as noted in the previous post, our sunday school class has been reading through Job this week and i stinkin' can't wait for tomorrow because the reading includes the best chapter EVER of Job, approaching my favorite chapter of the whole old testament.
but something struck me the other day right at 31:40… "and the words of Job are ended."
he's given his best for a solid three chapters of poetry proclaiming his innocence and frustration with the way his life has gone. that much prose is enough to exhaust even a normal, healthy individual, much less one in Job's state of being.
there was nothing left for him to say.
no more words to use to defend himself.
he's done.
finitando.
it's almost like you could see him right there, collapsing against a wall out of breath, out of energy, out of mind. out of reach from his fantastic companions . no more tears for him to cry, his only resources being some chunks of broken pottery.
as soon as i read that, i had to stop and just stare at the finality of that statement.
and then i wished i was there so i could give the poor guy a hug...despite the gross sores. ( ewwwww!)
i know EXACTLY how it looks like he felt, except that i was never a huge, successful man who was completely upright and righteous and so in tune with God that i couldn't find fault with myself even when i sat down and wracked my brains.
but other than that…
my mind went back to that summer two and a half years ago. i was right at that point. every tear fell away only to be replaced by several more. every prayer felt like it was just hitting the ceiling and dropping to the floor. i'd cut out most of the friends from my life and struggled to find purpose in my life. i had no explanation for why so many other people had decided to hurt me, with the only conclusion (that i could see) being that somehow i must have deserved it in their eyes. by trying to justify that i turned to a rabid form of self-loathing, but knowing that it was wrong yet not having any other excuse for them or for myself. back then, the book of Job REALLY didn't make sense… i was totally on Job's side- if i was a good little Christian the way i thought i had been, then how could these horrible circumstances happen? how could my life be so devoid of joy that i hated waking up each morning? how could i know all the "right" answers to everything yet feel utterly alone and without God?
it took a couple months even beyond that point.
but then the words of Evangeline (FINALLY!!) were ended.
there was nothing left for me to say.
no more words to use to defend myself.
i was done.
finitando.
but that's when it happened.
God spoke. in a slightly different manner with me than with Job, but He most definitely spoke. Job needed to hear how big, how amazing, how beyond imaginable God was- who better to tell him than God Himself? If God could hang the stars in the sky, He can see Job. If He planned to create ostriches to be stupid (Job 39:17….good verse, read it ;), then Job most certainly couldn't doubt that God had planned Job's life down to the smallest detail and didn't want His creativity, integrity or justness disputed. i needed to hear that He knew it all, had heard every single one of those prayers, had counted the innumerable tears and had just been waiting for me be done, so He could start something new in me. my favorite part of my story is that the entire prayer of surrender...yeah. i said just about nothing there. the pastor was praying- i have NO idea what he said. the church was singing one of my favorite and very applicable hymns ("Just As I Am") and all i said was "they're singing my prayer. if you'll take me, i'm done talking." and He said "okay. glad you made it- you're not late...just on time like I planned."
both Job and I learned an awful lot about God in a surprisingly short amount of time. there is indeed rest for the weary, a home for the wanderer, healing for such a heart-load of pain, forgiveness for the sinner, and life for the dead. someone had told me that coming to God wasn't always a huge life-changing moment like it's something glamorize as being.
there is absolutely NO WAY to UNDER-glamorize that experience. the moment when Job opens his eyes in wonder and his jaw hits the sidewalk… awesome. the moment when i shut up and suddenly felt life as though i'd been a zombie for the previous 21 years… incredible.
i still have trouble learning how to be silent...takes practice, i guess. but it's soooooo worth it no matter what on earth you have to go through to get there!!
i also have trouble keeping these posts to more manageable lengths...that also takes practice, i guess :)
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