this ole' house

guys, i moved a deck on thursday.  i moved.  a deck.

in many pieces.  all the wood from the old deck is now separated into two stacks, the leaf bags all in a row, the whole lawn - front and back- mowed.  all before 1030.  i am my own hero.

this week: painting and prepping the bedrooms for the new carpet. and the lights.  and hopefully the garbage disposal.

gotta say, as proud as i am, i'm ready to be done with this. i'm tired. i love the timing of all this, and how i'm able to do this with no roommates to inconvenience, but it means i have no roommates to help.  or even just to turn up the volume on the tv.

i love painting and fixing things and arranging and planning.  and i've learned just how much i love Home Depot.  this is BAD news for the budget.

but so much fun to write about.

not a single project has gone as planned. as phrased in a text, this house was a "blazing conglomeration of death traps" that we have been fixing one by one as we find them, and weeping each time it involves another question, text, call or trip to a home improvement store for a random tool to fix whatever idiocy we uncovered.

saturday afternoon was the final straw, as i was preparing the closet for painting and had to fix the shelf with a screw coming out that was unable to bear weight. the 3 or 4 inch construction nails had been holding up the shelf braces, which were jammed between the wall and doorframe, both ends immediately in the corners of the closet and all but inaccessible.  i was not in the mood.  rarely am i in the mood for stupidity.  the drywall learned that lesson, and i learned why the crowbar is now called a "ripping chisel."

somewhere near the beginning of the home fix-it projects i came across this song, fed to me by YouTube's autoplay function, that great destroyer of time and productivity. it's even better than the Gaither version, mostly because watching the singers is such a hysterical delight.  like, they bounce. and poke each other and are clearly having the time of their lives. its infectious.

EHSS - This Ole House/When the Saints Go Marching In (Medley) [Live]

but more than their stage presence, it's the actual song. given my current situation, it's such a dead-on analogy i've listened to this song an irrational number of times the past several months. 

besides the fact that i really, truly, do NOT have time to oil hinges, fix shingles, install flooring or replace window panes- i don't want to have time. i have literally done all of these things this calendar year, and i'm soooo over it!!  :P

i also do not want anyone thinking i'm psychotic and about to do something horrid and drastic.  i'm not.

but i am tired.  so, so tired. i know i still get asked when i'm graduating, and am treated like i'm a decade younger than i am, but i've seen enough and done enough and experienced enough that most of the time i feel like a 300 year old.  it's no secret that i've had decades with depression, and if anyone else tells me to "pray it off" like indigestion, they might meet my ripping chisel, too. (just kidding.  well, they might meet it, but not as intimately as the drywall).  it's legit, it's been/being treated, and it's probs going to be another really long time before it's gone- if it ever is.  this world is chock full of… everything i'm tired of. even when you stop and smell the roses, there are thorns, there are storm clouds, there are termites and terrorists and tachydysrhythmias. there are hurts that will never heal on this earth, troubles that are permanent  down here and desires that this 70-year blip of life was never meant to fulfill. 

getting through the storms in this life is less about finding the rainbows than it is about looking forward to the land that has no storms.  we don't smile through pain simply by adding sugar to help the medicine go down (though it helps), but by remembering that in the next life there are no diseases or death or drugs.  just like that charming bass sang, it's a lot harder to cry about creaky knees if you see Gabriel at your door parking his chariot horses.

many people see death as depressing and morbid and hopeless.

not me.

i feel like i get what Paul the Apostle said- that he was torn between staying here and ministering, versus running full throttle towards the headsman knowing Jesus was on the other side of the axe. he didn't have a death wish and neither do i.  but he did have a perspective i appreciate a bit more, day by day. 

this physical house is temporary, as are our physical selves.  our church community has just recently lost someone close to many, many people.  while we mourn the loss, i think there's a little bit in each of us that wishes we could have followed her right away.  her chariot came faster than we thought it would, and her suffering is all over and she is experiencing all the wonders of heaven that we can only dream about and sing about as we wait our turn to march into glory with the saints.  Jesus told His disciples He was going to prepare a place for us, and that when He was done, He would come and take us to our new forever-Home.  i love thinking that as i work on this barn down here, He's working on our palaces.  i'd be happy with a shack up there, as long as it's close to that River of Life- but He's making palaces and mansions!

as i wait for my turn, i'll keep on working on keeping the house-house and the person-house in as good condition as possible. it's not all bad.  the new paint smells great, and looks even better.  the new garbage disposal actually works, after we (meaning, "Dad") traced the problem back to the switch, and it only took 2 hours and ALL my patience to convince that one d___g screw in the ceiling fan to work. this too shall pass.

but until it does pass, i shall be belting out funny old gospel songs and keeping my eyes fixed on those permanent glorious houses above and the friends, saints and the Savior who have all gone on before. 

abidin' my time

thinking about it right now, this week is a first for me.  i've never just up and taken a week off work with no specific plans.  but after 4 straight weeks of working at least 1 overtime shift, i'm worn out.  and since my sister and i hadn't had time to make plans… i just kept the time off.  that time is now over half gone, but i've caught up on sleep, my blood pressure's gone back down and i've been able to do fun things like stain the new deck, start painting the front hallway and take in a stray kitten who is a 550 gram walking skeleton, but the cutest skeleton you've ever seen.  she's been to the vet, eaten as much as the 11 pound cat and hopefully will be booger-free once her antibiotics are done.

i've only had to turn down 2 requests for work.  it was hard both times. i love my job, too much if that's possible.  i like being busy, i love doing things, i love seeing good spread and knowing i had a part in it.  i am by nature a problem-solver, and broken things that i can't fix are hard for me to accept.  i hate hearing statistics that say non-Christians give more, do more and do it faster and bigger than churches and religious organizations.  even if they're not all true, or twisted, i have this burning aching desire to find a million dollars and go on a thousand mission trips- all while running a house full of cats, working full time overnight hours and even the inside of a gym once in a while.  we have yet another mission team serving in South Africa right now, one headed to Memphis next month, 5 missionary families we support and at least 3 missions in Jackson.  i want to do all of them.

beyond impossible, it's insane.

so…. what, then?  God tells us to do good… and this world is in such desperate need of good that it's exhausting to even think about the enormity of the mission given to us. the new testament is chock full of parables and commands and lessons on  bearing fruit, making disciples, loving everyone everywhere all the time.  like, my mind is whirling faster than a spinning top.  how?  how on earth can i get it all done?!?!

is your pulse rising yet? mine is.

and then….

then i heard just what i needed to hear. our Bible study group is working through James this summer and chapter 2 again explains how faith without works is dead and beyond useless. and again, we were all drawn to the needs we saw and felt drawn to participate in.  the "doing" had become the main focus in about 2 seconds.  we know that works have nothing to do with salvation, but that they draw a clear line between genuine faith and the fake stuff.  and if i needed more confirmation that i was forgetting a key part of the deal, i came across this entertaining sermon as well:

 http://www.summitrdu.com/message/you-cant-do-it-but-he-can/

flip back a few pages to the tail end of the book of John, who knew James.  i'd pay a booger-load of money to be able to hear the conversations they must have had.  John had the heavy privilege of hearing Jesus's most intimate sermon ever, the night before He was arrested. right about the point where His disciples were probably going dizzy in the head from all He's said, He brings everything together and sums it up with three little words: "Abide in Me."

that's it.

not, "Pull out your planners and wallets and smartphones" or, "here are My top 10 ministry choices, ready, set, go"  or even a "good luck."  all He says is "Abide in Me."

but the ministries that need volunteers and donations? "Abide in Me."

or the refugees that need food and water and homes? "Abide in Me."

but… but what about those missionaries who's funding got cut?  "Abide in Me."

and the homeless here?  with the poor and under-educated and ex-cons shunned by others? and the environment and abandoned kitties and the polar bears?  WHO'S GOING TO SAVE THE POLAR BEARS?!?!?

 "Abide in Me."

those few brief sentences outline His whole plan for us.  He's the vine and we are the branches.  now, if you, unlike me, did NOT have rosebushes larger than a minivan (no lie) that you had to prune back to the ground, you may not know what branches do.  it's not a whole lot.  they abide.  even on a cellular level, branches are like tubes that water pushes up through from the roots and the vine.  the nutrients go straight through from the bottom, and then, as long as the branch is attached, all kinds of blooming and fruit happen on the top.  the only prerequisite is that the branch abide.  it's a rather passive word, 'abide.'  so little  to 'do' and plan and … that's the beauty of it. He does it all.  we're the channels, and if we abide, the fruit of His Spirit will spring out the ends of branches faster than the hungry, aching world can devour it.  there's nothing He can't do, and there's everything we can't if we're reading calendars and budgets instead of His word. not that we should never do anything, especially when we are called out to do His work, but that we should recognize that it's His work, not ours.

i'm putting "abiding" at the top of my to-do list.  yes, there are still things that need to happen, and the stay-cation is more than half over, so i'll be back at work soon.  but that, and everything else in my life, will be a billion times more productive if i keep my eyes on Him.  abiding in Him, there's no time for all this stress.

He's got it all under control.

even the polar bears.