jk, G. K. !!

someone gave me a copy of G. K. Chesterton's book The Everlasting Man, and because i was drowsing through most of my educational experience, i cannot for the life of me tell you if that's supposed to be italicized, underlined, capitalized, in quotes, or a combination of any three.  i guess it would depend on if i was talking APA, MLA, or turabian.   and i don't even know how to spell that, and neither does my spell check.  so i just had my mind blown away by this incredible author, and i forgot what i was going to say because my own grammar-snobbish hypocrisy has overwhelmed my being and i am about to wither in shame.

or i'll just take another sip of this fantastic caramel frappaccino from Starbucks, which is my hangout place tonight.  i've plugged in to David Platt, so at least i can follow his thoughts better and i know most of his grammar mistakes. 

side note: speaking of Starbucks, there's a poster in the bathroom that says Startbucks has been ethically making coffee since 1971. this is completely useless information unless they can provide what sort of ethical or philosophical worldview they can base that statement off of, but i appreciate their effort.

if this were a conversation and not just a blog post, there would have been a 3 hour awkward pause because there was some great coffe shop music playing and i got distracted.

and now i am sitting in my christmas-present Dr. Suess pajama pants waiting until tomorrow morning when i can eat again.

some co-worker who shall remain nameless until the hunger wears off convinced me to participate in a new program at work that is intended to revitalize my life, inspire dreams, increase my lifespan and lower my already borderline-dangerously low blood pressure.  yeah.  it's called the Healthy Heights program, and i get a free blood draw tomorrow to test my cholesterol and glucose.  later on, i will meet with a fitness trainer and set 3 new goals for this coming year.  the poster in the staff break room says i could earn $200, too.  yeah- guess what our main motivation was ;)

i preceded the fast with a trip to Starbucks, which happens to be directly across the street from Chick-Fil-A.  so if my LDLs are up 500 points tomorrow, i will know exactly why :)

until then, i shall wallow in bitterness because knowing i can't eat (stupid fasting lipid profile!!) is making me want food even more.  i also know that i really did let myself get talked into this, so i can't even blame my co-worker.  instead, i talked another nurse into also coming tomorrow morning, and into eating a last supper with me at said Chick-Fil-A. 

it has also occurred to me that if i eat too much Chik-Fil-A this year, i will not be able to fit into the royal blue scrub uniforms, which policy is also being implemented come January 1. 

i wonder how many more great thoughts i'll come up with tonight as i try to not think so hard about my kitchen FULL of FOOD….

'twas the night before Christmas... A8 style

'Twas the night before Christmas but you wouldn't know it,

Surrounded by faces too tired to show it.

The charts were all open, computers were humming:

The day shift was leaving, the night shift on-coming.

She looked at the room list- she had 1-5.

Her current assignment: just keep 'em alive.

She entered each room with a wave and a plan.

She assessed, smiled and left- then the real work began!

One look at the task list: she's in for a long one;

A second look made her wish she had the wrong one.

She whipped out those Post-Its like she was a pro,

Made her a list and then went on-the-go!

Room 1 wanted morphine, Room 2 had to pee.

Room 3 now had 7 IV meds- one IV.

Room 4 was asleep, 5 was too large to move,

She rolled up her sleeves and then got in the groove.

The first Christmas midnight had angels all singing

This one, however, set all the phones ringing.

1 needs some MORE morphine, 2's shouting from bed,

3's new-onset afib needs that 8th IV med

4- still asleep!  What a blessing tonight!

5 needs a turn, but no lift team in sight.

Christmas Day comes, but no rest for the weary

The vitals are late, but that smile's still cheery.

No feast in the breakroom, leftovers will do.

A mouth full of food when she's called by Room 2.

The Colase is working- glory be- what a mess!

Room 3 needs more vitals- lunch later, i guess :P

Second try eating is a peaceful success-

A couple co-workers and food she can bless.

A couple more hours, meds, I's and O's,

A couple minutes of charting, wait- there the phone goes!

It's 4 am now, all the sick ones are sleeping-

Her rhythm is set to the monitor's bleeping.

Light through the window, the end of the hall-

No snow- just some rain- is beginning to fall.

Her patients are breathing, they pulled through alright

She's tired as usual, after one not-silent night.

She hands off report to the day nurse in a hurry

They're all in good hands, she can sleep without worry

She sleeps half through Christmas- a small gift to give

In exchange for the knowledge she helps people live.

She's made for this job just like you were for yours

and the army and volunteers guarding our shores.

This world's full of givers- we like it this way.

We'd rather you celebrate this holiday!

She doesn't want pity- it sure could be worse...

But next time you see one, just go thank a nurse.

ha-ha-happy ho-ho-holidays!!

this may as well just go ahead and be my not-christmas letter.  last year i was so insanely busy there was no way at all any good letter would be mailed out, so i totally just posted one on facebook.  well, it worked great and i saved on postage.   once i have more out-of-state friends than i do "followers" on this blog, i'll feel less dumb sending out christmas cards at 3 per year.

this year has been absolutely incredible, with non-stop ups, downs, twists, curly-cues, u-turns and wide-open highways. major recollections from the past 12 months i've jotted down here, minor ones constantly replaced with newer minor recollections.  throw them all together, and you wind up with this thing called "life."  well, here's the overview of my "life" in 2011:

it was right before christmas last year when i finally had breathing space to realize that i had only a few months before graduation.  this had escaped me, buried under paperwork, clinicals, tests, reading assignments, and the occasional food break.  early january i took a big step and turned in a couple applications to local hospitals in anticipation of the coming degree and need of income :P i also got some practice at running a dorm room and work schedule on my own and focus on looking ahead while i could sleep in 'til at least 8 :)

my only real recollections of february revolve around that first weekend.  first 1/2 week of classes, in which our  nursing class covered about 2 weeks' worth of material.  me, recovering from a major headcold.  saying a big hello to all the friends i've collected over the past few years and hadn't seen in 2 months.  my computer crashing and dying right after class that required the purchasing of a new one, 8 trips to Best Buy, and meeting every one of the Geek Squad before the situation was resolved.  my birthday, which involved ALL of my favorite things and was so unexpected and happy for me that i forgot the headcold and forgave the Geek Squad.  All in one weekend, i know. 

spring break was upon me before i even knew it.  this year, our college ministry from church loaded up a van and a bus and boogied on down to New Orleans, where i learned so much about missions and following Christ in even the little things (like making random fruit salads for strangers in their kitchens) that i was shocked.  i think our whole group was impacted for the better, and we had a blast.

nothing happened in april. 

oh wait.  april was a David Platt conference at Union, birthdays for 2 amazing friends, a bridal shower for a third amazing friend, and the climax of our entire nursing school adventure- the 3-hour, 180-question "practice" NCLEX boards test.  it was a doozy, lemme tell ya!  yeah...all of that was in less than a week, too.  but i passed it with flying colors- confirmation #117 that nursing was my destiny. 

may...a month full of mixed emotions and excitement and a bit of sadness.  my mother made it through tornado warnings and horrid weather to Union for my induction into Sigma Theta Tau  (the nursing organization), co-signed on the apartment i'd found, and helped move stuff in before graduation.  i've never been good at goodbyes, and i'd been practicing all semester long, but i was still bad at it by May 21.  the excitement didn't come until that day when i put on that robe with the purple cord.  it had come.  i had survived nursing school as was about to hold in my hands the physical evidence of the accomplishment.

i went to the apartment and cried that night.

two weeks later i was leading 5-8 four-year-olds all over church for our NY City -themed VBS.  not lying when i say it was the highlight of my summer.  i had at least as much fun as the kids and i was glad at how well it came off.  one of the kids told me this past week about one of the Bible stories i'd told that week and my heart did an extra pitter-patter.  something stuck, even though i might not have guessed it back then :P

that same week i received the long-awaited and even-longer-dreaded email granting me official permission to register to take my NCLEX test.  the date i set: June 23.  i was able to visit my grandparents for a week and do some hard-core studying and see them, which was a really special time for all three of us, and very effective, as my grandad was taking the thought of me possibly failing as his personal responsibility, and actively avoided me unless it was one of our several 2-3 hour meal times when he talked non-stop (after he made sure i had read and studied a sufficient number of pages and tests that i had scheduled and marked out on a post-it).   

i walked out of the scary-looking building that thursday morning after taking the 75-minute test having no clue whether or not i passed, but really knowing that i did.  less than a week later there was legal documented proof- i was an RN.  a dream i'd had for 18 years was now a reality.

i went to the apartment and cried that night, too.

july 11, i started the 3-month orientation process at the local hospital that had offered me a job 9 days before graduation, depending on that RN license.  the third month was when i started night shift on my floor, a cardiac unit with some great staff that made adjusting much better. the period from graduation 'til july 11 was the longest time i'd gone without studying in school or working since my 11th summer (of life).  that realization shocked me.  the break was wonderful and relaxing (minus the hairbrained studying for Boards), but seeing a paycheck again was very rewarding.

it's true that nurses never stop learning, especially when we've only been nurses for a handful of months.  it has been a crazy, busy, nerve-wracking, wonderful, exhausting, exhilarating couple of months up on my floor.  every time  i want to give up (usually around 0430) i look at the ID badge with my name and RN on it...then get up and do the work knowing that i really do like it and that it's a privilege.  i don't ever want to take anything for granted or think i got here by myself.  i've done the "myself" thing, and it's a lonely, sad road. 

i saw my whole family for thanksgiving, participated in the annual Black friday shopping that my sister and i started, scooted back to TN and have been prepping for the holiday season, which for me has almost come to a close.  i said another sad good-bye to a couple more friends who have now also graduated from Union, i jumped on into our church's christmas musical production, hosted a come-and-eat-junk-food/bundt cake party at our apartment, and have just come back tonight from our sunday school class's christmas party.  it's been a very long time since i've laughed that hard for that long- we know how to play Dirty Santa right!! 

since i'll be working all christmas weekend,  i'm okay with this being my christmas.  the presents can wait til next week, but the past week has really capped off my year.  i have much to look back on with gratitude, and much to look forward to coming up quickly.  i've got friends, books, dishes, and the next 7 art projects lined up, as well as the new health program for the hospital's employees that a co-worker talked me into doing :P 

look back and rejoice.  count the blessings you've accumulated, if you are able to count that high.

then look forward.  brace yourself for what's coming- good and bad, knowing that in about a year you'll be able to look back and rejoice all over again.  despite the hard times, you've got Someone over you who knows it all and has got it under control, who will get you through it with His own omnipotence, who is… just utterly amazing.  He gave us christmas by giving us Christ- something i celebrate every day, tinsel or not.

i do hope that this year is easy to smile at, or if not, then i hope you have the kind of friends that i do- the ones who'll give you a box of tissues and a hug and a shoulder to lean on all with one hand because they're crying along with you and blowing their nose with the second box of tissues in their other hand.   things like that are ones i'll always look back on fondly, even while the future is running at me full speed.

ready or not, 2012 is coming with a bundle of surprises. 

i've got a smile, a stethoscope and some Vitamin C drops right here- bring it on!  

grab a mike and let's go!

i was totally determined to do the dishes tonight, but then i got an ouchie on my finger, so i can't possibly get it wet… guess they'll have to wait 'til tomorrow.  oh dear.  one of these days we'll actually use the dishwasher located so conveniently next to the sink that is currently about to throw the dishes back at me unless i tame the madness.

this week has been a doozy- no exaggeration there!  the weather has dropped several degrees, but i've been too busy to notice or care too much.  work was going super-duper until thursday night when *everything* happened.  all at once.  for 7 hours straight.  it was the most insane shift i've had yet, and caught me so off-guard that it was even more insane.  i have long since been over complaining about it, but rather i am proud of myself for having gotten through it without me or any of my patients dying.  i came close to having my own personal CVA in there, but with a strong dose of grace i managed.

afterwards i took a 3 hour sleep before experimenting in the kitchen with my new dangerous objects.  my grandmother gave me a bundt cake pan over thanksgiving (she had 3 or 4 anyway…) and so i found a recipie that required that i peel and shred apples.  so i have a swivel peeler, a grater, and a couple small paring knives.  final report: all my fingers are intact and the bundt cake was a smashing success.

 auto-correct is telling me that "bundt" is supposed to have a capital "b".  this makes me want to say bundt bundt bundt bundt bundt bundt bundt bundt bundt bundt with no capital letters at all.

union's graduation was yesterday, where the latecomers were shunted out to the overflow room, so we watched it dungeon-style on a green-tinted screen hanging on the concrete wall with pipes.  but it was still good.  we were all so proud of our friends who reached this point and are off to do great things.  the parting meal at Panera was a special time that made the good-byes a bit easier. 

didn't have too much time to get upset about it, because i took a nap and then dashed off to our church's 34th annual Living Christmas Tree production.

after clearly stating in no uncertain terms that i did NOT sing well and had never done alto, the music director still managed to convince me to join the LCT choir.  being around such great people every wednesday for several months made me wish harder that i had been blessed with a better voice.  but i was excited because i finally got to stand in the monstrously huge vaguely tree-shaped construction that consumed the entire choir area, completely blocked the baptistry and was infringing on the pulpit's personal bubble space.  the final show was this afternoon following church, and from the feedback, it was a hit.  i tend to agree.  it was just what i needed after a tough week.  it's amazing how much i benefitted from it, even the third time through. a simple story, told in song, that still carried such power that individuals are still affected by it centuries later. 

we disassembled the tree in record time- just short of 4 hours! i just wanna say i was right up there with the men, hauling steel beams with the best of them.  that was my workout for… the month.  so i'm good 'til New Year's, right?  i was searching for a spare set of biceps by the end, but putting 40 pounds of metal up a flight of stairs isn't any worse than some of the patients i've moved, so i think i did a good job.

i rewarded myself with ice cream and animal crackers for a midnight snack/meal, although now i'm even more cold than i was before.  brilliance is not always one of my most prominent character traits.

i came home feeling much better than i had left home.  most of my friends know that me and depression have some history together and i have been struggling for a while, trying to keep my head above the rising waters.  since we had 2 hours between church and choir call-time, i dropped my lunch on the floor, grabbed a back pew and just read straight through Hebrews.  i was able to let go of a few tears, coordinating it with when the sound guys were not on my half of the sanctuary.  so i was able to sing, feeling better already, having been incredibly encouraged.   i did not sing WELL, but i was kept far away from the microphones, so despite my presence, we sounded pretty freakin' good.  the climax was "I Have Seen the Light" done by 6 of our men who sounded absolutely phenomenal and we could see the response from the audience.  i teared up a bit there, too, but the song deserved it so i can admit this online. 

there's nothing "magical" about this time of year, but good things happen and lives are changed when we make such a concentrated effort to remember the one who really did change the world and tell everyone we see about Him.  it doesn't matter how great you think your voice it- you've got a voice, so use it to make someone else's Christmas utterly amazing!

cottage cheese, anyone?

i am now recovering from some major lymph node dumpage into my sinuses, which means that until my head clears up, everything tastes like boogers.  and i'm a nurse, so i say that all the time before i realize normal peoples' lives don't revolve around sickness and gross-ity.  sorry.  i'm not normal.  i try so hard, but i haven't gotten the hang of it yet ;)

i felt so gross today that i needed to eat something, but since i'd felt gross since coming back from faraway places i hadn't cooked anything.  and i really needed some canned fruit, frozen vegetables and ice cream.  i will never hear an explanation for cravings that makes sense.  even if it did make sense, i wouldn't care.  when i need canned fruit, frozen vegetables and ice cream, nothing less will suffice. 

by the time i left krogers, there was also some V-8 juice, saltines, hot chocolate and cottage cheese.  i had no idea that was missing from my life until i saw it. 

i'm going to have to figure out how to make that craving come back so i can finish the container.  the larger one was cheaper than the smaller one.  since i still don't feel like cooking, i have no idea what sort of nonsense i'll be eating tomorrow night at work, but so far… nope.  not bothered.  i had my cottage cheese and veggies and fruit and ice cream so i'm good.  the saltines are even more amazing than they looked from the aisle.  

despite the fact that i've had only a couple hours of sleep since….a very long time ago, i'm also going slightly delirious and was having trouble walking in straight lines and even standing upright.  i appear to be past that and have hung some christmas lights around the room, cleaned up the living room, done a bumload of dishes and… i really need sleep.  this is ree-diculous.  my tummy is no longer threatening to revolt and my sinuses are slowly but surely coordinating themselves with the rest of my immune/respiratory/GI systems.  life is good.  i was pretending to be whiny at work last night because my stomach was whacked out and i was on-call for two hours before...being called in to work anyway.  but it was a good night with some good patients and several good moments with some co-workers.  other nurses.  which is great because then we can all be socially inappropriate at 3:30 am with no weird looks.  i have been blessed with much, and i'll even include the sinuses here because normally they're very well-behaved.  and even when they're not, i have cottage cheese.

i am so blasted proud of my grandfather right now.  it's ridiculous. 

this is the first year in a very long time that my grandparents have not been the central part of the thanksgiving festivities.  it was really quiet (when the youngest cousin Liana wasn't buzzing around keeping things lively), and when the 20-and-up group was alone the grandparents' absence was the predominant theme of conversation anyway. 

the reason being that my grandmother just had back surgery a couple weeks ago and has been ordered to avoid cars for every purpose except her next doctor appointment in january.  one look at her MRI and you'd wonder how she could move at all beforehand.  now she takes an occasional Tylenol- such an improvement!!  the best part (aside from her doing so well) is watching Grandad's improvement. he has not only mastered the coffee pot, but also the washing machine, shopping trips and microwave.  it's quite impressive to watch this transformation.  in june, much encouragement was required and many questions asked before there was toast and coffee available.  now that Grandmother is not able to bend, lift or twist (BLT) he has been adequately prepared and is even confident in the kitchen. he's made extensive notes on the entire surgery process and ensures that every medicinal regimen is followed to the letter, and keeps track of how many feet she walks up and down the driveway, if she does her physical therapy stretches, and that the handrails are used. the little nurse inside of him has stepped up to the plate and the little in nurse inside of me is just smiling like mad.

she sat down today in one of the armchairs in the living room and he immediately reminded her to scoot back against the chair back as he went upstairs.  i love how she said she would, and then waited 5 minutes until we heard him walking around upstairs before she did.  she also boldly checked inventory in the pantry without Grandad's permission and he instantly verified that every last guideline was strictly followed, with not even a hint of bending or lifting or twisting before he calmed down.  they've done a bunch of changes in the home to make her more mobile and we discussed over dinner how the whole point of him easing away from helping her too much was to make sure she could get around without breaking any bones if he were ever not available.  "of course...the next semi around the corner could take care of that," as he so cheerily reminded us. if you've never met Puddleglum from the Chronicles of Narnia, you should.  he's my favorite character of them all, and he reminds me of Grandad, who is also a personal favorite character of mine :)  they've both got spunk- as does Grandmother.  i plan on being just as spunky as her when i'm that age.  if i don’t wanna scoot back in my chair, then i'll daggum wait until i hear him comin.' prince charming, you've been warned ;)

i find humor in the fact that they are already checking out assisted living facilities in the area and have ruled out one because they are "cocky and expensive."  although they do have some friends in both of two places that are still living.  and some in both places that have died.  "hmm, that does seem to happen over there sometimes, doesn't it?  many people go in, but few come out."  i love how okay they both are with this.  they know where they're going, so do i, and nobody can complain if they might seem almost eager at times.  no physical therapy where she's headed!!  no walkers, handrails, medications, doctor appointments, back stretches or fall hazards.  no side effects, pain or diets.  none of these arthropods known as "camel crickets" that Grandad warned me about last night.  i was wondering where the name came from and then i saw one. it pounced and i thought "that's why they're called camel crickets", because that bugger could hop right over one with no effort (if there had been a spare camel lying around).  it was remarkably speedy and high for a tiny little cricket.  then i saw a second one and re-evaluated.  i'm now thinking the name comes from their size, not jumping distances. i felt i needed a weapon.  lacking one, i settled for a harsh glare until it mysteriously vanished, as creepers generally do.  i got to explain why a spider's legs always (and only) curl up when it's dead- because their circulation is what keeps them opened up.  we also included all kinds of medical tests and equipment and doctors and insurance and heart rhythms in our dinnertime conversation- one of the few places i still get to do that and not be judged :)  but Grandad is getting to be good at conversations concerning the medical world so it gets even better. 

hopefully next Thanksgiving Grandmother will be able to get up to the annual get-together, even if the walker is involved in her life for a bit.  one step at a time, Grandmother- one step at a time!!

happy re-birthday to you!

i have many thankfulz this time of year. 

the frost has come, solving our arthropod problem.

i have a steady job that will last as long as people continue to have chest pain- so basically, i'm good.

i have a family complete with all manner of side notes, asterisks, and problems, but also a uniqueness all its own that makes it...well, my family (don't we all!)  :) 

i have what i need and more, always blessed beyond what i'd ask for or realized i needed.

for me, it is also an especially thankful time because i celebrate a special personal holiday that alot of people don't.  it's a re-birthday, although i've heard a couple other names for it.  yeah, it's a bit on the cheesy side, but it's the only reason i can celebrate anything at all ever.  while the federal government knows my birthday to be in february, i can point to the calendar page where i really started LIVING, and that's November 22, 2009. 

one simple prayer and meaning came to meaningless life, joy to an aching heart, and a purpose to nursing school :P routine religion suddenly was replaced with an actual relationship with a huge invisible, omnipotent deity who had had it all under control all along. to me, that's more important than a birthday that i don't remember and when i don't think i looked my best anyway :P  it's why 11/22 is my facebook birthday, except for about 24 hours in february, when i celebrate sharing a birthday with 2 excellent friends who have positively influenced my life, and a few other excellent friends who know both dates even when facebook doesn't tell them :)  i still love getting wall posts on both days, especially from those who don't know which birthday is which.  it's pretty cool- especially since it means i can tell again the reason why.  it's been two years and i still haven't gotten tired of it!

no party, no presents, no festivities- just me and God having a happy moment, which was just as good and better.  i even got called off work so my happy moment was largely expanded!