no words for it...

people, i  had a rough day today.

a large portion of nurses you might poll would say that they chose that particular path so that they could help people.  and for the most part, this is true.  smart people do not go through nursing school for inferior reasons.  it is a noble career, and it is immeasurably rewarding when i am able to actually do something to make someone else's life a bit better.  i am working/learning to work on a cardiac floor in the local hospital.  most of the patients i see are going through something of a crisis.  from a nurse's perspective it looks like a normal 7-to-7 shift, but through the eyes of the one in the hospital bed?  their whole world just fell apart.  one of their vital organs is no longer functioning as well as they thought it had been, or they knew but it just took a turn for the worse. 

some of them handle it better than others.  i had a good mix of the entire range of  "handling it" from my patients the past two days there, and it's been exhausting.

i want to help these people...but some of them i just can't.  the patients are handling that better than i am.  i can't make arteries open up, dead cells start beating, tumors grow smaller or shriveled capillaries un-shrivel.  i hear Code Blues at least once a day, it seems, but i hate the thought of how "normal" it can seem to nurses who have been there for a long time.  i've done post mortem care before, and i remember when i mentally processed it later that one of the reasons i was upset was that i felt i should have been more upset.  a whole family tree was missing somebody, but i hadn't really been affected.  i felt like i should have felt something.  it's weird.  some day, i'm going to lose a patient.  NO idea what i'll do.    there comes a point where i'm going to have to accept the fact that in some cases, all i can do is give a cup of cold Diet Sprite to a hurting spirit and hopefully cry with them.  otherwise i'll lock myself in a bathroom and take a 5 minute cry creak alone. 

i can't fix so many of these problems- i think that's a good deal of what i'm fighting right now.  i'm a problem-fixer, and i also happen to be incredibly stubborn.  my stubbornness is only satisfied by knowing that i will do whatever i can, and that the best problem fixer EVER is on my side (or rather, i'm on His).   if some sparrow can't fall, apart from His perfect will, neither can i, and neither can all those people stuck in JMCGH.  He's totally got this. 

in other news, my hamster (Fat Floyd)was so eager for more food he kept nibbling straight into my knuckle and now it is bleeding.  shawn spencer and gus are up to their usual antics on tv, and i trimmed my nails so i could pretend to strum a bit on the guitar while the roommates are not around to hold their ears and cry in agony.  one of them brought me mexican food as i recovered from the migraine i got, and  i tacked a favorite Bible verse to my door so i can see it every day.  i am much comforted and blessed.

hmmm.  it appears i really did have words for it afterall :)

speed typing!

i'm going to see how fast i can make this post.  which probably means it'll be really long and i'll go to bed late and be completely exhausted until saturday when i get to sleep in again, for only the second time in two weeks!!!

i am coming to the opinion that i was not created to be awake at 8 in the morning.  ever.  somehow Union didn't get that memo, and then they wondered why i slept through half those classes junior year. 

my thoughts are, for the most part, a jumbled mess and entirely incomprehensible to anyone else or even myself. 

and because i've been yawning constantly for the past 10 days, instead of doing my to-do list (which is generally what one does with such a thing) i turned to YouTube.  the woman i sat next to yesterday and i had a conversation that wound up on homeschooling and Tim Hawkins.  i have over the past several years realized that it is totally okay to say to the world that i was homeschooled, and far more stereotypically so than i want to admit.  Tim Hawkins, a very light-hearted Christian comedian has a great song on that, and this lead me to a good long playlist of his. 

so i've been laughing the past hour, enjoying the pre-bedtime playtime.  i'm counting the days until orientation is done and my schedule changes.  it's getting to a pretty small number.  i'm also happy because tomorrow is my first pay-day.  tomorrow i will probably be sad once i see how much of it the government took away from me, but until then i shall relish the thought of actually getting money from somewhere instead of just handing it out.

i'm also happy because my first clinical buddy is now also a Registered Nurse, official as of yesterday.  i daggum wish she were here, but i still had a great 4 school years with her and she's going to go save tons of lives somewhere and that is just cool.

i'm also happy… well a good part of it is because no matter how i may feel at times, i never really have too much reason to NOT be happy.  i remember when i did, and those days are OVER.  it's not like i'm going to make a comedy routine out of some of it because alot does not contain any humour, but i rejoice that the "now" is a million times better and the "later" will be incalculatably improved.  either i just made up a new word or else there is another way to spell that.   

whatever you may be going through, i hope that at some point you can find the joy instead of letting all the other human emotions crowd it out.  even a little joy makes a huge difference, and just a pinch will multiply exponentially.

a mini-vent

i'm not sure there's a person alive who never wanted to be, even just for a day, the opposite gender.  if you're a boy reading this, you're just downright crazy :P  yeah, this post is  called "venting".  not always justified, but you feel SO BLASTED GOOD afterwards, it's insane!!  i think part of the reason is because there are so many un-bridge-able gaps between males and females that some people dream that if they could spend 5 minutes in the other's head, they might grasp some concepts they could retain and apply as needed to all those awkward situations that's chock full of mis-communication. (MAJOR POINTER!!  --> i don't know if this applies to other girls, but if i'm upset, just feed me, LISTEN, and 90% of the time that's all it takes.)

it's been one of those times when the last thing you want to hear is how hard it is to be a boy.  like when you find a bug bite while shaving.  or when you have to de-clog a drain from hair.  or when the 50,000th person asks who you are dating.  or when you had a bad day and just really want to punch someone in the face but can't because it has somehow been declared  "un-feminine."

i'd like to vote we change that, but whatever…

just kidding (kinda).

but then i have good days like yesterday.  whatever else guys may judge girls for, "talking" is definitely one of them.  and i can say that i do my part to maintain that  stereotype.  nothing is as cool to me as sitting down in starbucks with a friend, a frappuccino, and a pepperoni pizza, only to look at my watch and realize 4 HOURS have gone by, the sun has gone down and the place is deserted because it's closing for the night.  it's delightfully refreshing- if you're a girl you should try it sometime!  if you're a guy...well.  i dunno. i've heard shooting things works the same way for you guys as talking does for us. 

in any case...it's totally bedtime for me.  a couple more weeks of being responsible, and then hopefully i'll be switched to the night shift :)  until then...oh goodness.  Pandora is playing one of those tear-jerker songs, so i really do have to  go now!!

a re-thought.

the pre-thought has retreated deep into the innermost portions of my cerebrum, so i'm sure that means it's working on something brilliant.  i'll do my best to share once i know, but it might not be recognizable to anyone else. 

i think the main problem to that is because i generally have my best thoughts while i am in the bathroom for whatever reason, and the awesomeness increases as the time of night gets later.  i'll spend most of the time struggling to maintain consciousness and then suddenly a thought will burst through with such clarity and force that it'll take me another 5 minutes to absorb the shock and finish the shower or hair brushing or tooth brushing or cleaning or whatever.  it's quite incredible to behold...even though none of you have beheld me brush my teeth and get inspired at the same time before :) and for some reason, my roommates are not always as impressed the next morning as i was in the middle of the night. 

my last middle-of-night thought told me all the things i had meant to say a couple posts ago, but hadn't.  my brain processes stuff so much faster than i can type it out that i think i lose alot of the content, and don't explain things as well as i want to.  of course, if i did type it all out, it'd be so long none of you would read it anyway, so i guess we'll all just have to take what we can get. 

i went a full 8+ hour shift on my unit today, and it felt like several more.  i gave a couple shots, gave a bunch of pills, pulled an arterial line, and chased around the nurse as she managed 5 patients with ease.  i can't wait until i can do that without  wondering what my next mistake will be. 

i want to be perfect.  now.  and that's sooooo not going to happen this side of the river.  i felt alot more confident than i did wearing those white scrubs and being under the scrutiny of several nurses and teachers at once, but i know that i am lacking- obviously.  i've been an RN for what- 3 weeks?  i was working on a large drawing today after work, one i started a bit after graduation.  it's getting to the really tedious part, where i have to be incredibly careful or risk making it look a bit "off" once it's done.  against my normal drawing habits, i went ahead and actually did what the art teacher at Union had told me to do.  i sat back and just looked at how crisp and clean - and good- it looked. it just made me happy.  so happy, in fact, that i couldn't continue today.  i wondered for a little bit if that's how God works on people.  probably not, but it would make a good emotional devotional, wouldn't it?  God doesn't just go "BAM!! Be perfect!".  Instead He works on us, bit by bit.  He puts us out of our comfort zone, makes us do things we might not want to, then sometimes lets us see the effect as we become that much more like Him.  it's a process.  i am apparently much more patient with the drawing than i am with myself.  it's hard to know where to draw the line between being patient with  myself and just learning from "opportunities" and being lazy, not wanting to change.  i think both are part of the process simply because we're not done.  or rather, He's not done with us.  i am very very happy about that last part.  couldn't even tell ya how thrilled i am, knowing that i am so far from perfect now but that there is a time coming when i will be- complete.  done.  a finished work of [he]art. 

so i'm going to re-pot my schifflera and take long happy looks at the drawing. 

tomorrow's a weekend, and that means sleeping in (YES!!!!!), no 8 am classes or clinicals, and then some shopping for some shoes to wear for a friend's wedding.  and tell the apartment people that one more light rain will probably cause the entire building to fall down around my ears.  my guess is that at least half that wall has been eaten by those snails and their second-cousins the slugs. 

sorry that took a completely not-spiritual turn.  i can't be all insight all the time- it's only 9 o'clock and i'm in the living room :P    

hear that noise? yup, that's Opportunity calling your name

for those actively following this blog, i am incredibly pleased with this new toothpaste.  it's definitely gone above and beyond the call of duty to clean not only my teeth, but i can feel the cleansing clear up through my sinuses. because i'm sitting under a raincloud right now, i am much less pleased with this evening, but honestly with much less reason and rationality than i should.

each day gets a little more interesting, as far as hospital orientation goes.  it also gets a little more intimidating, because each day that passes means that we are one day closer to being responsible for real humans.  kinda like parenting, but one grouchy patient + one tiny (and i do mean "TINY") mistake is all it takes for huge implications, up to and including loss of friends, job, license, morale, and the scrubs off your back.  and if you really honked them off, they'll do all the above and then publicly execute you next tuesday. 

tomorrow i'll actually be spending a couple hours up on my floor with someone who hopefully can tell me a bit more about where things are, how things happen, what to do… what NOT to do… and how to chart it properly.   we all went over some computer stuff today, and while i understood it, i am one of those people who just has to do it a couple times before it goes smoothly.  so everyone else was done a couple minutes before i was, but whatever. 

i think possibly the most important thing i've learned all week (maybe even longer…) is something that is becoming an integral part of the lingo here in Jackson Madison County General Hospital.  they have mentioned it at least twice, and i didn't take note of it, but during our lunch hour-and-a-half today i was flipping through some of the thousands of papers we've gotten.  most of this batch was different notices and memos, so i started reading through them.

i saw that they  are making a habit of replacing the word "problem" (or "issue" too,) with the word "opportunity."

i set that sentence apart for a reason. 

and that one, too.  re-read it, please (the first one).  it's been going through my head since then.    think of all the kinds of sentences or phrases where people usually use the word "problem."  now replace it with "opportunity."  it looks dumb.  it really does.  i'm not going to lie there.  but the people here really believe in the difference it makes.  and to prove that we shouldn't be scared to report "opportunities,"  there is a hospital-wide cash drawing monthly for everybody to reports one. 

while i was fussing with that blasted computer charting program… that was an opportunity to learn without the pressure of other obligations or tasks to do.  i was even paid for the time spent.

when i came back to the apartment all tired and cranky and alone… that was an opportunity to cool off in the air conditioning, rest quietly without the roommates around, and to whine a little to God, knowing that my attitude could probably use a re-adjustment but that it wasn't anything He couldn't handle.  and also that maybe He would listen to me once i wasn't talkin' nonsense :P

when i just wanted to lie down but then i saw the mountain of dishes in the sink… well, that was just an opportunity to do the dishes. 

today has been full of opportunity it seems.  and yes, i'm still cranky.  i keep going through phases of me fighting the same old, exasperating problems, and combined with the 3rd consecutive 8 am workday means that i kinda crashed today.  i'm still cranky, so that means i had to type it out or else i might get worse. i have finished both of my books i've been reading and it's too late for me to do much else, so i started some of the cleaning that i didn't want to do.  you'll never guess what i found!!  oh wait, yeah you did- opportunity.  i think sometime when i pondered how cool it would be just to have a pet snail, God just chuckled and said "okay."  that wall in our kitchen that had the water damage from before we moved in…  well, it now hosts a couple snails who apparently invited their friend slugs in.  i learned this because one of our plastic bags we use to hold plastic bags that are full of plastic bags for trash and stuff was stuck to the wall with what looked like little bity bits of dirt.  yeah.  slugs poop.  betcha didn't know that, either.  well ya do now.  i'm wondering what kinds of wonderful opportunities are going to sprout from this one…

i think i've learned enough to deserve a weekend.  God doesn't.  tomorrow comes with its own sort of adventure.  sleep comes now so i don't miss out on it!!

the pre-thought...

july 11 will henceforth be known to me as the day i started a new tube of toothpaste.  same brand, thank goodness.  there's something weird about switching brands of toothpaste.  for reasons i ...don't have…  i started the last one on Feb. 22 and i squeezed the last dew molecules out a few days ago.  i thought i'd had an extra tube that was the same brand AND flavor, but alas not.  instead i had to carry over the weekend with a nasty subsitute that left a chalky aftertaste.

this new tube is still the minty-fresh green-striped kind of Crest, but it seems to have an extra bit of Scope that promises the minty-freshness to last "up to 5x longer." 

i'm sorry i never timed the minty-fresh feeling from last tube, so i can't compare and give an update.  but i will say i am very much liking this stuff.  i need to buy many more tubes so i won't ever have to go through that uncomfortable new-toothpaste adjustment period that i dislike so greatly. 

this second day of hospital orientation felt much easier than the first.  we got official name badges with picture, RN number, and those cool little badge-holder-clip-things that has a little retractable cord so i can yank it, swipe it, let it go and it zips right back to my collar.  it might be the coolest thing this week.  my buddies in the nursing home sure thought so, anyway.  one just walker-ed her way up to some friends sitting on a couch and told 'em all i was her adopted grand-daughter and that i was working in the hospital.  she took my number so i could be her nurse if she ever wound up there.  apparently i look much more grown-up and responsible once i put on cartoon scrubs.  i think it's the badge :)

the only thing that might be cooler for real is that cold front that should be coming through this week.   i love the south, but this heat is killin' us!!  i am praying for furious gusts of wind in the stratosphere to hurry this cold front to Jackson TN. 

this might seem meaningless, but i promise there's a bigger thought coming.  i'm still working through it and trying to connect some loose ends, so i had to throw this out there first.  sorry if you think this wasted time. in fact, i feel so guilty about that that i'll just have to leave you with something to ponder until i have my brilliant revelation. 

a quick search using Wikipedia revealed that Post-it Notes were invented by some dude named Art Fry in 1974.  if he's still alive, i hope he is happy and very very rich.  he deserves it; without his efforts, i would not be where i am.

i've got to brush my teeth and be minty-fresh ready to go again tomorrow!!

...no good title for this one :)

after 11 years of always being busy at work or school, the past 6 or 7 weeks have been a blessed relief. 

today ended all that.

not saying it was bad- it really wasn't.  it was a TON of information, though.  it brought back a couple of my most *cherished* moments of the beginning of nursing school.  i was stressed almost to the point of tears after that very first day.   surrounded by 62 other junior nursing majors, all of us with wide eyes and huge dreams, our professors stood up one by one and explained to us every last toil and hardship that we would encounter during the remainder of our time at Union.  and how much each one cost. 

at least this time around we are paid, instead of paying, for the experience. 

i've already said before that i am most decidedly NOT a morning person, unless there is a very good reason for me to be conscious.  i was struggling today, friends.  struggling.  but inbetween stifling yawns (i still am, actually) there were brief bursts of excitement.  few people know how long i've been planning and wishing on this whole nursing career- currently, about 18 years.  seeing it become a reality is a slightly big deal for me.  even though i've basically set myself up for all kinds of trouble with insurance, government, relatives and goodness knows what else, the opportunity to make a difference in someone's life is what gives me the thrill.  we heard about all kinds of rules we could break, accidents we could cause, and things that could go wrong.  for most of those, we would carry the blame from huge capital-lettered entities, some of which spelled other words and charged us very very large numbers.  it was an exciting day.  but i enjoyed it nonetheless.

i made it through nursing school because i have no real doubts that this RN degree is following God's plan for my life.  He's the reason i made it through.  which means that if i keep my eyes on Him, he will also pull me through each and every shift.  i am not, and never will be, perfect.  i'm going to make mistakes, need help, get frustrated and tired and busy and confused.  but most of my handful of followers are far enough away that you'll never be my patients.  so you're all safe :) 

you'd think House would have learned by now!

being a person who loves that whole medical world, i love Dr. House.  the bad part of me also appreciates the not-understood, incredibly sarcastic personality of a doctor who is way too smart for himself.  which is why i always wonder why they keep putting patients in that MRI machine.  it seems that it's the best way to cause a major trauma, given the show's 100% MRI-trauma incidence rate.  this current episode features a gypsy who, 15 seconds after they start the procedure, goes into immediate liver failure because the entire hepatic artery blocks itself off.  i think part of the reason i like the show is because i know just barely enough to catch a mistake or two every time, and while i disagree with just about every moral/ethical decision House makes i can still sympathize with many of the struggles he has.  being such a ridiculously brilliant scientist as he is, he cannot grasp the concept of something larger than science- something he can't control, or fix, or manipulate.  he can't even see it and therefore denies its existence.   and  then he spends his life trying to correct problems to hide from his own.  which is why i so often connect with him.  it's sad, but so, so true.  i was maybe half a step ahead of him because i was able to wrap my brain around the idea of a higher power, but up until about 1.5 years ago, my heart was left completely out of the game.  while i wasn't as open about it usually, i was drowning in a pool of my own cynicism and frustration that had no outlet.  one of my favorite quotes from House comes from a patient- i think it was a nun- who told him, "you can't be angry at God and not believe in him at the same time."  one of the very few times Dr. House had no witty comeback, because that is getting to the root of his problem.  his religious patients come far closer to diagnosing him than anyone else. 

i'm glad my friends didn't give up on me like House's have.  i'm grateful God found it in His plan to break through this thick skull and rock-hard heart.  i was crippled at least as bad as grumpy Gregory, but step by slow step i was finally lead to a place (well, the ONLY place, really)  where i could reconcile science with spirituality, the brain with the heart, a world full of anger and sin where horrible things happen to "good" people with a God who is still there, fully in control, who would never abuse the power or those who can trust Him despite life-shattering circumstances that make NO earthly sense. 

that place looks just like a cross.

i haven't seen anything past Season 5; maybe he gets clean and drops the drugs (don't spoil it for me, okay?).  his drugs are nothing more than another cover-up, and a pretty poor one at that.  but there was hope aplenty for me, so there's enough for the other Dr. Houses of this world...as long as they stop using MRIs.

"in my own little corner, in my own little chair..."

it is my last weekend before i join that noble class of americans who actually work.  when i go in on monday, it will have been 51 days since being actively engaged in either schoolwork  or work-work.  once i sat down and thought about it, i realized that this will be the longest time since the summer i was 10 years old without a paying job or a textbook to occupy my time.  while it's been a welcome relief from a ton of craziness, i am looking forward to getting back into a rhythm and being productive. 

so my last weekend of freedom and i'm playing cinderella all over the apartment, sweeping, washing dishes, dusting, straightening up the  bathrooms, picking up my toys off the floor :)… i'm about to start baking and cooking and then do the subsequent dirty  dishes.  this in no way implies that i have two evil stepsisters lurking around- just in case they ever join the mob of followers i have blog-stalking me.   the roomies never cease to amuse me, and i've learned tons from them. 

i therefore thought it appropriate that i watch the Cinderella movie.  not the disney one, though.  the one with ten times the magic, ten times the eyesore, and a ten cent budget.  the rogers and hammerstein version starring Brandy.  the only movie ever where an african american female and a white male somehow get a clearly asian son.  i have yet to see a more gaudy movie set with colors that burn my retinas like marshmallows.  but the sentiments are the same, and it's got a couple catchy songs that make it almost worth the 90 minutes.  i don't know if there's a girl out there who's never ever wished even once that she could be someone's princess and have her own fairy tale.  the cinderella story is timeless because of it.  i hardly ever give myself the time to think about it, i really don't like sap and i'd rather have a pumpkin pie than a pumpkin carriage, but most of the concepts stay the same :) prince charming can take his time (he's doing so anyway) because so am i.  i've got Someone looking out for me- and He's way cooler that this sassy godmother with all the sparkles and sequins.  and He totally said i'm a princess to Him, and that's more than good enough for me!  i wish more girls could hear that call that their dream is a mere echo of.  the cinderella-type story is a faded picture of the really real happily-ever-after that is actually possible, and on a way grander scale than a movie set, or even this planet.

i'm just going to keep on doing what i do- doing dishes, reading, working on some rough edges, and watching sappy movies when the roommates aren't around.    if you ever get the chance to see the R&H cinderella, do it- then go watch something else incredibly manly with lots and lots of guns and mild cussing.  i'll probably finish the Bourne trilogy tonight as well...but in the way  back corner of my closet behind the scrubs and t-shirts, i've still got my ballgown. 

loyalty- go "moo" or go home!!

soooo, it turns out that today was Cow Appreciation Day, celebrated across this grand nation at all participating Chick-Fil-A restaurants.   i'm not sure how my day would have changed if i had been clued into this before hand.  i had previously been planning on eating there last night with a friend who had a last minute conflict.  so this morning when the roommate came down and immediately stated she wanted Chick-Fil-A for lunch, the craving expanded from the size of a lima bean to that of a hammerhead shark.  we drove over there only to find that the traffic patterns for the entire city had reorganized into one-way streets, every last one of them pointing straight towards the home of the chicken sandwich.  if we hadn't been so hungry, i would have sat back and wondered at the marvel of it all.  but we were starving, so we parked across the street, scrambled across and learned in 5 seconds that it was "Dress like cow, git free chikin" Day.  if you thought the drive-through line was crazy, how about seeing dozens of children all dressed up as cows, in some sort of fashion, many of them accompanied by parents and teachers sporting ears, spots, udders, and big clanging bells around their necks.  by some miracle we both got food and a table indoors, watching this phenomenon with wonder.  i'd be curious to find out how much they paid those workers to dress up as princess cow and sporty-cool-masculine cow, shaking hands and waving.   the whole excursion was an adventure, and i'm totally not feeling guilty at all for giving in to a craving.  some things i just won't debate.  when i need Chick-Fil-A, it's going to happen one way or another.  same thing goes for the animal crackers and ice cream- if you're around me, your life will go easier too :P 

that place has been very good to us Union students, and it's incredibly fun just to see the response from the whole community- just to get a free chicken sandwich.      i'd do it if i'd only known…

it's no longer Cow Appreciation Day...i've been up way too late.  good thing it's a saturday now, roomies are gone, and i don't have to go to bed at a responsible hour until...Sunday, actually.  after that i shall be joining the realm of responsible American working force.  FYI, i still plan on keeping  my Legos and Play-Doh.  and my cow's gonna beat out your cow next time :)

i've discovered over the course of the whole...1.5 days of having a blog, that the whole struggle of having a blog is that each blogger is really at least 1/2 a copycat of another blogger, but each one wants to be distinctly different from all the other bloggers.  for example, i'd been pondering the idea of a blog for quite a while, and once i set it up, of course i was following bethany's lead but since i WAS following her lead, she got to the prettier profile background setting.  but i lover her anyway, so i went with the pink-ish background.
i hate pink.  (mostly). but i love bethany more.  and ice cream :)

oh yes, i <3 ice cream.  it had been a worrysome-long time since i've had ice cream until last night.  a long-term friend and i finally used a Maggie Moos gift card i've had for 14 months now.  i think my pancreas "might" recover eventually... but that was my sugar quota for like, the summer.  most expensive ice cream ever, but so worth it!!  we all put our heads together at the register and then asked the guy to throw on some mixed nuts so that we used up the whole gift card but only went 5 cents over.   then we sat outside and got sugar highs and talked for an hour and 40 minutes.  and learned tons.  it's ridiculous that the two of us could live in such close proximity for so long and yet... not really talk.  it's been wearing on both of us, each being extremely stressed out, completely unaware that the other was, too.  apparently we both retreat, causing a huge lack of communication and yet more stress, leading to a downward spiral.   the post-grad life is not all roses and sunshine, but nothing makes it gloomier than trying to do it alone.  we had several weeks of catching up to do, and there are some definite changes we need to make.  it may not be that 'fun,' but given what i could have lost i think change is a 'win.'  which is more important :)  that's what life is, really.  every day since the beginning of time, people have been trying to change things (usually for the better, but that's not across the board)- either undoing some wrong or doing something to make it bigger/stronger/faster/cuter/live-longer-but-look-younger-er/'different'.  even trying to keep something the exact same way is a daily process of stopping the change.  i'm glad things change; i'm glad i've changed.  and i'm glad we now have a starting point to change more.  i'm glad i HAD 5 cents of change.  thank goodness for Maggie Moos!! 

however- some other parts of post-grad life are rockin' awesome.  i woke up at 9:30, which hasn't happened in months (at least). then i pondered some Thessalonians...ate Honey Bunches (that part of my life is very unlikely to change anytime soon).  and then played with my legos.  2 of them are now stuck together wrong with little hope of me ever separating them in this lifetime.  oh well.  our living room would look to an outsider as though we had at least 2 kids.  nope-just me :)  and my two hard-working  parental roommates.  who i hope to never go so long without ice cream with ever again. 

look who's talking...

i had this really brilliant thought earlier today.
then i lost it.
i was talking to one of my awesome roommates, and somehow we wound up on politics.  don't worry- that had nothing to do with my brilliant thought. politics aren't brilliant.  they are a mess, pure and simple...or rather, corrupted and complicated. but i do feel that anyone with a blog should have the right to talk about politics regardless of qualifications, so anyone looking for a good debate should check back here in 6-12 months and i'm sure i'll have an opinion about it.
my brain now feels numb.  doing laundry in that laundry room during the hottest part of the day was not my best move.  it did, however, result in clean clothes.
i found Brown Recluse #24-ish crawling on one of my shirts yesterday morning, which is disappointing.  we had the apartment gassed in order to get rid of them all.  there's something un-nerving about knowing there are poisonous spiders lurking about, just waiting to pop out and take a chomp out of your foot.  but they have a special fondness for my room, or at least only come out when i'm around.  weird.  creepy.  it took days before the chills went away, at least once i figured out that they were al BRs.  one quick google search confirmed my suspicion.  guess what?  they really do have these violin-shaped things on their backs.  and eerily long legs.  and massive fangs.  i never really thought those descriptions worked, for brown recluses OR black widows.  seriously, telling a person that they don't have to worry about those big black spiders unless they have a bright red hourglass shape...on their underside.... where's the logic in that?  who's gonna be the one to flip that bugger over so i can see its tummy before i decide if i'm going to smash it or not?  really?   just going to put this out there: if there's anything with more than four (4) limbs uninvited in my living establishment, it's probably going to die, markings or not.  flyswatters work on a variety of small irritating exoskeletons, not just flies.
if i ever remember that brilliant thought, i'll have to clue all 3 of my regulars in- now that i'm one of those cool blog people, i can go for as long as i want!!

a blank page before me...

one of my regular facebook stalkers once recommended that i should just start a blog.  she just didn't realize that i have no idea how to do that and that i have a natural ability to destroy computers simply by sitting next to one.  i've discovered that it usually happens on thursday evenings, too.  right now, i'm fighting with the auto-correct on this "OneNote" thing that came free on this latest computer.  for some files i don't particularly care if it decides to capitalize all the words that i am too lazy to do, but as long as this is me talking to myself and whoever else may invest time here, i think i/they may as well get over it.  i'm just hoping it doesn't carry over to the other documents where it actually does matter that i don't look like an idiot because i don't capitalize "thursday."

it's been 42 days since graduation, when we sweated like...really hot people in a mass wearing dark robes in the summer, hoping like mad we weren't the one who tripped walking across the stage.  and for the nursing majors, we had to do it TWICE.  may 21st was just full of celebratory ceremonies for us.  it almost cost me lunch, but i learned just how fast i can run in heels carrying chick-fil-a for two people and not spill on the new dress- it's pretty fast.  i think for me the Pinning Ceremony was better than actual graduation.  for one thing, there was air conditioning. but after spending so much time, effort, and the whole range of human emotions with these nursing majors over the past 2+ years, it was really cool to finish out college with them and our families in the chapel to get our UUSN pin, a pocket NT and a little lamp. then we had to juggle them all to our place on the stage and recite the Nightengale Oath, promising to never be mean to our patients even when they deserve it.  i don't think the Gideon's Bible representative ever figured out why we all as a class burst out laughing when she told us in her little speech how she was so happy they could coordinate the white NTs to match our clinical uniforms.  at least, i hope she didn't- she was too sweet to tell her we really really really did not like those uniforms.  but i really liked the ceremony as a whole and we got alot more out of it than the families. 

the actual graduation was hot, long, and totally during dinnertime. that may have been the worst part for me.  but i got that diploma, flipped that tassel, couldn't find any camera to smile at, and kept on walking.  someone in there got a pretty good shot i think.  i know we got some good ones afterwards, with the people i know and love the best- the ones who made college worth it.  forget the $150,000 piece of paper, i want those million dollar memories, some of which were photo-documented, others of which couldn't have been.  Cobo probably isn't anyone's favorite place on campus, but so many good things happened there.  the same could be said of our dorm- Grace 3, 527 or  barefoot's joe, or that little sidewalk that encircles campus where we walked so many miles.  that wooden bench in the PAC hallway.  Dodd 19- my first dorm, destroyed by The Tornado, beautifully remodeled...and then turned into a boys dorms.  Craig 1 and the Ant Invasion of '08.  the pictures just show faces, but if it were a cartoon, there'd be hundreds of those little thought bubbles everywhere. i can still see them, even if nobody else can.

those are why i miss Union.  but now i have this thing called "real life."  this means that i pay things called "bills" and have to do my own room checks and buy all my own groceries.  this leaves me wishing i weren't so addicted to Honey Bunches of Oats… (the one with the almonds).   the monies add up and march single file into Kroger's and never come out.  this wouldn't ordinarily be a problem, but "ordinary" doesn't come for a few weeks when i'll actually be getting a paycheck.  until then, i am living off the minimum-wage paychecks received through most of my college career.  thank you, hundley center!! 

as i just told my room-mate, i have just discovered this thing called "OneNote" from microsoft, which is the cause of all this typing.  basically, it is the union  of a physical notebook+ the internet+ your brain.  in a computer form. it's ridiculous and it came free on my computer. after that traumatic weekend, i feel like i totally deserve it.  so eventually this may even make it to "blog" format and i can share my life with the 3 people who may/not read it…

not going to lie- there are significant perks to being a graduate.  first and foremost.. we has a hamster.  he is amazing.  not too bright, but fluffy and adorable and ridiculously funny to watch him roll all over in his little plastic ball.  very much worth the $10. i waited to get him until after i'd taken the state nursing boards test so i wouldn't distract myself-smart choice.  although i have plenty of other distractions.  i'm finally able to read, eat, draw and sleep when/what i want to.  no more tests, lectures, clinicals or meetings at 8 am.  that is my least favorite time.  if it's so terribly important, let's meet NOW, or put it at 7 am.. or even 6.  this at least makes it looks absolutely vital that an issue is resolved at soonest opportunity. 

if it's not that important, I'LL SEE YOU AT 10.