a lament for Orlando

ugh.

i just really feel the need to tell the world that i have a sinus infection.

it's hard enough for me to think some things through, but when you've got gelatinous boogers twanging on all your brain cells, it really does something to things like cerebral functioning, temperament and personal tissue preferences.  there are some thing you just shouldn't get store brand when you are sick.  1-ply (anything)= hatred. 

our mission team to Brazil hadn't even made it past Washington DC before every tv in the airport was throwing us a barrage of updates and opinions and news conference clips regarding the latest massacre, this time in Orlando.

i had feared this very thing- the transition between a week of seeing what God is doing in other countries and in the lives of our friends (and ourselves)… and coming back to America, where things like politics, work drama, societal obligations, errands and the cat all compete for my attention.  

and then i went to a Bible study.

after a great dinner, we sat around an irregularly shaped coffee table and opened our notebooks, clicked our pens and flipped our Bibles to the… saddest and most depressing and mournful book EVER.

Lamentations, man.  Lamentations.  

it is exactly what it sounds like.  it is a collection of the prophet's (historically, and therefore here, Jeremiah's) laments.  his whines. his groans. his poetically penned complaints. no, really- every chapter is written as an alphabetic acrostic. he's got skill, even in grief.

you might say, like i have before, "why on earth?"  why would that ever be included in the Bible?  why was he so frickin' upset? why didn't God tell him to hush up?

and also, "why should i care? how can that ever make me feel better?"

here's why.  just bear with me and my snot-saturated brain for a bit.

here's the layout of this situation that was all up in Jeremiah's face:

he was a part of the nation of Israel, which had for all practical purposes split into Israel (10-ish tribes) and Judah  (1-ish tribes, depending on land, of which the Levites didn't get any, and also the fact that Ephraim and Manasseh were both from the same son of Israel. yeah, i know.  there's really 13 tribes, but one of the 12 sons got a double share, and then one son inherited the priesthood instead of land, so everything shakes out alright). 

anyway, ALL the tribes had… failed.  epically.  this was the origin of the "you had ONE job!!" line.  their ONE JOB was to show how great their God was.  they didn't even have to "do" much.  HE WAS RIGHT THERE.  LITERALLY. PHYSICALLY. VISIBLY. RIGHT. THERE. every nation had seen and heard and wondered at the HUGE things this "Yahweh" was doing. there was a temple where His presence resided, 24/7.  seriously, all the Jews had to do was point.

every time they forgot Him, He gave another gracious reminder of His eternal, all-powerful presence.  then they were good for about 6 months.  possibly a generation, if they were truly impressed.

He made a covenant with them.  "follow these rules, be different from the pagans, and I will love, cherish, protect, bless, multiply, thrill, fulfill you. break the covenant, and I will punish you."

they agreed.

then they forgot. 

then they flat-out ditched Him.  turned their backs on the Deity that brought them through fire and water, and started praying to carved rocks and chiseled wooden pillars.

the One thing that set them apart as a people was the one thing they spurned.  they looked across to the Moabites and Amorites and Ammonites and Hittites and Hivites and Philistines (and yes, they sound like congested people named them all)- and they said, "eh- that's not so bad. it's just a little different. no way would God really have a problem with me doing this."

enter the prophets.

this tiny little subset of Jews were called individually to alert their fellow men of the coming danger.

because God did, and does care.  it's not ultimately about the "things" the people were doing.  it's simply because He is HOLY. He is so much greater and better and stronger and more perfect than our minds can fathom that He can not be around sin, much the same way that light simply cannot ever coexist around darkness.  even a little candle will shatter gloom.  the very nature of light, or holiness, is such that it is forever separated from darkness, or unrighteousness. it's why He made that covenant.  it's why He made the sacrificial system and a non-deadly way for His chosen people to come near Him, live in His presence, speak to Him "as a man speak to his friend" like Moses. it's why He said, "don't be like them" - because they were… they were evil, folks. evil. before you blame God for taking out those nations, research "Molech"-just not during lunch.  and every time His people chose evil over Him, He patiently waited, He nudged, He reminded, He spoke through prophets- everything to get their attention first.  He did everything before punishing- if that's not love, i don't know what is.

well, they didn't listen to Jeremiah, just like they didn't listen to any of the other prophets.

and because God is holy and just and always keeps every single promise, He held to the covenant.  He left His temple. and punishment came.

and Jeremiah wept.

this is not the "oh boy, this hurts" crying.

this is the hopeless, despairing, pain-beyond-words-or-tears-or-breath crying. 

the armies were coming.  the cities were under siege. the chosen people were literally starving to the point of cannibalism. and they still chose to seek favor and help from their carved rocks and chiseled wooden pillars, rather than receive the forgiveness freely offered by God through the prophets. 

guys, i was convicted. and this ain't the germs talkin'.

working through such a depressing 22 verses hurt. it still does.  if my throat weren't sore, i might be weeping right now.

this nation- my nation- has forgotten and rejected God as surely as Israel did all those thousands of years ago.  i know America isn't God's chosen people, but even His Church within America seems to be floundering a bit.  our ONE JOB is to display God and His love, mercy, justice, forgiveness, power, glory… His HOLINESS. i need to be as broken as Jeremiah over the state of this country and what it is costing our souls. i am surrounded by lost, hurting, spiritually confused people and i... i have been called by God to be a witness. and i have failed.  i have retreated.  i have caved to pressure.  and now i see judgement on its way, and i should be weeping a whole lot more than i have been.

the thing with the prophets, and God's judgements, and all that stuff nobody likes to talk about it that it is just impossible to have a true concept of His holiness and a warped concept of sin.  they go hand in hand.  to minimize one is to minimize the other.  you can't take God seriously and in the next breath say, "my sin's not so bad."  because sin is a direct affront to His holiness.  more than that, to wave off sin is to show straight-up contempt for Jesus' sacrifice.  the epitome of love, mercy, grace, justice, humility, perfection- and sinners blow it off.  "my sin's not so bad; thanks for the gesture, Jesus, but i'm a pretty decent person and i don't need your sacrifice."  when we itemize sin, when we compare ourselves, when we apply our own standards to ourselves and hold it up to God like it's some great accomplishment...all of it...all of it takes the camera off God and focuses on us.  try as we might, our souls are never gonna be a pretty picture apart from Christ. we've deluded ourselves into thinking we can dress up the outside and be okay.

i have heard many times that a main deterrent to Christianity is that while Jesus and His teachings are pleasant, God and His punishments-particularly of the ancient non-Israelite nations- are simply intolerable.  they shout "God is love" as if they really understood that phrase and stalk off in anger.  could you appreciate a God who didn't take Himself seriously, who didn't punish wrong, who broke His word and was so small and weak that human brains could completely understand Him? no, really- think about that for a sec before you answer. they ignore the atrocities those people were committing, in flagrant disobedience to God, and say Love wouldn't punish it. God IS Love- but His perfect Love is included as a part of His majestic HOLY character.

they, just like the ancient Israelites, have forgotten His holiness. we as Christians have snuck into the background and hidden from these hard questions because we don't always know the answers- we have forgotten, too.

it hasn't happened overnight.  the Jews didn't collectively wake up one Tuesday and say, "Hey- here's an idea.  let's ask that Asherah pole for some rain, good crops and many many children."  but what was once "wrong" became "weird." before too long, "weird" became "different." soon after, "different" turned into "acceptable/normal/okay/celebrated".

but unlike Jeremiah, we aren't weeping.  we've become callused to words like "abortion" or "Obama" or…

or "lie" and "pride" and "gossip" and oh yes, i just said all that.

we've downsized our "little" sins. we've blamed those who struggle with the "big" sins.  we've got them all ranked and ordered, so we know just how upset we should be. 

the problem is that ALL OF THIS takes our focus off God.  if we were doing our job and upholding His holiness, i think several things would happen.

-we would recognize that our sins are every bit as bad as anyone's from Orlando, whether inside the club or outside. murderer, hater, liar, thief, gay, glutton, abuser, gossip/slanderer...if you sped on your way to work, you broke the law.  if you can't even handle state laws, how on earth do you reckon you're just fine with God's laws? quit calling a wicked gunman "God's judgement on gays" unless you're ready for God's judgement on your sin, too.  NO!! just no. man, that makes me so mad- i almost feel like my fever's coming back.  STOP IT!!

-we Christians would recognize our part in America, and that we share some of the blame for these atrocious sins happening every day across the nation while we creep back into our tiny little comfort zones and block it out. we need to speak out, fight evil, uphold righteousness, be involved in this country and do more than we are to represent Christ.

-we would get over our pride and reach out. reach out to everyone. even if 99% of the ones you reach out to choose to remain trapped in their blindness, if you hold that flame up someone might just see their way to the path leading to eternal Life. BE THE CHURCH.  the Church is the Holy Spirit's dwelling place, the arms and feet and eyes and heart of Jesus.  BE THAT. not the loudmouths who so full of anger and pride that they can't recognize the hurting souls all around them.

-we would weep.  we would weep for our families, our friends, our coworkers and our neighbors who don't/can't/won't see God and His truth.  we would weep for our LGBT community and the sin committed against them.  yes, i think that lifestyle is wrong and outside God's will, but God is lovingly waiting for them, not targeting them.  no, God was not caught off-guard by the massacre; even though it was wrong, it is a part of God's plan that uses people's evil to show His contrasting holiness.

because the whole point of the Gospel is that because of God's holiness and our utter inability to perfectly maintain His standards, there was a Plan already in motion.  He wants to be with us.  He wants us to love Him. so He took a "risk" a gave us free will to follow… or to flop.

God knew we'd flop.  He knew that sheep and goat sacrifices were not a long-term solution to our daily sins.  so to maintain His holiness, keep His covenant and punish sin- but ALSO to not destroy the objects of His affection (that's us, people)- He sent Jesus. 

those who accept His sacrifice are forgiven.  that's it.  clean slate. there is no "ranking" of sinners or penance to be paid.

those who refuse it will take the punishment themselves.  the Jews got a taste of it- the temple forsaken by God, they were left alone and destitute. hopeless and without anyone to even hear their parched cries. 

the Gospel is a word of hope, however.

even though the critics, and many Christians… and i… forget, even something as tragic as a massacre is not outside God's plan.  His greatest victories often come through the most troubling of crises.  our lack of understanding does not negate His omnipotence,  or His ability to turn the whole situation around for good.  this is a dark time for us, for our nation and specifically now for our LGBT community. we as Christians ARE GOD'S TEMPLE that is not forsaken, the visible presence of God- and we have ONE JOB.  let's do it! let's fall down and weep with those who weep.  let's proclaim the news of hope like Jeremiah.  let's hold up a flame and light the way to the Cross, where His holiness is fully satisfied, were darkness disappears, where Hope is eternal and where all God's chosen people find the comfort, love, forgiveness and peace that can only come from Him.

1 am theology (when my trump card trumps Trump's)

i'd like to go on record here and say that i do not consider myself an authority on anything at all.

maybe at work, i can answer questions and explain bilirubin and IV fluids and labs and feeding schedules to parents, but even there i am surrounded by decades of nursing experience that far exceeds my own.

so i take this seriously- at least as seriously as i can- especially because of the timing on a few of these conversations i've had. 

the most recent one was last night, as a nurse that i respect and love and look up to for many reasons, just asked my opinion on this YouTube video.  it was a curiosity question, and i highly doubt she thought i would make it all the way through this 1 hour, 2 minute and 13 second recorded conversation. she was a trigger for the "2 am theology" post some months back, too.  i need to watch out for her ;)

she would freak if she knew that i was listening to it again right now.

my soul is laughing right now.  mostly funnily, but also dear-me-i-hope-not-ly.  i will admit that things about it have nagged at me WAY more than they should have.  i say this here, because i'm now proofreading and i feel SO MUCH BETTER now that i've typed this all out once, made it through to the second, better half of this post and am now at peace with this mess.  if i've piqued your curiosity enough, keep reading.  if you can't hear the name Donald Trump without crying or puking, skip to the " *^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^" down a ways ;)

i'm even embarrassed to say which YouTube video this is- that's how weird this is.

but i'm going to- for a few reasons.

1) there *could be* nuggets of truth hidden in there.  i have found vague hints, and i've only put a few hours of my life into this

2) i am very much not an expert on anything related to politics.  i would love input (except for a reminder on how much time i've probably wasted on this endeavor - i am fully aware)

3) if you should watch any part of this, just the first few seconds just might make it all worthwhile.  i nearly died laughing at the first image, and the humor has sustained me for many hours already.  please, click on this link if ONLY to see this image:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tqwFWD_Htfo

okay good.  now close that tab and delete it from your browser history.

so here are two parts to this post.  the first are questions or concerns i have regarding this, and the overall political landscape that have supposedly come as a "word from God" to this guy Mark Taylor.

the second is what i've been thinking, learning and hearing about concerning what i know beyond doubt is a word from God that came to a guy named Jeremiah.

because i'm hoping like fury you did NOT listen to the whole hour-plus-long thing, i'll summarize.  if you DID listen, and i got it wrong, please let me know…. mostly so i can judge you for listening to it, just like i'm judging myself right now.

basically, this man was told he had an angel assigned to him, to reveal truth.  then he received a "prophecy" that:

1) Donald Trump (i know… i know…) was "anointed" by God,

2) that he would be the next president and would win by a landslide

3) he would restore America to its former greatness and would "return what was stolen" and restore it sevenfold,  the dollar would be stronger than ever, 

4) that the evil people worldwide would "quake and shake" because they'd know they'd been found out, to which the Holy Spirit says, "Ha! no one shall stop what I have started", and finally

5) several other confusing and convoluted things.

he is absolutely sure that this is a word from God because:

1) this prophecy, which came on April 28 2011, is related to both WWII and the Kentucky Derby.  "Gonna Have Another" won 2 out of 3 in 2011.  this is because God decided His people weren't ready, said "Oops-let's just wait a few years" and worked in this horse into the Plan instead.

1b- the horse Secretariat is a symbol of the end-times church. it's winning of the Triple Crown would be the sign for the Church to arise.

in 2015, American Pharoah won the Triple Crown- on D-Day.  that's when God told this man to "re-write" Eisenhower's D-Day speech and address it to the "Lord's Army."

i wish so badly i were kidding.  those few of you who listened to this, that pain you are feeling is also mine.  there is not enough alcohol and Excedrin in this great state of Tennessee to wash it away.  the coffee and pecan roll from Panera is helping, though.

2) because he's done such an excellent job of exposing the corruption in the government. this is him "splitting the kingdom of evil wide open." (my first thought here: yes, everybody is corrupt.  nobody "exposed" his own corruption, because it's so blatantly obvious.  he flaunts it to the world and acts proud of it.)

3) even though religious people accuse Trump of being "mean", well, Jesus called people names, too.  [personal note: this hurt me.  comparing Trump to Jesus hurt me. part of me hopes i'm not dancing on the line of blasphemy by saying anything about Jesus He wouldn't want me to, even if i don't believe it to be true…]

4) every time people attack him, his poll numbers go up and their ratings go down.  this is God saying, "this is a warning shot; do not touch My anointed." which is why, just like Judas Iscariot hung himself, Cruz and Rubio exposed their flaws and had to drop out.  (my first thought: ummm, woah. again… comparing Trump to Jesus.  i want to cry- not sarcastically.  i want to cry. truthfully, my soul is cringing within me.)

5) this prophesying man has been isolated from the entire world for a decade because of a thyroid and hormone imbalance.

oh yeah.  he said that.  you just have to wait to the end for that tidbit.

according to this prophecy, America is NOT under judgement, only its systems (political, financial, immigration, the New World Order, etc).  America is going to see a mass exodus of evil, scheming, liberals and be full instead of Christians, so that God can use this country as a launching place for the end-times harvest of seeds.

and Trump is God's anointed for bringing all this about.  his wall is going to boot out those lousy immigrants and establish the border, which, as the show host suddenly thought of- is because of that Bible verse where God establishes boundaries.  CLEARLY, God wants Trump to build this racist wall and preserve "His country's" border. (my first thought:  Trump is PART OF THAT financial system that is under judgement…

second thought: just no.  so much no. this wall idea needs to die a quick but painful death)

here are a few of my concerns.

1) the Holy Spirit does not say, "Ha!"

He just doesn't.  the idea that God would re-work His entire plan only after realizing His people were just not quite ready is simply not true.  i do not care who you are.  i do not care about your budget or your credentials.  you. can't. stop. God Almighty.  yes, our actions do matter and they do change circumstances, but God is outside time and has everything planned- even your future mistakes.  don't think the Holy Spirit has to think up comebacks like, "Ha!"  (yes, that is a quote from this man quoting the words of his "prophecy"). 

2) this ethnocentric worldview screams of a misguided theology that too many people share.

America is NOT "God's chosen people."  America is NOT the last Christian country.  America is NOT the Promised Land. America is probably NOT about to waltz into its greatest time ever.  those who hope so are, i think, about to be super-duper disappointed.  these "seeds" that this guy speaks of Trump re-harvesting and bringing back to America?- yeah, he's talking directly about money.  MONEY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE END-TIMES HARVEST.  OH MY FLAMING WORD, AND A THOUSAND TIMES NO. 

America has done good things in this world. very great things. 

but God's chosen people are those who have put their faith in him.  we are indeed chosen to continue His work, but not as "America." God doesn't see His people according to our man-made geographical lines, and evidence from worldwide Christ-followers indicates that God is moving and multiplying His people a jillion times faster in almost every other nation than in America.  God's harvest is going to be priceless souls- priceless because their cost is the very life of Jesus Christ, which He paid to break the unbreakable curse and save the un-save-able. 

"Our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Son, Who has been made perfect forever." in the world, but not of it, folks. please stop equating America with heaven on earth.

3) the harvest is not necessarily something to look forward to- it is a warning to be continually aware of. it is a call to action, and urgent mission with eternal consequences.  the harvest means the sickle is coming.  the sickle cuts down the wheat.  then the wheat is beaten out- the grain to the storehouse, the chaff to the fire.  the end-times harvest refers to souls- saved ones to Heaven, lost ones to eternal fire and condemnation.  to be thinking about the value of the paper dollar instead of the eternal destiny of millions… well, frankly that disturbs and disgusts me. i can't believe anyone would reduce this all-important command from God to a flippant promise of money coming our way.

4) this guy has been isolated from all of society for a decade.

yes, i am returning to that.

there are valid health conditions, debilitating ones, that require some isolation.  this one?  i seriously think that he needs therapy.  a different kind than what he's getting.  if all this is coming from what he sees from the media, even religious media, and from his own interpretations from the Bible and not from a pastor or church body or a properly medicated body/mind, then i have to question this. 

5) the Devil is the best deceiver ever. in fact, it's one of his most popular nicknames.

this Mark backed up his validity as a prophet by saying God has also revealed to him a specific date of a probable terrorist attack… but i guess didn't feel confident enough to tell us what that day is- only that he's "working with some people" and that God's people need to start praying that God thwarts it. 

this stinks of deception and (i think) pride/self-glory. 

6) the implications of this "prophecy" are contradictory to what i feel God is saying in other ways.

if it is true that God has anointed Trump to be His tool in America, then it seems that God would be telling us to vote for him in November.

HOWEVER:

every Bible verse that has anything to do with politics tell us as Christians what to look for, support and vote for in our leaders (both spiritual and political).  none of those verses suggest that i should support hypocrites or bullies or racists or open liars or those who disrespect [everyone] and cheat on their wives or worship money and show no concern for vulnerable lives and the helpless and poor that this country was founded to welcome and free and comfort.

i don't think my vote should be wrestled away from me in the name of "the lesser of two evils."  regardless of electoral votes and percentages, my vote says something about what i believe to be true.  i don't think Trump is true.  i don't think i can rightly vote for him.  i do not judge anyone who does- at least not as an alternate to Hillary Clinton.

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2016/march-web-only/should-christians-vote-for-lesser-of-two-evils.html?&visit_source=facebook )

i'm so sorry to put you through all of that.

but i really had to vent and throw all that out there, because it really has been on my mind since i first heard it.  it has interrupted sleep and distracted me so much i'll never get anything done until i post this.  typing it out usually helps me process, and posting it not only increases my internet presence but also means that someone out there may be able to offer insight that i lack, give a different perspective and correct me when i am wrong (i hope you feel free to do so- i welcome it and need it).  i didn't even get to mention the part where they talk about Nebuchadnezzar's vision of a cross to "conquer under" and his stopping of Christian persecution… (there weren't Christians back then…)- which not even Google has a response to.

but i already was mentally writing a post in my head, and this fit too perfectly with it.  and rather than spend a whole post talking about Trump (because seriously, i am not ready to hospitalize myself again) i decided to make one really long post and be done with it. 

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

recent decisions from this country's current "commander in chief" have already rocked the religious minority, and even led our pastor, and then our LifeGroup leader, to deviate from their teaching plans yesterday.  if you go to my church, you would clearly see just how big a deal that is.   Obama's illegal and insulting and...godless… decree regarding bathrooms and gender identity and his lofty opinion of his authority are alarming. serious reflection, prayer and action from His people (not "Americans", "HIS PEOPLE" within America) are necessary. 

but even more necessary is the message we received yesterday.

these words are from God.  I know this.

they came from another isolated man- one distanced from the world not because of an untreated medical/psychological condition but because of the unmistakable call of God upon his life to go out into the world and call everyone who would listen to repent before the coming judgement. 

his name was Jeremiah.

instead of promising wealth and prosperity immediately in the future, he promised a coming judgement.  he very clearly stated why this punishment was coming, and then he also gave explicit instructions to follow, for anyone who wished to survive the advancing army horde of pagan Babylonians.  it involved surrendering openly, willingly going into captivity and then settling down. 

because they were going to be there for a while.

it was to their benefit that they accept this and make do.  live their lives. become involved in the society they were placed in.  build houses. get jobs.  raise families.  all in the knowledge that the land they were in was not their permanent home and that they should always look ahead to their restoration.

this was not a popular message, not even with the attached promise that is on almost every refrigerator door magnet in the South: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will hear you. you will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart.  I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I have sent you into exile." Jeremiah 29: 11-14 ESV.

regarding Trump, and Obama, the parallel seems clear to me, as are the glaring differences  to this Mark guys' "prophecy."  yes, God used "changes" to work His will and His plan may seem to have changed- but humans didn't thwart it.

His people are His, no matter what modern-day nation they dwell in.  American national boundaries have nothing to do with it, and no "i'm gonna build a wall.  a big wall" threat is going to… just no.  forget the wall already!!  please!!!  gaaaaahhhh! 

we are in a type of exile now… yes, even American Christians.  this land is our wilderness, our temporary captivity, makeshift camp.  we'll be gathered, yes, but not to this desert-  to a land flowing with mercy and holiness.

His people are His, no matter what society is doing around us.  we are called to be active in the places He's put us, to be praying for those leading us (guilty… so, so guilty) and to be proclaiming God's truth, even when we are faced with opposition and ridicule- which is a given.

His people are His, no matter what comes our way. it will likely be tribulation and persecution that will bring His people back to HIM (not "America"- GOD!!!), not money.  the Church's most dramatic growth is occurring in the most anti-Jesus atmospheres.  Nebuchadnezzar was not exactly the most humble of emperors, and Babylon is not where we would think of planting a Baptist conference center.  but God knew that this would be the place where His people would "re-find" Him as he refined them. 

the "prophets" who came along and declared that Jeremiah was a liar… didn't fare too well.  they were false.  they spoke just what the rebellious Israelites wanted to hear, and tacked the Lord's name on it.  they willingly deceived the people (though they asked for it, and then got it).

and then they died. 

and not peacefully. 

the Devil used false prophets to lull people into a false sense of security.  those who were unaware, or just plain spiritually lazy, fell for it because someone told them "God told me."

my security is not in the shaky electoral process or any physical thing.

my security is solely in the rock-solid Jesus.  and He's given us hundreds of pages of His written revelations that tell us all we need to know right now. 

His people are His, no matter what.

there is a promise of hope and the best Day IS indeed coming. it's even better and far more glorious than anything this world could dream up.

instead of the twisting and writhing my spirit did (twice, now,) listening to YouTube (don't even think about reading the comments underneath….), i was filled with peace, hearing eternal words of Truth.  God is not worried in the least about who is about to become elected.  He knows and it's already part of His plan.  

Obama may have "a pen and a phone" and a failing grade in human biology and genetics, but God has a throne. 

Trump has YouTube.

i have a Savior.  and free access to Him 24/7- even when the internet is down.

i look forward happily, not towards November, but even farther ahead to the day when all His true people are gathered from the nations, kneeling together around that throne and celebrating our Eternal King, the Lord of Hosts, the Almighty, the Always and Forever Alpha and Omega.  when every true prophecy is fulfilled and every last soul harvested.  when our Promised Land isn't a promise anymore but a reality. 

Amen, and come quickly, Jesus! 

En-hakkore, and 999 more

most of the (tiny) readership and many beyond have been informed and updated regarding my most recent medical scare.

the one person in our church who hadn't been just bumped into me at Panera, so now he's all caught up as well. the one time i needed my main communicator to communicate, he decided not to. (you had one job, Mr James- one job!). HIPPA is so proud.

despite everyone else's better judgement, i felt an intense desire to go to church this sunday.  i knew for my emotional health that i desperately needed fellowship. so 36 hours after discharge from the hospital i returned to my normal pew and just listened to the choir for a final rehearsal and sound check.  i love being able to sing the songs twice; once just isn't enough for some of the classics.

and that's when the biggest wave of guilt rushed up and soaked me, head to toe.  i knew it was coming.  i knew it was deserved.  and i think i know at least some of what i need to do about it now.  open my big ole' mouth.

my devotions have picked up pace a tad, and after dragging through hundreds of Old Covenant laws and the establishment of Israel's theocracy, i am now into the period of the judges.  this is the point where every "good" Christians does the "facepalm" and eye roll at every page.  several times, you can't even read a single page without seeing YET AGAIN the Israelites forget the God who saved them and turn to poles and statues and animals- before falling again into war and disease and fear. then a judge would arise, deliver God's people through his faith in God and God's instruction and grace… and then the judge would die.  it's the "lather, rise, repeat" cycle on every bottle of shampoo. over and over again. 

and then you realize you're no better, and quite possibly worse.

i've had all manner of drama in my past. a lot of it i've been able to block from memory. a lot of it i have not.

but the fact remains that i am still here.  none of the past hundred attempts to take me out has succeeded.  damaged me, yes.  hurt, heck yes. confused, angered, exhausted me- oh, definitely.  but didn't kill me.

tuesday morning at 0800, all i knew was that something was wrong and i didn't feel so hot. 

and hour after that, and for a day following, all i knew was that i had "a mass."  there was "a mass" of unknown etiology in my pelvis. 

it could be "only" a crazy-huge infection.  but it could be a tumor.  there could be meds, therapies, surgeries, medical equipment i've never seen before and life-threatening procedures in my immediate future.  i walked into a doctor's office with a stone entryway, each rock engraved with a doctor's name- every one of them said "oncologist."

my prayer life did a 180-degree turn.  that's when the fear set in. in just a few hours, i went from being a confident NeoICU nurse to a nervous,  shift-change admit patient that every nurse complains about.

i think i did a pretty good job of keeping my mentors and closest friends and family updated.  one of them emailed the sunday school group, someone said something wednesday night at Bible study, and i had a half-decent internet signal to keep facebook peeps informed.

i am ashamed to say what happened inside me, though.  outwardly, i kept up appearances.  i smiled and joked as much as i could.  i helped with the admission form and IV when it beeped.  i took showers and wore my comfortable street clothes as much as i could, staying out of the bed during the day and eating what, and when, i was able.  i never shed a single tear.

i kept up as much as possible with my devotionals, but my enthusiasm for the cities and landmarks of the 12 tribes' boundaries waned to near zero.  i didn't care.  part of me was tired.  all of me was angry and confused and freaked out so badly my hair was about to frizz. i didn't know what to pray.

so i didn't.

i knew other people were praying, and i have seen their prayers answered. i know my prayers are so weak they seem pitiful to me.  i am not good at seeing the answers to my prayers, though i see others'.  i so often want to give up, or rush through prayer the same way i choked down Leviticus.  i hoped like fury that was "good enough."

it's not.  it's just not.

even after the crisis was over, and the pain turned out to be from an abscess and not a tumor, the relief was as crippling as the previous fear.  and i still didn't know what to say or pray.

"En-hakkore" means "The Spring of the One Who Cried Out."  good ole' Samson named that one.  he had just whipped the tails (literally) of a thousand Philistine pagans with a donkey mandible and a mean backhand serve.  after his workout he was thirsty and cranky and told God just what he thought about the situation, demanding water like he deserved it.  God answered, and water appeared out of a hole in the ground.  and Samson's tortured cry of agony turned to one of (moderately) grateful praise.  i came scary-close to a major faith crisis.  i was dry and at the end of my rope.  i cried out for an answer, any answer, but especially the better, safer, easier-to-fix answer.  and after a faithful chastisement i was met with a merciful answer of the best possible diagnosis i could hope for.  my agony and fear melted away and only an awed thankfulness was left in its place.

i sat in the pew yesterday morning and heard, twice, the words to a classic that should never, ever go out of style.

and i felt, twice, the wave of guilt wash over me.  it was followed by an even bigger wave of grace.  i left, thoroughly drenched and thoroughly determined. 

O For a thousand tongues to sing

My great Redeemer's praise!

The glories of my God and King,

The triumphs of His grace!

My gracious Master and my God,

Assist me to proclaim,

To spread through all the earth abroad

The honors of Thy name.

 Jesus! the Name that charms our fears,

That bids our sorrows cease;

'Tis music in the sinner's ears,

'Tis life, and health, and peace.

He breaks the power of cancelled sin,

He sets the prisoner free;

His blood can make the foulest clean,

His blood availed for me.

He speaks, - and, listening to his voice,

New life the dead receive;

The mournful, broken hearts rejoice;

The humble poor believe.

Hear him, ye deaf; his praise, ye dumb,

Your loosened tongues employ;

Ye blind, behold your Savior come,

And leap, ye lame, for joy.

Look unto him, ye nations; own

Your God, ye fallen race;

Look, and be saved through faith alone,

Be justified by grace.

i do not have a thousand tongues. i have but one.  and it has been silent too long. well, not silent, but not singing like it should be.  i want my "loosened tongue employed." i had old classmates and coworkers visit.  i had daily texts and messages and phone calls from friends and church members who sit waaaaaay across the sanctuary, from those i haven't heard from in months or years, parents of Cubbies.  i got pretty flowers, snack foods to appease my stupid cravings, a soft blanket that finally allowed me to rest well.  daily prayers and posts let me know i wasn't as alone as i felt. i had good nurses.  i had understanding doctors who admitted how strange the situation was, which alone indicates that God had some purpose in me being there. all this from Jesus, who put every one of those people in my life.  the same Jesus who saved Samson and those silly, rebellious Israelites remained ever faithful.

if there is a single person who read my facebook posts or texts and attributed any, ANY, of the pain relief, comfort, love, grace, retreat of the disgusting abscess of monstrous proportions,  increased tolerance of these horribly potent antibiotics--

if for one moment someone thanks the Fates, luck, some unknown Force- for ANY of that, then my tongue has failed.  my single hope is that your tongue will join mine, and that many more will join in.  if there are a thousand people, then there are hundreds of thousands of reasons to sing.  we may be out of tune.  we may not have the gusto that our choir did. we may not even know most of the reasons to sing, but we know enough of them.

Jesus told the religious elite that if His people didn't shout and sing His praise then the rocks themselves would rise up and proclaim His worth.

o, for 999 to join me in song, to silence the rocks and drink deeply from the Spring that appeases all who call upon Him, no matter how thirsty or desperate!

the song of the Rock

i've always felt a pull towards the idea of missions, especially foreign missions.  i love traveling. i love adventures. i love the sights, sounds, feels and tastes.  i simply adore the camaraderie of  serving with a team, meeting goals and needs, serving side by side fellow Christians of every nationality.  it's a small piece of heaven; i want every slice i can get.

for some reason (okay, let's call it what it is: SIN) it's always been a thousand times easier to find a stranger in a foreign land and share the Gospel than it is to grab the elbow of my neighbor and share this mind-blowingly good news. 

it's Easter, friends.  this week our extended family members all over the world are celebrating the climax of Christianity.  this is it!  Easter weekend is the single reason we all have hope, love, a future, a family, forgiveness.  the TOMB is EMPTY! THAT ROCK MOVED, FOLKS!! if ever there was a time to celebrate life, it's now.  if ever there was an opportunity to share Christ that was handed to you on a silver, diamond-studded platter, it's now.

it's also the time when the whole nation is "sharing" and "liking" posts, making new hashtags and changing their profile pictures to the flag of Belgium.  social media is exploding with news about, and prayers for, the victims, their families, their country… OUR country, every country! the death toll rises, names are being released, and once again anyone with a trace of spirituality is praying to whatever or whoever they think might be listening.  instead of celebrating life, thousands are mourning death.

the exciting, and scary, thing about all of this is that we've gotten our cue.  we missed it-again- but we get a second (or ten thousandth) chance.

every word i read or hear about missions fills me with both hope and shame. hope at the idea of giving as much time as God allows to serving Him in a place still waiting.   shame, because… i'm surrounded by people HERE and NOW who don't know, don't care, don't know to care and live day to day waiting for a "something." and yet i, and so many Christians, live day to day with our mouths closed.  without the glamour and thrill of a passport stamp, the concept of bringing up faith, religion or an afterlife is deemed as  inappropriate and socially unacceptable. 

and yet...

and yet, there's a world out there crying out for answers and mercy.

for a hope that lasts longer than a paycheck.

for a life that is free of pain, guilt, death, gore, sickness, bullets and bombs.

for a ruler that… is not quite like any current (or past) dictator, king or president.

we have it.  we have all of that.

because we have HIM.

HE is it.  our Hope that "enters once for all" into the true temple "not made with human hands" with a better sacrifice than all the goats and sheep in creation- Himself.

He is our Life- the source of all Life, and the way to a Life that will never end and that makes this earthly life as pale and transient as morning fog.

He is the Ruler that will never be unjust, protects all His own and whose term in office never ends.  no currency except faith.  no taxes except joyful praise. no end at all, except of sin and all its consequences. 

this is the song that never ends; it just goes on and on, my friends! it started just outside an empty hole in the ground, and will continue for all eternity, growing ever louder as we all join our voices.

we have it- all of it.

not only that, but we also have a direct order from our Ruler to bring as many others into this Kingdom as possible. He hears these cries, and has told us to show them the Answer.

the ancient Jews celebrated the Passover every single year, to serve as a reminder of their salvation.  they were even told how to share the meaning of their festival, so they would be prepared with an answer every time someone asked them what on earth they were doing.

as great as that holiday was… we celebrate the best of all Passovers- the final one, where our Lamb paid the final price and paved the way to God Himself, open to all who accept it.  we also each have an answer, a testimony, a true drama, a personal story to share every single time someone asks us what on earth we are doing.

i promise you this- you will honk some people off.  they will tell you that are an idiot, and worse.  they will tell you to shut up. they may end friendships, cost you business, hurt deeply.  your story may mean nothing to whoever you are talking to. Jesus Himself was told off by the  "religious elite." His answer: if the people won't, the rocks will.  the Good News will not be silenced.  it WILL be told- the only difference is the "how."  i haven't done my part.  i want to start- before my garden border stones start singing and put me to ultimate shame.

but i also promise that there is someone in your immediate vicinity that will hear and respond.  whether or not you ever hear about it, someone is broken and in desperate need of a Healer.  you knowing or taking credit is soooo not the point.  the personal cost is also not the point. whatever cost to you, Christ's was eternally greater. take a leap of faith and have your answer ready. there is nobody less worthy of the Gospel than you; there is nobody more worthy of the Gospel than any ISIS leader.  everyone needs to hear. and if we don't share, the rocks themselves will instead.  please don't give them our job. it's our time to rise up together and share Easter joy!

if you remember the point in your life when the message finally sunk in,  let that give you the strength to be that joy to someone else. 

let this Easter be a vivid reminder of what is at stake.   let His hope fill you with both joy and courage.  make this the best Easter of your life, and the first true Easter for someone else.  silence those rocks-ready, set, go!

a flick of the wrist and a fling of the Rock

i don't really want to sound more spiritual than you, but…

i actually HAVE a prayer closet.

and it's IN A CLOSET.  i know- it's pretty fab.

even more fab, i had this idea before War Room came out. 

since last summer when there was a change in roommates, there was necessarily a change in the room situation as well.  so i moved across the house into the master bed that had a bathroom the same size as my previous bedroom as well as a walk-in closet that i could actually walk into, turn around in, put all my stuff and still have space left over by the window for my "secret" little prayer corner. 

the past few months this has been something of a refuge for me.  there's a super comfy chair that is tiny but is both soft and supportive for my back.  there's a ridiculously soft blanket that the cat loves almost as much as me.  there's a bedside table just the right size and height for a Bible, notebook, pens, devotional and a little candle stand, for those particularly rough devo times when i just need some mood lighting and calming fragrance.  the newest addition to my area is a bulletin board with pens, pins and fun colors of paper to write down prayer requests, Bible verses and hymns.  yeah… i need a bigger board already.

outside my prayer closet, i have a real life.  one that has been kicking my tail the past weeks and months.  circumstances have been flung well outside my wingspan.  Type A people do not like this.  no, sir, not at all!  we do not like it, Sam I Am!!  but again and again i have noticed how those whispers i grasp for in the prayer closet reach me across town when i'm not ready. 

this week,  tuesday was spent doing some serious wigging out, along with working through some deep stuff with other seriously cool brains.  it concluded with flipping through some tv channels where we happened upon ABC's showing of "Of Kings and Prophets"- featuring the one and only David, son of Jesse. 

first impression: was that part… or that part… ever in the Bible?

second impression: woah- *THAT* was NOT in the Bible!!!!!!!!!!

just like last week, wednesday came right after tuesday and the Cubbies' next lesson was…. David and Goliath!! 

i think the fact that i'd been up all day and was operating solely with the aid of coffee was a saving grace, because my hyperactivity finally matched that of the 15 pre-K kids.  so we got our pictures colored, we said our verse -("Psalm 56:11 In God i trust, i shall not be afraid; what can man do to me?"), - we got everybody's height measured on the wall and sang the Cubby Song with great vim and vigor before sitting down to hear one of the most widely-known Bible stories of all time. we reviewed last week's lesson- David's anointing- before diving in to the tale of a young (but strapping, good looking, and nice) guy and his simple faith that takes on a vicious giant of mind-blowing proportions.

every day for over a month he'd stand on a hill facing the Israelite campfires and holler.  he'd just mock them, taunt them, humiliate them, slander them.  he'd tell them exactly what he though about them, their mothers and their God.  their God that nobody could see, hovered over some fancy box in a tent, and obviously didn't care enough to stop the conceited bragging of the Philistine.  the Cubbies stared wide-eyed at the paper where their heights and names were written, then a few feet above that where the teacher's names and heights were… and then where the wall met the ceiling- which is where Goliath's shoulders would have been.  they laughed when they heard about how Goliath was teasing the Israelite's God, calling him "stupid" and "weak" and "powerless."  really, it was just because i said the word stupid.  there is actually a Hebrew word for "stupid" and i forget what it is- but the point is that in those days,  the winning army "proved" that they had the superior deity.  Goliath had probably never lost any fight since he was out of diapers. he was the Chuck Norris of the ancient world, minus any sense of humility or human decency or deodorant; clearly their god was better.

umm, the Philistines worshipped a fish.  

his name was dagon.  i can't even capitalize that horrid, blasphemous name.

i was impressed that the kids listened this far to a story we all knew so well.  but after all the taunts and teases, the climax had finally arrived:

a handsome young shepherd stepped up, fresh from the fields, slingshot in hand.  the bestest ever part of this story is that the battle was won before the boy so much as twitched his slingshot hand.  with just a word, he announced his imminent victory. 

the kids finished his sentences, each time growing in excitement and volume:

"i don't need a sword, because i have-"

God!

"i don't need a shield, because i have-"

GOD!

"i don't need armor, or big strong muscles, or a physique of mammoth dimensions, because i have-"

GOD!!!!!!

with that, a flick of the wrist and a fling of a rock, Goliath fell down dead and that foul mouth never uttered another evil word.

growing up, i'd always heard this story explained something like this: David trusted in God and thus was able to defeat the giant facing him.  if you trust in God, you can also defeat your giant.

sounds great, until you actually have a giant.

Jesus and a very, very few other people know about the particular giant i'm facing now.  this giant has been coming against me every day for years, but it's been shouting extra loud the past month or so. it's big, and ugly and not really a fair fighter. 

all the dodgeballs are on his side. 

most of my players are on the DL.

none of the odds are in my favor.  whatever inning or down or quarter or half we're in, i'm exhausted.

i don't even have a slingshot (and if i did, it would be useless to me.  useless).

just over 3 years ago, our church started using a new LifeGroup curriculum for all the kids' classes.  instead of isolating each Bible story and yanking moral lessons out of them, it teaches the Bible as one progressive story, drawing together the pieces and unifying them.  by taking a step back and seeing the One Story as a whole, it is possible to see that there is really only One main character, and that each individual piece is about Him, too. His story starts even before creation, not with the manger. He is the main character in every chapter and verse.

by rethinking and rephrasing the story of David and Goliath, you instead get an explanation that is a bit more like this:

you are not David.

you're just not. sorry.

you're one of the ragtag Israelite soldiers, huddling with David's older brothers in their tent, crying like little girls at the hopeless situation and wondering if deliverance from the unbeatable foe could ever be possible.

ha ha!  you probably don't think that sounds better, do you?  it is.

because of who IS playing the part of David. you ready?  it's Jesus!

just in the nick of time, a humble Shepherd steps forward and ever-so quietly and calmly tells His terrified brethren that if God has stuck with Him through the past trials, God will certainly be with Him through this. His desert temptations and persecutions weren't for nothing- they were for this moment.  He sees the giant in its appropriate dimensions.  He's sized up the problem and can clearly see that the Immortal, Invisible, God only Wise is going to win and save His people. He is the victory.  not us. 

He is the Word that shouts his promised victory to every compass direction.

He is the Rock that is always right on target.

He is the unexpected hero that fits zero of their ideas of a proper champion, yet accomplishes the insurmountable task while the "soldiers" were about to wet their loincloths from terror. 

i don't know about you, but i find great comfort in knowing that i can retreat to the safety of my prayer closet and let my Anointed Shepherd take this fight.  His aim is much better.