how to save a life.

today, since working on a cardiac unit counts for squat, i was given the opportunity to keep my job by showing up for my Basic Life Support and Advanced Cardiovascular Life Support refresher class.  because you never know how, when or where it may happen, and a non-hospital employee  or facebook friend may have to assist me, i have collected a small sample of pearls from my musings to share with you, the general public internet world, in order that you may be as effective as any second-person responder could be.

• wendy's will kill us all some day. i was not aware of the depth of their animosity towards human life until this afternoon. it has been multiple years since i have eaten fast food beyond Chick-Fil-A, and ironically enough i chose the lunch break of our ACLS class to experience Wendy's food.  there was literally a small puddle of grease in the bottom of the cardboard burger box.  warning bells across the nation should have been sounding, but hunger and a short time frame with limited options won the argument.  the non-soggy half of the burger tasted good .  at least, it did then.  it is now waging war with my stomach.  i think i'll win, but only by my iron will.  let me simply say it will be another several years before i feel hungry enough to try that again.
• apparently, it's now a mannikin, not a mannequin.  how this slipped past everyone's spell check, i have no explanation for.  i guess our plastic peeps are just too hip to have a "qu" in their name or to abide by basic principles of standard English, the language of our ancestors who are struggling against rigor mortis to thrash about in their graves over the nightmarish abuses of text-talk.  blood has been shed for less- i hope the victims didn't know that it would all be in vain.
• do something. only in Acts 5 are you justified in watching someone give out in front of your face and walking away.  the apostle Peter wasn't certified in ACLS, but the scene was already verified to not be safe anyway. if you accidentally mess up the 30:2 compressions:breath ratio, it's not going to kill them any faster than 0 compressions. it might make the victim angry enough to revive and punch you in the face for crunching their rib cage in half, but hey- there's your confirmation that you've achieved ROSC, so you're good!!
• take everything you've seen Dr House and his team do… and pitch it.  biggest. lie. ever.  if a code ever happened like that and we revived our patients in 3 shocks and 15 seconds, then i wouldn't have needed to spend 9 hours learning this stuff.  here's the first nugget of truth: the doctor in a real code is the LAST person there, sometimes by about 2 hours.  Doc, we can run a full code, have a foley and 2 IVs started with a saline bolus, insert an airway and have that bed halfway down the hall towards the ICU before that operator is done announcing that there's even BEEN a code. nurses are seriously under-represented on that show. it takes more than a white coat and some defib paddles, Chase!
• it's incredibly therapeutic to see a doctor sweat out the problem in front of you. i was blessed to sit next to and partner with one of our doctors.  i was kinda happy that he got nervous a couple times and even made a few minor mistakes.  we saved those dumb dummies anyway!! not that we will ever be facebook friends, but there is a certain amount of camaraderie between folks who've suffered through AHA's educational videos side by side.  next time i am required to page him at 0230, i hope he remembers this. if not, i may have to remind him.  dude, the pointy end of the mask goes UP ;)
• be terrified.  live in constant paranoia. know that at any second some freaky stranger could just fall out right in your same aisle at Kroger's, fully expecting you to spontaneously convince their heart to start beating again.  shouldn't be too hard, right?  HA!