the sad sage

i had the great privilege the other day to join my fiancé in an atypical conversation with a deist who i'm willing to bet has a very high IQ. before the server had even brought the bread and salad i was roped into the discussion the guys had going before we met up: the origin and potential end of the universe. umm, yeah. by the arrival of the steaks, we could add quarks, black holes, spirits, the apocalypse, the purpose of man, the exclusivity of Christianity vs hinduism, the crusades, scientific theory, the similarities and differences between the major world religions, and the weird tesseract-like layer of pure energy enveloping the sun that supposedly could power the world for like, a billion-jillion years. [and also whether or not nik copied my order because he realized my choice of steak was superior, or if he really had independently decided on the exact same meal. i hold the former, he the latter.]  because we weren't done with the discussion, we split a massively unhealthy dessert so we could finish talking…exactly where we began, but so full of food that i couldn't slouch and breathe at the same time.

 

and while it was a true privilege, i walked (or rather, waddled) out of the restaurant fighting off waves of frustration- and wonder, oddly enough. it's been a hot minute since i've met a person who not only believes in nothing that can't be explained a mathematical formula, but who also doesn't care at all. he gets the physical world. he thinks he has a grasp on the world religions. computer code? nailed it. steve jobs? stephen hawking? loves 'em. but for himself, life is a giant shrug. does he have purpose? eh, probs. *shrug*. is there something not strictly physical about a person? dunno. *shrug*.  what does he think about the possibility of eternity, and what that could mean for him? huh. guess i'll find out when i get there. *shrug*. he's content to focus on his career right now and worry about the afterlife later. he's got places to go and good things to do now.

 

a rising number of individuals from this generation have embraced this sort of thinking, though. take this friend's thought process, add some eastern-style clothing and a yoga mat, and you've got just enough religion to make these busy people feel safe without inconveniencing them with concepts like absolute Truth. i mean, if all these super-spiritual ideas come from old, dead, bald guys with single names- like, "confusious" and "ghandi" and "buddha," it must be wise enough to live by, right?  it all sounds 100% legit… until you process what you're being told.  

 

i've got a scratch-off poster of 100 really cool books to read ("cool" here applicable only for major nerds).  it includes everything from harry potter to the time machine to the origin of the species to the fireman to watership down. 

 

***bunny trail: harry potter- loved the series of wholesome, family-oriented characters with a wonderful moral compass, leaders worth following, and followers who know the value of friendship, loyalty, honesty and respect. time machine- amusing and fun. the origin of the species- darwin seems to think if he uses enough science words then most everyone would rather accept the theory than be bothered to suffer through more than a chapter or two. he's not wrong. the fireman- the absolute worst book to read during a global pandemic that kills people almost at random, causing most of society to shut down, about a global pandemic that kills people almost at random, causing most of society to shut down (the cool part being that instead of coughing, the victims of this pandemic spontaneously combust). watership down- bunnies galore. it's like a hug for the soul. read this one.***

 

with my library book app charged up, i began one that sounded fascinating- mahatma ghandi's "my experiments with truth"- his autobiography. i love hearing from leaders of other cultures and countries, especially ones who project wisdom, justice and some level of spirituality.

i was too far in to quit (and determined to complete the scratch off poster), but i wish i could have. it's depressing. for all his wisdom, justice and spirituality, after 300+ pages there is only one "truth" that ghandi was hardcore, dead-set, steadfastly sure of in this life. wanna know what it is? vegetarianism. i wish so bad i were lying.

 

is there a God? well, there's some kind of god/life force in all of us; this force has no name or specific characteristics, but it definitely/probably hears prayers and keeps me from temptation to eat meat or even drink milk.

which exclusive religion is true? eh, they're all true; i shall teach all my friends' kids to follow whatever god/life force they want, to be hard-working, and to not eat meat or even drink milk.

what "is" good or bad, or right or wrong? being mean to any living thing is bad and wrong; therefore i shall be good and right by never eating meat or milk. and also most grains. and spices. and eggs.  i shall eat bananas and walnuts all my days.

is there an afterlife? i sure hope so. even more days to eat bananas and walnuts.

 

this man who was so kind and respectful and honest to a fault never finds the truth he's looking for. he spouted words, phrases, ideas from the Bible and hindu teachings… but seemed to contradict both faiths; he wouldn't go for hinduism because he frankly didn't know anything about it, and he shied away from Christianity because it was boring. really. that was his reason. but since he was kind and respectful and honest and vegetarian, he has earned his place as a role model, leader, sage.

i feel it is worth actually saying that in many ways, he was indeed a role model, leader and sage. he gave his life to improving race relations, easing the suffering of the mistreated lower classes, feeding the hungry, educating the poor, giving them a voice in their country's government, practicing self-control in all things, and holding himself to very high moral standards. he was probably the first, and also last, truly honest lawyer who actually didn't lie to, for, or about any judge, witness or other lawyer. he promoted freedom of religion, openly (yet respectfully) spoke out against horribly unjust government practices, and led by example in all things.

 

but he never found truth.

he never reached the point of "satyagraha" (reliance on/pursuit of truth) where he felt he was pure enough. he prayed to "God," but was fully convinced that "there is no God but Truth." and he was still searching for it. his fasting hadn't helped. his impressive legal practices hadn't helped. his long list of excellent, kind, noble, peaceful, (vegetarian), generous, wise deeds… hadn't helped. 

 

what kills me, and what made me want to stop reading was when i saw just how close he was to the true Truth.  about 2/3 through his book, i read this:

 

"i hold today the opinion as i held then. to my mind the life of a lamb is no less precious than that of a human being. i should be unwilling to take the life of a lamb for the sake of the human body. i hold that, the more helpless a creature, the more entitled it is to protection by man from the cruelty of man. but he who has not qualified himself for such service is unable to afford to it any protection. i must go through more self-purification and sacrifice before i can hope to save these lambs from this unholy sacrifice. today i think i must die pining for this self-purification and sacrifice. it is my constant prayer that there may be born on earth some great spirit, man or woman, fired with divine pity, who will deliver us from this heinous sin, save the lives of the innocent creatures, and purify the temple."

 

and he did. ghandi died still pining for the Lamb who gave His life freely- it wasn’t taken- in order to not just purify the Temple, but to purify us and make US the new Temple. we have been delivered from every heinous sin, because God in His unfathomable, divine, "reckless" love caused to be born on earth that Holy Deliverer Jesus Christ. He didn't save innocent creatures, because innocent creatures have no need of saving. "Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners, of whom i am the foremost" (1 Timothy 1:15). we are sinners, whose even "tiniest" of sins is an affront to God's holiness and incompatible with His character. perfection simply cannot be with even a slight imperfection without becoming itself imperfect. no matter how much ghandi (or you, or i) fasts or how little he lies, or how much he donates to the poor, he will never be perfect and thus literally cannot be in the presence of a perfect God. only a perfect sacrifice can make that possible. and that sacrifice is Jesus.

 

ghandi's prayer had already been answered, and ghandi refused to believe it.

the absolute worst part is that ghandi has now spent 72 years of atoning for his lack of perfection- and he still has an eternity. he will never be perfect enough to save even a little lamb, much less himself or another human.

in the world's opinion, if there is a heaven, then ghandi is definitely there and probably has one of the biggest mansions of all.

however, one thing ghandi got (mostly) right was that God is Truth. and the truth is that those who are not delivered from their heinous sins by the Lamb must themselves pay the penalty, which is eternal separation from God.

that's where ghandi is right now- he's in hell. that's where all the self-sufficient "nice people" who did "good" things are- they are in hell.

that's where my newest acquaintance will go if he chooses to continue his current plan of walking into eternity with zero concern. he will go to hell.

 

i made it to the end of the book, at last.

and if you are reading this, you made it to the end of this post.

i learned quite a bit from ghandi, but i hope somehow i'm not the only one.  my prayer is that his life and message might compel someone to find what the sad sage never did. if it's my new friend, or you, or your friend- whoever it is who finds the Truth will be blessed indeed.

i just said the "C" word... (Coffee Corner Conversations, episode 3)

so i ran into yet another creeper, who just left a few minutes ago.

i PROMISE this one has a good ending!!

i'm pretty sure this buddy needs help. of multiple types, intensities and flavors.

if each of his needs were a color, Picasso could just go crazy on a canvas and he'd wind up with a fairly accurate visual rendering of this guy's mentality.

after seeing "Arnav" greet me and then leave, this guy immediately lit into him, dubbed him a "creeper," and dove headfirst straight into his view of personalities, the reason so many people are mean and "unhappy," his confusion as to why i didn't see Arnav as creepy, and how he came to his enlightened philosophy based on his broad expanse of learning.  because he doesn't work ("it makes people unhappy," he said... because this piece of work is such a charmer, right? 'not' working isn't really workin' for him)

i told him, using very short sentences and zero eye contact that this man was a doctor, i have known/seen/spoken to him a few times over several months, that i work in a hospital and have seen the whole spectrum of personalities, and that i know a creeper when i see one.

i did not say "I SEE ONE RIGHT NOW" although this was clearer than Saran wrap before the man even opened his mouth to the coffee girl at the counter.

i did not ask for a conversation.

i did not imply my desire to continue talking through action, thought, or word.

...but he asked why i disagreed.

and my favorite thing to do with that question is to answer it. 

and the short answer to why i'm not unhappy, and love my job, and don't see the immediate connection between joy and money like he does….

well the short answer uses the "C" word.

i simply stated that i have lived most of my life as a non-Christian, but now live it as a Christian, and that has made all the difference.

that's all it took-that one, little "C" word.

this dude… oh, Mylanta!…

with him doing most of the talking, not stopping to let me have a word in, barely stopping to breathe- we uncovered his whole philosophical view, his perspective on religion, how religion ("and faith", he added, after i objected to his non-differentiation) caused 9-11-01, how Republicans caused every other evil under the sun (he doesn't work, remember- it makes people unhappy), and somehow he managed to work in just about every common cuss word in the English vocabulary multiple times. 

this took a remarkably short amount of time.  probably because his brain was running short on oxygen… i question how long his cerebrum has been in this state, to be honest. like i said: "Picasso."

he even grabbed my Bible and said he was gonna disprove my religion using a verse in Isaiah (which he never found) as he avoided the question i asked (like, how often he's read the Bible/how much knowledge he has concerning Jesus) and kept jabbering away, mocking me and my inability to keep up with him and his objections and that the questions "would only get harder- come on, now, sweetheart!"  

BunnyTrail: to all his fellow creepers out there, feel free to never call me sweetheart.  like, ever.  don't do it.  or i may have to punch you in the face, in the spirit of Christian love and charity of course.

it was at this point that i told him to just write down every contradiction he knew of in the Bible, hoping that would keep him occupied for a bit.

because he was actually becoming overly excited, with a nearly aggressive physical behavior and a raised voice. 

he went outside to get his list- apparently he had one already prepared.

at this point, the coffee girl leaned over the counter where i was sitting and asked if he was bothering me, that he came frequently and that she was concerned.  she told two other employees or managers and i explained to all three of them my past experience with Creeper #1, and that what had irritated this one was that i had told him i was a Christian...and that if he didn't back off soon that they should feel free to intervene. it really did seem that he was ready to chill out and back down- and while Jesus said a lot about love, He also said to "be wise as serpents, and harmless as doves." 

modern-day translation: be nice, yes, but please don't be stupid. 

so the four of us agreed to watch each other's backs.  since 2 of them had headsets and were across the store but both staying in direct line of sight from me and each other, it kinda felt like we had a covert op going on. 

my hands were literally shaking as i awaited his return.  i prayed with my eyes on the door.  the only verses that came to mind charged me to "be ready, in season and out of season," and also to not fear or plan out wordy arguments because words would be given me as i needed them.

Creeper #2 had a change of heart during his long absence, returned, and calmly apologized for his behavior.  he said he'd had too much coffee and got excited about his belief system.

(excited?  dude, if you hadn't calmed down or had taken one step closer i was gonna call my cop buddy and file another report!)

and then he sat down again.

and then he kept talking, but in a much more relaxed manner.

and coffee girl even sat down for a couple minutes- whether because she was keeping an immediate eye on us or because she was interested, i don't know.

but i delivered to him the same question i delivered to Creeper #1… and yet again, he was unable to answer it.

if the closest to religion he can come is Buddhism,

if there is no God,

no afterlife,

if evolution is an actual fact,

if humans are nothing more than highly evolved monkeys…

who cares, and WHY CARE?

well, the "obvious" "answer" is that being "nice" is "better" than being "mean."

the problem is that evolution leaves you with diddly-squat. all those words in quotation marks have no basis, no meaning, no justification with no God.  there IS no standard of right or wrong.  there IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG IF THERE IS NO GOD.

the means of Darwin's great evolution theory is what he termed "survival of the fittest."  the strong surviving.  the weak dying. the "good" traits reproducing and the "bad" ones weeded out of the gene pool.

well, in human terms, this means that the big bullies should be rewarded, not put in time-out.

the gun owners should walk into a bank, take the money and spend it frivolously on whatever makes them happy.

the Homeowners Association reps should totally just take out their neighbors and anyone else they don't like or think is a "worse" gardener than they are.

the smart people should overcome the dummies.

the strong men should take advantage of the women.

the poor should go die…

we should ignore Nepal's earthquake, Chile's volcano, abortion, sick babies, the AIDS crisis in Africa.

that's what evolution leaves you with. if you have trouble reading those statements, it's because you have an eternal soul that recognizes there is something "off" there.

he fidgeted and squirmed, started many sentences and finished none of them, tried to save face- and did a pretty good job of it- but realized neither of us could change the other's mind, gathered his huge stack of magazines and books proclaiming the liberty of an atheistic and cuss-word-filled life and left. 

after i politely refused to give him my name, he got a little offended and then refused my two book suggestions i had written down on a post-it note.  if i "won't give my name to a 'creeper,' he can't accept any information from a brainwashed crazy."  i forget the actual word he used instead of "crazy," but the rest of that quote is verbatim.

i told him i'd pray for him. 

"i know you like to have the last word but… don't bother," was his emphatic retort.

"you can't stop me." i replied with a smile.  i think we left on good terms as he laughed at my sense of humor and smile, called me sweetheart again, and departed. i hope so, because eventually he's gonna find the post-it note in between two of his books... i really do like having the last word!!! :P

i don't think even in liberal, anti-religion New York i have encountered someone so immediately offended at my faith.  someone so hostile they respond with anger, scorn, and language that would make any high schooler proud.  

and even legitimately concerned as i was -(for anyone within hearing range of this guy, for me being cornered in my chair, … for his own sanity- literally…)   - i was glad. 

i was glad that through this experience, i was able to tell 4 more people that I was a Christian.  that i had legitimate concerns with the questions evolution can't answer and that faith can.  that there is one humble person in a Captain America t-shirt and jeans who is not afraid to say the truth and face the questions hurled back.  even if i can't whip out the perfect answer in PowerPoint format and 3 Bible references to prove each slide.  i'm not CS Lewis or Ravi Zacharias, after all.  

i'm just me.  but i do have the Truth and i will tell anyone who asks.  it's not like i've never been cussed out before, or never had the same questions they do, or am ashamed of who i am now.

and that by gum, that panicked prayer i threw up to Heaven worked. whether he swallowed a Xanax from his car or if the Holy Spirit intervened directly- either way, he came back into the store a changed person, and i can only hope now that he left changed, too. however many brain cells he spends questioning his value system, he and a couple employees here hopefully have a couple things to think about now. 

so do i. 

this is nowhere near the post i had planned on writing.  in my perfect little universe, that conversation would never happened. the store manager is probably wishing it hadn't happened, too.

which is why i have a big, perfect God who runs the big universe,  and who has an answer - IS the Answer- to every hurting, questioning, angry soul out there.

i'm so glad i'm a ["C" word]!!!

"i can't today"

i told myself "i can't today.

i'm stuffed with burger and ice cream sundae.

i don't have the strength; i'm not in the mood

to run in a gym full of gross sweaty dudes.

one more piece of my life just withered away,

crying 'cause i don't even know how to pray."

the frigid trip there is at least half of the pain-

if you've done it before, you can do it again.

all the old rules, of course, still apply:

you keep on running til you can no longer cry.

plug in the iPod, let the songs be your prayer.

whip out the sweat rag, pull back the hair.

chase your reflection each tenth of a mile,

every step, every breath one more reason to smile.

the sweat  and the tears soon you can't tell apart,

and you feel the shirt vibrate as fast as your heart.

let go of the cares-they're just weighing you down.

ignore the hair frizz, that undignified crown.

don't stop to assess, take a break or a drink.

there's more in you than you could hope, wish or think.

find it and haul it out- put it to use.

it's oh-so-much stronger than Gatorade juice.

the Spirit that prays when you can't on your own

is the one who won't ever just leave you alone;

He holds you together and gives your feet wings,

who looks down from heaven and over us sings.

we've all got our "treadmill" that laughs in our face

when we're fresh out of strength, patience, hope, faith and grace.

whatever the trial, no matter its size,

the victory's coming- run after the prize.

if you've told yourself you "just can't" today,

get up on the treadmill now anyway.

i'm 1000% sure you'll be totally okay-

and you might accidentally run a 5K :)