i'm one of those people.
the kind with skulls on the thick end of the scale, and ears that are not always the best at catching on to things. i am pretty good at nagging for answers, and less good at actually listening for a response. yes, that really is backwards if you think about it for a couple seconds.
i've made it to nearly 4 am, so i've thought about it alot more than that. other things as well, but the whole jabbering vs. listening thing has been a top thinking priority for a while because it's so clearly something i need to work on.
i've been rather frustrated for quite some time, honestly, because i am 100% sure there's something big that i'm missing. either that, or it's just not here yet...but it's coming. and i don't know what it is. i've been sitting on the proverbial edge of my proverbial seat waiting for it...and dreading it all at the same time, of course. that's how we women multi-task issues of this nature ;)
one of the big thoughts that has stuck with me from a women's bible study on the book of Jonah was how to detect a selfish/sinful plan from a righteous one. and one of the major differences is that a sinful one sure ain't gonna make you need/trust God any more than you do now- potentially less, even.
this is why i'm so scared as well as excited. whatever "thing" is about to come crashing into my reality is going to push my limits of trust and willing obedience, force me to step out of the comfort zone i'm so snuggly wrapped up in, and to drop me into a situation where i have absolutely no other choice than to cling to Him like my life depends on it (because it just might) or else to let go of all I believe in. on paper, the choice is blatantly obvious. on paper. if i were a cartoon, then great! but i'm a slightly clueless post-grad human being who's just going day to day and still feeling like i've gotten more on my plate than i'm supposed to have to deal with.
i don't trust myself enough to know what i'd say if God said, "Hey look! I need someone to do this...who's up for it?"
in a completely different context, the story of Isaiah's calling was brought up. so i looked it up and a little flicker happened in my head. it was beautiful- really!
so, to quote the good prophet:
"In the year that King Uzziah died I saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up; and the train of his robe filled the temple. above him stood the seraphim… And one called to another and said: "Holy, holy holy is the Lord of hosts; the whole earth is full of his glory!"
"And the foundations of the thresholds shook at the voice of him who called, and the house was filled with smoke. and i said" woe is me! For I am lost; for i am a man of unlcean lips, and i dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts!
Then one of the seraphim flew to me, having in his hand a burning coal that he had taken with tongs from the alter. and he touched my mouth and said: 'Behold, this has touched you lips; your guilt is taken away, and your sin atoned for.'
"And i heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?' Then i said, "Here am i! Send me!"
(Isaiah 6:1-8)
Well, the first half just puts the second in perspective, so I included it. That, and it's just too freakin' amazing. Read it again and let your mind get blown away. the only way a creature like that could get near me with burning coals from the altar is if i'm frozen solid with sheer amazement.
But i love how Isaiah was brought to the decision. He was led, first to seeing his sin and that of those he was surrounded by. then he repents, and has a mild heart attack because, well...the God of the universe was right in front of him and his world was shaking- literally. and then…
he is pronounced clean. just like that. no praying special prayers, no ABCs, no altar call… the altar was kinda brought to HIM instead.
all that, so when God asked for a volunteer, there's one right there- prepared, purified, and sufficiently freaked out to know how to respond.
in my head, i see a situation similar to when my dad spent so many hours walking me through a ka-bajillion proofs and trig problems, step by step by painful step until finally he had basically done the whole thing except for the very very last step when he would ask what the answer was, and after stuttering a bit and squinting, i could finally see the answer right in front of my face. but God does the same kind of thing- He puts the answer in front of us, but He still asked for Isaiah to volunteer. Even though there's only one logical (though nerve-wracking) option, He gives us two.
if i can remember when those coals touched my head and i was named clean, i should have the same eager response- bouncing in the chair shouting "me! me! pick me pickmepickme!!"
i don't know what's coming- neither did Isaiah. but his mouth was burning. he didn't need to know the future, just the one who told him what to do and said that He'd be there every step of the way- because it is a journey, no matter how un/ready you may feel.
good- 'cause i don't feel ready at all.
it's been 45 minutes just to type this out...but many days have gone into thinking it. this is just a fraction of what i've been working through, but the rest is a mess in my head so it wouldn't make sense to anybody else at all. but pray for me to have the courage to do whatever it is whenever i figure it out… but watch out! he might have a couple coals of fire for you too!
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