Easter dreams are the best!!

She sat there.  still.  holding her breath.  alone. knowing, and dreading the impending sounds about to hit her ears. her brain was fried, senses so sharpened she wanted to cover her ears from the deafening boom coming.

the gavel rose…

she was so exhausted. the proceedings had gone on forever, it seemed. day after day for years she had sat in the same hard wooden chair that was just NOT designed for comfort.  but i guess when you're the accused and your life is at stake, a bit of discomfort is non-consequential. dozens of witnesses, questions, answers, cross-questionings...all saying the same thing.  there could really only be one conclusion and at some point a good long time ago even the defense attorney had realized this and booked it. she could turn her head a tad and see some family members in attendance… and a couple more sitting with the crowd of witnesses.  no smiles, just faces so bored and glazed-over you couldn't help but think of the stale donuts left over in the back room. no point in putting a happy face on a dismal situation.  no point now in pretending; it was even written all over the jurors' faces.  no point in hoping.  there was no fall-back, no safety net, nothing.  the jury filed out, turned around and filed back in before the swinging door had reversed its direction.  the judge's gavel, which was already in the air, rose higher.  the defendant stood on shaky, stiff knees, head bowed.

but before the judge let it fall, the door in the back opens, as does the judge's mouth.  she peeked- and saw the most...ordinary man ever. so ordinary it was extraordinary. a completely unreadable face.  no fear- sadness. peace.  determination.

hope.

for her.

he walked forward, straight up to the bench, then took a right.  up to her.

"Step down." he held out his hand and she was numb enough to wordlessly obey.  she stood there a bit sheepishly as the man stood in front of that blasted hard chair.  turning back to the judge, whose hand was still in the air and whose mouth was still open, he simply said, "Proceed, your Honor."

"Are you sure you want to do that?  Do you have any idea what is happening here?"

"Yes, to both."

"But a LIFE is at stake here!!"

"Yes. My life, now. Whatever the sentence, I will pay."

"Sir, you have one more chance to step down."

he stood. three seconds later he was pronounced guilty and without a twitch let the guards lead him out. 

one backward glance- that's all she got.  but it was enough. twenty years of guilt, sorrow, hurt: gone.  one backward glance washed away every sort of negative emotion, any cries of sympathy and guilt, and left not much else.  of the entire range of conceivable human emotion, only these three remained: faith, hope, and… love.  faith as she'd only heard rumors of, hope she'd never believed attainable and love unspeakable.

she woke up, a couple years later, but no less real. 

a couple bad days, a couple bad nights at work- it doesn't take much for her to remember where it all began.  but it only takes one good day, like this one, to remember also where it all ended so that she could begin again.   the chair… the ugly, old, chair sat off in a corner.  an instant reminder- not of herself though.  of him.  the one extraordinarily typical man who took her place because of love. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

it's only half a dream.  maybe less, maybe more.  not sure how awake i really was last night when it kind of planted itself in front of me. 

mostly i just remember  several days ago.  yet another flashback that basically pinpointed my weak points and routed my defenses.  frustrated at the idea of another skirmish lost, a thought came to me. a single word.

"Tetelestai."

It is finished.  it's done.  DONE!!! 

the Savior said it. if He's done with it, so am I.  the feeling of a burden lifted again- exhilarating!

to tell the truth, the memories may always be there. but to tell the Truth..it's okay.  the gavel's down, lawyers gone home.  just me and a wonderful, hideous cross of wood that shouts a louder sentence than "Guilty."  it says, "Justified."

totally worthy of a celebration- more than one a year, i think.  in a moment of tiredness and humanness, i spent too much of an evening (the same evening as the dream, actually) upset that i was scheduled to work on Easter.  i let myself have a pity party and then said- I'm done with this nonsense.  let the co-workers have this sunday off- i will more than make up for any lost celebrating on the last, greatest and longest Easter day.  the one that will never ever ever ever ever end and that will have absolutely NO need for night shift nurses.  because there will be no sick people and not a shadow to be seen... at least not where i'll be- at the feet of my Judge-turned- Father/Redeemer getting more than just a passing backward glance of His face :)

the deuts are on to me!

so after days and days and more days of reading Deuteronomy, the last book of the Pentateuch is drawing to a close… in just a couple more days.  it is still a struggle to keep going on, especially on days when i would much prefer to read a book with, i dunno, something more of a plot line.  most of the past 28 chapters has been Moses standing in front of thousands and repeating to them everything we heard about in Leviticus.  it makes sense- they had 40 years to forget everything and we only had a week or two...and yet we mess up just as bad and as often as they did. 

i was in one of those "i'm sick of it all" moods driving to work one evening, and MercyMe just saved the whole Pentateuch for me.  That CD had been in the player for a while because i brought all the other CDs inside, so nothing to replace it with.

and they played me this song:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYohmsvlA10&feature=related

and it made me so happy i played it a couple more times until i got it totally stuck in my head so it could then play indefinitely, whether or not i was in the car.

it put such a perky view on the Law i couldn't help but appreciate it.  while i know that God was very serious about the laws He gave, it was so that He could bless them, those around them, and thereby bring glory to His name.  a quick read shows only 600-something rules that are overly restrictive, random,  and so inconsequential that i can see all those isrealites rolling their eyes and obey, but only grudgingly.  He wanted them to follow out of love, there's just no easy way to state that without it being yet another law, not love.

my next thought was "i wonder how much better they could have remembered those rules if moses had just rock 'n rolled it :)  oh wait- those robes might get in the way.  

but i do love how songs are such great ways to remind ourselves of things otherwise forgotten. and how approaching the Law with a positive, love-based outlook does much better than just counting the tassels on your robe with a sigh.  i feel so bad for all the pharisees who just never "got it," even when Jesus said it plainly to their faces and lived it out in public for years.  i don't mock them, because i WAS them until my eyes were finally opened to the real Law behind the law. 

so hooray for laws and grace sufficient to cover our long long trail of failures.  maybe deuteronomy is not quite so bad afterall!

the one where she seriously over-estimates herself

yeah. 

i think i really did it this time.

Hobby Lobby is going to be the death of me.

the good news is that i will probably die insanely happy.  the bad news is that i will also be insanely frustrated.  and poor.  very very poor :)

one of the belated birthday presents i got was, of course, a Hobby Lobby gift card.  it was, of course, one of the best present EvEr.  i had to wait until i had a shopping list for the store, and then i had to wait again until i could remove (most of) the list so that i would not spend more of my own money than i had to.

fail.

but anyway, since i had just recently re-found and finished a simple cross-stitch project from a good number of years ago (8-12 are all good numbers, right?) i decided maybe i wanted to try another one.  it didn't take very long to narrow down the selections to 2, then a bit more deliberation and i chose one of the Lord's Prayer with a pretty border, a good price tag, and didn't look too complicated.

fail.

 

at least a week went by before i had any time to look at it, and when i did…

d

a

g

g

u

m

!!!!!!!

yeah… there's only about 30 colors of floss in a wad that i had to separate, and THEN figure out which one is light blue, or is it periwinkle, light periwinkle, or dark periwinkle or lavender? 

yeah… THEN if you take ONE strand of the off-white and combine it with ONE strand of cream then you get a whole new color with its own symbol on the chart!!

THEN i looked at the chart, and wondered if i had enough Excedrin to demolish the migraine i got that was the size of Wisconsin. 

the despair that i felt… oh my word!  i'd never have the patience to do this!! what on earth was i thinking?!!? i had no idea where to start.

i chose NOT the middle, which is what the instructions said.  that sounded dumb.  who starts ANYTHING right in the middle? that's right- NOBODY.

well, i decided to kick myself into starting by saying that the hardest part is the first stitch.

i may blog again in 90 years when i am overcome by arthritis, can't read the chart or thread a needle, and the blasted thing still isn't done and tell you that it's not true.

but the thing is, i started.  after 3 long, intense stitching sessions, i have for the most part complete just over 2 square inches.

perspective: this is an 11x14 cross-stitch.  thankfully, the middle is mostly empty except for the words, but still… there's alot of border.

the only question: will my stubbornness carry me through, or will my patience give out?  i know myself too well, and as i already confessed, it took me a decade to both start AND finish a tiny little cross stitch with only 6 colors, none of this 30+ colors stuff. 

since i'm recovering from a different migraine, i shall only look at the pile of neatly categorized-in-a-heap cross-stitch stuff and be thankful that i began.  and for the pancakes i made for dinner :)  and tea :) so many other things i could have blogged about, but this one is staring back at me now.  the ten other blogs running through my head still need to be processed or it would just look like a foreign language to anyone who reads this.

if anyone reads this…

if you want to do something (provided it's safe, healthy, legal and doesn't compromise your ethical and moral guidelines or threaten another life)… go do it!  the hardest part is the first stitch (so far)!!!

and no, i don't know why i capitalize Hobby Lobby and almost nothing else ever. 

the one where she talks

i realized this past week how long it's been since i posted anything on this blog.

actually, that's not true.  i lied.

i don't know how long it's been because i never actually looked it up, but i did realize that it had been a long time.

i wish i could say i spent the entire time in sunshine and bliss, learning all kinds of amazing things and putting every second to good use, but that would probably not be true either.

i have been busy, though.  i got called in to work an extra shift, becoming the middle of 5 consecutive nights on the floor.  i love my job very much, but the overtime pay was only a percentage of the compensation i wanted.  and no, i don't mean i wanted more money. 

most everything i've been learning the past few weeks is more about myself than anything else. and it's been an interesting, if not at times discouraging or blessed time, depending on what i just learned. 

instead of giving anything up entirely for Lent, i decided to rather emphasize spiritual growth in everything i did.  so i put away a couple of my fun literature and exchanged them for books from the church library.  i turned off the country radio stations (which means...i turned off the radio entirely, because there's nothing else on- ever!) and have been limited to my small collection of CCM and what i can stream online at home.  the movies have been mostly not played and so i have been diving into all kinds of sermon topics with David Platt, who never leaves me without something good and deep to think about.

not gonna lie- the first couple days of detox were difficult.  without anyone else around all night when i'm awake, i'm used to just plugging in a couple Psych episodes while i putter around my craft table or the kitchen. without those, it felt too quiet.  i hated it.  and i hated how dependent i felt on background noise to replace just being quiet or having a more directed quiet prayer time.

last sunday one woman at church let slip that traditionally during Lent, each Sunday is a "free day."  so yes, i am watching Lord of the Rings for the dillionth time, but i have had a fairly good week, all things considered and don't feel guilty at all.  and i am looking forward to the new books i picked up this morning.

first off: "The Cross of Christ" by John Stott.

i LOVED it.  couldn't put it down.

second: "Respectable Sins." by Jerry Bridges.

i'm learning to love it.  the horrible thing about it is that it totally puts all the "tiny" sins that we blow off right in front of my face.  but that's the first step in getting rid of it, so i just have to learn to humbly accept that i'm a fallen human being which is hard to do. our sunday school class has formed our own sunday evening group that is working through this book together, and it always seems to weird how each week's lesson corresponds with temptations and failures we all have had that week.

this week was frustration, anxiety and discontentment. yeah.  not only does God quite blatantly say "DON'T DO THIS," but we do it every day, think it's okay, and ignore every single of the many verses that say He's already got it under control and we're just doubting Him and His care each time we freak out.

can. not. wait. to see what i'm lacking in this week!! (only a bit of sarcasm there...which he addresses in an upcoming chapter).

our journey through the Bible had us sludging through Numbers this whole week, two more days of it to go.  it's been rough for the most part (there were an awful lot of… well, numbers.) but also some incredible stories that we forget about until we take the time and read possibly the most boring book of all 66.  the bronze serpent still does something for me, and seeing Joshua step up to a huge challenge and prepare to take it on once Moses is gone is inspiring.  the Israelites' anxiety and discontent cost them 40 years in a giant desert because they doubted God could take on a couple Nephilim. 

i know all about being discontent and anxious, and i'm deciding now to not waste a lifetime doubting.

soooo not worth it!

with Pharoahs like that, who needs a wadi?

of all the classic (and less classic) Bible stories, the Red Sea crossing always fascinated me.  it was near the top of my "I wish I could have been there" list, right up with that whole Mt Carmel incident and a sky full of angels singing about a new baby in a barn. 

just the thought of seeing every law of physics overcome- fire, water, and sticks doing things that fire, water and sticks would never ever do otherwise- an army of well-trained charioteers chasing down a couple million ragtag slaves who are just as confused as their shepherd leader who has very little idea of what's going on...what a great story!!

our adventure through the Bible had us in Exodus this week.  i had The Prince of Egypt playing the background music for the first several days, but knowing it must have been many more times as dramatic in real life. 

i wonder if it were coincidence that led a friend to forward a link to some PowerPoint slideshow made by someone who think they have the entire story worked out and can pinpoint exactly when and where the whole deal went down, including photos, maps, and un-retrievable evidence that proves every word in Exodus.

For some reason that didn't sit well with me.  i know and believe that every word is true, but i was sincerely disappointed in the way their material was presented.  it also reminded me of an episode i saw on the History Channel, which presented almost the same exact idea, with their own photos, maps, and un-retrievable evidence that showed how great and clever Moses was.

Clever?.. Moses?

i'm sorry- what Bible version are YOU reading?  Hand-picked by God, yes, but clever is not exactly how i would describe the man. 

i tend to shy away from stories that pull Bible verses and some hieroglyphics together and fit just enough of it together with some historical artifacts that "prove" the Bible stories...and leave God out of it entirely.

the History Channel told me how Moses was so brilliant that he led all of Israel to this specific point in 'near' the Red Sea that had this wadi that seasonally drained of water due to shifting winds so that they could scamper across on *mostly* dry (but still very very soggy) ground.  the Egyptians were apparently idiots because they tried to get across with their chariots but got stuck in the soggy mud and some of them died and going around the wadi would take too long and that's how Moses the fantastic tactician accomplished the Great Escape of the whole BC era.

well, i wasn't there much as i would have liked to have been.  and i have no doubt that there is truth in some of what they said. wadis = awesome. ( i really like that word!! wadi wadi wadi wadi wadi wadi wadi!!!) 

but i also know there's ALOT of truth that they left out, leaving them with a pretty cool story with a whole lot of holes in it that they cannot just patch over. 

the whole point of a miracle is that there is no other explanation for it.  those plagues?  the wise men could only figure out the first couple (which i found ironic- they were only multiplying the trouble on themselves) with their dark magic.  Moses was chosen because God knew He'd get all the glory  when Moses lifted a simple stick  before a wind blew and walls of water lined a DRY path to safety and freedom. 

secular America is seriously missing out.  some of them know about the plagues and fire-pillars and everything, some of them are still impressed with the History Channel that can't pick a side on anything approaching religion, but some of us want more.  and we have more!!  we have a God who can blow our minds with His greatness that is beyond all our powers of comprehension.  moving some water to the side?  effortless.  turning sticks to snakes and back to sticks… raining fire and brimstone down…  directing every single individual locust of the swarm that literally blanketed a nation?  He didn't break a sweat.  Moses didn't NEED to be a heroic military genius.  good thing, too- otherwise Israel would still stuck.  he knew his limitations, that they were many, and that he couldn't think of a single more unqualified person to listen to the burning bush and do what the I AM told him to.  what he was in the process of learning is that God has NO limitations and that every quality needed for any task would be found in this God.  God didn't need the help of the seasonal water flow, mountain range or any wadi. 

no matter the trouble, God is the answer.  Pharaoh = imposing, scary, angry and life-threateningly so. 

God= well, just watch. i think you'll be impressed.

no time like...right now!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIeTvJ9U2dw

23 is just a weird number.

having a 23rd birthday is about as exciting as seeing tuesday follow another monday.  no new privileges or rights to celebrate or pretend to exploit, most long-time friends have graduated and gone on with their lives and we're all getting big-person jobs, settling into a routine.  i'm deciding right now i don't want 23 to be a routine year.

if ihad any wish to make for myself this coming year, i think this song comes closest to expressing it.  i want to live in such a way that i don't have regrets- lying awake all day (silly night shift!) wondering how it would be different if i had said spoken up when i should have, done something radical when the opportunity presented itself, blessed someone expectantly when i had the chance that might never come again.  if i live this year with God's approval being my ultimate aim and not holding back for fear of anyone around me, then it will be a good year indeed. 

the dramatic pause... and then-

as noted in the previous post, our sunday school class has been reading through Job this week and i stinkin' can't wait for tomorrow because the reading includes the best chapter EVER of Job, approaching my favorite chapter of the whole old testament.

but something struck me the other day right at 31:40… "and the words of Job are ended."

he's given his best for a solid three chapters of poetry proclaiming his innocence and frustration with the way his life has gone.  that much prose is enough to exhaust even a normal, healthy individual, much less one in Job's state of being. 

there was nothing left for him to say.

no more words to use to defend himself.

he's done.

finitando.

it's almost like you could see him right there, collapsing against a wall out of breath, out of energy, out of mind.  out of reach from his fantastic companions .  no more tears for him to cry, his only resources being some chunks of broken pottery. 

as soon as i read that, i had to stop and just stare at the finality of that statement. 

and then i wished i was there so i could give the poor guy a hug...despite the gross sores. ( ewwwww!)

i know EXACTLY how it looks like he felt, except that i was never a huge, successful man who was completely upright and righteous and so in tune with God that i couldn't find fault with myself even when i sat down and wracked my brains.

but other than that…

my mind went back to that summer two and a half years ago.  i was right at that point.  every tear fell away only to be replaced by several more.  every prayer felt like it was just hitting the ceiling and dropping to the floor.  i'd cut out most of the friends from my life and struggled to find purpose in my life.  i had no explanation for why so many other people had decided to hurt me, with the only conclusion (that i could see) being that somehow i must have deserved it in their eyes.  by trying to justify that i turned to a rabid form of self-loathing, but knowing that it was wrong yet not having any other excuse for them or for myself.  back then, the book of Job REALLY didn't make sense… i was totally on Job's side- if i was a good little Christian the way i thought i had been, then how could these horrible circumstances happen?  how could my life be so devoid of joy that i hated waking up each morning?  how could i know all the "right" answers to everything yet feel utterly alone and without God?

it took a couple months even beyond that point. 

but then the words of Evangeline (FINALLY!!) were ended.

there was nothing left for me to say.

no more words to use to defend myself.

i was done.

finitando.

but that's when it happened.

God spoke.  in a slightly different manner with me than with Job, but He most definitely spoke.  Job needed to hear how big, how amazing, how beyond imaginable God was- who better to tell him than God Himself? If God could hang the stars in the sky, He can see Job.  If He planned to create ostriches to be stupid (Job 39:17….good verse, read it ;), then Job most certainly couldn't doubt that God had planned Job's life down to the smallest detail and didn't want His creativity, integrity or justness disputed.  i needed to hear that He knew it all, had heard every single one of those prayers, had counted the innumerable tears and had just been waiting for me be done, so He could start something new in me.  my favorite part of my story is that the entire prayer of surrender...yeah.  i said just about nothing there.  the pastor was praying- i have NO idea what he said.  the church was singing one of my favorite and very applicable hymns ("Just As I Am") and all i said was "they're singing my prayer.  if you'll take me, i'm done talking."  and He said "okay. glad you made it- you're not late...just on time like I planned."  

both Job and I learned an awful lot about God in a surprisingly short amount of time.  there is indeed rest for the weary, a home for the wanderer, healing for such a heart-load of pain, forgiveness for the sinner, and life for the dead.  someone had told me that coming to God wasn't always a huge life-changing moment like it's something glamorize as being. 

there is absolutely NO WAY to UNDER-glamorize that experience.  the moment when Job opens his eyes in wonder and his jaw hits the sidewalk… awesome.  the moment when i shut up and suddenly felt life as though i'd been a zombie for the previous 21 years… incredible. 

i still have trouble learning how to be silent...takes practice, i guess.  but it's soooooo worth it no matter what on earth you have to go through to get there!!

i also have trouble keeping these posts to more manageable lengths...that also takes practice, i guess :)