She sat there. still. holding her breath. alone. knowing, and dreading the impending sounds about to hit her ears. her brain was fried, senses so sharpened she wanted to cover her ears from the deafening boom coming.
the gavel rose…
she was so exhausted. the proceedings had gone on forever, it seemed. day after day for years she had sat in the same hard wooden chair that was just NOT designed for comfort. but i guess when you're the accused and your life is at stake, a bit of discomfort is non-consequential. dozens of witnesses, questions, answers, cross-questionings...all saying the same thing. there could really only be one conclusion and at some point a good long time ago even the defense attorney had realized this and booked it. she could turn her head a tad and see some family members in attendance… and a couple more sitting with the crowd of witnesses. no smiles, just faces so bored and glazed-over you couldn't help but think of the stale donuts left over in the back room. no point in putting a happy face on a dismal situation. no point now in pretending; it was even written all over the jurors' faces. no point in hoping. there was no fall-back, no safety net, nothing. the jury filed out, turned around and filed back in before the swinging door had reversed its direction. the judge's gavel, which was already in the air, rose higher. the defendant stood on shaky, stiff knees, head bowed.
but before the judge let it fall, the door in the back opens, as does the judge's mouth. she peeked- and saw the most...ordinary man ever. so ordinary it was extraordinary. a completely unreadable face. no fear- sadness. peace. determination.
hope.
for her.
he walked forward, straight up to the bench, then took a right. up to her.
"Step down." he held out his hand and she was numb enough to wordlessly obey. she stood there a bit sheepishly as the man stood in front of that blasted hard chair. turning back to the judge, whose hand was still in the air and whose mouth was still open, he simply said, "Proceed, your Honor."
"Are you sure you want to do that? Do you have any idea what is happening here?"
"Yes, to both."
"But a LIFE is at stake here!!"
"Yes. My life, now. Whatever the sentence, I will pay."
"Sir, you have one more chance to step down."
he stood. three seconds later he was pronounced guilty and without a twitch let the guards lead him out.
one backward glance- that's all she got. but it was enough. twenty years of guilt, sorrow, hurt: gone. one backward glance washed away every sort of negative emotion, any cries of sympathy and guilt, and left not much else. of the entire range of conceivable human emotion, only these three remained: faith, hope, and… love. faith as she'd only heard rumors of, hope she'd never believed attainable and love unspeakable.
she woke up, a couple years later, but no less real.
a couple bad days, a couple bad nights at work- it doesn't take much for her to remember where it all began. but it only takes one good day, like this one, to remember also where it all ended so that she could begin again. the chair… the ugly, old, chair sat off in a corner. an instant reminder- not of herself though. of him. the one extraordinarily typical man who took her place because of love.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_
it's only half a dream. maybe less, maybe more. not sure how awake i really was last night when it kind of planted itself in front of me.
mostly i just remember several days ago. yet another flashback that basically pinpointed my weak points and routed my defenses. frustrated at the idea of another skirmish lost, a thought came to me. a single word.
"Tetelestai."
It is finished. it's done. DONE!!!
the Savior said it. if He's done with it, so am I. the feeling of a burden lifted again- exhilarating!
to tell the truth, the memories may always be there. but to tell the Truth..it's okay. the gavel's down, lawyers gone home. just me and a wonderful, hideous cross of wood that shouts a louder sentence than "Guilty." it says, "Justified."
totally worthy of a celebration- more than one a year, i think. in a moment of tiredness and humanness, i spent too much of an evening (the same evening as the dream, actually) upset that i was scheduled to work on Easter. i let myself have a pity party and then said- I'm done with this nonsense. let the co-workers have this sunday off- i will more than make up for any lost celebrating on the last, greatest and longest Easter day. the one that will never ever ever ever ever end and that will have absolutely NO need for night shift nurses. because there will be no sick people and not a shadow to be seen... at least not where i'll be- at the feet of my Judge-turned- Father/Redeemer getting more than just a passing backward glance of His face :)
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