a picture worth 4 words

a few years ago our church ordered the updated AWANA program materials, which was a blessing and a loss for me, as a large part of my work had now been outsourced. every wednesday, i would show up early in order to get everything organized and set up and photocopied and labeled.  the most time-consuming part, but an intriguing diversion, was to come up with pictures for each week's Bible story.  for some reason, in another classroom in that wing are 2 massive wooden shelves or drawers stuffed with what appears to be every single Bible picture card that any baptist ever drew.  the oldest copyright date i've located predates the Cold War. 

i loved rifling through so many creative expressions of these scenes of David or Nebuchadnezzar or John the Baptist or Moses.  while i don't know what Moses looked like, i'm pretty sure he wasn't white, and i'm very sure he didn't have google eyes.

while i don't have to fight anymore to find an appropriate picture, in that mess of cardstock i actually took my favorite one and now keep it in our Cubbies room with our flashy new google-eyed picture cards.  it was such an inspiration to me, and even now i wonder at it. it's an artist's conception of one of my favorite Bible stories, even though there is no action, no drama, no loud noises or excitement at all.  it's two people, talking.  that's it.

but one of those people is Nicodemus. and the other person is Jesus. 

i identify strongly with Nicodemus on many levels.  i can more than imagine- i can remember- what he was thinking that night.  he was creeping in the shadows to Jesus's house because he would die of shame if anyone knew that someone raised in the church, who'd made a profession of faith and been baptized at 12, who read her NIV Bible every day and knew all the trivia answers… if someone like that still didn't know the basics of that religion?  if they struggled with anger, depression, forgiveness, trust?  if they could quote tons of verses but couldn't life them out? if they'd rather die than go one more day without peace or hope or something bigger than myse- i mean, himself- to live for? oh wait.  that wasn't Nicodemus- that really was me… but Jesus sat down that night and talked to him anyway. no sneer of contempt.  no raised eyebrow or turned up nose. He said, "sure. come on in- let's find a quiet place to chat."

and then that pasty-white, brown-haired, blue-eyed Jesus told Nicodemus the same incredible story that the google-eyed Jesus helped me tell the Cubbies last week. although the editors cleaned it up a bit, the picture card is pretty clear about what's happening to Jesus on that cross. to the left is a giant red "C" with 4 words underneath: "…Christ died for us." 

the 1986 version depicts that proud Pharisee sitting in the dark, hoping none of the members of his Sanhedrin facebook group tags him in a picture with a "heretic" like Jesus. he's aware of what hangs in the balance, though, and he knows it's worth risking a visit to this man who somehow speaks about God like He's real, and close, and personal, and powerful, and wise, and every bit as incredible as the Torah says He is. Nicodemus wants that God- at the very least, he wants to seriously look into it.  he's not ready to ditch the prestigious job, and he can't quite figure out how someone can be "born again," but he also knows there's something different about Jesus.

as i look into options, here and abroad, for sharing that same Good News on a longer-term basis, i've made sheets for each of the Cubbies to take home and share their story or verse with family and friends each week.  i bribed them with hand stamps, but hey…

holding myself accountable to that goal, i was given the opportunity to share the Gospel with a few people myself. a couple of them responded like Nicodemus's Sanhedrin friends did, complete with name-calling, self-righteousness and complete rejection (not unexpected, but my soul hurts for them anyway).  but one responded like Nicodemus. he can't quite let go of the Hinduism he grew up with, but he knows there's something different about Jesus.  he wants a God who listens to prayers, who cares about his burdens, who doesn't require penance for every single individual sin.  he wants to know what's going to happen to him after his life here ends. he wants justice for the evil he sees everywhere humans go. 

the best part is that Jesus gave Nicodemus 4 other words: "For God so loved…"  God loves the self-righteous as much as He loves the Hindu.  which is good, because otherwise i would have been chucked out on my ear. Jesus continued to say, "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life."  that's a promise. a mighty big one, at that.

and it's one that everyone needs to hear, because that promise is to them also.  

there's about a 0% chance that you do not know someone who needs to be told those four words "for God so loved."  someone you know is struggling with doubts and concerns and needs to hear, "Christ died for us."  you may or may not get a response.  that response may or may not be positive.  but just a few words can change a life.  Nicodemus was changed, and he makes an appearance at Jesus' cross with other believers.  i was changed, and i showed up at the cross, too- just a few thousand years later.  you were changed, or you never would have read this far.  

celebrate that.  celebrate the change in your life, because it's mind-blowingly awesome what God did for you. 

then find your "nicodemus" and have a chat with them.  it can all start with a few words.

a lament for Orlando

ugh.

i just really feel the need to tell the world that i have a sinus infection.

it's hard enough for me to think some things through, but when you've got gelatinous boogers twanging on all your brain cells, it really does something to things like cerebral functioning, temperament and personal tissue preferences.  there are some thing you just shouldn't get store brand when you are sick.  1-ply (anything)= hatred. 

our mission team to Brazil hadn't even made it past Washington DC before every tv in the airport was throwing us a barrage of updates and opinions and news conference clips regarding the latest massacre, this time in Orlando.

i had feared this very thing- the transition between a week of seeing what God is doing in other countries and in the lives of our friends (and ourselves)… and coming back to America, where things like politics, work drama, societal obligations, errands and the cat all compete for my attention.  

and then i went to a Bible study.

after a great dinner, we sat around an irregularly shaped coffee table and opened our notebooks, clicked our pens and flipped our Bibles to the… saddest and most depressing and mournful book EVER.

Lamentations, man.  Lamentations.  

it is exactly what it sounds like.  it is a collection of the prophet's (historically, and therefore here, Jeremiah's) laments.  his whines. his groans. his poetically penned complaints. no, really- every chapter is written as an alphabetic acrostic. he's got skill, even in grief.

you might say, like i have before, "why on earth?"  why would that ever be included in the Bible?  why was he so frickin' upset? why didn't God tell him to hush up?

and also, "why should i care? how can that ever make me feel better?"

here's why.  just bear with me and my snot-saturated brain for a bit.

here's the layout of this situation that was all up in Jeremiah's face:

he was a part of the nation of Israel, which had for all practical purposes split into Israel (10-ish tribes) and Judah  (1-ish tribes, depending on land, of which the Levites didn't get any, and also the fact that Ephraim and Manasseh were both from the same son of Israel. yeah, i know.  there's really 13 tribes, but one of the 12 sons got a double share, and then one son inherited the priesthood instead of land, so everything shakes out alright). 

anyway, ALL the tribes had… failed.  epically.  this was the origin of the "you had ONE job!!" line.  their ONE JOB was to show how great their God was.  they didn't even have to "do" much.  HE WAS RIGHT THERE.  LITERALLY. PHYSICALLY. VISIBLY. RIGHT. THERE. every nation had seen and heard and wondered at the HUGE things this "Yahweh" was doing. there was a temple where His presence resided, 24/7.  seriously, all the Jews had to do was point.

every time they forgot Him, He gave another gracious reminder of His eternal, all-powerful presence.  then they were good for about 6 months.  possibly a generation, if they were truly impressed.

He made a covenant with them.  "follow these rules, be different from the pagans, and I will love, cherish, protect, bless, multiply, thrill, fulfill you. break the covenant, and I will punish you."

they agreed.

then they forgot. 

then they flat-out ditched Him.  turned their backs on the Deity that brought them through fire and water, and started praying to carved rocks and chiseled wooden pillars.

the One thing that set them apart as a people was the one thing they spurned.  they looked across to the Moabites and Amorites and Ammonites and Hittites and Hivites and Philistines (and yes, they sound like congested people named them all)- and they said, "eh- that's not so bad. it's just a little different. no way would God really have a problem with me doing this."

enter the prophets.

this tiny little subset of Jews were called individually to alert their fellow men of the coming danger.

because God did, and does care.  it's not ultimately about the "things" the people were doing.  it's simply because He is HOLY. He is so much greater and better and stronger and more perfect than our minds can fathom that He can not be around sin, much the same way that light simply cannot ever coexist around darkness.  even a little candle will shatter gloom.  the very nature of light, or holiness, is such that it is forever separated from darkness, or unrighteousness. it's why He made that covenant.  it's why He made the sacrificial system and a non-deadly way for His chosen people to come near Him, live in His presence, speak to Him "as a man speak to his friend" like Moses. it's why He said, "don't be like them" - because they were… they were evil, folks. evil. before you blame God for taking out those nations, research "Molech"-just not during lunch.  and every time His people chose evil over Him, He patiently waited, He nudged, He reminded, He spoke through prophets- everything to get their attention first.  He did everything before punishing- if that's not love, i don't know what is.

well, they didn't listen to Jeremiah, just like they didn't listen to any of the other prophets.

and because God is holy and just and always keeps every single promise, He held to the covenant.  He left His temple. and punishment came.

and Jeremiah wept.

this is not the "oh boy, this hurts" crying.

this is the hopeless, despairing, pain-beyond-words-or-tears-or-breath crying. 

the armies were coming.  the cities were under siege. the chosen people were literally starving to the point of cannibalism. and they still chose to seek favor and help from their carved rocks and chiseled wooden pillars, rather than receive the forgiveness freely offered by God through the prophets. 

guys, i was convicted. and this ain't the germs talkin'.

working through such a depressing 22 verses hurt. it still does.  if my throat weren't sore, i might be weeping right now.

this nation- my nation- has forgotten and rejected God as surely as Israel did all those thousands of years ago.  i know America isn't God's chosen people, but even His Church within America seems to be floundering a bit.  our ONE JOB is to display God and His love, mercy, justice, forgiveness, power, glory… His HOLINESS. i need to be as broken as Jeremiah over the state of this country and what it is costing our souls. i am surrounded by lost, hurting, spiritually confused people and i... i have been called by God to be a witness. and i have failed.  i have retreated.  i have caved to pressure.  and now i see judgement on its way, and i should be weeping a whole lot more than i have been.

the thing with the prophets, and God's judgements, and all that stuff nobody likes to talk about it that it is just impossible to have a true concept of His holiness and a warped concept of sin.  they go hand in hand.  to minimize one is to minimize the other.  you can't take God seriously and in the next breath say, "my sin's not so bad."  because sin is a direct affront to His holiness.  more than that, to wave off sin is to show straight-up contempt for Jesus' sacrifice.  the epitome of love, mercy, grace, justice, humility, perfection- and sinners blow it off.  "my sin's not so bad; thanks for the gesture, Jesus, but i'm a pretty decent person and i don't need your sacrifice."  when we itemize sin, when we compare ourselves, when we apply our own standards to ourselves and hold it up to God like it's some great accomplishment...all of it...all of it takes the camera off God and focuses on us.  try as we might, our souls are never gonna be a pretty picture apart from Christ. we've deluded ourselves into thinking we can dress up the outside and be okay.

i have heard many times that a main deterrent to Christianity is that while Jesus and His teachings are pleasant, God and His punishments-particularly of the ancient non-Israelite nations- are simply intolerable.  they shout "God is love" as if they really understood that phrase and stalk off in anger.  could you appreciate a God who didn't take Himself seriously, who didn't punish wrong, who broke His word and was so small and weak that human brains could completely understand Him? no, really- think about that for a sec before you answer. they ignore the atrocities those people were committing, in flagrant disobedience to God, and say Love wouldn't punish it. God IS Love- but His perfect Love is included as a part of His majestic HOLY character.

they, just like the ancient Israelites, have forgotten His holiness. we as Christians have snuck into the background and hidden from these hard questions because we don't always know the answers- we have forgotten, too.

it hasn't happened overnight.  the Jews didn't collectively wake up one Tuesday and say, "Hey- here's an idea.  let's ask that Asherah pole for some rain, good crops and many many children."  but what was once "wrong" became "weird." before too long, "weird" became "different." soon after, "different" turned into "acceptable/normal/okay/celebrated".

but unlike Jeremiah, we aren't weeping.  we've become callused to words like "abortion" or "Obama" or…

or "lie" and "pride" and "gossip" and oh yes, i just said all that.

we've downsized our "little" sins. we've blamed those who struggle with the "big" sins.  we've got them all ranked and ordered, so we know just how upset we should be. 

the problem is that ALL OF THIS takes our focus off God.  if we were doing our job and upholding His holiness, i think several things would happen.

-we would recognize that our sins are every bit as bad as anyone's from Orlando, whether inside the club or outside. murderer, hater, liar, thief, gay, glutton, abuser, gossip/slanderer...if you sped on your way to work, you broke the law.  if you can't even handle state laws, how on earth do you reckon you're just fine with God's laws? quit calling a wicked gunman "God's judgement on gays" unless you're ready for God's judgement on your sin, too.  NO!! just no. man, that makes me so mad- i almost feel like my fever's coming back.  STOP IT!!

-we Christians would recognize our part in America, and that we share some of the blame for these atrocious sins happening every day across the nation while we creep back into our tiny little comfort zones and block it out. we need to speak out, fight evil, uphold righteousness, be involved in this country and do more than we are to represent Christ.

-we would get over our pride and reach out. reach out to everyone. even if 99% of the ones you reach out to choose to remain trapped in their blindness, if you hold that flame up someone might just see their way to the path leading to eternal Life. BE THE CHURCH.  the Church is the Holy Spirit's dwelling place, the arms and feet and eyes and heart of Jesus.  BE THAT. not the loudmouths who so full of anger and pride that they can't recognize the hurting souls all around them.

-we would weep.  we would weep for our families, our friends, our coworkers and our neighbors who don't/can't/won't see God and His truth.  we would weep for our LGBT community and the sin committed against them.  yes, i think that lifestyle is wrong and outside God's will, but God is lovingly waiting for them, not targeting them.  no, God was not caught off-guard by the massacre; even though it was wrong, it is a part of God's plan that uses people's evil to show His contrasting holiness.

because the whole point of the Gospel is that because of God's holiness and our utter inability to perfectly maintain His standards, there was a Plan already in motion.  He wants to be with us.  He wants us to love Him. so He took a "risk" a gave us free will to follow… or to flop.

God knew we'd flop.  He knew that sheep and goat sacrifices were not a long-term solution to our daily sins.  so to maintain His holiness, keep His covenant and punish sin- but ALSO to not destroy the objects of His affection (that's us, people)- He sent Jesus. 

those who accept His sacrifice are forgiven.  that's it.  clean slate. there is no "ranking" of sinners or penance to be paid.

those who refuse it will take the punishment themselves.  the Jews got a taste of it- the temple forsaken by God, they were left alone and destitute. hopeless and without anyone to even hear their parched cries. 

the Gospel is a word of hope, however.

even though the critics, and many Christians… and i… forget, even something as tragic as a massacre is not outside God's plan.  His greatest victories often come through the most troubling of crises.  our lack of understanding does not negate His omnipotence,  or His ability to turn the whole situation around for good.  this is a dark time for us, for our nation and specifically now for our LGBT community. we as Christians ARE GOD'S TEMPLE that is not forsaken, the visible presence of God- and we have ONE JOB.  let's do it! let's fall down and weep with those who weep.  let's proclaim the news of hope like Jeremiah.  let's hold up a flame and light the way to the Cross, where His holiness is fully satisfied, were darkness disappears, where Hope is eternal and where all God's chosen people find the comfort, love, forgiveness and peace that can only come from Him.

i am no longer

it's been a while since i wanted my words to heard so clearly. there is such a burden on my mind and i'm afraid that if readers misunderstand me, super-bad reactions and things might happen.  so track with me, and ask questions before making assumptions or jacking your blood pressure up to IV metoprolol levels, please. that'd be awesome.

i have very dear, very close friends on both sides of the ongoing conversation the media is having.  we just now celebrated Memorial Day- a chance to remember that blood, sweat, and countless tears were shed to protect each American's undying right to have their own voice be heard, as long as it stays in an appropriate context.  if we forget our history, we are doomed to repeat it.  i think we're doomed, but still…

i think my struggle here is that i completely agree with both sides. 

but i also completely disagree with both sides.  and so i'm confused.  and hurting. yet strangely okay, as long as i remember my own history.  (key point right here).

*if you keep reading, please not that i have cited extensive sections of Paul's letter to the Romans, because i think his argument makes the case really very well.  these sections are in italics and indented, if you don't have time to read them now.  any bold type/emphasis is mine. two parallel trains of thought, so it might be easier to only read my text, then Romans 2-8 separately.*

i was literally just talking a couple weeks ago with a friend about the Duggars, and what the world would do when they all found out that they are not, in fact, the perfect family with no problems and no sin and no tears and nothing swept under any of their carpets.

and then it happened. 

just like it always does (always, always), sin that had hidden for so long reared its ugly head, and it's like every single TLC fan took a collective gasp in disbelief.  almost by accident, yet also by divine design, we learned that a teenager, raised by parents who are religious to the point of extreme, did some remarkably stupid things- sick things, really.

key point right here: what Josh Duggar did was wrong.  however sick and twisted he thought it was at the time, it was WAY more so.  he was a teenager, and we all know teens can be so stupid at times that we wonder how this human race has made it this far.  and we know that everyone involved knew beyond doubt that it was wrong because of the lengths everyone went to keep it quiet.  counseling for all involved?  great!  manual labor as punishment? excellent!  serious chats with law enforcement officers?  i'm all about that. 

here's where i'm divided. 

the Duggar fans cite all the above as proof that he's good to go, cheer him on for coming clean, say the parents did all they should have, and are thankful that he has changed his ways and is now the good leader of his own household. 

the non-Duggar fans point out that hiding this until the statute of limitations comes into play is kinda cheating the law, talking to a police officer with (huge, very huge) sins of his own probably wasn't the *best* idea, and that no amount of private counseling and manual labor is enough to blot out the "X" on his soul. 

i'm divided because… well, because ALL this, ALL OF IT, is (i believe right now) 10000000% true. all of it.

here's why:  i am that person everybody is pointing and staring at. 

i am that sinner.

i am that convict.

i am a murderer. an adulteress.  a liar, a cheat, a thief.

the only reason it's Josh's name and not mine  on everyone's "trending now" tagline is because he's on a tv show and i'm not.

99% of those active in my life know only about the past few years of my life.  they know (most of them) how old i am, how many siblings i have, that i no longer am a New Yorker, that i am a nurse.  they have either worked with me, lived near me or gone to church or college with me.  they all know the part of me that is excellent material for a family-friendly show- because we all know how pleasant life as a night-shift nurse is... BAAHAHAHA!! 

no but really, i don't care.  i wouldn't trade it for (just about) anything.

but there are a few, a very few, who know a bit more.  because they were there and actively involved when i came clean.

i remember, still so vividly, when i was finally able to look down and see the blood dripping from my own two hands, physically nauseous and dizzy from seeing my guilt, the pain i had caused, the wrongdoing i'd been involved it.  i could see my sin for what it truly was, and it was hideous.

there was a choice right then- or rather a collection of them- summed up in the one choice of "what in the flaming heck am i going to do?!?"

i could sweep it back under the carpet, limit it to the far reached fringes of memory, try some detergent to rid me of the stains and never speak of it again.  but no matter who knew or didn't, i could still feel the heat from the flames i was leaning over the

brink of.  i could see the "X" that no cleaning agent or bucket of tears could fully cleanse…. they could only smudge it a little.

so many people are angry that there's nothing the law can do now.  stupid statute of limitations- how dare they clear his record?  how dare those he hurt forgive him?  how dare he ever be happy again- there's no way he changed, there's no way his wife should stay with him, and there's no way he can ever be defined as anything but a scummy troll for the rest of his days!

well, from all i've learned, heard and read, there is no law, no moral code, no religion in this world that puts you in the right and Josh Duggar in the wrong.

the American penal system?  if you're going to complain that the law cleared him, then go to the police station right now and offer to pay the ticket price for every single time you've gone even 1 mph over the speed limit. every stick of gum you didn't pay for, intentionally or not. every stop sign you didn't completely stop for. the American law is trapped in so many double standards it can't see straight.  if a pregnancy is "wanted" by the woman yet lost in a car accident or miscarriage, then it's a child we mourn.  but if it's not wanted, it's just some tissue to be sucked out and tossed in the biohazard disposal container.  those who quietly follow a particular, non-popular religion are "intolerant," but those who target them, sue them, force them out of business, mock and slander them are only "fighting for their rights"?

you're really gonna trust in that kind of penal system to clear you, yet condemn him- and call that fair justice?

edited note: WHAT I AM NOT SAYING is that if you go 35 in a 30 mph zone, you deserve the same punishment in the American courts as a violator of children- the single most hated criminal, even to every other criminal.  flawed though it is, the American law provides punishments that seek to fit the crime, and i believe they should be kept, upheld to the fullest measure, and in many cases are way more lenient than i would be, and what other countries currently are.

WHAT I AM SAYING is that we have courts for that, and unless you are a certified judge or on a jury, your job is not to cast blame, until you also accept and make up for your own acts that, however "small" or "insignificant" are still illegal.  in this one situation with the Duggars, his crime is horrendous, but the legal system's hands are tied, so to speak.  the fact that the statute of limitations has expired is sketchy to say the least, but it is a fact.  it is also a fact that his victims have chosen to forgive him and asked that for their own sake the police file be done away with.  i believe the true hypocrites are those who grudgingly admit the victims' forgiveness, claim Jesus' forgiveness for themselves, even say there is God's forgiveness for the Duggars, yet refuse to forgive him themselves, though they do not know him personally at all and only what the media tells them. 

I AM SAYING that there are two laws at work- the American law, and God's law.  both have an answer to this, but from my experiences (which are more than you are thinking right now, i'm almost sure), God's law is the only flawless one that provides both justice to satisfy the red-faced screamers out there, and also appropriate amounts of perfect grace.

Buddhism, Hinduism, even many forms of cultural faiths don't say you're off the hook- they just give you all the retrys you want to get "life" right.  innumerable reincarnations until you're finally "good enough" to reach blissful nothingness.  (not even to ask where the "bliss" is, if there's nothing there…)

stick with that, and all you can say is that maybe JD needs a few more go-arounds than you.  can't really complain about him more than that.

none of these options is good enough though.  don't even kid yourself.  i think every single American, deep inside, is torn because we all have a craving for true justice.  there's a reason we only really like the crime shows that depict most or all of the "bad guys" being convicted and locked up for the rest of their lives- or heading straight to Death Row with no chance at an appeal. 

but we're also torn because deep inside, we also know it's not quite as cut-and-dry as those 43 minutes.  many of those convicts outwardly live lives at least as good as we ourselves do, and we know that if those "bad guys" are guilty (...which they are…) then so are we (…. uh-oh…). 

Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgement on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things. We know that the judgement of God rightly falls on those who practice such things. Do you suppose, O man- you who judge those who practice such things and yet do them yourself- that you will escape the judgement of God? Or do you presume upon the riches of His kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance? But because of your hard and impenitent heart you are storing up wrath for yourself on the day of wrath when God's righteous judgement will be revealed.

He will render to each one according to his works: to those who by patience in well-doing see for glory and honor and immortality, He will give eternal life; but for those who are self-seeking and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness, there will be wrath and fury...For God shows no partiality.

Romans 2:1-11

here's why:  i am that person everybody is pointing and staring at. 

i am that sinner.

i am that convict.

i am a murderer. an adulteress.  a liar, a cheat, a thief.

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spriit who has been given to us.

Romans 5:1-5

but we don't usually think about it outside those 43 minutes, do we?  nope.  we let that one case, with that one wrongdoing, completely define that one human being.  we're treating the real-life Duggar just as if he's just another tv-show character, but not holding ourselves to the same standards. 

here's why:  i am that person everybody is pointing and staring at. 

i am that sinner.

i am that convict.

i am a murderer. an adulteress.  a liar, a cheat, a thief.

my verdict was clear: guilty, whatever law you held me to.

my choice:  what is going to define my life?

i could have gone that route- i could choose to be defined by one act long ago, that left blood dripping from my hands.  those ugly moments from my life, those memories i can't be rid of, the faces of the ones i've hurt.

but i chose to be defined by one act much longer ago.

one act where Someone different, with hands dripping - not with someone else's blood but His own- took the stand and pled "Guilty" in my stead. 

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person- though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die- but God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 

Romans 5:6-8

here's why:  He was that person everybody was pointing and staring at. 

He was that sinner.

He was that convict.

He was a murderer. an adulterer.  a liar, a cheat, a thief.

Since, therefore, we have now been justified by His blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God.  For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of His Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by His life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

Romans 5:9-11

He himself was completely innocent, but He took those sins and literally made them His own, thereby literally making Himself guilty.  then He paid the price.  

Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned- for sin indeed was in the world before the law was given, but sin is not counted where there is no law.  Yet death reigned from Adam to Moses, even over those whose sinning was not like the transgression of Adam, who was a type of the One who was to come.

Romans 5:12-14

so where is the justice?  where is the justice for Duggar's victims? for all those wronged in ways that make the bile rise in our throats, our throats that are crying out in anger and indignation at the tragedies that happen at the hands of evil people? 

But the free gift is not like the trespass. For if many died through one man's trespass, much more have the grace of God and the free gift by the grace of that one man Jesus Christ abounded for many.  And the free gift in not like the result of that one man's sin.  For the judgement following one trespass brought condemnation, but the free gift following many trespasses brought justification.  For if, because of one man's trespass, death reigned through that one man, much more will those who receive the abundance of grace and the free gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man Jesus Christ.

Romans 5:15-17

some of the most healing words i received from a godly influence in my life were these:  the promise that despite the way it looks from our earthly perspective, there is true justice. 

EVERY SIN WILL BE REPAID.  those who accept forgiveness know that their sin has been taken by Jesus who met true justice with true humility and true love.

everyone else?  they will pay the price themselves.

one way or the other, every sin will be repaid, to the last measure.

Therefore, as one trespass led to condemnation for all men, so one act of righteousness leads to justification and life for all men.  For as by the one man's disobedience the many were made sinners, so by the one Man's obedience the many will be made righteous. Now the law came in to increase the trespass, but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

Romans 5:18-21

here's why:  they each are "that person" everybody is pointing and staring at. 

they are that sinner.

they are that convict.

they are that murderer,  adulteress, liar, cheat and thief.

if you had any idea of the true justice coming, you wouldn't complain that some merely mortal judge let a creep get off "scotfreo*"  in this life.  because he won't in the next when he faces the Eternal One.   

* the Old English language from which we get the term "scot-free," meaning "free, or exempt, from royal tax."

there is only one Law that makes for both ultimate Justice and ultimate Forgiveness. 

What then shall we say? That the law is sin?  By no means! Yet if it had not been for the law, I would not have known sin.  For I would not have known what it is to covet if the law had not said, "You shall not covet." But sin, seizing an opportunity though the commandment, produced in me all kinds of covetousness.  For apart from the law, sin lies dead.  I was once alive apart from the law, but when the commandment came, sin came alive and I died. The very commandment that promised life proved to be death to me.  For sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, deceived me and through it killed me.  So the law is holy, and the commandment is holy and righteous and good.

Romans 7:7-12

it's the law that means that i can say that Josh Duggar's actions were completely of the Evil One, yet i can say i forgive him because i have been forgiven.  he has either taken God's forgiveness openly offered to us all, of he will face more justice than we can stomach the thought of later on.  i don't have to judge him now, because i've already been judged, and God is Judge of all, not me.  i am every inch the sinner he is, and to condemn him is to condemn myself. 

yes, people- PLEASE CONVICT LAWBREAKERS and uphold all the measures of justice we can.  correct wrongdoing, repay what is stolen to the best of our ability.  to the courtroom judge, i say do your duty without prejudice.  jury, seek the truth and hold citizens accountable.

What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it/ Do you not now that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? We were buried therfore with Him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life.

[…]

What then? Are we to sin because we are not under the law but under grace? By no means! Do you not know that that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness? But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness. I am speaking in human terms because of your natural limitations. For just as you once presented your members as slaves to impurity and to lawlessness leading to more lawlessness, so now present yourselves as slaves to righteousness leading to sanctification.

Romans 6:1-4, and 15-19

but do it knowing that outside the courtroom (and a few times within) there is a place for grace, mercy, forgiveness.  [a lot of] people do [eventually] change, and a horrible, stupid teenager doesn't [always] make a terrible, stupid adult.

For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness. But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death.  But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life.  For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 6:20-23

here's why:  I AM NO LONGER that person everybody is pointing and staring at. 

I AM NO LONGER that sinner.

I AM NO LONGER that convict.

I AM NO LONGER a murderer. or an adulteress.  or a liar, or a cheat, or a thief.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.  For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do.  By sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.

[…]

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him graciously give us all things?  Who shall bring any charge against God's elect?  It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died-more than that, who was raised- who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, "For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered."

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:1-4, and 31-39

amen.  hallelujah, amen!

Arnav, Aslan and the Ultimate Father-Abba (Coffee Corner Conversations, #2)

the most recent conversation i've had, in my favorite (only) "coffee corner" in my favorite (only) local bookstore was with a kind Muslim of the non-creeper variety. he's got  double handful of mixed up beliefs about Jesus and the Bible, but for a Muslim he's less mixed up than i originally gave him credit for. 

his pseudonym is "Arnav" simply because a Google searched website said it was the #1 Indian boy name last year.  and it has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

of course, with these two faiths side by side sipping cappuccinos, the hinge of the whole 2.5 hour chat was Jesus, His death and resurrection, and hell.  Arnav's belief of "hell" is much more like the concept of purgatory, a time of penance for wrong beliefs and actions before eventual release to heaven, where he says all souls and spiritual beings will someday find themselves.  if God is loving, he claims, then He could never condemn someone to Hell, even for the worst of crimes.  to make his point, he told me his favorite mini parable, retold here:

two men are sitting by a fire discussing eternity as a woman walks by with her child. the first man asks the second if that mother could ever find it in herself to push her child into the flames.  the second immediately rejects the thought of something to repulsive.  the first man replies, "neither could God ever throw one of His children into hell."

short. sweet.  persuasive.

i'm still not good at finding the right words quickly to respond, and it took me a couple days to figure out what about that bothered me so much.  because what he said was true.  God does love His children beyond what we can fathom. 

but it's what he didn't say- that's the catch.

God loves His children.  we'll put that as a fact right here.

God does not chuck His children into eternal fires, just like that mother wouldn't throw her kid into that fire.

if i were the woman walking by the fire, i would put down my basket, take the kid's hand and march right up to Guy #1 and tell him something. firmly.

i would tell him never to question the love of a true mother for her kid. never. just don't do it.  but i would also tell him to NEVER, EVER QUESTION WHAT I WOULD DO  IF ANYTHING THREATENED THAT CHILD.  you had better believe if some football-player type jerk walked up with a knife, or even just a perverted look on his face directed at my kid, i would TAKE HIM OUT.  i would beat the ever-lovin' snot out of him, and i would fight him all the way into the fire until the threat was eliminated.  i would not take his hand and hold it in the heat for a minute, ask him nicely if he had learned his lesson, and then let him walk away.  i'm sorry, but there is no Purgatory for that one.

animals from every Kingdom, Phylum, Class and Order have representatives that are naturally endowed with a maternal instinct, a self-sacrificial, immediate, natural, thoughtless, response to a threat to her offspring. 

any intelligent human who has gone on a hike ever, knows there are a few key rules: bug spray, how to ID poison ivy, bring a map and a buddy, and FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, IF YOU SEE A BEAR CUB YOU RUN LIKE HECK IN THE OTHER DIRECTION.  

the wrath of a mother bear is not a force to be reckoned with, but a force you hope to never face down, because between Mama Bear and Iron Man…. i'm putting money on Mama Bear.

in response to my friendly Muslim's parable, i put forth my own (well, someone else's).  it's the story of Taken.

this movie, featuring Liam Neeson, is the story of just how far a father will go to get his kidnapped child back. let me tell you, it's pretty freakin' far.  when he overhears the kidnappers take off with his kid and then challenge him from a continent away, his response sends shudders up the backs of the movie viewers-

i don't know who you are. i don't know what you want.  if you are looking for a ransom, i can tell you i don't have money.  what i do have are a very particular set of skills. skills i've acquired over a very long career...if you let my daughter go now, that will be the end of it.  i will not look for you. i will not pursue you.

but if you don't, i will look for you. 

and i will find you. 

and i will kill you.

then he proceeds, in a very Liam Neeson-like manner, to blast through buildings, vehicles, boats, parties, meetings, gangs, construction sites, hooker-houses, and homes until he arrives face to face with the last man standing between him and his daughter. 

all the other challengers are dead. 

i don't know what foolishness made that idiot stand and put a knife to the girl's throat.

but he died, too.

what i love about this movie is that there is absolutely no doubt in anyone's mind while watching this movie that Neeson WILL succeed.  and there is no pity for the evildoers.  nothing but righteous indignation for Liam as he fulfills his promise with firmness, dexterity, and a fair amount of cussing (he's pretty ticked…).

what i love even more is that later on in his career, Liam would also go on to become the new voice of Aslan, the Lion King of Narnia. 

especially this Easter weekend, as Christians around the world celebrate the best holiday ever, we see the real story put before us that Narnia is the parable OF. 

the story of just how far a parent will go to rescue his child.

the story of a child, taken from his parent, trapped, ensnared, lost, hopeless, tired, starving, wretched, weak, alone and on the brink of death and eternal damnation-

...waiting

...silence..

...nothing- then!!

-who is suddenly, miraculously, completely, eternally, firmly, loudly, always-and-forever saved, redeemed, snatched from the clutches of evil and brought away from the danger of the flame and instead placed in a soft green meadow to rest while the Parent "deals with" the threat. 

there's "that moment" in The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe - what a great moment!-  when you can just about hear Aslan's voice echoing from that dusty wardrobe- "GET YOUR HAND OFF MY KID, YOU EVIL WITCH!!!"

i heard it again even tonight, as i was listening to part of the Maundy Thursday service.  this service traces Jesus' journey from the Last Supper, through that dinner, the betrayal, His earnest prayer to not suffer what He was about to suffer, His friends leaving Him alone and denying Him, His betrayer approaching and handing Him off to soldiers, His mocking and beatings, the Cross, the one-way trip up a small hill outside the city where people dumped their trash…

at each step, you're watching, knowing that your soul is hanging in the balance- either He takes the punishment… or you do.

at each step, you're hearing it thinking- "oh snap… He's gonna quit.  i'm not worth that."

and at each step, He says, "yes you are." and He takes another step. 

you want to know how far a parent will go to get His kid back?

the answer is "to hell and back."

He took that Cross, He went through Hell and He came back.

i know there's an eternal Hell where souls go forever. 

i know because it's technically where i belong.

i know because it's also where He went so that i wouldn't.

...and since He's the only one who's done that, i'm going to take His authoritative word on the subject.

Hell is there to show both His eternal love for His children that He saves from judgement, and eternal justice for those who willfully despise  Him and His sacrifice, reject His offer of forgiveness and mercy without price and instead choose to bear their own crosses to Hell...only they can't come back.

hard to hear if you think you're Iron Man, but if you're the cub standing behind Aslan the Protector, it's the most blessed and peaceful message. 

if you are horrified by the idea of Hell, it's probably because you're in your metal outfit and think you're safe- but you question that force in front of you.

this is a good thing.  definitely question that force.

...then admit defeat.  you cannot win. give up now- please.

but Aslan is roaring for you, too.  He defeated the evil forever, not just for Eustace, but for you, too.  He challenged Hell and soundly defeated it in a showdown that reverberated throughout all the realms of nature even to the supernatural heights.  the sun forgot to shine, fabric fell apart, rocks shuddered under people's feet, and dead people forgot they were supposed to stay in their graves and NOT go running through the streets on Passover effectively making everyone they shook hands with "unclean" according to the religious law of the day.  yes, there is SO much irony there.  the people of faith were forever cleansed from sin, while the people of the written law were yapping about ceremonial uncleanness because their great-great uncle just touched them while wearing graveclothes.

to my Muslim friend Arnav, i hope he hears Aslan's roar someday, and comes to know personally the Eternal Living God who calls to him as a parent calls a child home for dinner, and who his children refer to as "Abba."  the Father you may never have known in this life is waiting for you to come home to Him.  He can take your Hell- He's been there and won.  let Him take it, and give you in exchange a white robe and peace under His loving, watchful eye where no threat stands a chance.  His victory roar is also His promise.

i hope you hear it, too.

it's  beautiful roar, as long as it's for you.

what Norman Rockwell forgot (or, the Webb FamFest 2014)

every year, there is this special day in America where we celebrate good food, all the good things we have, the bad things we don't, and the long-held family traditions.

we call it Thanksgiving.

a perfect, massive turkey with all the dressings, served from the left by a petite brunette weighing no more than 125 pounds to a manly man, head of the household as he proudly surveys his brood of perfectly behaved children, all eager to share their loving reflections of this past year and hopes for the year coming.  their hair is perfectly arranged and the china is gleaming. 

HA!

sorry- that was the Norman Rockwell poster that was probably true for one family once.  it was not our family. ever. but tell you the truth, i'm mostly okay with that.  if a picture is worth a thousand words, he captured 1,000 excellent, lovely, true words of what it means to belong to an American family.  this nation is truly blessed and i love the idea of celebrating and setting time aside solely to remember these blessings and praise the source of them all. 

i also love all the other stuff that can't fit into a painting.  what makes each family unique, what makes the best stories.  that family NR painted ain't got nothing on ours!

here's what Norman Rockwell forgot:

the full story of Turkey Day starts several hundred miles earlier, where every good American joins all the bad Americans in the craziest dance ever, all the players surrounding themselves with literal tons of metal and fly in all directions, all over the nation, going many, many miles per hour.

now, i love people.  what i DON'T love is people in cars. they are 5,000 of the 5,010 reasons I adore driving overnight.  the crazies aren't there.  they steer with one hand and with the other, they are eating, or drinking (a variety of liquids), changing radio stations, taking medications, changing clothes, shopping, video-chatting, texting, singing, screaming cuss words at the GPS, cutting nails, or slapping children in the backseat. 

funny: the telepathic mind games we play so we can edge our way in front of that Handicapped-license-plated lady in the old Ford car so we can set our cruise control and just GO.

funnier: the horrible knowledge that it does not matter what speed you set your cruise control to.  Eventually, the Handicapped lady, and the jerk in the jacked-up pickup truck are going to realize that you are "first" and that this is not "fair" and they ABSOLUTELY MUST BE IN FRONT OF YOU.  one of them will get in front of you, and then set THEIR cruise control for 2 mph less than you and refuse to go in the slower lane.

funniest: knowing that it also does not matter what state you are in, or what the sign says, be it 70, 65, 60, or 70 again.  the traffic pace does not change one whit.  you find that Handicapped lady's back bumper and stick to it.  set your cruise control to hers, and don't fight it.  

laws mean nothing when a good family vacation is at stake.  speed limits, state borders, and let's not forget our favorite: that moment when you are soaring down the middle lane of a 5-lane highway that is splitting into 2 highways, and suddenly a big ole' minivan realizes that they are one lane to your left, but they NEED TO BE IN THE FAR, FAR, RIGHT-EST LANE RIGHT NOW.  they need to stay on Interstate 40, not Interstate 81, and they ignored all the miles of signs, warning lights, GPS and Mapquest directions, backseat drivers and all the other cars who spent their time productively by safely and calmly getting into the proper lane.  NOPE.  let's just play with people's lives in our new, fun version of the Russian Roulette.

eventually, hopefully, you will arrive at the predetermined relatives' home, feeling, looking, and smelling just like you think you would, after being trapped in a metal, mobile cubicle for countless hours. good thing relatives are never stressful.  if you're in my family, you don't need to wait until The Feast before diving right on in to the arguments- we had the Pre-Feast Dinner.  Picture half a dozen people.  some with Law degrees, some with art or English degrees, some with NO degrees, all with opinions, debating huge controversial issues.  nobody in our family has an "indoor" voice.  we have 2 settings- Loud, and Louder. we all have opinions, and the presence or lack of food in our mouths doesn't change the opinion or the need to immediately share it with everyone, who is doing the same thing.  we sound like animals- we're not, i promise.  

i think just about every family that sets time aside during the year to get together has SOME sort of family tradition.  some families have the tradition of having NO tradition, but for some reason it's those traditions that draw them together even if they seem to do the opposite. 

for example: we used to have no other tradition besides just getting together every Thanksgiving.  one year, my athletically inclined uncle said "hey- this is a fabulous time on a fabulous day with some fabulous weather-let's go on a fabulous walk together." so we did, and at least 2 of us had a truly fabulous experience.

the next year, he said "hey- this is a fabulous day with some fabulous weather, so let's continue our fabulous tradition of a Thanksgiving Walk."  yeah- they pulled out the Tradition word.  the siblings and i looked at each other, saying "what is this 'tradition' that you speak of?" but we all went anyway.

you see what just happened there? yeah- see, now it WAS A TRADITION.

and because breaking traditions in our family is like sacrilege, it is now decreed that every Thanksgiving, our family goes on our annual Walk. 

i just need to share this moment from our Walk this year, which was about as miserable as possible.  one sister that i drove 800 miles to see busted her knee, so she, sadly, couldn't come. poor thing.  the other sister had a baby to feed, and the grandparents weren't up to it, and neither was the aunt.  family politics were suddenly a huge deal, and i convinced my brother to come (either because he loves me, or is a complete sucker for my Sad Puppy Dog Face) so i'd have someone to talk to.  then strategy came into play and we changed the speed of our walking to position ourselves with the "right" relatives, as all those relatives were doing the exact same thing. don't deny it- EVERY family does this, in some form or fashion.

well, sometimes the Weather Pixies don't really care about your family traditions, which is why smart people check the weather forecast to see whether it is compatible with these traditions so dear to our hearts. 

we didn't.  nobody checked the forecast.  but daggum, we were going on that Walk!! 

which started with a steep uphill climb.

then it started raining. 

then my hands went numb.

then the family members caught on to our pace and tried to catch up. 

then we were all miserable and turned around early. Joel and I power-walked/jogged back as fast as we could, which wasn't too fast because i'd donated blood a day before and was bent over double- but still way faster than anyone else because this was the worst Thanksgiving Walk ever, and i was on the verge of a breakdown by the time we sloshed, soaking wet, back indoors after almost 4 miles of rain, cold, and avoiding each other in the sneakiest manner possible.

this of course, leads up to the actual holiday part.  we all borrow clothes, throw the wet ones in the dryer, and scatter all over the house into the groups of people that will cause the least amount of stress, to talk politics, watch movies, play blocks with the baby and toddler, take pictures, take naps, or help prepare The Feast. i am so good at dumping and smashing ingredients together.  i should get a medal.  Aunt Kathy gets The Bird ready to go and I lay claim to that left drumstick.  4 hours later the feast is spread.  4 minutes after that- carnage. i was somehow the second to last person to go through line, but i did get the drumstick.  because we got all the fighting out of our systems, between last night and the Walk, we get down to the serious business of eating.  that's what Thanksgiving is for, right?  well, we take this quite seriously, and happen to be excellent at eating. we are stuffed before the food is quite gone, but somehow manage to take care of those desserts, too.

a while ago, Jackson was blessed to host a couple of our Brazilian  translators as they were visiting the US for a while and decide to bop on up for a few days.  a favorite moment while discussing the cultural differences was their facial expressions as we tried to explain a good ole' American Thanksgiving weekend, which isn't over until

BLACK FRIDAY.

America at its finest, folks.  word of advice: DON'T STAND NEAR THOSE KITCHEN APPLIANCES, or you WILL get mowed down by that overzealous grandmother tearing through the store to get her greedy hands on the last crockpot on sale.  i mean, it's not like Thanksgiving is all about celebrating all the good things we have or anything… oh wait.  take that family picture before bed Thursday, because come Friday 3 am, we as a general public, devolve into stark-raving mad lunatics.  the idea that people have actually DIED by being trampled by the masses still astounds me.

but there are a few things that Rockwell managed to capture.  the aprons, bobby pins and ancient clothing fashion trends are gone, but the feelings he painted are timeless.

like, that family that is so easy to take for granted- they're there.  sometimes that's good, and sometimes you just have to laugh, knowing that one day you'll look back and be thankful that memory is so far past.  the Walk is one of those.  i love how it was during that exact timeframe, when my fingernails were legit blue and my shirt soaked, that 3 of my favorite extra-familial people called or texted to check in on me.  one real-time selfie answered all their questions.  but they were there for me, too, just like family of a different sort, and part of what we celebrate even if the celebrating appears to be lost in all the chaos. and i got a lot to celebrate.

i got sister time- long, late hours of it.  i got brother time- short and brief, but still there.  i will get, soon, my own personal copy of The Webb Family Picture, which is another tradition, and another moment to laugh about- later.  much, much later.  i got moments with some pretty great people that i haven't seen in ages, and even a few more pictures for proof that we were in the same place at the same time! i got 20+ hours of driving time, time spent singing loudly for nobody to hear, time spend to pray, time spent just to be quiet, still, breathe.  i got Pilot coffee.  i got to relive memories of some of my favorite people ever who now live all up and down I-40, as i passed their towns and cities.

we're all pretty good at complaining, but i gotta say we do know how to celebrate the good things, and maybe once i've recovered from the Walk in about a year, i'll once more join those crazies barreling down I-40 to do this all over again.

to remember- the good, the bad/weird/confusing/embarrassing.  to celebrate- freedom, family (all kinds of family, not just biological), food (stay away from my drumstick).  

i'll be the one hugging that old handicapped, speed-demon lady's bumper.