open mouth, insert flame

i'm one of those people.

the kind with skulls on the thick end of the scale, and ears that are not always the best at catching on to things. i am pretty good at nagging for answers, and less good at actually listening for a response.  yes, that really is backwards if you think about it for a couple seconds. 

i've made it to nearly 4 am, so i've thought about it alot more than that.  other things as well, but the whole jabbering vs. listening thing has been a top thinking priority for a while because it's so clearly something i need to work on. 

i've been rather frustrated for quite some time, honestly, because i am 100% sure there's something big that i'm missing.  either that, or it's just not here yet...but it's coming.  and i don't know what it is.  i've been sitting on the proverbial edge of my proverbial seat waiting for it...and dreading it all at the same time, of course.  that's how we women multi-task issues of this nature ;) 

one of the big thoughts that has stuck with me from a women's bible study on the book of Jonah was how to detect a selfish/sinful plan from a righteous one.  and one of the major differences is that a sinful one sure ain't gonna make you need/trust God any more than you do now- potentially less, even.

this is why i'm so scared as well as excited.  whatever "thing" is about to come crashing into my reality is going to push my limits of trust and willing obedience, force me to step out of the comfort zone i'm so snuggly wrapped up in, and to drop me into a situation where i have absolutely no other choice than to cling to Him like my life depends on it (because it just might) or else to let go of all I believe in.  on paper, the choice is blatantly obvious.  on paper.  if i were a cartoon, then great!  but i'm a slightly clueless post-grad human being who's just going day to day and still feeling like i've gotten more on my plate than i'm supposed to have to deal with. 

i don't trust myself enough to know what i'd say if God said, "Hey look!  I need someone to do this...who's up for it?" 

in a completely different context, the story of Isaiah's calling was brought up.  so i looked it up and a little flicker happened in my head.  it was beautiful- really!

so, to quote the good prophet:

"In the year that King Uzziah died I saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up; and the train of his robe filled the temple.  above him stood the seraphim… And one called to another and said: "Holy, holy holy is the Lord of hosts; the whole earth is full of his glory!"

"And the foundations of the thresholds shook at the voice of him who called, and the house was filled with smoke.  and i said" woe is me!  For I am lost; for i am a man of unlcean lips, and i dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts!

Then one of the seraphim flew to me, having in his hand a burning coal that he had taken with tongs from the alter.  and he touched my mouth and said: 'Behold, this has touched you lips; your guilt is taken away, and your sin atoned for.'

"And i heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?' Then i said, "Here am i!  Send me!"

(Isaiah 6:1-8)

Well, the first half just puts the second in perspective, so I included it.  That, and it's just too freakin' amazing.  Read it again and let your mind get blown away.  the only way a creature like that could get near me with burning coals from the altar is if i'm frozen solid with sheer amazement.

But i love how Isaiah was brought to the decision.  He was led, first to seeing his sin and that of those he was surrounded by.  then he repents, and has a mild heart attack because, well...the God of the universe was right in front of him and his world was shaking- literally.  and then…

he is pronounced clean.  just like that.  no praying special prayers, no ABCs, no altar call… the altar was kinda brought to HIM instead.

all that, so when God asked for a volunteer, there's one right there- prepared, purified, and sufficiently freaked out to know how to respond.

in my head, i see a situation similar to when my dad spent so many hours walking me through a ka-bajillion proofs and trig problems, step by step by painful step until finally he had basically done the whole thing except for the very very last step when he would ask what the answer was, and after stuttering a bit and squinting, i could finally see the answer right in front of my face.  but God does the same kind of thing- He puts the answer in front of us, but He still asked for Isaiah to volunteer.  Even though there's only one logical (though nerve-wracking) option, He gives us two. 

if i can remember when those coals touched my head and i was named clean, i should have the same eager response- bouncing in the chair shouting "me! me!  pick me pickmepickme!!"

i don't know what's coming- neither did Isaiah.  but his mouth was burning.  he didn't need to know the future, just the one who told him what to do and said that He'd be there every step of the way- because it is a journey, no matter how un/ready you may feel.

good- 'cause i don't feel ready at all.

it's been 45 minutes just to type this out...but many days have gone into thinking it.  this is just a fraction of what i've been working through, but the rest is a mess in my head so it wouldn't make sense to anybody else at all.  but pray for me to have the courage to do whatever it is whenever i figure it out… but watch out!  he might have a couple coals of fire for you too!

Starbucks strikes again!

my life changed this week.

i feel like this warrants a blog.

although this may not interest you at all….i just need to stay awake.

this means that i have to tell you about this girl i know who may have saved the lives and sanity of and estimated 3-13 humans this week alone.  well, 14 really, because i'd have to count myself twice there.  this was the week of marvelous transformation for me, from the typical human who did things like dishes and bills and reading to some kind of abnormal being who did things like eat lunch at 1 am, dressed in obnoxiously bright colored clothing with massive pockets, and well, i  still read, but now it's at 4 am while i've got the Hamburger Helper cooking on the stove. 

the first night of staying up late, til 3, the roomie and i spontaneously ran off to Kroger's.  mostly because i decided that i desperately needed- NEEDED- brownies and lacked a mix.  so of course the first thing we see is the taco stuff shelf.  all i lacked was the meat, taco shells, rice, lettuce, and seasoning.  problem solved!!

she stayed up til 1am with me, eating brownies and ice cream watching House and talking. 

last night was a long one, mostly because i'd have barely enough time after getting off in order to wash my hair and get to church.  forget any sleeping there!  so of course this same friend and roomie gave me Starbuck dollars...StarDollar Bucks...Starbucks Bucks… free coffee. i brought a philosophy friend who is also experienced with caffeine in order to not kill myself by accidental overdose.  10 seconds of conferring with the guy at the register and they decided just what i needed: a Starbucks Double Shot. 

oh, b'goodness.

i didn't have my normal 3 am slump, that's for sure!  a bit because i was crazy busy trying to solve unsolvable problems and was much more active than my first two shifts on wednesday and thursday.  but mostly because i had unhealthy amounts of caffeine running like 20 toddlers through my system.  it was just wearing off when i got off duty, so i drugged myself with Honey Bunches and chocolate ice cream before church.  by the time i got back, i'd been awake for 22.1 hours.

wow.

just, wow.

as weirded out as i was about starting night shift, the change came so naturally i was shocked. but very pleased. the atmosphere on A8 from 3 pm to 3 am is as different as...well, as night [shift] and day.  it's much more relaxed and i have time to really sit, think, and ask questions of my preceptor...so that in 3 weeks when i am officially done with orientation i will be prepared.  that's an intimidating thought right there- for real. i was very much encouraged to hear nurses who have been here for years still rely on others for help and advice and stability and a strip of tape or alcohol swab.

my brain is totally WHACKED out right now… i have Wallace and Gromit on right now and some tea and graham crackers- a very favorable snack, in my opinion. 

while the thunderstorm drifts by overhead i am forcing myself to recover from a ridiculously long day/night…

it's 3 am… my cerebral cortex is pushing its limits...and a massive blast of thunder destroyed that reverie. the candles are burning because it's almost time to take out trash, and i'm cuddled with a blanket because the weather is cooling off. 

it's 3:19… i don't know how much longer my eyes will stay open.  22 hours awake, 4 hours asleep, then i'm at 11 hours awake again right now.

my life sure ain't boring that's for sure!

recipie for adventure: take some life, add chocolate, and many-many tacos

this past saturday marked my last time as a day shift nurse.

this wednesday will mark  my first shift on nights.

it's going to be an adventure, and that's about all i know.  i hate going into a situation with expectations because they're almost always wrong and then my Type A personality goes "honk!"

but if i can always go in to a situation knowing there's an adventure just waiting to be found, everything is tolerable whether good or bad..

as far as this adventure is concerned, i have embarked on the journey of transformation- i have left the day shift nurse behind, and shall henceforth be known as "Hey, night nurse." 

basically, i have 2 days/nights to turn my whole life on its ear.

like i said- an adventure.

i'm kinda excited about where this one goes.  first of all, never have i ever pulled an all-nighter before.  for those who have seen me during those close calls...well...i hope i stay coherent and not endanger anyone around me.  as a preventative measure, i am staying up tonight- hopefully 'til at least 3 am, so that i will not go into neurogenic shock wednesday night.  

so far, it's off to a wonderful start :)  my roommate decided that giving in to my 9 pm brownie craving was smart so we booked it over to kroger's and wound up getting brownies.  but not until after we got everything we might need for tacos tomorrow (the first thing i saw in there).  i'd already put together a bookcase and gotten some blackout curtains for the window in my room.

Bunny Trail: on a completely side note, this building has the oddest windows.  the one in my room is 34.5" by 28."  not kidding.  to make the curtain-ing project even more intriguing is the fact that the window is actually right in the corner of the room, so there's no way to get a curtain rod to go beyond the edge of the window...because there's a wall there.  once i figure out what on earth to do, i'll keep interested parties updated on the trivial matters of my life such as this.

anyway, brownies plus ice cream and this, the third, episode of House, have carried me to 12:30… the roomie is about to hit the pillow, and i'm doing some hardcore thinking of how to choke another 3 hours of consciousness of out myself.  this may or may not happen well...any ideas?... anybody still awake?...

in other news, i re-learned why church families might be the coolest thing ever thought up.  while i absolutely love(d) almost everything about my day shift, i had a really stressful week.  because of how life works, when once thing goes off, so does the whole kitten caboodle, so i stoically fought my way through all 7 days of the week and was an emotional tropical storm-approaching-hurricane by sunday.    but then i was surrounded by people who had no idea, but i could tell them and then become okay. 

it's been another 10 minutes.  i'm having difficulty picturing myself sober-like within a short amount of time :)   ha ha-House just made a sarcastic joke! 

scrapbooking is an option...if i can trust myself to hold the right end of the exact-o knife. prob not. 

but i absolutely love going through all these old photos. so many memories that are treasures.  i can't wait to get these up on the wall so i can see them every day.  a picture or two greatly shortens both time and miles, both of which separate me from many people and places i miss :)

I AM SO FREAKIN' EXCITED ABOUT TACOS TOMORROW!!

my brain is toasting.  i have nothing horribly important to blog about at the moment, but it is now 12:46, and if the night shift so damages my mind that not another intelligent thought is formed by it, then all 7 of you will be able to point to the moment this tragedy occurred and say, "i knew here back when she was smart." 

i'm going to cut things (paper, cardboard, fingers, fun stuff) with sharp objects as i bombard my senses with auditory and visual entertainment. 

can't wait for wednesday!...

can't wait for TACOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fall-la-la-la-la-la!!!

labor day was pretty great, despite the fact that i was awake for much more of it than i would have originally planned.  the first 2 hours of so of consciousness are my least favorite. after that point, i'm into something of a rhythm at my shift, and then i blink, and then it's 4 pm and we're looking forward to the end of a shift coming in the next… 4hours or less :)

this labor day was even better because when i walked out the door this huge wall of wonderfully brisk air hit my face, for the first time in many moons.  i started off terribly bummed that i would spend this whole day indoors, but it always winds up being worth it (once i've clocked out).  i chose to perform a task myself instead of handing it off to another nurse, and was rewarded by looking out the patient's window and seeing a gorgeous sunset.  the kind that makes you feel all sentimental and fuzzy inside even after you look away and watch what you're doing holding all kinds of medical equipment over your patient's head.  it was another long day, full of much labor, but i smiled in triumph at the security cameras in the walkway to the car. 

the cool fall air was still there that night, and is still here today.  if the weathermen are to be believed, it may stick around for a while yet- not a problem for me!!  i love the smells so characteristic of fall that are all over outside now.  i think fall is a wonderful, but almost weird, season.  after so much heat, sweat, lying around and panting for oxygen all through the summer, the fall always feel incredibly refreshing.  and those two weeks where the leaves are both pretty AND on the trees are nothin' short of magical.  but there's an undercurrent of intense… anticipation, i would say.  fall is all about change-watching one season leave and one yet to come.  school has started, and kids automatically count the days until the next school break- christmas break (thanksgiving's break is not really long enough to count for anything).  sorry friends...you've got a while.  if you're that impatient, just head over to the nearest Hobby Lobby.  even 2 weeks ago when my thermometer was melting, the full collection of christmas trees was up, dressed and standing tall on the stands...and 50% off, like the rest of the store that day.  those are my favorite days to be there :)

the music director has also sucked me into the Living Christmas Tree choir rehearsals.  the kick-off rehearsal was last night, and believe it or not i enjoyed myself.  even though i've never sung alto and was sitting next to one of those stereotypical baptist women who does so much right, has 2 amazing kids and hit every note perfectly.  

but for whatever reason, say "fall" and something in the back of people's heads responds "yay- christmas is coming!" 

yeah, so is tomorrow.  and as long as it remains september, tomorrow is not christmas. 

i've discovered i really hate spending each day NOW waiting for christmas, or summer, or a weekend, or anything other than TODAY.  i have accumulated an unfortunately large number of days waiting for something or someone or somewhere instead of taking what i have and moving forward with life.  life's short enough as is, no need to go waste the bit i have right now. 

i might not get a tomorrow.  not that i have a huge problem with it, as God's the one who has control over all that.  but i want my TODAY to mean something to someone else who'll still be around.  

enjoy the fall- please! it's amazing, and it's going to be gone in, like… 2 seconds.

look forward to a cozy winter, getting a warm coat, watching your breath float away,  hot chocolate, Elf, and snowmen (as long as you're not in Tennessee).

but look at today!  it's right here smiling back at you.  like this --->    :)

forget the pine tree- i get all the sap i want from George Strait

sorry, but something about seeing a best friend/peer get married at age 21 has set off this ridiculously sappy and emotional mood that has persisted far longer than rhyme or reason could explain, even if they put their wispy heads together for a week to figure it out.  and that makes alot more sense if you've seen The Phantom Tollbooth- that movie with Milo and the chill watch dog Tock who go on the freakiest roadtrip ever to find the two sisters, Rhyme and Reason who live in a transparent castle in the sky and Milo saves the whole freakish world from faceless demons like the Terrible Trivium by finally thinking.  and then he wakes up in his living room.

but i am not doing  drugs. i have, however, been doing thinking.  alot of it.  tryin' to figure out where my life is headed, if it's the right direction, how i'll know for sure-sure, and if i really should have gotten the other color of cell phone cover.

Bunny Trail #1:  i have the ugliest phone ever.  but it was the most similar to the one i had before, so i kinda had to get it.  besides, all the other capable americans have moved on to touchscreens.  if you know nothing else about me, please be assured of this: me+touchscreen= imminent doom for all electronics within 10 leagues. 

(Bunny Trail #1-B: how long is a league anyway?) 

but anyway, the only three colors of phone covers were the ugliest, brightest flourescent shades of pink, blue and purple.  i can not handle pink.  NOT.  the blue one was about to make me hate all shades of blue forever and always, so i couldn't do it.  i already hate the color purple, but this hideous shade wouldn't blind me like the pink, so now i own a Barney-purple phone cover.)

Main Topic again: but since it seems that i will not be getting married in the near (potentially farrrrrrrr) future, i need something to do.  yes, i work, but i feel like that's not it.  for some reason i have the nagging sense that there is something out there for me to do, and once i figure out what it is everything on earth will either make sense or not matter at all.  (math goes in the "does not matter" category).  while my career is a mission of sorts, and does demand alot of time and effort, and is something i love doing (alot), there's something else… i just don't know what.  i have a couple of ideas that i'm excited about.  every christian oughta have a way to reach out to others- that above all else.  if you don't tell that person about Jesus...what?  are ya going to assume someone else will/should instead?   without him, THEY'RE DEAD.  they've got nothing to lose and eternity to gain, and it can all happen if you open your mouth/life/home/wallet/eyes to a little risk.

(Bunny Trail #2:  some of the most heartening words i've heard regarding the administration of CPR to a patient: "they're already dead- whatever you do can't make them any worse...so do something!"  and at least you know you tried. 

to continue this thought, i spent yesterday and today becoming certified in both BLS (basic life support-your typical CPR and stuff) and ACLS (advanced cardiovascular life support-bringing monitors, medications, therapies and all kinds of nonsense into the deal).  considering i work on a cardiac floor and was also paid for learning this, i was really happy about it.  but i also got sore.  come to find out, doing CPR for 10 minutes straight...twice in a row... really works out the abs and back.  i've saved at least 20 plastic dummy lives these two days, and in the group sessions twice i wound up doing compressions for several minutes straight.  even the instructors were impressed, which is good, but… i hurt.  i've got to start doing push-ups or something, or my patients might be disappointed later.  but somewhere between the lactic acid burn in my shoulders and counting 30 compressions for 2 breaths, times 5 for a set, i looked down and said "well daggum, push like that was a non-christian!"  and i did, friends, i did- until the sweat rolled down and my spine was about to give way.  no giving up after that! 

Main Topic again:  see?  that was more like a bunny cul-de-sac because it came back around to what i had been saying...sort of :)

to tie it all together, i want to be more intentional with people, especially those with less than me (not just materially either- physically, emotionally, metaphysically, spiritually, etc...all those "ally"s).  too much is at stake for me to be lazy and stay comfortable in my little hole without doing something about all those hurting hearts out there.  i don't know about you, but there are so many people that i see everywhere...and i just look at their faces and think, "you're sad."  i can see anger, despair and confusion chiseled into their physical facial expressions, or they'll walk away and i can feel the painful  residue of their presence.  it's weird...it really is. can't explain it at all.  but i can't stand waiting for some other christian to do what takes 2 seconds and a little bit of faith...and sometimes a lot of gut, too.  but if i can take a smidgen of their burden away, or better yet- show them to the one who can take the whole kitten caboodle- how in heaven or earth could i say no?  "they're already dead- do SOMETHING!!"

and there is no good way to tie in a strong ending.  partly because i'm watching the last disc of Lord of the Rings with a roommate and was suddenly overcome with such a tummy-wrenching hunger than i had to eat some ritz crackers and peanut butter, and then a cinnamon graham cracker.  i have assuaged the pangs, and also spread some love, joy and many many crumbs on this section of the living room.  and there's not much spiritual about this mess :)

so what are you still reading this for?!?  go do something amazing for God, and let me know how it turns out!!  i really do want to hear about it :)