the nurse you don't see

sometimes "privilege" doesn't sound like the right word for my "job"- but that word definitely doesn't sound right.  i get a paycheck every couple weeks, so it is indeed a  job, but i love it way to much to call it that.  but there are times when no word fits.  if someone had taken a stroll through the unit that night they would have seen people in scrubs doing what most every other person in scrubs would do: meds, IVs, charting, cleaning, smiling, moving, holding.

there are so many pictures, posters, posts and blogs about what it means to be a nurse, one more won't break the internet (i hope). i think every nurse has "that one" shift, maybe a small handful of shifts, that is their defining shift, that captures it all for them, that "lightbulb" moment where they realize what nursing really, truly is and why they can still handle being a nurse. there are many opinions of nurses, the majority of them positive- but for weird reasons, like because of passing nursing school,  or because i make "so much" money, or because they can't fathom starting tiny IVs or changing huge diapers, or hold a bucket for a nauseated stranger and are glad someone else will, or because they or a family member has been hospitalized and had a good, or at least expected- given the situation-, experience. just about all of it is true- except for the "so much money" thing (i don't know where that nonsense comes from), but none of it has anything to do with how i feel about my job or how i define it. 

the "everyones" out there have their reasons based on the nurse they see. good for them- their opinions are valid and appreciated.

but i have my own reasons, and they're all based on the nurse they don't see.

the nurse you saw last night successfully started a tiny IV in a tiny, wiggly scalp, cleaned up puke at least half a dozen times, dosed out antibiotics and drew labs all over the place.

...the nurse you didn't see literally held a cranky kid's hand for 15 minutes so he would just finally go to sleep because he felt like crap, skipped lunch, and helped code a newborn while the parents slept upstairs, quickly, quietly, efficiently- at least 5 people working as one body with one mission: save this life.

the nurse you saw helped a friend clean up after the code failed, paper, notes, packaging, pens, equipment, trash. sweep the floor. wipe down the monitors. clean off, scrub down, and set up the bed for the next admission.

...the nurse you didn't see couldn't help the parents at all.

the nurse you saw was laughing and cracking jokes about stupid, borderline insensitive, things as the nurse she helped earlier helped her as she restarted yet another IV in the puke-y kid for more medications.

...the nurse you didn't see had to laugh about something because it was either that or just cry.

the nurse you saw couldn't cry- at least not on the clock because the kids still needed to be fed and cleaned up again- after puking up everything you just fed them 5 minutes earlier.

...the nurse you didn't see was still holding back the tears, because in a way she just lost a child that night, too.  nothing at all compared to her parents- nowhere near it- but we lost, too.

the nurse you saw didn't sit down for more than 5 minutes until 0628 exactly. (those three 5-minute segments were strategically placed bathroom breaks).  literally every time she did sit down someone somewhere needed her immediately.

...the nurse you didn't see wasn't ever "there"- because she was always "somewhere" else, or moving from "here" to "there" and it was just more efficient to keep walking- or running- than try to sit and chart. 

the nurse you saw clocking out was tired and dizzy and struggling with the whole spectrum of emotions as well as a sudden drop of adrenaline, caffeine, and blood glucose-all concurrently.

the nurse you didn't see was driving well below the speed limit because she couldn't see.  everything was blurry.

the nurse you saw, and maybe were driving behind and trying to pass, was already a mess before the shift.

the nurse you didn't see-believe it or not- sometimes has a life outside the hospital and things there were fraying at the edges  before  the shift started, so you can just imagine how her face looked stopped at that red light. well, probably better not- it's not pretty.  she stayed in the car, parked in the driveway, for another half hour to calm down, praying, thinking, processing, crying it out, hoping the red eyes wouldn't attract attention from the roommates, not having a word to offer as explanation.

the nurse you saw did all those things you thought she did, and is at least as lucky as you think she is- but not for the reasons you may have thought.

yeah, it's a job. a job that takes up weekends, holidays, nights, hours on-call, late-night take-out orders, phone calls and texts at 2 am, sore feet, headaches.

but it's more, and completely different. i guess the super-spiritual, cool word to use would be "calling." we are called because we love it, and we love it because we are called to it.  over and over and over again, knowing that we are constantly one heartbeat away from having another shift like this one.

it's more than a privilege, even on those mind-blowingly wretched nights that threaten to beat you down into the floor. 

because those are also the nights when our team of nurses would put Jack Bauer to shame.  and because we were able to see the victory on one side of the unit, even while dealing with a defeat on the other side.  those victories are what make it so worthwhile. seeing a patient hold down a feeding, gain a whole whopping 15 grams, breathe for himself, outgrow a preemie onesie- the things nobody else spends a thought on- those are our victories and what i hold on to.  there is sickness, disease, pain- a whole fallen world plagued with sin and trauma- but i get to fight back, wielding prayer and hemostats like weapons.

i can't explain it any better without writing a book, but i also can't really think of anything else i'd rather have done that Thursday night, or anywhere else to do it, or anyone else to do it with, no matter what you call it or what you see of it. i usually just call it "nursing."