the big IF

i hate realizing new areas where i lack discipline, or screw up or disappoint.  i already know it's a long list, and i've even been told the list- not even kidding you.  one of those areas is prayer. to be brutally honest, i rarely enjoy it. maybe i'm doing it wrong, but even still, i must confess that 99.4% of the time it is a struggle and most days of the week it might be right on the top of things to fall off the to-do list. 

it took me an age, but i came to realize one of my major obstacles was that i simply couldn't tell any difference in my prayers.  i love our church's women's prayer group, hearing from the others what's going on in their lives, and taking turns praying for each other… but it's hard to say for the hundredth time that my prayer request is the same as the month before and that i can't see any change in my situation.  especially on those nights when several in the group are celebrating spiritual victories and obstacles overcome.  i've spent most of the past few years fighting just to keep up with daily life.  i know it can't really be true, but when i don't see any tangible evidence it's super hard to back up the claim that prayer is powerful. i was jealous of seeing other people's prayers answered and mine not. they would say they had the same struggles- but daggum, they made it look easy. yup; i was a little green-eyed monster who couldn't see why their "IFs" came true and mine grew stale. that tiny word "IF" that carries so much possibility and hope within. seriously- just think of all the ideas and inventions and plans and mind-blowing, incredible things that have followed someone saying, "IF…" 

i commiserate closely with Martha and Mary who ran to Him with tears running in rivers down their faces as they each questioned Him.  they knew He was able, knew that He loved them, and could fathom no earthly reason why He wouldn't answer their prayer for Lazarus's healing. that word, "IF" just doesn't go away.  IF You had been here, Lazarus wouldn't be dead right now.  IF You had come.  IF we could see things from Your perspective. so many IFs that only become clear on the other side of the grave. so many of the miracles He performed began with an IF, a petition for His mercy as the wounded and poor and outcast and ailing clung to that hope before them of deliverance.

i don't know when this thought hit me like a brick in the face, but since it's right before Easter, everyone who sets foot in a church this week is going to hear about this passage.  and it's about what most would, under most any other circumstance, term an "unanswered prayer." it's an "IF" of epic proportions. even weirder, it's Jesus who's praying.

right after the Last Supper, Jesus goes with his few best friends to the garden of Gethsemane to pray, like they did all the time. they sang, they talked, they bonded.  then Jesus left 8 of them and took the last 3 and told them quite frankly, "I'm scared to death." He asked them to pray, and then went a couple trees away and prayed Himself.  He fell down on His knees and begged God Almighty to find some other way- any other way- to accomplish the task… the task of saving us.

it's not just once.  three separate times He prays the exact same thing.  because He's perfect, He willingly submits to God's will- but still, He prays for that cup to pass away. "IF there is ANY OTHER WAY, make this cup pass." 

every time He went back to check on Peter, James and John He found them dead asleep.  and it's only us who realize later that their eternity (and ours…) was hanging in the balance, and they're snoozing. i don't know about you, but i am immediately humbled by the thought of that prayer.  Jesus didn't have  to do anything.  He could have zapped right back to heaven and rejoined the Father and Holy Spirit and all the celestial beings in eternal perfection and left humanity to its fate. 

and He would have been thoroughly justified in doing so.

the only thing He gained by this, the greatest sacrifice, was us.  you.  me. that church member you secretly can't stand.  your boss who drives you bonkers. the neighbor down the street with the perfectly manicured lawn (…who sneers at yours while her dog pees by your mailbox…). that family member whose special talent is saying the wrong thing in a loud voice.  He took that cup for us.

can you imagine, just for a minute, if Jesus's prayer were answered and that cup just disappeared?

Luke 22:43 mentions an angel that comes to Him during this last, desperate prayer.  i wonder if it's one of the same ones that appears at the end of His first temptation, where He was even given that way out He requested.  The Devil himself offers Jesus the world. "You remember how You made me 'ruler of this world'?  Yeah, IF You bow down and worship me, i'll back off and give this whole place back to you." for Jesus, it's of course an unthinkable way to avoid the Cross. He'd known for ages that the ultimate purpose for those 33 years on this little planet was its redemption, and the Triune God had already designed how that redemption would happen.  but on some level, during that time in the wilderness, Jesus was still tempted.  Satan gave Him a way to take Earth away from his clutches, bypass Calvary altogether and all for the low price of a bow and a word of praise. He literally has an out, right there.

now a couple years later in the Garden, Jesus knows that no matter how many times He prays IF, our only hope is Him. He also knows that the only way to make our IFs possible is through His. 

i'm still not super glad most of the time for the IFs i juggle. but i'm coming to learn (slowly) that i will be grateful later on for each IF- the big ones, the little ones, the confusing ones, the painful ones, the scary ones. when i can't see the answers, it's not His fault- and there are answers (even if they are "no").

so i can pray knowing that each IF has an answer. 

i can pray in hope, just like every other person He ministered to. 

i can pray IF, because He hears and knows and understands. 

and i can pray knowing that "all the promises of God are Yes in Christ," and that not an ounce of that hope in Him is ever misplaced. because their prayer was "unanswered" Martha and Mary could "see the glory of God." and because Jesus's own prayer was "unanswered" we can now see glimpses of that same glory that we will view in full strength later on. if that's what He can do with their IFs, i can't wait to see what will happen with each of ours that we give to Him!