this ole' house

guys, i moved a deck on thursday.  i moved.  a deck.

in many pieces.  all the wood from the old deck is now separated into two stacks, the leaf bags all in a row, the whole lawn - front and back- mowed.  all before 1030.  i am my own hero.

this week: painting and prepping the bedrooms for the new carpet. and the lights.  and hopefully the garbage disposal.

gotta say, as proud as i am, i'm ready to be done with this. i'm tired. i love the timing of all this, and how i'm able to do this with no roommates to inconvenience, but it means i have no roommates to help.  or even just to turn up the volume on the tv.

i love painting and fixing things and arranging and planning.  and i've learned just how much i love Home Depot.  this is BAD news for the budget.

but so much fun to write about.

not a single project has gone as planned. as phrased in a text, this house was a "blazing conglomeration of death traps" that we have been fixing one by one as we find them, and weeping each time it involves another question, text, call or trip to a home improvement store for a random tool to fix whatever idiocy we uncovered.

saturday afternoon was the final straw, as i was preparing the closet for painting and had to fix the shelf with a screw coming out that was unable to bear weight. the 3 or 4 inch construction nails had been holding up the shelf braces, which were jammed between the wall and doorframe, both ends immediately in the corners of the closet and all but inaccessible.  i was not in the mood.  rarely am i in the mood for stupidity.  the drywall learned that lesson, and i learned why the crowbar is now called a "ripping chisel."

somewhere near the beginning of the home fix-it projects i came across this song, fed to me by YouTube's autoplay function, that great destroyer of time and productivity. it's even better than the Gaither version, mostly because watching the singers is such a hysterical delight.  like, they bounce. and poke each other and are clearly having the time of their lives. its infectious.

EHSS - This Ole House/When the Saints Go Marching In (Medley) [Live]

but more than their stage presence, it's the actual song. given my current situation, it's such a dead-on analogy i've listened to this song an irrational number of times the past several months. 

besides the fact that i really, truly, do NOT have time to oil hinges, fix shingles, install flooring or replace window panes- i don't want to have time. i have literally done all of these things this calendar year, and i'm soooo over it!!  :P

i also do not want anyone thinking i'm psychotic and about to do something horrid and drastic.  i'm not.

but i am tired.  so, so tired. i know i still get asked when i'm graduating, and am treated like i'm a decade younger than i am, but i've seen enough and done enough and experienced enough that most of the time i feel like a 300 year old.  it's no secret that i've had decades with depression, and if anyone else tells me to "pray it off" like indigestion, they might meet my ripping chisel, too. (just kidding.  well, they might meet it, but not as intimately as the drywall).  it's legit, it's been/being treated, and it's probs going to be another really long time before it's gone- if it ever is.  this world is chock full of… everything i'm tired of. even when you stop and smell the roses, there are thorns, there are storm clouds, there are termites and terrorists and tachydysrhythmias. there are hurts that will never heal on this earth, troubles that are permanent  down here and desires that this 70-year blip of life was never meant to fulfill. 

getting through the storms in this life is less about finding the rainbows than it is about looking forward to the land that has no storms.  we don't smile through pain simply by adding sugar to help the medicine go down (though it helps), but by remembering that in the next life there are no diseases or death or drugs.  just like that charming bass sang, it's a lot harder to cry about creaky knees if you see Gabriel at your door parking his chariot horses.

many people see death as depressing and morbid and hopeless.

not me.

i feel like i get what Paul the Apostle said- that he was torn between staying here and ministering, versus running full throttle towards the headsman knowing Jesus was on the other side of the axe. he didn't have a death wish and neither do i.  but he did have a perspective i appreciate a bit more, day by day. 

this physical house is temporary, as are our physical selves.  our church community has just recently lost someone close to many, many people.  while we mourn the loss, i think there's a little bit in each of us that wishes we could have followed her right away.  her chariot came faster than we thought it would, and her suffering is all over and she is experiencing all the wonders of heaven that we can only dream about and sing about as we wait our turn to march into glory with the saints.  Jesus told His disciples He was going to prepare a place for us, and that when He was done, He would come and take us to our new forever-Home.  i love thinking that as i work on this barn down here, He's working on our palaces.  i'd be happy with a shack up there, as long as it's close to that River of Life- but He's making palaces and mansions!

as i wait for my turn, i'll keep on working on keeping the house-house and the person-house in as good condition as possible. it's not all bad.  the new paint smells great, and looks even better.  the new garbage disposal actually works, after we (meaning, "Dad") traced the problem back to the switch, and it only took 2 hours and ALL my patience to convince that one d___g screw in the ceiling fan to work. this too shall pass.

but until it does pass, i shall be belting out funny old gospel songs and keeping my eyes fixed on those permanent glorious houses above and the friends, saints and the Savior who have all gone on before.