a re-thought.

the pre-thought has retreated deep into the innermost portions of my cerebrum, so i'm sure that means it's working on something brilliant.  i'll do my best to share once i know, but it might not be recognizable to anyone else. 

i think the main problem to that is because i generally have my best thoughts while i am in the bathroom for whatever reason, and the awesomeness increases as the time of night gets later.  i'll spend most of the time struggling to maintain consciousness and then suddenly a thought will burst through with such clarity and force that it'll take me another 5 minutes to absorb the shock and finish the shower or hair brushing or tooth brushing or cleaning or whatever.  it's quite incredible to behold...even though none of you have beheld me brush my teeth and get inspired at the same time before :) and for some reason, my roommates are not always as impressed the next morning as i was in the middle of the night. 

my last middle-of-night thought told me all the things i had meant to say a couple posts ago, but hadn't.  my brain processes stuff so much faster than i can type it out that i think i lose alot of the content, and don't explain things as well as i want to.  of course, if i did type it all out, it'd be so long none of you would read it anyway, so i guess we'll all just have to take what we can get. 

i went a full 8+ hour shift on my unit today, and it felt like several more.  i gave a couple shots, gave a bunch of pills, pulled an arterial line, and chased around the nurse as she managed 5 patients with ease.  i can't wait until i can do that without  wondering what my next mistake will be. 

i want to be perfect.  now.  and that's sooooo not going to happen this side of the river.  i felt alot more confident than i did wearing those white scrubs and being under the scrutiny of several nurses and teachers at once, but i know that i am lacking- obviously.  i've been an RN for what- 3 weeks?  i was working on a large drawing today after work, one i started a bit after graduation.  it's getting to the really tedious part, where i have to be incredibly careful or risk making it look a bit "off" once it's done.  against my normal drawing habits, i went ahead and actually did what the art teacher at Union had told me to do.  i sat back and just looked at how crisp and clean - and good- it looked. it just made me happy.  so happy, in fact, that i couldn't continue today.  i wondered for a little bit if that's how God works on people.  probably not, but it would make a good emotional devotional, wouldn't it?  God doesn't just go "BAM!! Be perfect!".  Instead He works on us, bit by bit.  He puts us out of our comfort zone, makes us do things we might not want to, then sometimes lets us see the effect as we become that much more like Him.  it's a process.  i am apparently much more patient with the drawing than i am with myself.  it's hard to know where to draw the line between being patient with  myself and just learning from "opportunities" and being lazy, not wanting to change.  i think both are part of the process simply because we're not done.  or rather, He's not done with us.  i am very very happy about that last part.  couldn't even tell ya how thrilled i am, knowing that i am so far from perfect now but that there is a time coming when i will be- complete.  done.  a finished work of [he]art. 

so i'm going to re-pot my schifflera and take long happy looks at the drawing. 

tomorrow's a weekend, and that means sleeping in (YES!!!!!), no 8 am classes or clinicals, and then some shopping for some shoes to wear for a friend's wedding.  and tell the apartment people that one more light rain will probably cause the entire building to fall down around my ears.  my guess is that at least half that wall has been eaten by those snails and their second-cousins the slugs. 

sorry that took a completely not-spiritual turn.  i can't be all insight all the time- it's only 9 o'clock and i'm in the living room :P