no words for it...

people, i  had a rough day today.

a large portion of nurses you might poll would say that they chose that particular path so that they could help people.  and for the most part, this is true.  smart people do not go through nursing school for inferior reasons.  it is a noble career, and it is immeasurably rewarding when i am able to actually do something to make someone else's life a bit better.  i am working/learning to work on a cardiac floor in the local hospital.  most of the patients i see are going through something of a crisis.  from a nurse's perspective it looks like a normal 7-to-7 shift, but through the eyes of the one in the hospital bed?  their whole world just fell apart.  one of their vital organs is no longer functioning as well as they thought it had been, or they knew but it just took a turn for the worse. 

some of them handle it better than others.  i had a good mix of the entire range of  "handling it" from my patients the past two days there, and it's been exhausting.

i want to help these people...but some of them i just can't.  the patients are handling that better than i am.  i can't make arteries open up, dead cells start beating, tumors grow smaller or shriveled capillaries un-shrivel.  i hear Code Blues at least once a day, it seems, but i hate the thought of how "normal" it can seem to nurses who have been there for a long time.  i've done post mortem care before, and i remember when i mentally processed it later that one of the reasons i was upset was that i felt i should have been more upset.  a whole family tree was missing somebody, but i hadn't really been affected.  i felt like i should have felt something.  it's weird.  some day, i'm going to lose a patient.  NO idea what i'll do.    there comes a point where i'm going to have to accept the fact that in some cases, all i can do is give a cup of cold Diet Sprite to a hurting spirit and hopefully cry with them.  otherwise i'll lock myself in a bathroom and take a 5 minute cry creak alone. 

i can't fix so many of these problems- i think that's a good deal of what i'm fighting right now.  i'm a problem-fixer, and i also happen to be incredibly stubborn.  my stubbornness is only satisfied by knowing that i will do whatever i can, and that the best problem fixer EVER is on my side (or rather, i'm on His).   if some sparrow can't fall, apart from His perfect will, neither can i, and neither can all those people stuck in JMCGH.  He's totally got this. 

in other news, my hamster (Fat Floyd)was so eager for more food he kept nibbling straight into my knuckle and now it is bleeding.  shawn spencer and gus are up to their usual antics on tv, and i trimmed my nails so i could pretend to strum a bit on the guitar while the roommates are not around to hold their ears and cry in agony.  one of them brought me mexican food as i recovered from the migraine i got, and  i tacked a favorite Bible verse to my door so i can see it every day.  i am much comforted and blessed.

hmmm.  it appears i really did have words for it afterall :)