Iwo Jima, and vice versa.  why can't we be as understanding and supportive of each other's battles- the days we win and the days we lose?  the ones you understand and empathize with, and the ones you can only try to?  even if you're not there for the battle, you can still be "there" for the one trying to fight it.

  

https://youtu.be/J8vxiVIH7VY  

much of that is simply because there's not often a whole whoppin' lot that can be tangibly done.  and that's okay.  seriously, most of the time we just need to know that someone cares. however that looks may change person to person, and even day to day.  one friend all but force-fed me spaghetti one night, knowing i couldn't rationalize one way or another.  someone else came over at 2230 once with junk food and stayed on my couch for 3 hours just because she could. there was some talking; there was a lot of silence. she knew next to nothing and that was fine.  she just cared. a third friend took one look at my face and didn't even have to ask; we just both broke down at the same time.  she knew i wasn't okay, and she was okay with me being that way for just a bit. a church member took the house key and fed the cats for a week so that i could leave town without a word of explanation, and weeded the flower bed as well.

on the other end of the spectrum are the ones who tell me they don't understand- and then walk away without even trying.  the ones who can't overcome their presumed sense of awkwardness and pretend that i'm not there, or that i'm doing fine …simply because the words "i'm fine" came out of my mouth.  (we're not dead; we're also not stupid.  we know who actually wants us to answer the question honestly.) i think the most hurtful right now are those who have even now, turned someone else's major health crisis around so that suddenly it's about them… like, i can't even fathom this. 

http://thedarlingbakers.com/love-someone-with-depression/

my mountain is chronic depression; i've literally never known a time without it. after 2.5 years of medication, i've been off it for just a few months.  there's a decent chance that will change now, given the past month, but it is what it is. i'm in the exact same spot as i was after that tornado, just without the camaraderie of my classmates and not even the ability to read harry potter.  i really thought i had this thing about beat, but this mountain has at least one more peak before i reach the summit.

my bestie's mountain is bipolar, a whole new world of struggle that i can only grasp the edge of.  there's a full list of mental health diagnoses, and each one is valid.  don't compare the mountains.  don't "one-up" another person.  don't invalidate their issue to make yours better/cooler/more important.

https://9gag.com/gag/aXXo4XD

https://imgur.com/cIF7KmE

so please, please, please- run that 5k, win that t-shirt and salute the fighters who overcame cancer or war or so many other incredible enemies against so many odds.  donate to reputable organizations caring for, treating, healing, and researching cures for the vulnerable. go ahead and wave your pepto-bismol pink ribbon, if you think you might find the one, last homo sapien who isn't aware that breast cancer exists.

but with the other hand, consider waving one of these. 

this ole' house

guys, i moved a deck on thursday.  i moved.  a deck.

in many pieces.  all the wood from the old deck is now separated into two stacks, the leaf bags all in a row, the whole lawn - front and back- mowed.  all before 1030.  i am my own hero.

this week: painting and prepping the bedrooms for the new carpet. and the lights.  and hopefully the garbage disposal.

gotta say, as proud as i am, i'm ready to be done with this. i'm tired. i love the timing of all this, and how i'm able to do this with no roommates to inconvenience, but it means i have no roommates to help.  or even just to turn up the volume on the tv.

i love painting and fixing things and arranging and planning.  and i've learned just how much i love Home Depot.  this is BAD news for the budget.

but so much fun to write about.

not a single project has gone as planned. as phrased in a text, this house was a "blazing conglomeration of death traps" that we have been fixing one by one as we find them, and weeping each time it involves another question, text, call or trip to a home improvement store for a random tool to fix whatever idiocy we uncovered.

saturday afternoon was the final straw, as i was preparing the closet for painting and had to fix the shelf with a screw coming out that was unable to bear weight. the 3 or 4 inch construction nails had been holding up the shelf braces, which were jammed between the wall and doorframe, both ends immediately in the corners of the closet and all but inaccessible.  i was not in the mood.  rarely am i in the mood for stupidity.  the drywall learned that lesson, and i learned why the crowbar is now called a "ripping chisel."

somewhere near the beginning of the home fix-it projects i came across this song, fed to me by YouTube's autoplay function, that great destroyer of time and productivity. it's even better than the Gaither version, mostly because watching the singers is such a hysterical delight.  like, they bounce. and poke each other and are clearly having the time of their lives. its infectious.

EHSS - This Ole House/When the Saints Go Marching In (Medley) [Live]

but more than their stage presence, it's the actual song. given my current situation, it's such a dead-on analogy i've listened to this song an irrational number of times the past several months. 

besides the fact that i really, truly, do NOT have time to oil hinges, fix shingles, install flooring or replace window panes- i don't want to have time. i have literally done all of these things this calendar year, and i'm soooo over it!!  :P

i also do not want anyone thinking i'm psychotic and about to do something horrid and drastic.  i'm not.

but i am tired.  so, so tired. i know i still get asked when i'm graduating, and am treated like i'm a decade younger than i am, but i've seen enough and done enough and experienced enough that most of the time i feel like a 300 year old.  it's no secret that i've had decades with depression, and if anyone else tells me to "pray it off" like indigestion, they might meet my ripping chisel, too. (just kidding.  well, they might meet it, but not as intimately as the drywall).  it's legit, it's been/being treated, and it's probs going to be another really long time before it's gone- if it ever is.  this world is chock full of… everything i'm tired of. even when you stop and smell the roses, there are thorns, there are storm clouds, there are termites and terrorists and tachydysrhythmias. there are hurts that will never heal on this earth, troubles that are permanent  down here and desires that this 70-year blip of life was never meant to fulfill. 

getting through the storms in this life is less about finding the rainbows than it is about looking forward to the land that has no storms.  we don't smile through pain simply by adding sugar to help the medicine go down (though it helps), but by remembering that in the next life there are no diseases or death or drugs.  just like that charming bass sang, it's a lot harder to cry about creaky knees if you see Gabriel at your door parking his chariot horses.

many people see death as depressing and morbid and hopeless.

not me.

i feel like i get what Paul the Apostle said- that he was torn between staying here and ministering, versus running full throttle towards the headsman knowing Jesus was on the other side of the axe. he didn't have a death wish and neither do i.  but he did have a perspective i appreciate a bit more, day by day. 

this physical house is temporary, as are our physical selves.  our church community has just recently lost someone close to many, many people.  while we mourn the loss, i think there's a little bit in each of us that wishes we could have followed her right away.  her chariot came faster than we thought it would, and her suffering is all over and she is experiencing all the wonders of heaven that we can only dream about and sing about as we wait our turn to march into glory with the saints.  Jesus told His disciples He was going to prepare a place for us, and that when He was done, He would come and take us to our new forever-Home.  i love thinking that as i work on this barn down here, He's working on our palaces.  i'd be happy with a shack up there, as long as it's close to that River of Life- but He's making palaces and mansions!

as i wait for my turn, i'll keep on working on keeping the house-house and the person-house in as good condition as possible. it's not all bad.  the new paint smells great, and looks even better.  the new garbage disposal actually works, after we (meaning, "Dad") traced the problem back to the switch, and it only took 2 hours and ALL my patience to convince that one d___g screw in the ceiling fan to work. this too shall pass.

but until it does pass, i shall be belting out funny old gospel songs and keeping my eyes fixed on those permanent glorious houses above and the friends, saints and the Savior who have all gone on before. 

abidin' my time

thinking about it right now, this week is a first for me.  i've never just up and taken a week off work with no specific plans.  but after 4 straight weeks of working at least 1 overtime shift, i'm worn out.  and since my sister and i hadn't had time to make plans… i just kept the time off.  that time is now over half gone, but i've caught up on sleep, my blood pressure's gone back down and i've been able to do fun things like stain the new deck, start painting the front hallway and take in a stray kitten who is a 550 gram walking skeleton, but the cutest skeleton you've ever seen.  she's been to the vet, eaten as much as the 11 pound cat and hopefully will be booger-free once her antibiotics are done.

i've only had to turn down 2 requests for work.  it was hard both times. i love my job, too much if that's possible.  i like being busy, i love doing things, i love seeing good spread and knowing i had a part in it.  i am by nature a problem-solver, and broken things that i can't fix are hard for me to accept.  i hate hearing statistics that say non-Christians give more, do more and do it faster and bigger than churches and religious organizations.  even if they're not all true, or twisted, i have this burning aching desire to find a million dollars and go on a thousand mission trips- all while running a house full of cats, working full time overnight hours and even the inside of a gym once in a while.  we have yet another mission team serving in South Africa right now, one headed to Memphis next month, 5 missionary families we support and at least 3 missions in Jackson.  i want to do all of them.

beyond impossible, it's insane.

so…. what, then?  God tells us to do good… and this world is in such desperate need of good that it's exhausting to even think about the enormity of the mission given to us. the new testament is chock full of parables and commands and lessons on  bearing fruit, making disciples, loving everyone everywhere all the time.  like, my mind is whirling faster than a spinning top.  how?  how on earth can i get it all done?!?!

is your pulse rising yet? mine is.

and then….

then i heard just what i needed to hear. our Bible study group is working through James this summer and chapter 2 again explains how faith without works is dead and beyond useless. and again, we were all drawn to the needs we saw and felt drawn to participate in.  the "doing" had become the main focus in about 2 seconds.  we know that works have nothing to do with salvation, but that they draw a clear line between genuine faith and the fake stuff.  and if i needed more confirmation that i was forgetting a key part of the deal, i came across this entertaining sermon as well:

 http://www.summitrdu.com/message/you-cant-do-it-but-he-can/

flip back a few pages to the tail end of the book of John, who knew James.  i'd pay a booger-load of money to be able to hear the conversations they must have had.  John had the heavy privilege of hearing Jesus's most intimate sermon ever, the night before He was arrested. right about the point where His disciples were probably going dizzy in the head from all He's said, He brings everything together and sums it up with three little words: "Abide in Me."

that's it.

not, "Pull out your planners and wallets and smartphones" or, "here are My top 10 ministry choices, ready, set, go"  or even a "good luck."  all He says is "Abide in Me."

but the ministries that need volunteers and donations? "Abide in Me."

or the refugees that need food and water and homes? "Abide in Me."

but… but what about those missionaries who's funding got cut?  "Abide in Me."

and the homeless here?  with the poor and under-educated and ex-cons shunned by others? and the environment and abandoned kitties and the polar bears?  WHO'S GOING TO SAVE THE POLAR BEARS?!?!?

 "Abide in Me."

those few brief sentences outline His whole plan for us.  He's the vine and we are the branches.  now, if you, unlike me, did NOT have rosebushes larger than a minivan (no lie) that you had to prune back to the ground, you may not know what branches do.  it's not a whole lot.  they abide.  even on a cellular level, branches are like tubes that water pushes up through from the roots and the vine.  the nutrients go straight through from the bottom, and then, as long as the branch is attached, all kinds of blooming and fruit happen on the top.  the only prerequisite is that the branch abide.  it's a rather passive word, 'abide.'  so little  to 'do' and plan and … that's the beauty of it. He does it all.  we're the channels, and if we abide, the fruit of His Spirit will spring out the ends of branches faster than the hungry, aching world can devour it.  there's nothing He can't do, and there's everything we can't if we're reading calendars and budgets instead of His word. not that we should never do anything, especially when we are called out to do His work, but that we should recognize that it's His work, not ours.

i'm putting "abiding" at the top of my to-do list.  yes, there are still things that need to happen, and the stay-cation is more than half over, so i'll be back at work soon.  but that, and everything else in my life, will be a billion times more productive if i keep my eyes on Him.  abiding in Him, there's no time for all this stress.

He's got it all under control.

even the polar bears.

trailblazing with the I AM

i have always known i'm more of a visual/kinesthetic learner than an auditory one.  i still remember the "Aha" moment in AP Biology class, senior year of high school when after reading the textbook and hearing Ms K explain it while looking at the slide, and suddenly i understood DNA, RNA, tRNA, and mRNA with their little amino acids and the process of protein production.  it was like magic.  i loved it.  a week later, i was still one of 2 students who got it. 

the weird thing is that outside the classroom, most of my "Aha" moments….turned out to be false.  after 2,228,985 times of being told something, even a visual learner will "get it."  (unless you were in that AP class and still asking months later to cheat off my test…you know who you are.  i hope you're not reading this.)

i love how Jesus almost always used visuals in His teachings, and how He related huge important things to concepts that His listeners could understand.  these guys had never eaten lunch with God Almighty before- eating pita and hearing "I AM the good shepherd" must have been the biggest "Aha" moment ever to those shepherds. "I AM the light of the world" implies all kinds of things, even in a world with electricity. "Come to me, all who weary and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I AM gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your soul. for My yoke is easy and My burden is light"  make a lot of sense when you're feeling lost and tired and confused and stupid and stuck.

a friend explained what i'm dealing with in a way that's easy to visualize- it's the difference between a footpath in the wilderness vs. a superhighway.  most people's natural thought processes are footpaths to me.  my neurons don't naturally go that route.  they're zooming off the opposite direction at 75 mph, cruise control on and radio rocking.  i'm having to consciously, repeatedly, intentionally re-route everything to get back on course.  taking detours and back roads, forging ways through overgrown trails that are as thoughtless as breathing to people i know.

i'm tired, man.  i'm tired.  it's mentally draining to scrap everything you knew (or thought you knew) and start from the beginning, to learn that every conclusion you'd been led to for years on end was a lie, and -even better- most of the friends and people i look up to recognize it as false because their trail was already cleared, smoothed, paved and painted by the time they were in kindergarten.  it's an interstate highway by this point, complete with rest stops for the weary,  mile markers for the OCD and rehab-ing convicts picking up the litter and mowing the weeds.

it's more of an effort than you might think for me to hear things that contradict my inbred mental pathways.  it's getting easier but it's still not easy.  it's taken massive doses of truth, repeated over and over and over again, to find a few grains that i can latch on to.  even more effort to figure out what to do with those grains, then still more effort to do whatever it is that needs doing.  i am SO glad that i have access to so many sermons and podcasts and helpful books and a wealth of edifying music.  thank you, YouTube.

i was on YouTube tonight looking up the most random song ever that i hadn't heard of in years, and came across what Oprah Winfrey claims in the sermon that turned her life around.

2,228,985- that's how many views this video has.  i am almost ashamed to say one of those views was mine.  it's probably higher now, but i am too scared to check.

Oprah needs to take another U-turn at the next possible moment.

not to name names, but the "pastor's" name rhymes with Bowl Shmovstein.

and for 26 minutes i half-listened to a guy with no seminary experience at all talk about a Bible WITHOUT EVER OPENING IT ONCE. 

what he said sounded "nice."

what he said was false.  like, omg, that's-actually-not-true kind of statements.

he said that the "I am" statements i make to myself will come true. 

he said i get to choose what follows the "I am".

he said that "all through the day, the power of the "I am" is at work."

I'm mentally patting myself on the back right now.  i feel like i dodged a 26-minute bullet to my soul.  honestly, a part of me wishes he were right.  it would be grand if i could say something and have it become true, just because i "invited it into my life."  think how cool it would feel if i chose how those statements about myself ended.

and how powerful i would seem if what i said dominated every waking moment.

but think how scary it is to trade his "I am" statements for the I AM. 

see, when i actually pick up the Bible and read what it says, instead of announcing what i want it to say to me, i find some other statements.

it says that I AM has made statements that always are true.

it says that i've been chosen by I AM and i can choose to follow.

it says that all through the day, the power of I AM is at work.

i don't understand many of I AM's statements- even the ones that sound awesome. i'm not writing this because i have plumbed the depths of knowledge and can divulge the hidden secrets of Scripture- rather the opposite. 

i know surprisingly little, and believe even less- even on a good day.

but i do know some "I am" statements, and what i've been learning is that these are even more powerful than most anything, even Mr Bowl's teeth whitening strips.

the I AM is the one who made stars and starfish and mountains and caves and volcanoes and clouds and camels and dirt and lightening and amoebas.

the I AM is the one who is the same yesterday and today and forever.

the I AM is the head of the Trinity.  good luck with understanding that.

the I AM came down in human form for the sole purpose of manifesting Himself to the world and redeeming His own.

the I AM is a bit more patient with me than i am with myself.

the I AM has a timescale that is utterly different from ours.

the I AM is un-understandable…and this is a good thing.

to be fair, Bowl did say at the end that (after you repeated a few selected words to magically become saved) you should join a "good, Bible-believing church", so not everything he said was false.

he just didn't realize that his whole lifestyle goes kaput if the audience actually followed that piece of advice. 

i have been trapped most of this week on my mental highway, unable to escape onto that way of Truth where i need to be.  it's a bummer. i'm stuck, and the closest i can come to getting un-stuck is this.  but every time i step onto the trail, it gets a little wider, a little easier, a little better.  every time i hear falsehood and counter it with Truth, it's a victory.  every time i can ditch "I am" statements and run to the I AM, it's like the prodigal coming home again.

if you've got lies buzzing around your head like this fly that i'm about to destroy, don't go to Bowl. go to the Book.

you get to choose to follow the I AM, and no matter what size or condition your mental pathway is in, He's there calling for you.  He's probably got a sign for us visual learners, too. 

Hark it, you Baptist!

things that never get smaller:

-healthcare insurance coverage prices

-sin

-women's purses

-apparently, the universe

things that never get larger

-children's level of wide-eyed amazement at things that adults are simply too busy to give more than a passing thought to.

like Christmas.

it can't get larger because it's already maxed out, and it only shrinks as they "mature."

i was walking through the front yard of a friend (because it's shorter than walking all the way around to the walkway) and the strap of my favorite, $3 Brasilian purse snapped.  that night was when i realized my standards have changed when it comes to purses.  back when i first started carrying a purse and bought a real, adult purse, the one i got appealed to me and was just the perfect size.  it held everything i needed it to.

that list of things i need to have held in a purse has expanded, and now that i must go back to this purse, it is no longer big enough. this is a crisis of epic proportions, and necessitates the purchase of a purse that can hold everything i need for a nuclear war evacuation crisis. if the trend continues, and this purse break, i'll just have to upgrade to a suitcase.

the full list of necessities is too long to bother with.  it's like the Christmas list of things to do, most of which has already been eliminated as "sooo not happening."  i actually did a christmas card/letter, which was as adult-ish and organized as i could get this year. there is only so much i can get together before i snap.  sadly, the snapping of my mood happened a few hours after the snapping of the purse. i tried so hard, but i couldn't push it any more. 

there are some times and seasons that are harder for me to get on board with.  holidays are one of those times and seasons.  i'm psyched out for all you guys surrounded by happiness,  happy family members and happy foods and your favorite ad-free Pandora stations. that's not even sarcastic- i really am.  but i have no real concept of that.  that happiness fluctuates, flickers and then fizzes out.  it takes all my energy to keep it going, and once it's gone- that's it.

i'm tired of waiting for things to change, to get better, for people to stop being jerks, for walls to be torn down instead of built, for children to stop dying, for innocents to stop paying the price for evildoers, for money to grow on ficus trees, for Chip and Joanna Gains to come redo my house … the list goes on.  but i'm tired of waiting.  it's been years since i had any semblance of a happy holiday with my family all together.  don't even bother giving me the "no family is perfect" speech.  duh.  i know that.  but some have deeper ruts and potholes than others.  i'm so, so, so grateful for the 2 or 3 families that "adopt" me each holiday, and for a job where i can work and get paid to do what i love and be around my work family for the times i can't be with anyone else.  but even still, i spent most of the holiday time waiting- for the holiday time to end.  i'm sitting in Panera, which is jam-packed and hotter than a sauna, and i'm the only one sitting alone.  (and the 3 year old sitting facing me next table over has a scary-hideous doll.  i might even have nightmares over that thing.)  3 people i know have run over to say hi, then left because they are with friends and family and barely remember anything about me- which gets super-awkward super-quickly. 

i digress.  waiting for all those things to change seems pointless.  it's impossible to fathom any of those changes occurring.  that's what that is- a list of impossibilities. 

and then i went to church.

i love stories that start (or continue) that way.

i think it's become the new "thing" for pastors to choose some of the least appealing Bible verses ever and create sermons that expound on their usefulness and rich meaning hiding in those unending verses on ritual laws, sacrifices and genealogies.  if you tell me Matthew chapter 1 is your favorite passage, i'm going to call you a liar to your face next time i see it.  not that i'm knocking this new "thing." in fact, it may only be because this sunday was the third, fourth or twentieth time i've heard a sermon on Matthew chapter 1 that i did get something new out of it.

confession moment: i lost Jesus Points when i inwardly rolled my eyes as the pastor read every. single. name. in. all. 17. verses.  all of them. Saint Matthew did not even record all of them, either, i don't think.  i hate how grateful i am for that. i'm a bad Baptist- sorry.

but then i listened.  i listened to another list of impossibilities.

there are 47 names total, if i counted right, listed in verses 1-17. this doesn't count 14+ other persons referred to, but not named (Judah's brothers -11, Jeconiah's brothers- 2+, and Bathsheba). of those 47 names, i can easily count at least 15 inconsistencies, improbabilities or impossibilities.  and that's only Joseph's side of the genealogy, and only the names and situations i'm familiar with.

1. let's start with Abraham.  this guy is a fossil. one foot in the grave, the other on a 99-year old banana peel and -BAM!- he's a brand new dad.

2. Isaac.  technically, Abraham's second-born son who carried the promise despite a half-brother who could have sought revenge, and his dad's incredible wealth, and a near run-in with his dad's knife on an altar, involving a father-son retreat, a whole lot of questions, and a divinely appointed/visually impaired (?) ram.

3. Jacob. another second-born son, a class-act jerk/liar with a death threat…frankly, he just about deserved it. he got away with a limp, and an awareness of how close he came to being murdered slowly and painfully.

4. Judah.  son of Leah, who Jacob married BY ACCIDENT.  the scammer got scammed, big-time.  and the girl whose dad thought of as too ugly to find a husband (not even kidding you) became the mother of Judah, whose name means "praised one" because this time she said "this time i will praise Yahweh." instead of seeking favor from men, who clearly had morals anywhere but where they were supposed to be, she gained joy from the One who sees not as man sees.

5. Perez.  ummm, eww.  so he was born, it was gross, don't read this to children, moving on.

6. Boaz.  his mom was a hooker who was graciously spared the death sentence placed on every single other soul in her city (except for the family she begged mercy for).  not only was she granted her life, but also a family within God's chosen people and a prominent spot in Jesus's family line.

7. Obed.  his mom was a chick with major resolve and loyalty… from MOAB.  Moabites were not known for their faithfulness to Yahweh or their morals.  intermarriage was not supposed to happen, but this one did and was blessed beyond belief.

8. David.  greatest, coolest, most popular king of all began his days as a shepherd.  the runt of the litter (he had, like, 7 thousand brothers.  or 7.  either way.) and was practically forgotten by his dad.  good thing he was a hottie, or he'd have nothing- NOTHING- going for him.

9. Solomon.  also not the best family-friendly story, but nonetheless used by God. an awfully unholy relationship meant he was born.  later on, following his dad's example, he won zero "world's best dad" mugs. trophies and plaques from round the world, but his home life was a mess of rather epic proportions.

10. Bathsheba. not even mentioned, probably a Hittite and possibly a pagan.  it is unclear how much of the affair was her fault, but after losing the resulting son, God gave her another one- Solomon, the wisest and richest king of all time, everywhere.

11. Uriah. i know, i know.  he's not even part of the lineage.  he *was* one of King David's best friends, had super-high rank in the legendary "Mighty Men"- until Dave decided to sleep with Bathsheba his wife, have him straight-up murdered and not think twice about it.  i love how even though he had no genetic contribution, it's his name mentioned, not Bathsheba.  he was faithful to his king, his country, and likely also Yahweh- faithful to the death and honorable to the end.  and his name is here, hundreds of years later.

12. Rehoboam.  an idiot who destroyed the empire Solomon built.  his dad was in the grave all of ten seconds before the bad decision-making began and he alienated 95% of his subjects, who subsequently rejected him. for some odd reason, he was not assassinated.

13. Hezekiah. spared miraculously from death by Sennacherib and the full might of the Assyrian army, then spared miraculously from death by illness.  stories like his are awesome, and rare.  read it. fun fact:  one of the most well-known prophecies regarding Jesus's birth (likely) came during that invasion of Assyria, when every Israelite was shaking in his sandals and puking from sheer terror.  Micah 5:2-5a says:

 "But you, Bethlehem Ephrathah, who are too little to be among the clans of Judah, from you shall come forth for me one who is to be ruler in Israel, whose coming forth is from of old, from ancient days.  Therefore he shall give them up until the time when she who is labor has given birth; then the rest of his brothers shall return to the people of Israel.  And he shall stand and shepherd his flock in the strength of the Lord, in the majesty of the name of the Lord his God.  and they shall dwell secure, for now he shall be great to the ends of the earth.  and he shall be their peace."

Micah 5:1 and 5:5b-6 both mention sieges and Assyrians and swords and scary things.

14. Babylon.  instead of simply killing the entire royal line after the Babylonian captivity, Jechoniah survives and so does his family line.  captivities are perfect times for bad things to happen, for people to get murdered, for rebellions to be squashed and for God to show His hand in incredible ways by not having any of those things happen.  the Babylonians were not a much better option than the Assyrians, but neither could defeat Yahweh's plan.

15. may as well bring it up, even though everybody knows it. Mary.  she was only half-way married, according to what i've heard of ancient betrothal customs of the day.  there was a legal contract (Step 1), but the actual wedding ceremony (Step 2) had not happened yet.  one source i read stated that because of this, the whole oops-Mary-is-pregnant thing was only a small scandal, instead of the full-blown, front-page news story it could have been, but still.  God said "it's time for Christmas" and He found Mary.  the fact that she had no idea what she was doing had no bearing on the situation.  God did know what He was doing, and she submitted.

*** 

the shepherds sitting on a hill that lonely night of unknown exactness were also tired of waiting.  they were bored out of their skulls, playing chess for the millionth time with each other, hopefully with their sheepies safe in the paddock for the night.  taking turns watching for stray wolves or bears or IRS agents, they all saw the most unexpected guy.   

he was shiny.

he was in the sky.

and he was SINGING.

and then all his shiny, singing buddies showed up too.

their waiting was over. 400 years of a whole lot of NOTHING, and now the time foretold had come.  and instead of busting into the royal palace bedrooms and priests' compounds and even the Holy Temple, the Herald Angels came to the shepherds, and they Harked. 

there's at least 15 reasons why Hark the Herald Angels Sing is basically my favorite Christmas song of all time forever.

1-14 are because that sight, on that night, is so incredibly incredible is blows my mind to smithereens and makes my pulse go up and my eyes tear up and.. and.. i can't understand how anyone can hear that song and not jump up and down and go tearing up and down the sanctuary aisles.  EVEN THE BAPTISTS.

like, COME ON NOW.  THERE ARE ANGELS SINGING RIGHT OVER YOUR HEADS. 

SHOUTING, " JESUS IS HERE!!!!  HE'S  FINALLY, FINALLY HERE!!! "

JOIN THEM!!!! 
WHY ARE YOU STILL SITTING?!?!

reason 15 is that there are few other hymns that contain so much theology from Genesis to Revelation that speak to what most humans feel, if you can bear to sing past the second verse (…when did churches stop doing that?).   because this post isn't long enough, i'm going to put all the verses here.  you may not have another chance this Christmas season, and that is a travesty.

Hark! the herald angels sing, "Glory to the newborn King!"

Peace on earth and mercy mild, God and sinner reconciled.

Joyful, all ye nations rise- join the triumph of the skies

with angelic hosts proclaim, "Christ is born in Bethlehem!"

Christ, by highest heaven adored, Christ the everlasting Lord:

late in time behold him come, offspring of the virgin's womb.

veiled in flesh the God-head see, hail the incarnate deity

pleased as man with men to dwell, Jesus our Emmanuel!

hail the heaven-born prince of Peace, hail the Son of Righteousness!

Light and Life to all He brings, risen with healing in His wings.

mild He lays His glory by, born that man no more may die;

born to raise the sons of earth, born to give them second birth.

come Desire of Nations, come, fix in us Thy humble home.

Rise, the woman's conquering seed- bruise in us the serpent's head!

Adam's likeness now efface, stamp Thy image in its place!

Second Adam from above, reinstate us in Thy love.

Hark! the herald angels sing, "glory to the newborn King!"

the social rejects of the day were the first to get the baby shower invitations. the poor ones, the bottom of the totem poles, the victims of a screwed up society who had even worse political scenery than we do-  God must thrive on possibilifying impossibilities, because the whole Bible's full of it.  somehow, out of a chronically depressing situation, hope came. no parties were thrown, no family get-togethers, no lunatics destroying the marketplaces with their insane bargain-hunting. 

the shepherds just had to go.  they may have washed up and changed shirts (if they had a spare), but probs not.  they had no gift but the gift of their simple, joyful acceptance of the fact that their Savior had come, and their delicious odor.  it fit in well with the barnyard scene.

if your life is full of impossible hopes and dreams, you are in good company. 

if you are lonely, and hopeful- or maybe unhopeful

or fearful, surrounded by enemies and under siege from all sides

or looking at your family/living situation and wondering what the snap is going on

or just waiting. waiting with your tissues in hand and your heart on the line

or aching for that healing

or still wounded by that serpent and his curse, suffering from the fact that we trace our lineage to Adam, through murderers, hookers, rapists, terrorists, rebels, and every other sort of sinner just like me.

Hope came, and it is coming again.  Emmanuel really is with us, even when we don't feel Him.  the Second Adam is doing everything the first one couldn't.  someday soon, the impossibilities will be no longer.

i do not have the voice of an angel, nor can i levitate above your head and shine.

what i can do is cry.  i'm shedding tears this Christmas because of several deep-cutting impossibilities that are weighing me down this season.  i'm not okay now, so you just need to be okay with that.  don't try to fix it- just let me feel this now.  don't worry- i know what's coming. the angels are coming again, and so is Christ, by heaven's highest adored, Christ the Everlasting Lord with more Light, Life and Healing that i can fathom.

some of these tears are tears of Hope.  i can almost hear those herald angels still, and that song is a beautiful, beautiful one.

and i just wanna keep harking for a little while longer.

the banana peel

i was chatting with a friend today over some tea, and somehow this dog i used to know came up in the convo.  i wish it had not.  this was not my least favorite dog, but it was nowhere close to my Top 10 either.  how this dog survived as long as it did is remarkable.  this was one of those creatures you could describe as "three paws in the grave, and the last one on a banana peel."  the amount of fur it shed was disgustingly impressive, it only moved out of necessity, and there were days when some doggy activities didn't count as a necessity worth moving for.  this dog, however, had a happy spirit that i've rarely seen in a living being with that many health issues.

every time i get through a shift like last night, i'm filled with the same kind of awe. nights like that are a present…gift-wrapped by Hades himself.  i seriously can't remember the last time so many things, so many alarms, so many babies, so many everythings all happened at the same time.  so you kNOW that's when the 3rd computer of the night shuts down, the isolette flashes "System Error 25" instead of working, my patients are crying, others' might be dying, and i am LITERALLY playing "Telephone" with the NNP and I.T. because the phone cord won't reach to the antagonistic computer we had to fix. no one died, but i thought about a lot of bad words, and i'm still praying for some of our patients who aren't out of the woods yet. 

this tea we were sipping was at the house of a more recent friend who has gone through quite a valley herself, and this tea party was hosted in the honor of her lost daughter, who i had only met once in August and was gone a week later.

thoughts and memories like these made me all the more thankful for this thing we call "life," but even more so for the Life that's coming.  i can't fathom how life can be so fragile and short, but yet so durable for decades.  i'd fail if you asked me to explain the kidneys to you.  i can plug in a new isolette, but if the d**n thing keeps alarming and shutting down right when 14 other things and people need my attention, i still can't figure out what to do.  besides prioritize that as LAST. 

but i have learned a few things, from people, circumstances, books, sermons and music.

-life is really like a banana (/banana peel).

it's weird, multi-dimensional, hard to describe, and often hard to handle.  most people get along fine with it, but then again not.  one will fill you up, but sharing it with the right person doesn't leave you any less full. there's never a trash can available when i eat bananas (those rare times), and it's just plain awkward walking around a stringy wad of browning banana-ness to find one.  

- your suffering brings others to God

i've listened to 5 months of sermons in the past 2 weeks, and the most recent centered on Namaan, a pagan idolater who was healed by Jehovah because of the Hebrew slave girl he "owned." even though her family and friends were likely all dead because of this guy, and she was kidnapped and pressed into slave labor through no fault of her own- she still cared enough about her master to tell him of the One she knew could heal him from leprosy.  i'm not that nice, i don't think, but it was nice to hear again the idea that God can do 10,000 things all at once even if i only know about 3 of them (John Piper).  and of the 9,997 other things going on, 9,992 have nothing to do with me (JD Greear). suffering in this life has a purpose whether you know it or not.

-your suffering brings you to God

this past week, i learned that 2 people in my life have cancer.  i immediately thought about that day in late march when i heard the words "you have a mass…. a large one." and then was directed to go to Memphis RIGHT AWAY to speak to an oncological surgeon.  i'd been awake for 24 hours by that point, worked more than 12 of them, and had been feeling rough for more than 300.  i'm just going to say i didn't verbalize any prayers for a little bit.  i could barely think.  all i could do was text a few people and have them pray at first instead. 

but a thing like that will change your prayers.  and increase them, in both intensity and frequency! 

there are other things that i have not yet learned how to appreciate in the same way, but at least for some of those moments i can see ways that i've grown closer to Him because of, not in spite of  those times.  just about the only thing i remember from a Bible study i did on Jonah was that God will never let anything happen to you that would make you trust Him less.  however it works… it works. just let it.

- learn someone's favorite color before their political party

this friend that we lost in August was a bright, cheery personality that i knew for a single day.  she was awesome.  i was finishing up breakfast with her family and some friends when i saw her doing dishes in purple gloves. based on that, her purple slippers and purple curtains- it was a pretty easy conclusion to make. 

there are some things that are more important than huge debates about things that divide us.  if i want to feel like i know somebody as a friend, i'll ask about their favorite color, or hobbies or pets.  even if you disagree strongly about a serious issue, that conversation isn't going to go anywhere if you see them as a target or competition rather than a human being with a brain and heart just like you.

make connections, don't make them impossible.

-everybody's a theologian

every person capable of thought has an opinion or belief about God, whether a deity exists or not, what it is like if it does, and how it interacts with the visible world.  time for everybody to stop treating the subject otherwise.  faith and science intersect in too many points for continued blindness. it's going to continue- i'm not stupid to think otherwise- but it shouldn't.  and given the enormity of the issue's implications, it's worth spending time to figure out what sort of theologian you are.

-time is money, but it doesn't come with a credit card

for almost every home renovation, recipe and health topic out there, you can find at least 29,003 DIY pointers, suggestions, hacks, gizmos, gadgets or guys to help you out.  it all comes down to which you want to keep more of: time or money. 

but while banks are relatively forgiving when it comes to unpaid balances, life is not.  you can't take any of tomorrow early, and you can't keep more than a memory of yesterday.  when the timeline runs out, that's it.  whatever calendar square you're dancing on right now is the one you've got to fill up with what's most important. 

-stop the passive aggression

life is too short.  say what you mean. if you can't say it without being mean, then don't say it.  i promise you won't regret it.  if a song touches you, sing it out- loud and proud.  if it doesn't then maybe it's not worth listening to. being assertive is healthy; being manipulative or forceful or jerky is not.  be open, friendly, honest, fearless.  if you always speak the truth *in love*, you have nothing to truly fear.

-the past is important.  so is the future.

the "stuff" that happens here on earth has a reason, regardless of whether you know it.  at least one reason is that this whole thing we call "life" is really just the preface to more LIFE than could fit in our combined caffeinated imaginations.  we are getting practice for the Life coming up!! when the banana peel gives me a final slip, it's not the end.  it's the end of a few things, like your chance to decide where  you'd like to spend the new forever (hence, the point on theologians), but not the End. it's a brand new beginning that itself has no end.

it's like the song, but not obnoxiously irritating…

there were more.

but then THIS computer shut down, and i have to pack for yet another trip.

i have enjoyed being able to find something each day of November so far to be thankful for, and being able to share them is even better. this banana peel of a life is slipping away, but while it's here, i'm glad i get to share even this little bit with you!