12.5

so i've been working in this new unit for almost 2 months.

i love it- i really do.  i transferred because this new position offered everything i'd miss about my first unit (doing what i love, with people i love, on the night shift which is when i love... everything... much better), as well as several new opportunities to learn things and gain skills, experience stuff i'd never otherwise experience.  when an opportunity like this lands in my lap, i like to take them.  so i did.  it's been a blast.

...and then last weekend happened.  good glory- what a weekend. in some ways, it was just a another shift (and then another and another and then yet one more), but in other ways it was ridiculous.  it took "ridiculous" to a whole new level, really.  the only reason i said i would work the fourth shift was because the third one was so bad i didn't want to end the weekend on such a sucky note.

that third consecutive shift, i left so fast i didn't take the time to rip the dumb face mask and shoe covers off.  i needed fresh air, a shower, a moment to think and another moment to get rid of just a couple tears that had been begging for release for many hours but never had the chance because i practically hadn't blinked for 14 hours.

but my head was held high. 

and i came up with an idea for a new tv show (because clearly we don't have enough tv shows).

it's called "12.5" and it stars a nursing unit (because no nurse ever works alone).  it's non-stop action, because the only time we pause to chart, breathe and eat is after the shift is supposed to be over.

we don't walk. ever.  we run- just like Jack Bauer. only difference is that he gets bathroom breaks during commercials.

now, we don't shoot our coworkers in the head with guns but we do shoot epi and curasurf and some juiced-up saline.

what we're up against: not international terrorists, but diseases we can't cure, non-viable statistics and red tape out the wazoo.  no airborne biotoxins, but invisible electrolytes that insist on being out of whack.

trade out the two-faced spies for some crazy…. just straight-up crazy visitors or family members.

sha-bam- you've got your next blockbuster.  

Dear Jack Bauer,

you're awesome. you really are. aside from a dirty mouth, you're a model patriot, what every citizen should strive to be like.

you've saved thousands and thousands of innocent Americans multiple times.  you kept your cool under impossible circumstances and you kept your eyes on the finish line when anyone else with a normal human body would have been dead waaaaay before then.  you based every decision not on what you wanted, but what would accomplish the purpose and save as many lives as possible.

You're welcome.

you may be a tv star- a downright hero, even.

just want to say though, that you only saved a bajillion people because someone else saved them first.  if you took a poll of all those you rescued, and then removed every single one of them that had ever had a heart attack or a stroke or was born prematurely or had a nuchal cord.  take away all the uncontrolled diabetics.  the asthmatics. those who were choking on their food or straight-up coded in a restaurant nearby someone who was CPR-certified. those who've survived car crashes and cancer. every single one of those lived because there was a team of nurses and doctors, surgeons and caretakers  and normal humans who were there before you were.

for that matter, what about those students who only made it through high school because there was that one teacher who motivated them to do their best and push through? 

what about those kids who grew up and became successful parents and employees and Americans because their own 2 parents were there?

what about those who  didn't have those parents, but had someone else?

all those owe their lives to God who put the right people at the right time for them. 

you do, too, because quite frankly, your CPR sucks and you have no knowledge of physiology. none. 

but America, myself included, thanks you and freakin' loves your show.

Love,

the whole nation that's waiting for the next season

yes, there are shows about nurses.  about as accurate as Bigfoot, but whatever.  i really don't think an accurate tv show about nursing would go over very well with the general public.  too messy.  by gum, did we ever make a mess this weekend!  me and my preceptor both are a little OCD-neat with the wires and tubes and we follow all the rules we possibly can, but when a life is on the line, it's time to screw the protocol and do what it takes.  do it now-whatever "it" is- and worry about permission later. you can sweep up the piles of trash later. you can chart the whole mess afterwards and make it look as neat as you want. 

just make sure all those notes you wrote on the wrappers, gloves and paper towels aren't in the trash you swept up. 

it ain't pretty.  it ain't easy. but i love it.

and if the national anthem sounded forth, i would  stand without shame right next to Jack Bauer and sing with as much gusto as anyone else who is proud of their job and the work that they do. hopefully both of us get a shower and hairbrush before it's screened live, but if not it'll be okay.  i mean, it's real life after all!

Problems wth America, Part II

i'm working out a theory.

actually, several theories, but one in particular right now.  chances are that it will come completely unraveled right here, right now, but that's kinda the point of working out theories.  either they stay or they crumble but at least you know, or have a vague idea of a direction to go afterwards.

and it may be true that this theory only applies to me but i don't think i'm that distinctive from the rest of the human race.

and i idon't know if this was even a problem for me until this trip to India.  well, actually it was, but it was the same problem but in reverse.  if that makes any sense to you, you're farther along that i am :P

question: what if everybody, churchwide, quit telling anyone else that they look good?

i think it would be awesome.

can i explain?  'kay, thanks!

here's the deal: no, i was not always this large.  several years i ago i was smaller.

a lot smaller. yes.  believe it.  intensely personal data right here:  you know those stupid BMI charts that are in every health curriculum, gym, gym class, and doctor's office and serve no purpose except to make everyone who sees it to feel awful about themselves?

i was literally "off the chart" until the summer before my senior year of high school. but off the left side, not the right.  i'm not lying. i remember walking past a copy of that senior year and wondering that there was finally a little box ON the chart with both my height and my weight.

a lot of reasons for that, none of which are required knowledge for the purposes of this post.

6 years later, i am safely away from all the borders of the chart and, well, mostly okay with this.

then i went to India, had a great time, took a lot of pictures, met some awesome people and came on back home.

here's the scenario: the two or three weeks after i came back, multiple people , mostly from church, celebrated my return, asked how the trip was and received the expected positive response… and then a good handful of them made an unexpected comment- "wow, you look really good!" or "you look better!" with the clear reference to my physical appearance.

please stop right here and read this very carefully: these people are wonderful, loving, Godly church members who have been enthusiastic and uber-supportive of me and this mission trip from the second they heard about it and because they've seen my face in church for a good 6 years now.  not one of them said anything offensive, rude, judgmental or wrong.

here's the problem:  only 2 things changed while in India- 1) i did get more sun than anyone else in tennessee those 2+ weeks, just not enough to get a tan, and 2) i lost 4 pounds.  this was not intentional and not realized until i came home at 0230 and saw my friend's scale that i had borrowed to weight the suitcases over and over and over again to make sure they were under the weight limit and because the scale was small, i had to do the whole weigh-yourself-weigh-you+suitcase-subtract -your-weight thing repeatedly until i knew to the ounce how much i weighed in every outfit i wore those last few desparate days of packing, and i was wearing the exact same outfit upon my return (the only winter clothes i'd brought. just for the heck of it, i came in, plopped the suitcases down and stepped on the scale.

please do not respond to this with "you're crazy- of course you're not fat. that's the most ridiculous thing ever.  look at me, silly!"

i'm not saying i'm categorically fat.  i'm not saying anything in particular about my appearance.

but i'm saying that other people did, and i'm saying that i noticed it.  and i'm also saying it's had some unintended effects on me.

**BunnyTrail: this would not be a good time to heap on the praises just because you read this. that'll sound faker than a Barbie doll and not be the blessing you intend it to be. welcome to the female mind.**

if you remember that personal moment a whole 4-6 paragraphs ago, you will see that while different than the average american's, i too have had issues with weight control and outside appearances. everyone would like to look good, just most people don't carry this goal to absurd extremes. but given the choice, who would say, "i desire to be hideous"? that's right- nobody.

another personal moment happening here: not only that, there are a host of personal issues, concerns, problems that i'm already battling and often feeling like i'm losing to. 

the idea that i gained positive comments, other people's approval and praise because i lost weight planted seeds in my head that i have actually watched grow and am trying to uproot.  typical of people who struggle on almost any level with depression or anxiety, when life just rises up and smacks you in the face, one of the first things you don't feel like doing is eating properly...especially if you know others will notice you if you don't. 

so here's the idea: i don't like saying one thing is wrong or inferior unless i can think of something that is superior or more helpful, so here's the very very beginning of a thought, followed by a lot of rambling to try to fill it out.

what if instead of instead of telling a person "hey, you look great!" because they're wearing a new shirt or because of some outward physical characteristic that people (mostly females) use to judge themselves/others, you said "oh hey, i love how that pretty new shirt reflects your ___(some inward positive character trait)___"  or even "i'm so glad to see you- come sit in this pew," implying that her presence is encouraging or enlightening or happy, not that the way she appears on the outside is of as much value as she is, just by being herself.

what if every christian-to-christian interaction was like that?

of course, there are some objections/correction/editions/appendices/exemptions that could be made.

for instance, what about the woman who knows that she really does need to lose weight? she may mention this as a prayer request, or ask for a buddy to go with her to the gym or walk in the park, or inquire about diets or ideas/suggestions to help her in this endeavor. taking care of one's body is, i think, of utmost importance. as christians, we have each been given a body to take care of.  not only does this show good stewardship, but it also enables us to aid others in whatever way/shape/form is needed, it gives a visual to the world of how the whole church should act as one body-every member helping others and keeping them healthy physically AND spiritually, it demonstrates at least a little bit that humans are categorically separate from other living beings and of immense value, and every act of building up the physical body also exercises increasing spiritual traits. 

to that i would say- if she brings this up as a need in her life, by all means encourage and help her along the way.  celebrate success, encourage through the sweat, and give all the glory to Whom it is due. but any comment on this prayer request should be rooted not in the simple fact that she needs to lose weight.  it should  be firmly planted in the facts- her efforts to lose weight and take care of herself ARE BECAUSE she has intrinsic value that has NOTHING to do with the actual number on the scale.

another "for instance"- what about the perfect, happy girl who honestly doesn't care what anyone says to/about her?

to that i would say- you're ridiculous.  show me a girl who is old enough to be potty trained, and i'll say that at least on some level, there are the beginnings of personal insecurities that will only grow into giant orchards of problems unless they are controlled.  if they are 100% under control, write your own post.

another one: what about the complete stranger who doesn't know you and can't honestly give personal compliments?

to that i would say: why don't you just spend 10 seconds, learn even just one simple, little thing about me that shows that i'm worth getting to know, even if i'm just wearing a large-sized pair of jeans and a t-shirt? how long does it take to ask me what my favorite color is? if i'm worth 5 seconds of a stranger's time, that in itself is a compliment.

there's a reason Jesus hung out with the social outcasts.  several reasons, actually. one of them, i think, is that those social outcasts knew they didn't have much externally of value. the handicapped and poor had zip, the lepers were as good as dead, and the hookers worse even than that.

but they had just as much value as humans to Jesus as the religious groupies and the oblivious gentiles.  He took quite a bit more than 10 seconds with them, despite the numerous civil  and religious laws He was tromping all over.  they were worth it to Him.

i traveled all the way around the world to tell several hundred people that they had so much value i would pay for the experience of giving them a small handful of Tylenol and that there was a God-only one- who was like "oh man- I want that person to know Me and worship Me so much that I'm gonna rock the world, send my only son to blast open the welcome gate and draw them through it with my incredible, unrelenting love...even that blind cripple. and the pregnant hooker. and that soon-to-be-unblinded pharisee. and ___(insert your name here)___"

it wasn't until the very last day in India, at the airport, actually, that i saw a legit, overweight Indian.  for 2 whole weeks, i was surrounded by a culture that seemingly puts far less value on the external appearance of another human being. yes, all their clothing, even on the rural poor farm laborers had bright colors and patterns but anyone could choose whatever outfit they wanted because all the clothes are one-size-fits-all.  who cares if you're a bit taller or darker or shorter or have wide shoulders.  not a one of them could tell your their BMI. it did not matter one single whit.  i did not enjoy coming back and being barraged by commercials, advertisements, clothing stores, ANY stores that emphasize the strictly physical. this country is absolutely drowning in a marketplace that exists only to fluff up insecure people's sense of worth based only on how they look, setting completely unattainable standards and putting a price tag on the person's body instead of their soul.

and we wonder why anorexia, bulimia, suicide, depression, diets, and a host of social plaques are running rampant and wreaking wholesale destruction on the self-esteem of americans across the board. not to be lame, but i honestly wonder why these problems aren't even worse.  what else could be the result when we only focus on the temporary and external rather than the truly worthwhile- that which is eternal and internal?

i can accept the fact that non-christians are going to be non-christians and judge me according to whatever system they feel like floating with. for 99% of them, accepting the theory of evolution really leaves them with the belief that they, and everyone else, including me, are only really smart animals.  so really, i just can't pin too much on your assessment of my personal value if you are starting with that assumption. sorry. i don't find it flattering in the least and really do wonder how you can handle it. 

and i know i shouldn't really base my opinion of myself upon another christian's perception of me, either. unless that christian's perspective comes with a scripture reference or two. i met a person like that once and it literally changed my life- well, the change is a process still going on. but it blew my mind. and then i met a couple more people. and they blew my mind as well. i'd rather have my mind blown than my self-esteem any day of the week.

but this is the part where i ask those who call themselves my church family who are undoubtedly stronger in faith than i am to remind me of truths when i (frequently) forget them and help me find my true value.  look deeper, please.

i really do appreciate the compliments.  they were trying to be happy and encouraging. i just don't need any encouragement to eat less, work out more, and focus on lesser things and turn molehill into a mountain.  i'm too good already at that stuff. 

 what if the entire church, as a whole, made a mission out of revealing truth inside its members, stripping the hidden lies of their power and reclaiming territory we've just handed over as individuals to the world? what if she (whoever "she" is) never heard "you look good" ever again because she didn't need to?  because she only heard "you ARE good, and here's why"?

**BunnyTrailBlazer: if you like OR hate the idea, want to continue it or shut it down, feel free to express said thoughts in a responsible, adult-like fashion.  bear in mind that this is a thought less than 24 hours old, and only about 2 or 3 of my past 24+ hours have been spent sleeping. i might wake up tomorrow and delete the whole post. but until then i'll just throw it out there for the entire internet to peruse while i doze away the freezing cold, icy, sleety, wet, wet day.**