watch out, Crowe: old guy with a hammer coming through!

but now the world in general has moved on. it has washed its hands of anything spiritual that it calmly tolerates between Thanksgiving and New Year's, and is now free to focus on itself and the fulfillment of every temporal desire.   except if it takes too much effort.  heaven forbid we work too hard to keep all those vain promises we made to ourselves two weeks ago. i already see myself "editing" my goals for this year, and i know in about 3 weeks the gyms are going to be much less crowded, fast food restaurants will have more business and credit card debts will just keep going up as budgets (caloric and monetary) are abandoned by the wayside and promises broken, even the ones recycled from last year's New Year's.  the general response is to repeat the plan and wait 12 months to fail again. i'l doing good just to keep the clutter under control!

for some reason, it's only on the busiest days when i have the least spare time that i go into over-achiever mode and tear through the to-do list like a rabid porcupine. (bunny trail: i've never seen a rabid porcupine, nor any porcupine at all in the vicinity of a to-do list). i usually start in the master bath/closet, work my way through the bedroom and then the living room/dining room before tackling the kitchen.  it usually doesn't even take too long, as i time myself by episodes of Friends, which serves both as a timer and a mood-elevator, keeping things perky while i scrub, move, fold, organize, put away, hide, shove, burn, demolish…. 

BUT ANYWAY.

the past two months i've been covering for the Cubbies' lead teacher, and i have had a blast with the crowd of 4 year olds.  this past month surrounding Christmas we have been learning about Noah, the unit theme being "God Keeps His Promises."  and while Noah's story only takes up a couple paragraphs of Scripture, the other several thousand pages of the Bible teach us not only about so many other promises that God keeps, but also what our response should be.  the Christian life is a two-way thing,  which is great because that's just how i love to teach these lil' charmers!  it just so happens that the promises He made to Noah come along with an absolutely epic story that serves as a perfect segue to even bigger and bolder promises, and bigger and bolder responses.

did i mention that i was an over-achiever?

for a 4-year old, a summary of our lesson would look like this:

we are sinners- but so was Noah.

He promised to punish sin, because He is holy and perfect and completely just to do so… just like He promised the flood to punish the evil

He also promised to send a Savior, just like He promised to rescue Noah and his family, unworthy and sinful though they were.

and He promised to keep us safe if we trust in Him like Noah did. 

i totally got this- i can keep on going, but i think you get the point ;)

and every single one of these, and His other, promises are completely true.

"God keeps His promises" are 4 short words that are easy enough to get a pre-K child to say, but harder than it seems to get an adult to believe and respond rightly to.

if i were in Noah's neighborhood, i can't say for certain that i wouldn't have been one of the evil guys laughing at the crazy nut-job building a gigantic boat in the middle of arid wilderness.   they thought he was stupid. they literally thought the guy had lost it.

the kids just laughed because their teacher said the word "stupid."  

but for up to a hundred years, Noah was the idiot farmer/gardener-turned-shipbuilder who they probably thought was either dehydrated or intoxicated.

can you imagine believing a promise like that for a hundred years?  we can't even trust ourselves to exercise regularly for a month or two, but Noah had enough faith to trust an unpopular Deity's unpopular promise, even though it required a career change, personality change, reputation change and logistics out the wazoo.  the Noah that woke up that crazy day was NOT the same Noah that went to bed that night.  i'm having fun right now, imagining their family conversation over dinner, as Noah tries to casually bring up the subject of impending doom.

Noah: so, honey… God said He's gonna wipe out all mankind and every living being that draws breath…

Mrs Noah: say what?!?

Noah: um, yeah- but it's okay-we're not gonna die...just everybody else. God says He's going to save us!

Mrs Noah: huh.  did He, now?  and how's He going to do that?

Noah: with a boat.

Mrs Noah: a boat...

Noah: yup- A BOAT.  a big one!!

Mrs. Noah: oh good.  a 600 year old farmer's building us a boat.  we're doomed.

but build it he did.  and it's so much cooler than any joke of a movie about this faith champ. (at least Russell Crowe remembered to include a boat, even if he forgot EVERYTHING else).

God made a promise, Noah believed it, and he knew that his response could only be to pick up that hammer and start working.  he drafted his sons, he found many, many gopher trees, i don't know what educational material he had access to but he found something, and he went hammering away.  he tuned out the jokes and whistles from the bored, evil bystanders.  he smiled and replaced the vandalism and sabotage from the evil teenagers.  he used the evil junkmail as blueprint. i'm thinking that as the project turned into a reality, he came to regret every joke or harsh word he'd ever said about his evil mother-in-law or evil neighbor or evil politician. every board he sawed was a reminder of God's coming judgement on everybody he knew- and also his own salvation.  if they'd have asked, i bet he would have negotiated with God to give some animal's room to a repentant friend (do we really need opossums?  could we let them float and take the Smith family with us instead?)

but then it was done. 

the blazing hot sun shone down on the ark- that giant monument to insane faith- drying the last layer of tar sealant. door hinges greased. window panes set. cages secured, feeding troughs in place. the "work" was done; everything else was just cosmetic, so Mrs Noah was captain over that team.  so much hard work, so many blisters and sunburns, pulled muscles, strained finances.  turning that last calendar page must have felt surreal as the deadline date circled in red approached.

the hardest part for a motivated, Type A, task do-er is to stop.  yes, Noah built the ark, but then he had to put the hammer down.  either the boat was gonna float or it wasn’t.  either God was gonna keep His promise or He wasn't.

the first part of Noah's response involved a lot of splinters and sweat. 

that was the easy part.

the second part-the harder part- was simply to keep trusting the promise he'd gotten so long ago. no splinters… probably still some sweating involved, though.

even though i have fun, i sweat and stew all the time about all this work i do so far outside my actual career path. i'll laugh, i'll sing, i'll distribute stale goldfish liberally to any child that asks, but part of me is constantly freaking out-   about things entirely outside my control and realm of responsibility, no less.  first part of my response to God is to tell others by teaching: the easy part. second part: letting God grow the seeds and reach these small minds and hearts, not so much.

despite my sit-still-and-just-trust issues, God sends moments like sparkling gems when i need them.  tonight was a gem; i hope i keep this ruby around forever. 

Avery, Olivia and Charlotte wanted to read fairy tale books instead.

Sean was out of sorts and adjusting to a new baby brother.

James is everyone's friend and wanted to catch up on all the news.

Rebecca had a boo-boo and wanted a doctor (not a "nurse," whatever that is) to look at it immediately (the only doctor around was the gym teacher, and he's a urologist).

Graham is the self-appointed captain/ringleader/director and knew the Bible story anyway (he's the PK, of course he does) and would rather confirm with me the details on snack time or whisper in Isabel's ear.

nobody was overly intent on listening- or at least looking like they were listening.

but right at the end of story time when we were discussing other promises God has made, a wee little voice piped up from a normally bouncy, rambunctious child and said, "i wonder why God had to punish Jesus."

amen and hallelujah.

well, child, let me break it down for you!

God promised Adam, and Eve, and Noah and us that He would punish sin, right?  *little heads nod yes*

Jesus never sinned, did He? *little heads shake no*

raise your hand if you're a sinner *all the little hands go up*

raise your hand if you like being punished for breaking rules *aaaaaallll the little hands go back down, except for Micah's who has already exceeded his attention span and wasn't listening*

God promised He would send someone to save us, didn't He?

it's Jesus, kids.  it's Jesus. 

Jesus told God that He would take our punishment, so that we wouldn't have to.

if you ask them if that's a "thumbs up" or "thumbs down" thing, you'll really get them confused- because it's both good and bad...but mostly good.  kinda like Noah's situation. judgement= bad, salvation= good.

Promise first, then response.  Jesus kept His promise, and our response tonight was a prayer of heartfelt thankfulness, telling our blue-vested  children again that God promised to hear our prayers even though their big trusting eyes couldn't physically see Him.

and the kid that you always have the hardest time patiently corralling is the one who shows you at just the right time that God also promised to protect us and the kids, from floods and control-freak teachers alike. 

i'll tell a Bible story to the best of my ability, but then it's time for me to "put down the hammer" like Noah and just let God do the rest of the teaching. the cleaning rampage can wait. i'm not done learning by any means.  there's a pile of promises to sit down on, and centuries' worth of rainbows overhead to remind us that "God Keeps His Promises." i hope i learn to listen and trust more like a Pre-K, and that you are able to take a breath and rest with me; there's more than enough room for us all here on this pile. 

the impossible snowflake

it's snowing now.  it was 50 degrees yesterday, but by gum it's snowing today!  welcome to tennessee!

it was raining when i began the errands, sunny when i picked my sister up, raining while we binge-watched Jack Bauer and then snowing when we had to be responsible and part ways. 

i still am torn on the theory that no two snowflakes are exactly the same- i feel like there's gotta be some sort of conditional statement, but maybe not.  part of me thinks that as soon as someone spat that one out, all his scientist friends were like, "thank goodness- now we can stop checking for duplicates."  at last they were able to move on to more important things.  

all i know is that until a very bored person disproves the theory, i'm okay with going along with it.

the past few weeks have been something less than a smooth ride for me.  not my fave.  i've only had two...or three… breakdowns witnessed by other people.  am i getting better or what?!?

the burden was great enough that i felt the intense need to have the prayer support of multiple friends and so i appealed to the social media networks and was met with an overabundance of replies.  i was humbled by the numerous responses and friends who followed up with me later- and all this without me even saying what the prayer request was about! 

the first part of the trial has passed; the next, and longer, part is going to start once i kick myself into action again, rather than stopping in between.  i'm not quite "scared," but i'm more than "nervous."  i'll settle for  "disheartened."  i'm tired.  i'm worn.  i'm not exactly full of hope regarding this particular concern.

but even so, just a few days ago i met with a trusted friend/adviser who is "in the know," and for the first time in a bazillion ages i was able to say, "yeah, i'm exhausted...but maybe a little bit hopeful, too...maybe?"  even just working through the ins and outs of a knotty problem at least put some perspective on it.  it was just as large, or larger, than i had considered, but at least it had some parameters now.

with that and the prayers, i felt some of the weight lift, and even running on less sleep than i'd have liked i waltzed into work for a 12+ hour shift treasuring this small seedling on hope. 

during one of those hours i was bringing some labwork to the front of the unit to be sent out and processed, and i stopped to smile at the whiteboard stating the date, the charge nurse, a welcome to the NICU...and featuring what was clearly supposed to be a snowflake.  a completely impossible snowflake. 

an 8-sided snowflake.

i can't help it.  i'm a homeschool veteran…. i did well by not ever mentioning it until now.  and to be fair, it's a hundred times easier to draw 8- than 6-sided anythings.

but there it was- the happiest octagonal snowflake, not even realizing that there really be no snowflake like it, ever. and there never has been. 

i want to hold on to this impossible bit of hope for as long as i can.  even once i start moving again down this bumpy, twisty road, even when i trip and faceplant on a sidewalk.  this hope that seemed just as likely as an 8-sided snowflake happened. 

i am so grateful for all those who have walked down any part of this road with me, whether for a step, a mile, or around a corner.  a couple "first responders" were ones i wasn't aware still read status updates.  for whatever reason, Jesus let this one be read and let me see once again the bigness of Him through small things like facebook posts and snowflakes.

i hope the beauty of the silent flakes outside last just a while.  i'm not one to cherish frigid cold, but every one of those hexagonal miracles is (this time around) a little reminder that no matter how impossible the circumstances hope can still sprout.  and impossible hopes are the best.

with some fish on the side...

2015 is ending, which means so is my time to come up with a whole new set of resolutions to not meet in 2016!!  if you tweak it a bit, then i met one of my three goals for this year, and i'm really glad, especially since i didn't start working on it until about August, when i realized the other two just weren't realistically going to happen.  gotta pick your battles, huh?

this year was both more exciting and less fulfilling than i dreamed it would be.  from the travels to India, Brazil, Florida and North Carolina to the new nephew, new co-workers and new roommates, i've had at least one year's worth of adventure, for which i am grateful.  the parts that i wanted to have change and didn't- well, i am hoping i learn to be more grateful for them, too.

even with all the changes, one thing i don't want is to forget the good and drift back into the same old routine.  i currently don't know what else i should do, but i want to be ready for whatever big changes are in store during this new year, and not be caught off guard when Jesus shows Himself.  i already share too many character flaws with Peter.

one of my first questions when working through the last chapter in John was, of course, about my favorite fisherman Peter.  first of all, there's something awesome about the Peter-John connection.  that kind of brother love is rare, and it has always seemed to me like it's deeper than that of John and his real brother James. 

but John 21 shares a moment that feels like it belongs in a secret diary.  that may have been the first place it was written/chiseled before John shared it with all civilization.

the moment starts a couple days after Jesus comes back from the dead, just like He said He would, and shocks the sandals off His friends. 

….

and then Peter says, "let's go fishing."

really, Peter?  really?!?

his best friend, his champion, his Christ that he confessed earlier and then denied, his everything… He just came back from the dead- and Peter wants to go fishing.  it's literally less than 2 weeks later.

i can't blame him too much.  the grand epiphany hasn't happened yet, and he's still trying to figure things out.  Rome wasn't conquered, taxes are still high, the racism is still a daily topic of conversation in the marketplace along with the latest outbreak of leprosy, and Peter isn't sure how Jesus factors into the world situation yet. 

so he goes back to what he is sure about- his boat, his fish, and his best mates.

and just like several chapters previous, they catch nothing.  a whole night on the sea, and not a flipper to show for it. 

Jesus, who knows everything, shows up just as the sun does and asks if they caught any fish for breakfast. with the negative response, He gives them the same answer He gave them chapters ago- the one that makes no sense and would make any decent fisherman roll his eyes- to simply throw the net over the over side.  duh, Peter.  of course, just like chapters ago, the net is immediately filled with fish that just couldn't hop in there fast enough.

Peter still doesn't get it.  John is the one who remembers and reminds Peter, "hey- it's Jesus!" without a thought, Peter grabs his gear and jumps overboard, desperate to not be apart from Jesus for another second.

once they're all together on the seashore, they see that Jesus did not need any of their fish and he has a scrumptious breakfast already grilling on a fire.

a charcoal fire, if Peter notices.   less than a week ago, Peter was in the cold dark and warming himself by a charcoal fire, where before a handful of witnesses he adamantly denies knowing Jesus.  twice.  by the third time, he's angry and scared and cussing out loud that he's never seen Jesus. now again, Peter is sitting in the low light, cold and soaking wet and facing Jesus. 

i love how there's no judging, no yelling, no swearing or punching or slamming.  nobody other than Jesus could so gently and gracefully take out the proverbial elephant in the room. 

"Peter… do you love me?"

three times He asks.  twice Peter answers "Yeah, sure!"… by the third time, he realizes what his Friend is talking about.  and he remembers.  and so for the third time, he humbly and repentantly reaffirms his devotion to the only One worthy. 

and that's that.  Jesus makes His point, forgives His friend, and makes a second point all at once. 

without joining the scholars debating words and making points, arguments, theologies and commentaries on one or two words, i will say that my commentary did have a paragraph on Jesus's first question, "Do you love Me more than these?"  nobody is entirely sure what "more than these" means, but  given that there are fish everywhere in the story, and what Jesus says afterward, i agree with the folks saying "fish." 

as Peter is restored and forgiven, he hears his call again.  three times Jesus asks him to show his love by feeding and tending His sheep.  Jesus asks him to stop going back to the fish. 

"Follow Me." 

that's it.

"Follow Me.  yes, it's confusing and weird and unpopular. no, you don't have much idea yet how to do it.  but I gave My life for you, and I want you to be willing to give your life to Me.  Fishing is a part of your past; if you love Me more than you love fish, your career, your money, then you'll drop your nets and Follow Me."

as they walk side by side down the beach watching the sunrise, Peter takes the opportunity to ask about his best buddy John and God's plan for him. 

"Peter… none of your beeswax. Follow Me!"

i'm hoping that this will be a year where i learn better to follow Him, whatever the cost and wherever it leads.  if i love Him more than my career and image and paycheck and nursing and art and friends, then i should be willing to drop my badge and go.  i may not have disowned Him publicly, but i've made enough mistakes and opened my mouth when i shouldn't and struggled to have faith in bummer circumstances. i don't want to regress.  i don't want to give up and go back to a "safe" but Jesus-less boat if He's on the shore. i want to ditch the fish, regardless of who comes along or stays behind. i don't want to settle for a normal anything when He's out there calling me to something extraordinary. 

Welcome, 2016!!

"Jesus, please take my flamingoes..."

i'd love to say that this is my favorite time of year.

so i will- this is my favorite time of year.

and i only lied a little bit! 

parts of this time of year are my favorite, but some parts are not. i like the extra smiles that come with the holiday season.  i like how there's a special little spark inside people that prompts a giving attitude, increased generosity, reconciliation and, of course, good food and folks to share it with.

however, i do not like the cold weather, the early sunset and the impossibility of finding a good pair of jeans that fit.  guys have no idea. none at all.

i'm also not a huge fan of most family-related occasions.  being over 500 miles away from most family members means that i either get "adopted" by a church family for a day or else i sign up to work, where at least i can be with my "work family." working in a hospital means i encounter the full range of family situations on a daily basis, and as much as i dislike it i know where some of my family lies on that sliding scale of instability.  the holiday season seems to exist solely to remind me of this and makes celebrating a bit harder at times.  last week felt like an emotional workout trying to force myself to become excited.  i almost succeeded for a while!

this thanksgiving provided me and my sister an opportunity to do something we've never done before and go have an adventure in the great state of Florida.  too many other relatives had too much going on for us to get together this year, so we looked up Disney World on mapquest, loaded the car and booked it on an overnight road trip.  we photo-documented just about everything and had a fantastic time seeing what a little bit of magic and whole lot of money can build.

 

the best of what we saw, however, could never be replicated as well, no matter how far science takes us. you can commercialize however much you want, but the real eye-catchers were not made of plastic.  while "White Christmas" blared over speakers and glittery pixie dust covered the gift stores, we walked past gorgeous flowers, palm trees, ponds, rivers, animals and all kinds of people.  trained dolphins leapt 10 feet in the air, and wild manatees rested while we snorkeled over their heads buried in the mud.  a barracuda tried to make friends with me.  an evil-looking eel tried to steal my soul. a pelican almost choked to death swallowing a live fish that refused to give up. we went on a water ride BEFORE visiting the 30-degree penguin environment. we pondered why on earth flamingo/es sleep with one foot up.  and then we wondered why we had never wondered that before. for real.

bunny trail #1: lept? leapt? leaped? how many of these are correct?!? my spell-check recognizes none of them.

bunny trail #2:  plural of flamingo is...? and is this American English (which isn't either) vs. British English? and how many debates can we have over the validity of Webster's new addition of culterally made-up words like "ginormous" and "facebooking"?

coming back, i was faced again with some realities that i enjoyed being away from.  there's a dearth of Christmas music on the radio, and i could really use some James Penguin right now.  there's been some unrest in my heart and i struggled to figure it out until i got a step closer yesterday. 

it's the second week of Advent, a time of preparation and celebration in anticipation of the Hope of Nations. 

my devotions have led me to the end of John- the resurrection, Peter's restoration and call, and yet another Baptist-style fellowship by the sea.

Jesus's birth, and Jesus's resurrection.

the two biggest events in all of human history before me, and i felt empty. 

well, not empty.  i was full, but not of Christmas cheer. 

i was short-sighted; blinded by something in the way.

one of the little irritations about road trips is the frequent "ping" sound that i hear as one by one little bugs crash-land on the windshield.  driving overnight means my vision isn't obscured at all, but i still hear each one.  once the sun comes up i can see every little splotch that causes fuzzy blurs in my periphery when i focus on the road ahead.

this time, it felt like more than a bug.  this wasn't a "fuzzy blur" on my emotional windshield.  i could barely see anything.  it was bigger than a bug- more like a bird. 

and i'm not talking 'bout a little goldfinch.

by "bird" i mean a big ole' FLAMINGO.  feathers, bill, legs and wings- the whole dern thing had kamikazed down and obliterated  my entire field of vision.  i had to squint through the downy under-feathers and between knobby knees just to see the second Advent candle being lit. 

the candle of Peace. 

the confusion mounted to frustration.  i can get rid of bug-splatter with a few swipes of the wipers. 

i cannot, however, get rid of flamingo-splatter.

yes, i literally said a prayer asking Jesus to remove the flamingo.  (not out loud, you weirdo!!  good grief- i was in church!)

i felt better, not because the flamingo had moved yet, but because i knew that the Peace was still there even though i can't really see it now.  and that i knew the one who could clean up flamingo/es better than anyone. 

and also because of the mental image. i know the trip to Florida had a part in it, but still… i don't feel convicted in giving credit to the One who created flamingos in the first place for also giving me a slightly more humorous way of looking at the problem. 

through the tangle on my windshield i can see several more flamingo/es headed my way.  i'm so glad i've got Animal Control on speed dial. (i figure as long as i've got a great analogy, i should take it as far as i can!)

underneath all the wrappings and ribbons and commercialized consumerism lies a calm reality.  the truth of the season is that Hope showed up in a dirty barn- not a palace or White House or Wall Street,-during a time of uncertainty, fear, instability and hopelessness.  an unlikely hero in a less-than-resorty locale with an impossible mission. the prayer on my heart right now is that as He takes care of my flamingo/es, He will also take care of yours, that the God-made Peace and Hope of this Advent season sparkle through brighter than the man-made pixie dust (creepy how that sounds…) and that the highway ahead of you is clear.  these problems are temporary; the solution is eternal, and it's on its way and nothing can stop it. 

overcome

it's been almost a full year that i started reading through the book of John and being Type A i've determined that i must stay here until the new year.  the Type B part doesn't have any problem with this.  i've seen things i never saw before, found treasure troves in the most unexpected places, and now i'm not even sure i could move on once january does makes its appearance.

all this, plus a new year's resolution to start memorizing more, plus recent events, plus a super phone app that makes memorizing a challenge i gladly accept mean that when i need them the words are there. 

i don't pay for tv services.  so not worth it, especially when facebook is faster and just as accurate.  and free.

but overnight thousands of lives were changed in Europe, just like has happened in too many other countries, and a new tidal wave of fear, anger and grief hit the shores of America. 

suddenly, profile pictures are covered with red, white and blue stripes, hashtags light up screens and even some atheists i know are "praying for Paris." but one picture i scrolled past caught my eye because i knew the overlaying quote, and the broader context.

"But take heart; I have overcome the world."

it's like magic, isn't it?  the chapter break comes at just the right point, almost making you stop and read it again.  and again.

"But take heart.  I have overcome the world."

i have no idea who first posted that on social media or if they had any idea of the context. that quote is from Jesus.

Jesus said that.

Jesus said that as he was physically walking from the borrowed upper room to the borrowed tomb, via a garden, a jury and a cross.  Judas Iscariot had just run out on them, the other 11 completely lost in confusion.  they finished their Passover feasting and Jesus, knowing everything past, present and future suggests an evening stroll to their favorite nearby hangout spot in the Garden of Gethsemane. 

one of my favorite pastors once said that you oughta pay attention to someone's last words.  if there's any place to say what's really important, deep deep down, that you want so desperately for someone to remember, that's what you're going to say when you know the end is coming.

that's what Jesus is doing right here.  Chapters 14 through 17 are Jesus's last chance to reinforce everything vital that He's been trying to get them to understand for the past couple years.  and He's doing it quite calmly so far, given that He knows what's going on and they don't.

not a word is written here about their reactions to His discourse here, but from past chapters, i'd bet a nickel that it was pretty similar to His other bold statements: most of them sitting (or walking) in stupefied silence until Peter recovers enough to open his mouth and start rambling nonsense. 

it could be that Peter didn't really recover from this one until after Judas showed up.  i don't think i would, either. 

mostly because the majority of this section at first read is bad news. really bad.  this is Jesus's "get ready" speech.

"you've seen what they've done; you're gonna see what they're about to do...you're next. they hate Me.  they're gonna hate you. I'm leaving; you're gonna miss Me. you're going to leave Me, deny Me, desert Me.  things are bad- they're going to get worse."

four chapters of this! four chapters of bad news as they casually stroll through the darkening streets of the city crammed full of celebrating Jews.  four chapters of increasingly depressing information that is completely out of place for a festive holiday season. 

kinda like right now.

even though i'm sitting here in a Panera sipping cooling coffee out of a seasonally-decorated cup (not red…), i have been at a loss for words reading small tidbits of news as it flies over from Paris.  this, on top of what we already know from a dozen other countries.  just like Jesus promised.

in a silent show of solidarity, i am currently wearing a t-shirt with a flaming red arabic N on it. the fact does not escape me that this would get me killed in all those dozen other countries.  just like Jesus promised.

families are being torn apart.  lives are being lost.  fanatics are holding hostages, selling humans and ransacking villages in the name of their religion. just like Jesus promised.

this is probably why Jesus wasn't interrupted.  how do you respond to this? how could He say all this so calmly like He was commenting on the robe sale at the tailor's place?

it's because of what else He promised.

that He's going to make a place for you and for me- a place where He is- where we will someday be with Him forever.

that He is the Way, the Truth and the Life.  He is the visible face of the Immortal, Invisible God.

that every single prophecy about Him from the beginning of time would be fulfilled- the ones we like, and the ones we don't like or understand. 

that we would not be alone, because the Helper was coming.

that if we abide in Him, we can ask whatever we wish in His name and it will be done for us. 

that a peace is coming unlike any peace we've known before, that cannot be duplicated or forged or destroyed or stolen or erased or damaged.

that our sorrow will be turned to joy, and that this joy would overflow, and that this joy would never, ever be taken away.

that we should take heart, because He has overcome the world.

and then Jesus Christ does something that i have read dozens of times and still haven't gotten over:

He prays for us.

He prays for His disciples… and then He prays for US.

"When Jesus had spoken these words, He lifted up His eye to heaven and said, "Father the hour has come; glorify Your Son that Your Son may glorify You, since You have given Him authority over all flesh, to give eternal life to all whom You have given Him.  And this is eternal life, that they know You the One true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent. I glorified You on earth, having accomplished the work that You gave Me to do. And now, Father, glorify Me in Your presence with the glory that I had with You before the world existed.

I have manifested Your name to the people whom You gave me out of the world. Yours they were, and You gave them to Me, and they have kept Your word. Now they know that everything You have given Me is from You. For I have them the words that You gave Me, and they have received them and have come to know in truth that I came from You; and they have believed that You sent Me. I am praying for them. I am not praying for the world but for those whom You have given Me, for they are Yours.  All Mine are Yours, and Yours are Mine, and I am glorified in them. And I am no longer in the world, but they are in the world, and I am coming to You. Holy Father, keep them in Your name, which You have given Me, that they may be one, even as We are one.  While I was with them, I kept them in Your name, which You have given Me.  I have guarded them, and not one of them has been lost except the son of destruction, that the Scriptures might be fulfilled.  But now I am coming to You, and these things I speak in the world, that they may have My joy fulfilled in themselves.  I have given them Your word, and the world has hated them because they are not of the world, just as I am not of the world.  I do not ask that You take them out of the world, but that You keep them from the evil one. They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. Sanctify them in the truth; Your word is truth.  As You sent Me into the world, so I have sent them into the world.  And for their sake I consecrate Myself, that they also may be sanctified in truth.

I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in Me through their word, that they may all be one, just as You, Father, are in Me, and I in You, that they also may be in Us, so that the world may believe that You have sent Me.  the glory that You have given Me I have given to them, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that You sent Me and loved them even as You loved Me.  Father, I desire that they also, whom You have given Me, may be with Me where I am, to see My glory that You have given Me because You loved Me before the foundation of the world. O Righteous Father, even though the world does not know You, I know You, and these know that You have sent Me.  I made known to them Your name, and I will continue to make it known, that the love with which You have loved Me may be in them, and I in them."

 Jesus is literally minutes away from arrest and torture, but He takes this time to pray for us.  the Holy Trinity is having a conversation about us, and i love how the Helper nudged John and helped him write it down, after 'bringing to his remembrance all that He had spoken'.  (just like Jesus promised!)

i don't know everything that's going to happen.  we knew Islam was spreading all over Europe, that governments are closing their eyes, hearts and borders, and that the attacks will only continue as long as we do nothing.  we knew that Christianity was losing ground in this country and probably won't gain any back.

but i also know that i can't read those four chapters in John without being strangely calm.  because every prediction of heartache is met with a promise that far surpasses the trials coming our way.

we grieve this shameful nonsense occurring on a near-daily basis.  we mourn so many lives lost because they chose to follow the Way, Truth and Life.  those are my family members- my brothers and sisters- that are being murdered.  we support the victims and their loved ones any way we can.

but we do it all knowing that if those promises were kept, we can trust that ALL the promises He made are guaranteed us as well. 

we can lose heart when the task at hand dwarfs those available to help, when we see the enormous need and have so little to offer by ourselves.  when our neighbors are on the other side of the world and we don't even know how to begin the job of bearing their burdens with them.  Asia, South America, know that we are praying for you.

we take heart because the Helper is coming- has come.

we sometimes lose heart when we see each new report of torture and murder, as terrorist organizations indiscriminately wipe out pastors, farmers, wives, children, neighbors, churches, homes, entire villages as the world steps back.  Africa, Asia, know that we are praying for you.

we take heart because His hope and His healing are coming.

we'd lose heart if all we read was the newspaper.  some days you can't even read the comics without putting them down depressed.  this world is a mess. a gut-wrenching, tear-jerking mess. Europe, Syria, China, Korea, Ukraine, Russia, India, Iraq...brothers and sisters everywhere… please know we are praying for you.  we are praying that you remain steadfast, keeping your eyes on your King, your hope in your first citizenship in Heaven, your life in His hands, and your soul under His pinions.  take heart, because you are not alone- not even close to it. you have so many promises to stand on, each one a rock in the wall of protection surrounding you.

take heart- because He has overcome this world.

2 am theology

editor's note: there's a good chance i may have misunderstood, misquoted or misrepresented the perspectives or words of my companions mentioned here.  if i did so, my deepest and humblest apologies.  feel free to correct me!

***

this past week has been a killer.  worse than a killer, because actually it's been almost 2 weeks long.  and in those 1.7 weeks, i worked the equivalent of 3 weeks' worth of work.  9 shifts in 11 nights, and i'm ready for a break! 

like, for realzies.

i do not remember how this all came about because the nights have all run together in my head, but somewhere several nights ago at work a random question popped up between 2 other super-cool nurses about the end times and persecution and one of them casually asked my opinion, listened for a minute and then went back about her work.  the other nurse couldn't escape me because we were in the same area ;)  it helped immensely that she has a working knowledge of the Bible and basic Christian principles and holds to her faith, so we had a common ground- which hasn't been the case with anyone who's recently asked me a question about faith or spirituality. 

i'm not good with my spoken words.  kinda like Moses only worse, i believe. my brain turns into macaroni and cheese, my words get jumbled and lost and half the time i just give up talking altogether.

but i loved the talk anyway, which continued and ranged over several topics and hours.

the question centered on my belief in either the pre- or post-Tribulation rapture (whether i thought Christians would be called up to heaven before or after the "end times", namely the time of great evil and trials that the Bible says will happen as/just before the physical world ends)- and why.

oh boy.

oooooooh, boy!

the short answer, as of right this moment before more study, is that i am led more towards a post-tribulation rapture.  i have heard strong, and strongly-worded, cases for both sides, and several more sides that it would just take too long to think about here. i forget what my first coworker said, but the second seemed to hope that it was a pre-trib rapture.  i don't know if she has actually read, or if she only knows of, the Left Behind series- but i'm just gonna say now that i have read all of them (excepting the very last one, after Jesus comes back), and i disagree with the authors on several points.  mainly, i object to the way it seems they pick and choose prophecies from all throughout the Bible and interpret them in ways that make for a great story, but not *necessarily* the truth. 

she said first of all

1)that she's a fighter (she is- really.  i wouldn't push it ;) )and that she hoped she'd be able to stay strong against those who challenged her faith, 

2) that she honestly hadn't thought things would get as bad as they have for Christians in America so soon, and also

3) that she knows a bit more about the Old Testament than the New.

to the first point, i hope the same.  but i also know myself enough to know that i do have a breaking point and i do sometimes wonder how much i could really handle. i do concede that a lot of me hopes that i do get raptured first, or that my persecutor just whips out a gun so we can skip the whole fighting, bribing, blasphemy, physical torture and all similar trauma.  not to be glib, but to be real. i have a high pain tolerance, but … evil minds go deeper and darker than i can fathom. and there are evil, evil minds at work in this world today.

to the second point, nothing encouraging there.  sorry. because i really don't things will get better.  i really do things will get worse.  possibly faster than i think.

to the third, finally… i do think i have an answer.  and it means that i can accept the first two points and hold to the hope in the truths i see here.

for a book with so many authors and written over so many years, the Bible is a remarkably put-together read!  because really, it only has one Author and He's brilliant and He put all kinds of allusions and illustrations all over the Old Testament so that even the fishermen we read about in the New Testament were able to understand the connections.

and one of my favorite Old Testament stories is also one of the most well-known.

it's the story of the Exodus, and i think it illustrates in many ways the coming "exodus," or rapture.

back in Egypt's grand day, this guy who was admittedly not an orator but rather an exiled, rejected, simple, OLD shepherd was told by a burning scrub bush to do the impossible- rescue God's people from their 400-year long slavery. after much convincing, he agreed.

he went back to the land that had his face on wanted posters, walked up to the pharaoh (who was held to be deity to the Egyptians) and told him to give up his entire workforce, because a Voice was telling him to.  a Voice who said He was the ONLY GOD. 

now, Moses had already been told that there was going to be a struggle.  and a struggle there was.  10 seconds after that first encounter, pharaoh made the labor worse so that even the slaves hated Moses, who was genetically one of their own.

then the plagues came, each one a little worse, and (i read from a Jewish rabbi) each pointedly showing Yahweh's superiority over a different Egyptian god. 

i read about the Nile turned to blood and the plague of frogs and want to puke. 

i read about the gnats and the boils and want some benedryl and a shower. 

i read about the hail and fire and loss and resulting poverty, destruction and hunger and want to cry.

but alongside the plagues, there's a promise.  starting with the 4th (of 10) plagues, God promises that they WILL NOT TOUCH HIS PEOPLE.  hate them all you want, but not a single hailstone  or locust landed in Goshen.  search the barracks, and you will not see a boil or blemish on a Jew's face.  even the 3-day darkness that every Egyptian physically felt didn't affect those the I AM said were His.

then the final blow to the king who would call himself a god: the loss of every single first-born child in Egypt…

except those who heard and heeded Moses's warning by wiping the blood of a spotless lamb on their doorposts.

at that point, not only were the Jews let go, they were commanded to flee and sent on their way with their arms full of gold and jewels, effectively looting the mighty nation that had already lost everything else because of their impenitent hearts.

those Jews were physically present for all the plagues- but were protected for the worst, and served as an example to the Egyptians .  when the judgement was complete, His people were called out of their bondage and led to the Promised Land.

thus, the first "Passover" celebration, where God's people remember how He passed over those covered by the blood.

i think in the same way, we (meaning, "Christians living during the coming of the 'Great Tribulation' ") will be left on earth when the final judgements come.  but in Revelation, there is a point at which everyone will be marked- those who follow Jesus the Lamb being covered by His blood, and everyone else receiving the "mark of the beast."  Christians will face persecution, but those "coming out of the great tribulation" will be given white robes and a front seat in the amphitheater of martyrs praising Jesus for the rest of eternity. (see Revelation 7: 13-14, and note: it does not say "hauled out as a group before the tribulation")

before the white robes, they will be on the earth, serving as shining lights in a dark, dark world and pointing the lost to the Savior, though those with impenitent hearts will suffer for, but not turn from, their sins.

***

a New Testament parallel would be the very last Passover mentioned.

when Jesus tells His faithful few yet again that persecution will come.

this spotless Lamb was heading for that wooden crossbeam so the wrath of God would pass over those who claimed refuge under it, while the rest of the outwardly religious city was trying to destroy the I AM and set up their own religion as they wanted.

not very many verses later, all four of the Gospels tell how those faithful few run like jackrabbits as their leader is arrested by murderous scoundrels.

and Peter?… good, lively, adamantly pro-Jesus Peter?... guy with Christian bumper stickers all over his fishing boat? that Peter?!?- at the very first test of his devotion to Christ, he caves to fear and lies to save his own skin, just like Jesus said he would. 

just like i could see myself doing, if pushed too far.

and yet a few days later, the newly-risen Savior meets him again and in one of the most touching bonding moments in the history of EVER, Peter is forgiven.

redeemed, restored, refreshed.

the first to recognize Jesus as the Son of God was (essentially) the first one to face persecution, the first to face arrest and possible death for his devotion to Jesus, and the first one to fail -not even once, but 3 times- and was the first to be met with unparalleled grace and love from the One he denied.

those who are truly His are not lost.

the Blood never fails.

i don't have many answers, but i do see an awful lot of Bible verses about spiritual warfare, preparedness, promises that persecution WILL COME to any who hold fast to the name of Jesus, knowing that we are never tempted beyond what we can bear *through His strength.* and that we are also promised mercy and forgiveness for our failings, which happen when we do things *in our own strength.*

and there are just as many Bible verses about the victory coming, eternal rest in the heavenly Promised Land, and the promise that those "passed over" will not have any regrets afterwards.  the book of Revelations ends much the same way Moses's exodus does, which should give us all the hope and encouragement we need as we follow our Leader towards whatever does happen.

the sweetest swap

i love traveling.  or at least, i don't mind it too much.  which is good because the closest relative (before my sister began collage in town here) is 664 miles away, plus a time zone change, plus extra for the search for Pilot stations and detours for when they decide to shut down I-40 at midnight.

and while there's often a few hours where i fight the sleepies, the occasional overnight drive means that i have 10+ hours with no urgent phone calls, internet, tv...people… crowded roads… it's just me, my thoughts and whatever music or podcasts i care to blast.  and a ribbon of highway that goes past the horizon no matter how long i've been driving.

this most recent trip i continued one of my favorite series of podcasts by Wayne Grudem as he teaches through his giant textbook on systematic theology.  yeah, i know. but i love it.  even if there is no easy or clear answer or if i may disagree with his conclusion, i always learn a little bit more.

one of the neat things i've learned, both through this textbook and our church's curriculum, is that even through the names and circumstances change a bit, there are all kinds of images and word pictures for Jesus, from Genesis straight on through Revelation. 

and one of the strongest images shows up near the (second) beginning of the world, and is just about THE beginning of our entire faith history, when this random pagan dude named Abram gets a chance to step into the biggest story of everyone's lifetime.  he didn't know that, but he DID know that when the Voice of Truth tells you to do something, you probs should get on it, even if you're firmly planted in the Senior Citizen age group.  following Truth's lead, he turns his life upside down, does his own sort of road trip to put down root way far away, converts his philosophy, and does more of a U-turn in life than anyone i know would do just because a Voice told him to.  it must have been a convincing Voice because beyond anyone's comprehension he winds up with a kid a century younger than he is, which assures him that all the other mind-blowing promises made to him were going to come true as well. 

but then the dream turns nightmare-ish for just a bit. 

the Voice comes back, and what it says is not… not what he was hoping.  definitely not conventional, but what else has it said that didn't make some waves (literally- the Voice made the waves) that rocked some boats?

it told good ole' Abe to take the son that was promised to him… and sacrifice him up on a mountaintop.  the kind of sacrifice you can't go back on, involving knives and fire.

what the crap. seriously, what. the. crap.

studying this as a large group at church, about 50 of us brainstormed through a list of questions that came into our minds after reading this passage. questions like:

-being raised a pagan, was this type of sacrifice not as abnormal to him as to us?

-how old was Isaac, this breathing promise being recalled?

-how long did it take him to pack up and start walking to the mountain?

-WHAT ON EARTH DID ABRAM TELL SARAH as he walked out the tent flap  with their child who was supposed to be the start of a chosen nation?!?

we don't know.  all we do know is that Abram packs a suitcase with some robes, firewood and matches and says he and Isaac are going on a father-son retreat to worship this Voice.

the thought process takes a long time.  the passage has zero verses in between the command and the obedience. 

Isaac is smart enough to realize halfway up this mountain that he's carrying the firewood, his ancient dad has the suitcase, but there's no animal for the sacrifice.  after being reassured by his dad that God's got this under control, he continues unaware.

at some point i think he catches on, because he finds himself tied up and lying on the firewood.

and just when both of them are despising (while obeying) the Voice more than either thought they could, the Voice comes one last time. if you're still brainstorming through this, try to picture both of their faces.  the confusion, denial, anger, bargaining-  they're flying through those grief stages- but Abe's already reached some level of acceptance and puts that shaky knife-wielding hand in the air. 

the knife is literally in the air when Abram is told to put it back down and take back his son.

and in its place he puts a ram that got stuck in an unfortunately nearby bush.

i don't know how long it took for their heart rates to come back down, but i'm betting there was some fantastic worshiping going on up there as they celebrated weirdest life-and-death situation they were rescued from.  what a sweet swap!

there's a little bitty "mountain" or sorts that has become my favorite.  it's only 3 or 4 steps high, but there are times when it's almost as hard to climb as it was for Abram to climb his.  at the top, there's a table.  an altar.

a place to put our everything.  our hopes, dreams, promises, future, lives.  whatever the Voice asks for, no matter how crazy or contradictory it sounds. 

understanding is not a prerequisite to obedience.

and before you can make excuses, you can read the engraved words, "In Remembrance of Me" on the side.

so that we can remember that Abram's story was a glimpse ahead of a different sacrifice, where a different ram took its place on a different altar in the place of a  different child, even as the judgement was inches away in the hand of the father.

you're the child.

Jesus is the ram.

the altar… is an altar. the place where mercy and judgement collide in a cataclysmic explosion- that yet leaves us, the released bystanders, unharmed. there's no acceptable response except to be knocked down to our knees by the shock waves from the impact and to worship where we fall.

that little bitty mountain that i climb sometimes feels steeper, sometimes less so.  often almost too steep. i shakily stumbled down the incline once after leaving my offering and took a single flower from the bouquet atop the altar.  i left feeling like i'd gotten the better end of that swap, leaving behind "just" a prayer and gaining a cut flower doomed to wilt in a day.  how could my gift compare? it seemed hopeless, near-worthless, trivial. i looked up and saw the giant stained glass window where fading light glowed through the image of a cross standing over the earth.

the first time i climbed that mountain under that cross, i exchanged all of my nothing for all of his everything.  i got on that altar, knowing what was at stake-

-and then-

- a moment to hold my breath-

- and there was a lamb where i used to be. 

if that's not the sweetest swap, i don’t know what is.

every time since has been easier than that first hike, and even though it can be more of a spiritual workout than i'd like, there's a unique quality to the time spent there.  it immediately brings me back to the beginning - of my beginning there. up on the mountain, it's just me and my redeemer.  few distractions, people, noises. no timelines, deadlines, headlines. where nothing is more important than the two of us. the time that is absorbed there is rarely regretted.   i'll make that swap any time i can.