waiting...

"I do think," said Shasta, "that i must be the most unfortunate boy that ever lives in the whole world"... And being very tired and having nothing inside him, he felt so sorry for himself that the tears rolled down his cheeks.

What put a stop to all this was a sudden fright. Shasta discovered someone or somebody was walking beside him. It was pitch dark and he could see nothing...At last he could bear it no longer.

"Who are you?" he said, scarcely above a whisper.

"One who has waited long for you to speak'" said the Thing..."that is not the breath of a ghost. Tell me your sorrows."

Shasta was a little reassured by the breath: so he told how he had never known his real father or mother and had been brought up sternly by the fisherman.  And then he told the story of his escape and how they were chased by lions and forced to swim for their lives; and of all their dangers in Tashbaan and about his night among the tombs and how the beasts howled at him out of the desert.  And he told about the heat and thirst of their desert journey and how they were almost at their goal when another lion chased them and wounded Aravis.  And also, how very long it was since he had anything to eat.

"I do not call you unfortunate," said the Large Voice.

"Don't you think it was bad luck to meet so many lions?" asked Shasta.

"There was only one lion," said the Voice.

"How do you know?"

"I was the lion." And as Shasta gaped with open mouth and said nothing, the Voice continued. "I was the lion who forced you to join with Aravis. I was the cat who comforted you among the houses of the dead. I was the lion who drove the jackals from you while you slept. I was the lion who gave the Horses the new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time. And i was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay, a child near death, so that it came to shore where a man sat, wakeful at midnight, to receive you."

"Then it was you who wounded Aravis?"

"It was I."

"But what for?"
"Child," said the Voice, "I am telling you your story, not hers. I tell no one any story but their own."

"Who are you?" asked Shasta.

"Myself," said the Voice, very deep and low so that the earth shook: and again "Myself," so loud and clear and gay; and then the third time "Myself," whispered so softly you could hardly hear it, and yet it seemed to come from all round you as if the leaves rustled with it.

 

(The Horse and His Boy, by C. S. Lewis pages 172-176)

********

this section from The Horse and His Boy is what switched it from my least favorite to my favorite of the Chronicles of Narnia.  i never knew what it was like to be Shasta until i discovered that i really was.  this is the Narnia retelling of the "Footprints in the Sand" poem that makes no sense and sounds cheesier than possible until you've been there. and it takes absolutely forever to get there.  and in this world, there's no guarantee that Aslan is going to show up and explain with nice, clear bullet pointed-PowerPoint slides how every piece of your story fits together, how every trial was really a blessing in disguise, how every question has a perfectly acceptable answer.  if i were Shasta, i can tell you i would not have stopped arguing my point when he did.

the fact that Aslan even bothered to take the time with Shasta is enough for me, however.  being the incredible One that He is, He even let Shasta go first.  He invited him to, asked him to.

i have spent so much time alone and in the dark over the last several months that i can sympathize more than ever before with that poor dumb boy on the poor dumb horse. if Aslan showed up and asked for a list of grievances from me, it would take me too little time to throw it all down on several Post-its, color-coordinated alphabetically and by order of significance.  why the world is so screwed up, why my life can seem so screwed up, why horrid people do horrid things, why my problems can't be solved in 45 minutes or less like a tv show, why i'm not a princess and why there's no prince handy to fix my every dilemma. why people still have heart attacks and pneumonia over the holidays so neither they nor i get to relax with friends and family. why clothes have to be ironed and rusty pans take so much scrubbing before they shine.

but the greater-than-Aslan still says, "Come. Sit here a while and tell me all about it. Stay longer and hear from me. Let's talk." 

"Myself" is almost as close to "Yahweh" that the English language comes.  Yahweh- the first name God uses to introduce Himself to a mere human.  the name on the covenant. the name that began a relationship between Creator-God and created man. infinitely large and powerful, yet infinitely small and meticulous and detailed. the Yahweh wants to hear from us... from me.  i'm having a very similar conversation with the Large Voice tonight. and as much as i still struggle with the staying-longer and hearing part, i'm taking the first step (again) in trying. i keep getting side-tracked before we ever reach the end of the conversation that began a good many years ago, actually.   

i don't need to have all the answers to all those questions.  He's letting me see my story, not anyone else's, except how they are all really His story.  whatever page you're on, stop every once in a while, listen for the voice; wait for it- it's waiting for you.

bring it on, bonheoffer!

no, i haven't died- all 7 of you who read this can rest assured :P

it's just been one of those… summers… where everyone else has all this free time and can't wait until they can send their kids back to school and the heat backs off and they are spending their  time gardening and cooking and vacations and tanning by the pool.  and then there's me, thinking "if only i could get people to coordinate their heart attacks." because then i'd get a summer break, too.  but i can't and so i don't.  i've been working one or two nights, with one or two nights in between, for a good number of weeks and it leaves little time for things like blogs. or anything else.

but i have had just enough time recently (like, the past week or two) to do some thinking. (yeah...haven't had much time for that either until now).  and because i'm probably going to have to wait a bit before i do much of it again, my brain went from "oh-look!  silence! let's think about something happy, like flowers" to "let's re-evaluate everything in your whole life.  right now."

yup.

the problem: it's a pretty short list right now.  basically, i have a handful of values and beliefs that just aren't going anywhere.  but then there's me, and i don't seem to be going anywhere, either.  which just feels weird.

we're chugging away through the Bible and seem to be perpetually stuck in the OT histories, an endless cycle of sin, prophets, judgement, redemption, and then right back to sin.  a ton of those kings never even got halfway through the cycle because they were such jerks they got themselves and their families executed in an extraordinarily short amount of time (like, a week after gaining the throne).  

but more than the rebellious kings, what is getting to me this time is those prophets.  daggum, it is not glorious.  not at all.  i do not envy their occupation.  however, they didn't get to choose it.  they were told to go be a witness, to all kinds of people in ALLLLL kinds of ways.  and they didn't even stop to say "Yes, Lord." the next verse is them talking to others, telling them there's another way, a righteous way, to go. 

now the problem continues: in addition to those values and beliefs, there are a couple goals and dreams.  but for the most part….that part of the list is already done and accomplished.  the other few i don't have a whole lot of say in, or else maybe i'll toss them out or cross them off. 

elijah, jeremiah, isaiah, jonah, ezekiel- none of them had too many plans that God thought were more important than His. jonah disagreed for a bit, but he was overruled.  every one of them were sitting around enjoying daily life when out of the blue, God told them to drop what they were doing and enter into a mysterious and insane mission with nothing to lean on but a promise- and so they did. 

couple hundred years later, a couple poor fishermen and a tax collector and some of their buddies make the same choice without even a promise.  two words, "follow" and "me" and they're all in.  practically speaking, THEY'RE BONKERS.

fast forward a couple thousand years and then there's us.  enjoying our daily lives, not worrying about too much, making our summer plans… what if something random and crazy fell out of the sky and landed on your front porch (if you have one). something telling you there's more out there, and there are people on the other side of the globe that don't know about it.  and you're supposed to tell them. 

if that "you" changes to "me" all of a sudden i hush up. i feel like i'd want to be more like jonah than jeremiah.   jackson, tennessee is not exactly the promised land, but i doubt that i have the nerve to pluck up and move. 

bonhoeffer, in his eloquently composed "The Cost of Discipleship" had a section just on this.  we hold back- and we've been given ten times the promises and guidelines that the apostles were.  one of them was that it wasn't going to be easy.  but another one was that it would be totally worth it.  he lost me on a couple of his general principles, but i kinda wanna go back and read those sections before i decide to take on a guy like Bonheoffer. 

right now, i watching 3 of my favorite people on earth pack up and prepare to leave this end of a very long state and move to the other end.  they were told to go and so they are going.  part of me wishes that i had a place to go on to, to feel like i'm moving forward and actually doing something….and the other part really wants me to settle down here, get to the point where i'm more comfortable with calling this place my home.  the other other part of me is confused and politely declines to make a statement at this time. 

what am i going to do? well, i'm going to go to bed because it is almost 3 am.  then i'm going to wake up and get ready for work tomorrow night.  and i'm going to work as though tomorrow night will be the last time i see anyone there, knowing that at any time it may actually be.  i might be headed the exact wrong direction, but i do have every confidence that at the right time, God is strong enough to break through my brain and turn the lightbulb on.

and if i get swallowed by a beluga whale in the process, well, the life of an un-extraordinary prophet ain't all blueberries and bubble baths- but what a great story to tell later on!! 

another different sort of vacation

they just keep on comin' don’t they?

one of these weeks i'll get the kind of vacation where there's an actual break from working, driving and generalized chaos.

this time, after sleeping a little bit and then working alot, i was in my trusty little Vibe barreling down I-40 towards Virginia, specifically the Richmond area.  on both ends (or thereabouts) of VBS week, both of my grandparents celebrated their 80th birthdays, and so our whole half of the family tree decided we were going to celebrate it.  by working!!!  we were going to do some MAJOR tidying up, doing all the chores and cleaning and housework that they could no longer do themselves.  and then eat and play and talk alot, too.  and eat a MASSIVE cake.

i showed up early because i could and claimed a spot in my grandparents' house to sleep, and the next day  family members came in from 4 states.  except for the older younger brother (who is studying abroad in New Zealand, the lucky guy), we were all together for the first time in almost 2 years (thanksgiving 2010).

i tried the same thing i did last time i drove up, and left Jackson around 6 pm and drove for the entire night.  most of the problems i've had driving were dealing with the other drivers who somehow sneaked through the DMV and got licenses despite their general incapability of minding basic rules of the road (like, "NO!  that's INTERSTATE 81, not SPEED LIMIT 81!!!")  or trucks deciding that they NEED to be EXACTLY where that little bitty car is RIGHT NOW.  forget blinkers- those are for the commoners.  oh look- one of its tires exploded.  super!!! how many accidents can we cause in 1 hour?  i swear i saw one grin and add a notch to his dashboard tally last year.

well at night time, 95% of those irritating road companions are not there, making it in general the most time and energy efficient way to go, especially since i'm night shift and am most alert then anyway.

this time, however, i guess i was just not alert to the things i needed to be.  i'd been going through a generally rough time for a couple weeks, and was not completely sure that spending long periods of time with family members was the right way to relax (yes, a weekend is a "long time" to some of us).

all of a sudden, i look again at the car way in front of me.  the brake lights are on.  i slow down a bit, and 2 seconds later realize that i am gaining on the car much faster than expected.  i slow down more...not enough.  one glance shows a car tailing me, with a car tailing HIM.  (see?  it's not nighttime quite yet, so the crazies are still out!!!)

basically this leads to me doing a rather spectacular 65-0 mph in a spectacularly short amount of time and space.

as it turns out, there was road work involving a 2-lane to 1-lane deal, and there was a STOPPED (not slowed) line of cars.  with no scenery and a straight flat highway, i had NO perspective, NO way to tell.  there was some chaos behind me, but no accidents like there almost was.

i recovered my breath and kept on chugging.

not more than a couple hours later- still during daylight hours, i crest the top of a gentle tennessee hill and find the majority of an exploded truck tire directly in front of me.  Reason #73 why i hate trucks (there are alot...but their tires are a major part of the list).  without blinking, thinking, breathing or looking, i swerve around it.  hitting a truck tire at 70 miles an hour is instant death.  this fact does not escape me- in fact, is causes my heart rate to shoot up, my leg muscles to cramp on that brake pedal like crazy, my vision to freeze and goosebumps to show up everywhere.  it would have made for an awesome cartoon picture, with my left side tires off the ground, giant swooshes around the car, and the fastest "save me" prayer ever prayed.  ever. 

1 am revealed a deer in my lane, trotting about just on the periphery of my vision illuminated by my headlights.  i did the same move i practiced with the truck tire and again narrowly avoided serious injury, if not worse.

pssh-the rest of the trip was smooth as can be.  i did not need the extra coffee to stay awake and was twitching with relief when i finally arrived at 8 am and stepped into the cute little house where my grandparents have lived for almost 50 of their almost 58-year marriage.

one thing i find so great about my grandparents is how they take life- one day at a time.  every day for as long as he can remember (which is a long time) he goes outside during the summer and counts how many day lilies are in bloom that day. there were only 7 today because the patch by the house was almost done for the year but the ones by the garage are only now starting to come out.  this year is about to blow last year's total right out of the water.

somehow, knowing how close last wednesday was to being my last day to bloom makes me want to make THIS wednesday different.  3 hours of it are already gone!  3 more hours that were never promised to me.

but what WAS promised was that God already knows.  and He was there on I-40 (and the dumb deer on I-81) that night.  and He used even a stupid (stupid, STUPID) truck tire to tell me so, in no uncertain terms.  i needed the diversion- to quit focusing on what's "wrong" and instead to just see what "is."  before the "is" becomes a "was." don't miss or neglect what He gave you now, even if it looks really sucky- He gave it and wants to be with you for/with/despite it.

may you never encounter a truck tire in your lane, but may you ever live like it's RIGHT THERE.  because something, anyway, IS.

a differnt sort of vacation

i don't even know how long it's been since i've last posted, but it's been one of those...months, actually.  so this is more like me catching up on my journal writing as well as proving to my 7 followers that i have not died :P  so it might mean more to me than anyone else, but hey- nobody's making you read it!!

this is ending 4 solid weeks of pure, unadulterated craziness on the highest level i can remember.  some of it worth that title, most of it not :P

the pinnacle, however, was worth it, and a whole lot more.  i'm not sure how much more i would have gone through for it, because there's not a whole lot more that COULD have happened, but i'm putting a big ole' glittery star sticker by last week on the calendar.

VBS Week!!!

the treasure of school-aged kids in the Bible belt, the nightmare of, well, almost everyone else who's actually ever helped with the planning, coordinating, decorating, studying, organizing, advertising, UN-decorating, cleaning, teaching, or any other aspect of the multi-faceted summertime affair.

i could sign my name next to at least half of those tasks, but i loved it.  every minute.  being a transplant from the northeast, this church family has become MY family of a sort, which means Vacation Bible School is all the family vacation i get- a whole week hanging out at church with my family members doing all kinds of crazy things with one common goal- to tell people about Jesus.  seriously, how much better could it get?

this year, i was elected lead teacher for one of the two Pre-K classes.  apparently i didn't screw up too badly last year in the same position ;)  the only people who were as excited about this as i was were probably the other teachers who were glad to NOT have the pre-schoolers.  but on top of all the chaos outside of church, i was able to happily plod along with planning, remembering how great it was last year with my little band of 8 three year olds holding on to their rope going between rooms and hallways.

nobody told me my numbers were doubling this year. that part got left out.

the only reason i survived was because these were some of the best behaved 3 year olds i have ever met, so 15 of them was manageable.  they were even pretty smart.  and adorable beyond compare.  i have got to say that even during the expected Thursday Morning Emotional Breakdown (which actually struck them all on tuesday this year instead), they still listened better than i'd hoped.

for my position as lead teacher, the only part i actually had to prepare for was the bible story part.  other people took care of crafts, games and snacks.  20 minutes to tell a story, do an activity and hope like mad some of it stuck.  this year's theme was about how God has control over nature, circumstances, death, my life, and i totally forget what the 5th one was.  and because of… i don't know what, this year again the pre-schoolers had different Bible stories from the older kids.

what i DID like was that LifeWay is incorporating relevant but more obscure Bible stories in their lessons.   Noah, Jonah, and Daniel in the lion's den are great, but so are the other guys!!

but anyway, these 20 minutes was MY time with the cute little tykes.  completely surrounded on the floor by tiny faces while 2 assistant Life Savers (as i call them) ran around doing potty breaks, drying tears, hushing the back-row-ers, and offering extra laps to sit in.

i think the best thing about the whole week is that you absolutely NEVER know what on earth the youngest kids are learning, except that it's probably not what YOUR main goal was.

the first day our story was on Joshua leading the people across the Jordan after God stopped the water so His people could get back home.  then they build a huge pile of rocks so they would always remember what God did for them.  we built a huge pile of shoeboxes, each kids adding one after they said something God did (with...a whole lot of prompting) for them.  even the most rambunctious child Max, who desperately wanted to pounce on the tower refrained after i told him once, permanently securing a prime spot in my heart.

the second day we re-enacted the battle of jericho, despite the breakdown.  wednesday was about simeon and anna meeting baby Jesus at the temple.  once they got over the baby doll i was holding and making sure the pacifier stayed in its mouth (like Teacher, seriously- take care of Baby Jesus!!) i was awestruck that my impromptu idea worked- we had every kid take a turn holding the baby doll and saying their bible verse ("God loved us and sent His son Jesus.") then each kid got to hug it and pass it on.  there was this serene quiet, entirely out of place in a room with 15 pre-K-ers.  but they loved it. 

i think the funniest part of all VBS with these kids was thursday.  i was struggling because i'd just worked my 3rd night shift at the hospital for the week and was running on fumes and donuts by this point.  and our story was about Jesus and Mary Magdalene in the garden after the resurrection and how amazing it is that Jesus ROSE FROM THE STINKIN' DEAD after dying for our sins, securing our faith in this world and our eternity in the next world coming.  kinda epic, huh? 

okay, first of all, they can't even PRONOUNCE "mary magdalene." much less remember it 5 seconds later.

additionally, they have no real concept of death.  at all. they've never lost a parent or friend or anyone close to death and if they have they don't remember it or think they're sleeping. 

my assistant teacher assured me i did a great job and that they were all listening, but i could tell that they could honestly care less.  i still thought it was funny- the best, most incredible even in all history… and the significance was 100% lost on them!! 

my one wish for this week is that i am still around when the lightbulb turns on for at least one of them.  when suddenly a non-dead best friend stopping the exhausted tears of a lonely woman in the early morning garden… when that story becomes more exciting than an army marching around a city and having the walls fall down with a shout.

anyway, coming back friday, i held up the previous day's picture and got- nothing.  a quick review of each story's big color picture revealed that monday and tuesday were still the highlight and simeon, anna and mary will just have to chill.  our last story was about the Good Samaritan and how we can't give God a hug or share our toys with Him or have a cheeseburger and milkshake lunch date with Him, we can do the same things for a friend… or even better, a non-friend or stranger, and show God we love Him that way instead.

i think the most life-changing 5 seconds of those 20 minutes were immediately following when i told these wonderful, well-behaved children that some GROWN UPS actually picked up some rocks and sticks and HIT ANOTHER ADULT.  they were shocked.  i actually heard a gasp or two.  leaving him to die by the side of the road was almost too much for them to handle.  i was fighting back laughter at the impact this story was having on their minds (especially post resurrection-storytime).  i got such a kick we all told the story AGAIN to 3 kids who missed it due to an emergency potty break.  they couldn't possibly believe that 2 men would walk on past, but were all relieved when Mr. Good Samaritan came by and put some "special band-aids" on his "ouchies" (or "boo-boos").  which led to all of them showing off the cuts, scrapes, and bruises that covered their ankles, legs, arms and faces. 

but they ALL know that God stopped the water so His people could get back home.  and Jaelyn always remembers the part about building a tower to remember what God has done.

i'm positive i'm the only one who missed VBS so much last week, after i slept for an entire weekend to recover.  i still have a couple songs going through my head, but i'm okay with that.  they will tide me over until AWANA starts again :)

so there was absolutely no rest (like, literally) for me that whole week physically, but in every other way i was refreshed- hopefully enough until next year!!

1, 2, 3, and 4. success.

i have no teaching or education training or experience. at all. but i do know that this past month contained a whole ton of test taking for tennessean students.

the teachers don't have papers in front of them, but i bet they feel like they're being tested, too. 

that moment for us Cubbies teachers happened last wednesday when the leader waltzed in and handed out construction paper telling all our adorable 4 year olds to draw a picture of their favorite thing about AWANA.  i was sitting on the floor overseeing an intense game of "frogs and alligators (some kids pretend to be frogs and either jump around on the carpet square-lillypads or just run around while the "alligators" wave their arms and run around chasing the frogs with no respect to the lillypads whatsoever.  it's a favorite.)  i decided to stay on the floor and offer a meager smile for whatever was about to come out their mouths or on their papers.  the leader went around, looking at the pictures and asking what on earth they had drawn (that's kinda the only way to know what it is).  one kid said "ceiling lights." another: snack.  a third had drawn his family.  i looked at the other teacher and she looked at me.  seriously?  a whole school year spent so they could learn… about snack time and ceiling tiles.

after coloring we two got them corralled up and sitting for Carpet Time one last time and asked them again what they had learned.  a couple more silly answers, a plea or two for a bathroom run, the always-available Sunday School Answer for Everything: "Jesus!!!". 

Hannah said something about Jesus riding on a donkey.  all the boys knew the Bible verse that went with that ("Hosanna, blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord!") and with a bit of prompting Michael, Eli, Isaac, Caiden, Lucas, Hannah and Faith were able to piece together the story they loved so much a month or two ago. Jack was trying to undo my watch and pull strings from the carpet square and taking his shoes off.

i looked Jack square in the face: "Jack, tell me something you learned about God or Jesus here at AWANA."

Jack: "uuummm, He died."

that's our Jack for ya.

Me: "no way!! what happened after that?"

Jack: "He rose again!!!" 

Game time next, which was always followed by our game leaders asking our kids what the Cubbies' motto is.  they love this part especially when the teachers play deaf and they have to yell it even louder.  to hear so much noise come from such tiny bodies is amazing in itself.  equally amazing is the truth they are shouting out though probably only a half a smidgen of it has sunk into their minds.  "Jesus loves me!!" is the barely restrained answer each week concluding game time.

AWANA's last official meeting was last week, and afterwards Ms Sherrie and i looked and smiled at each other.

8-10 four years olds spend an entire school year learning:

1. Jesus rode a donkey.

2. Jesus died.

3. Jesus rose again.

4. Jesus loves them.

if you can make a better list of things that every 4 year old on earth needs to know, then you can call AWANA a complete waste of time.

i am completely satisfied.  knowing the majority of my friends still take naps and think all Bibles come with google-eyed cartoon pictures doesn't upset me at all.  those little tykes easily made AWANA the best 90 minutes of my week.  i think i'd get some looks if i told anyone else in the building that, but whatever.

i think this past year was nothing short of a smashing success.

Easter dreams are the best!!

She sat there.  still.  holding her breath.  alone. knowing, and dreading the impending sounds about to hit her ears. her brain was fried, senses so sharpened she wanted to cover her ears from the deafening boom coming.

the gavel rose…

she was so exhausted. the proceedings had gone on forever, it seemed. day after day for years she had sat in the same hard wooden chair that was just NOT designed for comfort.  but i guess when you're the accused and your life is at stake, a bit of discomfort is non-consequential. dozens of witnesses, questions, answers, cross-questionings...all saying the same thing.  there could really only be one conclusion and at some point a good long time ago even the defense attorney had realized this and booked it. she could turn her head a tad and see some family members in attendance… and a couple more sitting with the crowd of witnesses.  no smiles, just faces so bored and glazed-over you couldn't help but think of the stale donuts left over in the back room. no point in putting a happy face on a dismal situation.  no point now in pretending; it was even written all over the jurors' faces.  no point in hoping.  there was no fall-back, no safety net, nothing.  the jury filed out, turned around and filed back in before the swinging door had reversed its direction.  the judge's gavel, which was already in the air, rose higher.  the defendant stood on shaky, stiff knees, head bowed.

but before the judge let it fall, the door in the back opens, as does the judge's mouth.  she peeked- and saw the most...ordinary man ever. so ordinary it was extraordinary. a completely unreadable face.  no fear- sadness. peace.  determination.

hope.

for her.

he walked forward, straight up to the bench, then took a right.  up to her.

"Step down." he held out his hand and she was numb enough to wordlessly obey.  she stood there a bit sheepishly as the man stood in front of that blasted hard chair.  turning back to the judge, whose hand was still in the air and whose mouth was still open, he simply said, "Proceed, your Honor."

"Are you sure you want to do that?  Do you have any idea what is happening here?"

"Yes, to both."

"But a LIFE is at stake here!!"

"Yes. My life, now. Whatever the sentence, I will pay."

"Sir, you have one more chance to step down."

he stood. three seconds later he was pronounced guilty and without a twitch let the guards lead him out. 

one backward glance- that's all she got.  but it was enough. twenty years of guilt, sorrow, hurt: gone.  one backward glance washed away every sort of negative emotion, any cries of sympathy and guilt, and left not much else.  of the entire range of conceivable human emotion, only these three remained: faith, hope, and… love.  faith as she'd only heard rumors of, hope she'd never believed attainable and love unspeakable.

she woke up, a couple years later, but no less real. 

a couple bad days, a couple bad nights at work- it doesn't take much for her to remember where it all began.  but it only takes one good day, like this one, to remember also where it all ended so that she could begin again.   the chair… the ugly, old, chair sat off in a corner.  an instant reminder- not of herself though.  of him.  the one extraordinarily typical man who took her place because of love. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

it's only half a dream.  maybe less, maybe more.  not sure how awake i really was last night when it kind of planted itself in front of me. 

mostly i just remember  several days ago.  yet another flashback that basically pinpointed my weak points and routed my defenses.  frustrated at the idea of another skirmish lost, a thought came to me. a single word.

"Tetelestai."

It is finished.  it's done.  DONE!!! 

the Savior said it. if He's done with it, so am I.  the feeling of a burden lifted again- exhilarating!

to tell the truth, the memories may always be there. but to tell the Truth..it's okay.  the gavel's down, lawyers gone home.  just me and a wonderful, hideous cross of wood that shouts a louder sentence than "Guilty."  it says, "Justified."

totally worthy of a celebration- more than one a year, i think.  in a moment of tiredness and humanness, i spent too much of an evening (the same evening as the dream, actually) upset that i was scheduled to work on Easter.  i let myself have a pity party and then said- I'm done with this nonsense.  let the co-workers have this sunday off- i will more than make up for any lost celebrating on the last, greatest and longest Easter day.  the one that will never ever ever ever ever end and that will have absolutely NO need for night shift nurses.  because there will be no sick people and not a shadow to be seen... at least not where i'll be- at the feet of my Judge-turned- Father/Redeemer getting more than just a passing backward glance of His face :)

the deuts are on to me!

so after days and days and more days of reading Deuteronomy, the last book of the Pentateuch is drawing to a close… in just a couple more days.  it is still a struggle to keep going on, especially on days when i would much prefer to read a book with, i dunno, something more of a plot line.  most of the past 28 chapters has been Moses standing in front of thousands and repeating to them everything we heard about in Leviticus.  it makes sense- they had 40 years to forget everything and we only had a week or two...and yet we mess up just as bad and as often as they did. 

i was in one of those "i'm sick of it all" moods driving to work one evening, and MercyMe just saved the whole Pentateuch for me.  That CD had been in the player for a while because i brought all the other CDs inside, so nothing to replace it with.

and they played me this song:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYohmsvlA10&feature=related

and it made me so happy i played it a couple more times until i got it totally stuck in my head so it could then play indefinitely, whether or not i was in the car.

it put such a perky view on the Law i couldn't help but appreciate it.  while i know that God was very serious about the laws He gave, it was so that He could bless them, those around them, and thereby bring glory to His name.  a quick read shows only 600-something rules that are overly restrictive, random,  and so inconsequential that i can see all those isrealites rolling their eyes and obey, but only grudgingly.  He wanted them to follow out of love, there's just no easy way to state that without it being yet another law, not love.

my next thought was "i wonder how much better they could have remembered those rules if moses had just rock 'n rolled it :)  oh wait- those robes might get in the way.  

but i do love how songs are such great ways to remind ourselves of things otherwise forgotten. and how approaching the Law with a positive, love-based outlook does much better than just counting the tassels on your robe with a sigh.  i feel so bad for all the pharisees who just never "got it," even when Jesus said it plainly to their faces and lived it out in public for years.  i don't mock them, because i WAS them until my eyes were finally opened to the real Law behind the law. 

so hooray for laws and grace sufficient to cover our long long trail of failures.  maybe deuteronomy is not quite so bad afterall!