merry christmas...have a watermelon!

my roommate and i just went to the farmer's market yesterday and got the best deals on vegetables ever.  a couple people had told us that it closes at 12 noon on saturdays but then the internet in all its bountiful wisdom said 5 pm.  so we went around 2, hoping at least for a cultural experience if not anything good to eat.  there were about 5 vendors still there, but it was entertaining nonetheless.  we were about to buy some zucchini  for bread (about the only thing they're good for) when the vendor, a very jovial farmer, told us they were really cucumbers, offered us other samples of his vegetables and told us each of them could be made into various alcoholic beverages.  my favorite part was when he stopped and then asked if we were even old enough to drink.  this might explain why also related his reluctance to date because so many women are addicted to Xanax.  feed them some homemade squash wine and if they don't pass out, i guess they're clean ;)  it was a very entertaining conversation, let me tell you!    but he gave us a great price on some squash , and i found one more farmer about to leave who gave me a pile of sweet potatoes, tomatoes and a watermelon for $5.  i looked at the roomie, winked and said, "this is what is known as a 'steal.' " it was awesome.  and took about 20 minutes, too.  yes, we are that incredible :)

so while i sit here with a big ole' watermelon in the fridge waiting to be sliced with my marvelously sharp knife i'm also listening to christmas music.  a couple people at church are trying to get me to join practices for the Living Christmas Tree come december.  rehearsals actually started a couple weeks ago, but i cautiously asked for the music CD today, making sure to not commit. once the director hears my voice he may very well regret handing me the music and open invitation, but i know he'd be incredibly nice about either way ;)  it's weird to hear "Sleigh Ride" when it's 90 degrees outside.  it'd be weird anyway, because this is tennessee and we probably won't get any snow until february. 

though weird, it's exciting.  there's something timeless about the Christmas story for me. because it's a (monumental, but) smaller part of a huge story that is even still happening now.  one birth set in motion the biggest thing ever, and the climax is coming.  the anticipation of Him coming again is… yeah, a bit more than the feeling you used to get on Christmas Eve, wanting to shake that present there  and secretly, desperately hoping it was that #1 on your list.  by the time Jesus finally showed up on the scene, He was exactly the opposite of what those religious folks were looking for, not exactly what they asked for, and (as it turned out) alot more than they bargained for.  they'd been waiting centuries and maybe have slacked off a little on their eager impatience for a savior.  they knew what they thought they needed, what size, color and quantity and exactly what shaped box it 'should' arrive in.  they couldn't wait for the Big Day....and then they totally missed it, and majorly missed out on such a pivotal point in earth's history that it should rock your brain (literally). 

i hope you're  ready.  because  He's coming again, and may not wait 'til Christmas.  

i hope you're not slacking off. even if He waits another 400 years and you're a pile of dust then, it might be 4 hours and i want to badly to be caught telling someone "hey- a Better-Than-Christmas has come" instead of assuming that it won't ever come, or worse- that it's not what we want.

i hope you're as excited during these summer months as you are when it's cold out, and that you are ready for all your expectations to be blown away because there is no way they could be as incredible as what's comin'!!! 

just one word...

Opportunity. 

that's it.  you can all go now :) 

today was one of those days that was so full of "opportunity" that i should feel like the luckiest person on the planet.  but it's only when i look BEYOND this planet that i feel even halfway satisfied with today's turnout.  on the surface, i might be crying right now :P

i think i mentioned before how this hospital and some of its employees have taken to using the word "opportunity" to replace the word "problem" and any of its synonyms that fit grammatically into any sentence spoken or written.  basically it is to imply that even with negative circumstances, it shouldn't get us down but should rather inspire us to stretch, grow, think, work through/around it and come out on top instead in a mess.  i really like it- i just had to tell myself this MANY times today.

i was crazy-busy, and for the first time i've had 2 patients dependent on me for all kinds of things.  the nurse i work under was around, but she gave me more responsibility than i've had ever before- liberating, and also downright terrifying.  knowing that real lives were on the line did nothing to calm me down.  combined with my extremely high personal standards, intolerance of imperfection, and strong Type A personality, this was a WHOLE NEW experience.  never before have i had to start the day ridiculously early and ALREADY be "behind."  then to take 14 hours to catch up.  then to talk with someone else who seemed to give me no credit at all, and had expectations low enough she trip over them.  then to take a minute to go through the emotional detox routine with my preceptor.  then to run to my car like a little devil's behind me.

everything, good and bad today, was a huge opportunity.  though alot was annoying, hard, confusing, complicated or easy, routine, and exciting, i will say i learned ALOT.  every new thing is a chance to do it wrong and fix it.  every old thing is a chance to get better and faster, more efficient and patient-friendly. 

when i left the place after 8?  a great opportunity to crank up the volume and belt out those songs because nobody was there to be offended by my voice :P

when i came back at 8:40 and had nothing in the fridge?  totally an opportunity to try that new soup, stick it in the microwave so i had 3 minutes to put on a relaxing movie

when i saw the state of the kitchen and gasped in horror? Mr Opportunity came along and we turned out all the lights, lit some candles so all i could see was my soup and cinny-minny graham crackers for dinner!

and because nobody was within hearing distance?  i could slurp all i wanted; you'd better believe i did :)

no-one out there has any idea how excited i am about a good hot shower and sleeping past 5:15 tomorrow morning.  that, and just patting my pocket with a couple favorite verses on it have pulled me through a hectic day. 

those graham crackers were so good i might have to eat another one… my favorite part of the graham-cracker-eating process is trying to get it out of the plastic wrap thing without breaking it.  and that's really important information which is why i had to share it :)  this box was given to me by my grandmother...even 800 miles away she can make tough days better.  she's that awesome- you have no idea until you meet her. 

tomorrow is going to be a good day- i'm saving every one of those 39570002 dishes until then.  i'm still going to try to learn something really cool, still going to be thankful, still going to be making food, doing laundry, and singing loudly and  obnoxiously the. whole. way. 

the only way to see the opportunities despite the "opportunities" is to recognize that this life...is just that.  and it's going to be over before you know it.  do what you can to make it better for others and pleasing to God, focusing on what will outlast your ECG. 

you guys are awesome.  i love writing despite who does/not read these, and most of the time there's a legit point to it ;)  i hope you can see the point to this one, because to spell it out would just totally ruin the feel :P 

the happiest place on earth

no, it's not home.  nor is it wal-mart, mcdonald's or a bar.  it is Regions Bank.  specifically, the one across the bypass from union.  it is completely unexplainable; there is no good reason for people to consistently be this happy.  i swear, sometimes it borders on ridiculous!!  i have never been in a building like that which is full of people whose singular goal in life was to make someone else happy, even just for a minute.  whether by some strange coincidence it's real, or even if it's totally faked, every time i set foot in there, i get at least 1 (usually more) "hello" and just listen to the workers talk and laugh and ask everyone in sight "is there anything else i can do for you today?"  the first time i went to set up an account so i could actually get money from my paychecks instead of sending them back to the bank in NY, the manager-in-a-cubicle acted as though we were best friends.  i had met him 5 seconds beforehand.   it's like its own little   RegionsWorld where every thing and every one is happy.  they don't need money; happy is their currency and they distribute it liberally to anyone who crosses the threshold, which makes them thrilled.  if anyone were to ever tell me they walked in and then out of that building without sensing they just had an abnormally good trip to the bank, i don't think i could believe them.  i have actually heard of this happening, and i find it very weird...and sad.

the second time i had to talk to someone was at least 6 months afterwards.  apparently when i set up an account, i'd also gotten an online username and password that i had no recollection of.  refusing to talk to an automated phone, i talked to another important-person-in-a-cubicle.  after explaining the issue, he immediately started calling people and demanding they drop whatever they were doing so they could all fix this grave dilemma.  he seemed actually upset that something had gone wrong and kept asking if there were anything else he could do for me today.  first thought was "dude, he's groveling.  at this point he'd re-tie my sneakers if i told him to."  since i can't see your faces of horror right now, i'll go ahead and admit that for 2 seconds i was really really tempted to ask him, just to see his reaction.  (i didn't.)  the problem was fixed; crisis averted and no casualties.  but i left the building with the distinct impression that if they were any nicer at all, it would just be creepy.  

last i checked i had a whopping 5 "followers" here on this blog. i'm pleased: that's at least 2 more than i expected :)  so my feelings won't be crushed if i lose a couple of you in the next couple paragraphs…

most (ha!!) of (all 5 of…) you know i'm a "northerner,"...  a "Yankee." well, we breathe sarcasm like southerners cook a good pot roast, which leads to fantastic reactions from happy, happy people in RegionsWorld.  i feel bad when people don't understand it- it took a full school year before my kentuckian roommate knew i wasn't serious.  poor girl!  i put her through alot ;)

the reason i still feel like such a major jerk whenever i need to deposit a check at RegionsWorld is because i can be happy and sarcastic, or i can be stressed and tired and grumpy...and this just blows their collective happy mind.  i think it was sometime last fall semester or else January when i drove the whole 6 feet to RegionsWorld and some fate decreed that JasonTeller would be my bank teller that day.  *on a side note, nothing is aided by the fact that JasonTeller has what is known as a really good-looking face.  and my roommate confirmed it, so i know it's true.  this fact just turns this from just a story into more of a tragedy.*  anyway...nothing would have happened except RegionsWorld had instituted a new policy or service or something to help detect, track down, and publicly execute identity thieves.  i guess all the tellers were telled...told...to tell everyone who entered their sad-free RegionsWorld about said service.  FYI, i was stressed this day.  being a senior student in Nursing school does that to some people.  so when JasonTeller asked me if i wanted to apply this new identity-saving service to my account, i said the first thing that came to mind (probably should have thought first…).  i told him flat-out, "I'm a senior nursing major.  if some creep wants my identity he can daggum HAVE IT!!!  2 weeks tops and he'll give it back to me anyway."

let.

me.

tell.

you.

i have NEVER seen a face go from "happy" to "clinically depressed" in 3 seconds flat before. he didn't even ask what else he could do for me today.  it was as if RegionsWorld was the last area to remain untouched by all manner of crud that plaques the earth, but like a virus, i'd just infected the whole place.  and crushed every last hope and dream left to JasonTeller.  it appears he's never gotten that response before.

sometimes i wish i could always be that happy and just avoid or block out everything that could ever upset my own little universe where i'm in control, there are no insects, and all problems can be resolved in 1 hour like tv. 

sorry people- i'm a human and i make mistakes.  so are/do you.  not to excuse my sins, but i'm taking one (tiny) step at a time.  God hasn't given up on me, or i'd be dead right now, so i'm not giving up on Him.  and some awesome day, just on the other side of that proverbial river, you'll see the real 'me'- the one that doesn't get migraines, say sarcastic things, crush joy or burn muffins. 

i hope it's not that long until i can see JasonTeller without the pangs of guilt.  he seems to have recovered well, once he picked his jaw up off the ground. good thing, too; that'd be a waste of a pretty face :)

round-about encouragement, from me to you

i am so blasted proud of myself right now.  so proud, i'm even writing about it now.  there's just something incredibly satisfying about sitting down in my super-comfortable chair seeing the living room floor clear and clean, knowing the dishes are done and i've got several meals made and ready to go.  and also that the upstairs is.. mostly clean ;)  that migraine that's been teasing me for three days finally came last night so i could drug myself into a stupor and then wake up at 8 am and get going.  the one good thing about my migraines is that i do sleep better on drugs ;)

i only have 2 books going right now, which is weird for me.  i'm kinda at a standstill- like i can't continue with the first two until i start another one (or two) first, but i don't know  which one, so every day i just sit down and look at my books and then smile.  

i've also got a couple candles lit now that are creating quite a pleasant, quiet ambiance here.  a bit calming and comforting. Fat Floyd departed for HamsterLand yesterday for some unknown reason and his presence will be missed, but it's not the first pet i've ever lost and i hadn't gotten to know him as well so the emotional trauma is much lessened.  i feel like some rain would be appropriate- a good thunderstorm.  it did take over a year after "The Tornado" (as it is referred to in Jackson) before i could enjoy thunderstorms again, but now one would be nice.  i might also break the humidity, which is approaching 5000% and driving the heat index up to levels which fog my glasses over just by thinking about it. that, and there's not much that can compare to the grandeur of a big ole' cumulonimbus floating over head shooting sparks of electricity everywhere that causes the actual air to all but explode and then implode on itself and make such a racket you just have to smile. 

after this next week i will be done with the less-exciting part of orientation at the hospital, and then i can finally switch to 12-hr days.  this whole 8am-5pm every weekday thing is destroying me.  i have a new-found respect for anyone on earth who can pull that off, because i sure can't!!  i have no idea how i've been able to get through the past few weeks… well no.  i do know.  i think it's one more confirmation that Jackson is where i'm supposed to be right now.  the thought of actually getting patients this week or next is about as intimidating as anything on earth, but it's not like God dragged me through nursing school to drop me now, which is a comfort.

i've heard several times from good people that God never gives us more than we can handle.  if they're feeling witty, they add Mother Theresa's "i just wish He didn't trust me so much" line afterwards. 

so. not. true.

just from personal experience i know that i definitely had tons more than i can handle.  20 years of stuff i couldn't handle, and had built up to the point where i was crumbling and about to be crushed.  throw nursing school on top of that mess, and you have an idea of what i mean.  i had been trying to handle it, and everyone in Jackson saw how well that idea turned out...not a pretty picture.  BUT when i finally did crash, God was right there saying something along the lines of, "Are you exhausted yet?  Here, lemme grab that 20-ton emotional baggage off your hands.  I've been waiting for you." 

He gave me plenty more than i could handle- but not more than He could handle FOR ME.  and you won't ever find a biblical character who got very far on their own, either.  so while i wait around for the thunderstorms, i'm going to keep on trusting their maker for the strength and presence of mind not to do anything incredibly stupid to my patients. 

that was a really round-about way to get to anything meaningful.  but really, i've wanted to say that so many times to people, but i couldn't because most of those times they were trying to encourage ME.  either way, be encouraged all of you who are hoping in Someone stronger than yourself to carry you through whatever is facing you.  He always wins!! :)

time for you to speak up!!

what a crazy week it's been!!  i journaled about it forever in the van ride back today (sunday) and more will come later.  but def. not tonight.

for all 3 of you who keep up with this, this blog may be the best and the worst thing i've done- at the same time.  if it took you 5 minutes to read, it probably took me 10 times as long to write.  but i really feel like this could substitute for therapy.  it's cheaper, too!

i would love to write more about the wedding, but my brain is about to shut down 'cause i'm so blasted tired.

so i've decided to make this an audience participation note- ha ha!  now it's YOUR job to help me in my own little therapy session!!!

the reason is this:  not to use this as an excuse, but with as busy as i am i have a really hard time getting my little Bible reading in each day.  a friend said she often writes down verses and sticks them in her scrub pocket so that even if she can't even read it, she is at least reminded of its and His presence all throughout the day.

SO… i'd like to make a collection of encouraging/uplifting/etc Bible verses to carry with me.  i will go first and say that my new-favorite Bible verse is Ephesians 3:14-21.  it's pretty blasted awesome- you should read it and think about Paul praying for you to somehow be able to understand the non-understandable with the understanding that this impossibility is going to happen. 

i absolutely must get away from this and put myself to bed before i pass out on the living room floor, but i would definitely love suggestions to be shared!!  thank you for all the friendship and support you've been- all of you!!

***i actually wrote this last night, but couldn't figure out why this thing wasn't letting me add another post... got it!!***