most of the (tiny)
readership and many beyond have been informed and updated regarding my most
recent medical scare.
the one person in
our church who hadn't been just bumped into me at Panera, so now he's all
caught up as well. the one time i needed my main communicator to communicate,
he decided not to. (you had one job, Mr James- one job!). HIPPA is so proud.
despite everyone
else's better judgement, i felt an intense desire to go to church this
sunday. i knew for my emotional health
that i desperately needed fellowship. so 36 hours after discharge from the
hospital i returned to my normal pew and just listened to the choir for a final
rehearsal and sound check. i love
being able to sing the songs twice; once
just isn't enough for some of the classics.
and that's when the
biggest wave of guilt rushed up and soaked me, head to toe. i knew it was coming. i knew it was deserved. and i think i know at least some of what i
need to do about it now. open my big ole' mouth.
my devotions have
picked up pace a tad, and after dragging through hundreds of Old Covenant laws
and the establishment of Israel's theocracy, i am now into the period of the
judges. this is the point where every "good"
Christians does the "facepalm" and eye roll at every page. several times, you can't even read a single
page without seeing YET AGAIN the Israelites forget the God who saved them and
turn to poles and statues and animals- before falling again into war and
disease and fear. then a judge would arise, deliver God's people through his
faith in God and God's instruction and grace… and then the judge would
die. it's the "lather, rise,
repeat" cycle on every bottle of shampoo. over and over again.
and then you realize
you're no better, and quite possibly worse.
i've had all manner
of drama in my past. a lot of it i've been able to block from memory. a lot of
it i have not.
but the fact remains that i am still here. none of the past hundred attempts to take me
out has succeeded. damaged me, yes. hurt, heck yes. confused, angered, exhausted
me- oh, definitely. but didn't kill me.
tuesday morning at
0800, all i knew was that something was wrong and i didn't feel so hot.
and hour after that,
and for a day following, all i knew was that i had "a mass." there was "a mass" of unknown
etiology in my pelvis.
it could be
"only" a crazy-huge infection.
but it could be a tumor. there
could be meds, therapies, surgeries, medical equipment i've never seen before
and life-threatening procedures in my immediate future. i walked into a doctor's office with a stone
entryway, each rock engraved with a doctor's name- every one of them said
"oncologist."
my prayer life did a 180-degree turn. that's when the fear set in. in just a few
hours, i went from being a confident NeoICU nurse to a nervous, shift-change admit patient that every nurse
complains about.
i think i did a
pretty good job of keeping my mentors and closest friends and family
updated. one of them emailed the sunday
school group, someone said something wednesday night at Bible study, and i had
a half-decent internet signal to keep facebook peeps informed.
i am ashamed to say
what happened inside me, though.
outwardly, i kept up appearances.
i smiled and joked as much as i could.
i helped with the admission form and IV when it beeped. i took showers and wore my comfortable street
clothes as much as i could, staying out of the bed during the day and eating
what, and when, i was able. i never shed
a single tear.
i kept up as much as
possible with my devotionals, but my enthusiasm for the cities and landmarks of
the 12 tribes' boundaries waned to near zero.
i didn't care. part of me was
tired. all of me was angry and confused
and freaked out so badly my hair was about to frizz. i didn't know what to
pray.
so i didn't.
i knew other people
were praying, and i have seen their prayers answered. i know my prayers are so
weak they seem pitiful to me. i am not
good at seeing the answers to my prayers, though i see others'. i so often want to give up, or rush through
prayer the same way i choked down Leviticus.
i hoped like fury that was "good enough."
it's not. it's
just not.
even after the
crisis was over, and the pain turned out to be from an abscess and not a tumor,
the relief was as crippling as the previous fear. and i still didn't know what to say or pray.
"En-hakkore" means "The Spring of the
One Who Cried Out." good
ole' Samson named that one. he had just
whipped the tails (literally) of a thousand Philistine pagans with a donkey
mandible and a mean backhand serve.
after his workout he was thirsty and cranky and told God just what he
thought about the situation, demanding water like he deserved it. God answered, and water appeared out of a
hole in the ground. and Samson's
tortured cry of agony turned to one of (moderately) grateful praise. i came scary-close to a major faith crisis. i was dry and
at the end of my rope. i cried out for
an answer, any answer, but especially the better, safer, easier-to-fix
answer. and after a faithful
chastisement i was met with a merciful answer of the best possible diagnosis i
could hope for. my agony and fear melted
away and only an awed thankfulness was left in its place.
i sat in the pew
yesterday morning and heard, twice, the words to a classic that should never,
ever go out of style.
and i felt, twice,
the wave of guilt wash over me. it was
followed by an even bigger wave of grace.
i left, thoroughly drenched and thoroughly determined.
O For a thousand tongues to sing
My great Redeemer's praise!
The glories of my God and King,
The triumphs of His grace!
My gracious Master and my God,
Assist me to proclaim,
To spread through all the earth abroad
The honors of Thy name.
Jesus! the Name
that charms our fears,
That bids our sorrows cease;
'Tis music in the sinner's ears,
'Tis life, and health, and peace.
He breaks the power of cancelled sin,
He sets the prisoner free;
His blood can make the foulest clean,
His blood availed for me.
He speaks, - and, listening to his voice,
New life the dead receive;
The mournful, broken hearts rejoice;
The humble poor believe.
Hear him, ye deaf; his praise, ye dumb,
Your loosened tongues employ;
Ye blind, behold your Savior come,
And leap, ye lame, for joy.
Look unto him, ye nations; own
Your God, ye fallen race;
Look, and be saved through faith alone,
Be justified by grace.
i do not have a
thousand tongues. i have but one. and it has been silent too long. well, not
silent, but not singing like it should be.
i want my "loosened tongue employed." i had old classmates and
coworkers visit. i had daily texts and
messages and phone calls from friends and church members who sit waaaaaay
across the sanctuary, from those i haven't heard from in months or years,
parents of Cubbies. i got pretty
flowers, snack foods to appease my stupid cravings, a soft blanket that finally
allowed me to rest well. daily prayers
and posts let me know i wasn't as alone as i felt. i had good nurses. i had understanding doctors who admitted how
strange the situation was, which alone indicates that God had some purpose in
me being there. all this from Jesus, who put every one of those people in my
life. the same Jesus who saved Samson
and those silly, rebellious Israelites remained ever faithful.
if there is a single person who read my facebook posts
or texts and attributed any, ANY, of the pain relief, comfort, love, grace,
retreat of the disgusting abscess of monstrous proportions, increased tolerance of these horribly potent
antibiotics--
if for one moment someone thanks the Fates, luck, some
unknown Force- for ANY of that, then my tongue has failed. my single hope is that your tongue will join
mine, and that many more will join in. if there are a thousand
people, then there are hundreds of thousands of reasons to sing. we may be out of tune. we may not have the gusto that our choir did.
we may not even know most of the reasons to sing, but we know enough of them.
Jesus told the
religious elite that if His people didn't shout and sing His praise then the
rocks themselves would rise up and proclaim His worth.
o, for 999 to join
me in song, to silence the rocks and drink deeply from the Spring that appeases
all who call upon Him, no matter how thirsty or desperate! 
