when thankfulness is hard

if you're faithful in following these posts, then your job has been very easy the past long while. 

if you're not faithful, then you didn't notice.

either way, thank you :)

thanksgiving is still a few hours away, and my celebrating's already done.   had lunch at Moe's this weekend with a couple friends.  had the annual Harvest banquet at church with some more friends and families. used a couple nights off work to go visit some more family-friends. i loved it all and had a blast. 

but because i love honesty, i gotta say that while there are things i am ever-so grateful for, there are things that i don't know how to be thankful for.  i really don't. if you want to help me out and think i haven't already heard a dozen sermons on how to be thankful for everything, it's okay.  i have.  so many trials that i am in the midst of overcoming, battles still being fought, energy running low, no end in sight yet.  things i can only share with Aslan… or a therapist. or the cat- but only when he's sleeping. which is the vast majority of the time.

sometimes it's not the sermons that say the most. sometimes it's the sweet quiet songs that you've heard a thousand times, but the thousand and first time is different, and at just the right time.  

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ

we pray for blessing, we pray for peace;

comfort for family, protection while we sleep.

we pray for healing, for prosperity;

we pray for your mighty hand to ease our suffering.

all the while, you hear each spoken need.

yet love is way too much to give us lesser things.

'cause what if your blessings come through raindrops?

what if your healing comes through tears?

what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?  what if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?

we pray for wisdom, your voice to hear;

we cry in anger when we cannot feel you near.

we doubt your goodness, we doubt your love,

as if every promise from your word is not enough.

all the while you hear each desperate plea

and long that we'd have faith to believe.

when friends betray us, when darkness seems to win, we know that pain reminds this heart that this is not, this is not our home.

'cause what if your blessings come through raindrops?

what if your healing comes through tears?

what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?

what my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life

is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.

what if trials of this life, the rain the storms the hardest nights, are your mercies in disguise?

this song rose up and hit me right at the point in my workout where you're finally worn out and can stop fighting the weights, get in a rhythm and listen to the words instead of the ragged breaths.  taking in the message just like oxygen and letting the resistance ride out on the carbon dioxide. 

breathing is a freakin' miracle, people.

there are a lot of things that i am just not thankful for right now.  situations i can't turn around, wounds i can't heal,  hearts i can't change, time i can't bring back, redo, change, or make fly.  a ton of tears cried, many more to come.  no band-aid big enough for some of this nonsense. some days i feel i just need a spiritual body cast.

my thankfulness list is a bit shorter than alot of people's just because of some things that i don't have.  biological family members: 800 miles away physically, light years away emotionally.  no home- just an apartment.  no huge thanksgiving dinner spread- a crock pot recipe so i'll have leftover for the next week. at least. and cereal.  i stinkin' love breakfast cereal. love it, love it, love it!!!

but i am thankful for the most important things.

four years before this past friday, i finally found a measure of peace that i'd never known before.  the gift of salvation- the smallest, plainest box in the pile of presents that, once opened,  keeps on pouring out amazingness constantly- a little each day, more than enough to get by, never empty, always there.

the perfect life, the family, the home that other people all have on their lists that i don't… i've got all that waiting for me.  i'd love a set of all that down here, but the only thing i know is that it could never be as spectacular as the complete set up there.  this "life" we've got ain't half as real as we think.  by the time we're old crusty octogenarians and about to set sail with Michael across the Jordan, we'll only have finished the table of contents page.  the real story only begins there.   

sometimes it just takes crummy circumstances to remember it.  the thirst is there; it just can't be satisfied here. so i will wait.  i don't know how many more thanksgivings i'll have to wait through, but i will.  i will keep on being thankful for this pre-life, and keep looking forward to the next one.  no, i do not think that's morbid at all.  i think it's exciting.  it's the whole point of the gift of salvation- the promise now of a fantastic "later." a guaranteed eternal victory after a short struggle (though it feel like ages in the midst of it).  small little candle burning now, illuminating the invitation to the biggest bonfire ever, complete with s'mores. i love s'mores, too- almost as much as cereal :) 

so, happy thanksgiving, people. i am thankful for you.  and heating fans, potted plants, drawing pencils and this silly poofy cat.  enjoy your feasting and family and celebrate. now and later.