i am no longer

it's been a while since i wanted my words to heard so clearly. there is such a burden on my mind and i'm afraid that if readers misunderstand me, super-bad reactions and things might happen.  so track with me, and ask questions before making assumptions or jacking your blood pressure up to IV metoprolol levels, please. that'd be awesome.

i have very dear, very close friends on both sides of the ongoing conversation the media is having.  we just now celebrated Memorial Day- a chance to remember that blood, sweat, and countless tears were shed to protect each American's undying right to have their own voice be heard, as long as it stays in an appropriate context.  if we forget our history, we are doomed to repeat it.  i think we're doomed, but still…

i think my struggle here is that i completely agree with both sides. 

but i also completely disagree with both sides.  and so i'm confused.  and hurting. yet strangely okay, as long as i remember my own history.  (key point right here).

*if you keep reading, please not that i have cited extensive sections of Paul's letter to the Romans, because i think his argument makes the case really very well.  these sections are in italics and indented, if you don't have time to read them now.  any bold type/emphasis is mine. two parallel trains of thought, so it might be easier to only read my text, then Romans 2-8 separately.*

i was literally just talking a couple weeks ago with a friend about the Duggars, and what the world would do when they all found out that they are not, in fact, the perfect family with no problems and no sin and no tears and nothing swept under any of their carpets.

and then it happened. 

just like it always does (always, always), sin that had hidden for so long reared its ugly head, and it's like every single TLC fan took a collective gasp in disbelief.  almost by accident, yet also by divine design, we learned that a teenager, raised by parents who are religious to the point of extreme, did some remarkably stupid things- sick things, really.

key point right here: what Josh Duggar did was wrong.  however sick and twisted he thought it was at the time, it was WAY more so.  he was a teenager, and we all know teens can be so stupid at times that we wonder how this human race has made it this far.  and we know that everyone involved knew beyond doubt that it was wrong because of the lengths everyone went to keep it quiet.  counseling for all involved?  great!  manual labor as punishment? excellent!  serious chats with law enforcement officers?  i'm all about that. 

here's where i'm divided. 

the Duggar fans cite all the above as proof that he's good to go, cheer him on for coming clean, say the parents did all they should have, and are thankful that he has changed his ways and is now the good leader of his own household. 

the non-Duggar fans point out that hiding this until the statute of limitations comes into play is kinda cheating the law, talking to a police officer with (huge, very huge) sins of his own probably wasn't the *best* idea, and that no amount of private counseling and manual labor is enough to blot out the "X" on his soul. 

i'm divided because… well, because ALL this, ALL OF IT, is (i believe right now) 10000000% true. all of it.

here's why:  i am that person everybody is pointing and staring at. 

i am that sinner.

i am that convict.

i am a murderer. an adulteress.  a liar, a cheat, a thief.

the only reason it's Josh's name and not mine  on everyone's "trending now" tagline is because he's on a tv show and i'm not.

99% of those active in my life know only about the past few years of my life.  they know (most of them) how old i am, how many siblings i have, that i no longer am a New Yorker, that i am a nurse.  they have either worked with me, lived near me or gone to church or college with me.  they all know the part of me that is excellent material for a family-friendly show- because we all know how pleasant life as a night-shift nurse is... BAAHAHAHA!! 

no but really, i don't care.  i wouldn't trade it for (just about) anything.

but there are a few, a very few, who know a bit more.  because they were there and actively involved when i came clean.

i remember, still so vividly, when i was finally able to look down and see the blood dripping from my own two hands, physically nauseous and dizzy from seeing my guilt, the pain i had caused, the wrongdoing i'd been involved it.  i could see my sin for what it truly was, and it was hideous.

there was a choice right then- or rather a collection of them- summed up in the one choice of "what in the flaming heck am i going to do?!?"

i could sweep it back under the carpet, limit it to the far reached fringes of memory, try some detergent to rid me of the stains and never speak of it again.  but no matter who knew or didn't, i could still feel the heat from the flames i was leaning over the

brink of.  i could see the "X" that no cleaning agent or bucket of tears could fully cleanse…. they could only smudge it a little.

so many people are angry that there's nothing the law can do now.  stupid statute of limitations- how dare they clear his record?  how dare those he hurt forgive him?  how dare he ever be happy again- there's no way he changed, there's no way his wife should stay with him, and there's no way he can ever be defined as anything but a scummy troll for the rest of his days!

well, from all i've learned, heard and read, there is no law, no moral code, no religion in this world that puts you in the right and Josh Duggar in the wrong.

the American penal system?  if you're going to complain that the law cleared him, then go to the police station right now and offer to pay the ticket price for every single time you've gone even 1 mph over the speed limit. every stick of gum you didn't pay for, intentionally or not. every stop sign you didn't completely stop for. the American law is trapped in so many double standards it can't see straight.  if a pregnancy is "wanted" by the woman yet lost in a car accident or miscarriage, then it's a child we mourn.  but if it's not wanted, it's just some tissue to be sucked out and tossed in the biohazard disposal container.  those who quietly follow a particular, non-popular religion are "intolerant," but those who target them, sue them, force them out of business, mock and slander them are only "fighting for their rights"?

you're really gonna trust in that kind of penal system to clear you, yet condemn him- and call that fair justice?

edited note: WHAT I AM NOT SAYING is that if you go 35 in a 30 mph zone, you deserve the same punishment in the American courts as a violator of children- the single most hated criminal, even to every other criminal.  flawed though it is, the American law provides punishments that seek to fit the crime, and i believe they should be kept, upheld to the fullest measure, and in many cases are way more lenient than i would be, and what other countries currently are.

WHAT I AM SAYING is that we have courts for that, and unless you are a certified judge or on a jury, your job is not to cast blame, until you also accept and make up for your own acts that, however "small" or "insignificant" are still illegal.  in this one situation with the Duggars, his crime is horrendous, but the legal system's hands are tied, so to speak.  the fact that the statute of limitations has expired is sketchy to say the least, but it is a fact.  it is also a fact that his victims have chosen to forgive him and asked that for their own sake the police file be done away with.  i believe the true hypocrites are those who grudgingly admit the victims' forgiveness, claim Jesus' forgiveness for themselves, even say there is God's forgiveness for the Duggars, yet refuse to forgive him themselves, though they do not know him personally at all and only what the media tells them. 

I AM SAYING that there are two laws at work- the American law, and God's law.  both have an answer to this, but from my experiences (which are more than you are thinking right now, i'm almost sure), God's law is the only flawless one that provides both justice to satisfy the red-faced screamers out there, and also appropriate amounts of perfect grace.

Buddhism, Hinduism, even many forms of cultural faiths don't say you're off the hook- they just give you all the retrys you want to get "life" right.  innumerable reincarnations until you're finally "good enough" to reach blissful nothingness.  (not even to ask where the "bliss" is, if there's nothing there…)

stick with that, and all you can say is that maybe JD needs a few more go-arounds than you.  can't really complain about him more than that.

none of these options is good enough though.  don't even kid yourself.  i think every single American, deep inside, is torn because we all have a craving for true justice.  there's a reason we only really like the crime shows that depict most or all of the "bad guys" being convicted and locked up for the rest of their lives- or heading straight to Death Row with no chance at an appeal. 

but we're also torn because deep inside, we also know it's not quite as cut-and-dry as those 43 minutes.  many of those convicts outwardly live lives at least as good as we ourselves do, and we know that if those "bad guys" are guilty (...which they are…) then so are we (…. uh-oh…). 

Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgement on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things. We know that the judgement of God rightly falls on those who practice such things. Do you suppose, O man- you who judge those who practice such things and yet do them yourself- that you will escape the judgement of God? Or do you presume upon the riches of His kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance? But because of your hard and impenitent heart you are storing up wrath for yourself on the day of wrath when God's righteous judgement will be revealed.

He will render to each one according to his works: to those who by patience in well-doing see for glory and honor and immortality, He will give eternal life; but for those who are self-seeking and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness, there will be wrath and fury...For God shows no partiality.

Romans 2:1-11

here's why:  i am that person everybody is pointing and staring at. 

i am that sinner.

i am that convict.

i am a murderer. an adulteress.  a liar, a cheat, a thief.

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spriit who has been given to us.

Romans 5:1-5

but we don't usually think about it outside those 43 minutes, do we?  nope.  we let that one case, with that one wrongdoing, completely define that one human being.  we're treating the real-life Duggar just as if he's just another tv-show character, but not holding ourselves to the same standards. 

here's why:  i am that person everybody is pointing and staring at. 

i am that sinner.

i am that convict.

i am a murderer. an adulteress.  a liar, a cheat, a thief.

my verdict was clear: guilty, whatever law you held me to.

my choice:  what is going to define my life?

i could have gone that route- i could choose to be defined by one act long ago, that left blood dripping from my hands.  those ugly moments from my life, those memories i can't be rid of, the faces of the ones i've hurt.

but i chose to be defined by one act much longer ago.

one act where Someone different, with hands dripping - not with someone else's blood but His own- took the stand and pled "Guilty" in my stead. 

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person- though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die- but God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 

Romans 5:6-8

here's why:  He was that person everybody was pointing and staring at. 

He was that sinner.

He was that convict.

He was a murderer. an adulterer.  a liar, a cheat, a thief.

Since, therefore, we have now been justified by His blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God.  For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of His Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by His life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

Romans 5:9-11

He himself was completely innocent, but He took those sins and literally made them His own, thereby literally making Himself guilty.  then He paid the price.  

Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned- for sin indeed was in the world before the law was given, but sin is not counted where there is no law.  Yet death reigned from Adam to Moses, even over those whose sinning was not like the transgression of Adam, who was a type of the One who was to come.

Romans 5:12-14

so where is the justice?  where is the justice for Duggar's victims? for all those wronged in ways that make the bile rise in our throats, our throats that are crying out in anger and indignation at the tragedies that happen at the hands of evil people? 

But the free gift is not like the trespass. For if many died through one man's trespass, much more have the grace of God and the free gift by the grace of that one man Jesus Christ abounded for many.  And the free gift in not like the result of that one man's sin.  For the judgement following one trespass brought condemnation, but the free gift following many trespasses brought justification.  For if, because of one man's trespass, death reigned through that one man, much more will those who receive the abundance of grace and the free gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man Jesus Christ.

Romans 5:15-17

some of the most healing words i received from a godly influence in my life were these:  the promise that despite the way it looks from our earthly perspective, there is true justice. 

EVERY SIN WILL BE REPAID.  those who accept forgiveness know that their sin has been taken by Jesus who met true justice with true humility and true love.

everyone else?  they will pay the price themselves.

one way or the other, every sin will be repaid, to the last measure.

Therefore, as one trespass led to condemnation for all men, so one act of righteousness leads to justification and life for all men.  For as by the one man's disobedience the many were made sinners, so by the one Man's obedience the many will be made righteous. Now the law came in to increase the trespass, but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

Romans 5:18-21

here's why:  they each are "that person" everybody is pointing and staring at. 

they are that sinner.

they are that convict.

they are that murderer,  adulteress, liar, cheat and thief.

if you had any idea of the true justice coming, you wouldn't complain that some merely mortal judge let a creep get off "scotfreo*"  in this life.  because he won't in the next when he faces the Eternal One.   

* the Old English language from which we get the term "scot-free," meaning "free, or exempt, from royal tax."

there is only one Law that makes for both ultimate Justice and ultimate Forgiveness. 

What then shall we say? That the law is sin?  By no means! Yet if it had not been for the law, I would not have known sin.  For I would not have known what it is to covet if the law had not said, "You shall not covet." But sin, seizing an opportunity though the commandment, produced in me all kinds of covetousness.  For apart from the law, sin lies dead.  I was once alive apart from the law, but when the commandment came, sin came alive and I died. The very commandment that promised life proved to be death to me.  For sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, deceived me and through it killed me.  So the law is holy, and the commandment is holy and righteous and good.

Romans 7:7-12

it's the law that means that i can say that Josh Duggar's actions were completely of the Evil One, yet i can say i forgive him because i have been forgiven.  he has either taken God's forgiveness openly offered to us all, of he will face more justice than we can stomach the thought of later on.  i don't have to judge him now, because i've already been judged, and God is Judge of all, not me.  i am every inch the sinner he is, and to condemn him is to condemn myself. 

yes, people- PLEASE CONVICT LAWBREAKERS and uphold all the measures of justice we can.  correct wrongdoing, repay what is stolen to the best of our ability.  to the courtroom judge, i say do your duty without prejudice.  jury, seek the truth and hold citizens accountable.

What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it/ Do you not now that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? We were buried therfore with Him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life.

[…]

What then? Are we to sin because we are not under the law but under grace? By no means! Do you not know that that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness? But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness. I am speaking in human terms because of your natural limitations. For just as you once presented your members as slaves to impurity and to lawlessness leading to more lawlessness, so now present yourselves as slaves to righteousness leading to sanctification.

Romans 6:1-4, and 15-19

but do it knowing that outside the courtroom (and a few times within) there is a place for grace, mercy, forgiveness.  [a lot of] people do [eventually] change, and a horrible, stupid teenager doesn't [always] make a terrible, stupid adult.

For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness. But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death.  But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life.  For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 6:20-23

here's why:  I AM NO LONGER that person everybody is pointing and staring at. 

I AM NO LONGER that sinner.

I AM NO LONGER that convict.

I AM NO LONGER a murderer. or an adulteress.  or a liar, or a cheat, or a thief.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.  For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do.  By sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.

[…]

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him graciously give us all things?  Who shall bring any charge against God's elect?  It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died-more than that, who was raised- who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, "For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered."

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:1-4, and 31-39

amen.  hallelujah, amen!

follow the yellow brick Romans Road-...then do as they do

for some reason that i've already forgotten (it was a really great one), my roomie and i decided to put off chores for another night and watch Aladdin, because  childhood is always better second time around- when we can choose our own bedtimes.  and since the Genie got us on a Robin Williams kick we found another gem on Netflix- Jumanji, which i have never watched all the way through.  at one point in there, as monsoons, terrorist flowering vines, rhino stampedes, pelicans, creepy monkeys and a psycho hunter pour forth from this poor old house, the crazy monkeys run past a movie store (that in one scene you see is an adult store with XXX-rated movies for sale…) and see the Wicked Witch of the West's flying monkeys having a pow-wow and they decide to join in.

i do not know why this movie would be in an adult store, or if there is simply a second video store.  do not ask me. 

but wherever it is sold, i love the movie.  it took a while, after surviving a REAL tornado, but once the PTSD went away i actually appreciated it more.

 

after doing just about everything you're NOT supposed to do in a 'nader scenario, she whacks herself unconscious, wakes up in a brightly colored alternate reality/dream world, and says… "i don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto."

she's a genius, that one.

then she just jumps right on in with the shenanigans of the Munchkins, joins the parade and becomes best friends with a crack-happy Glinda.  once the party and song are over, she realizes that now she's got to DO something.  but what?

well, duh- clearly follow the yellow brick road. 

which one?

the one that the song ended with you standing on.  it's like it knew or something…

she is standing on the exact spot where it begins.  and then she inches along, tip-toeing around every curve of the spiral and then on down towards the Emerald city, step by step.  

we're about to complete yet another year of Cubbies tomorrow night, where the 2-6 teachers will attempt to demonstrate to the parents how much these 3-5 year olds have learned.

it's gonna be great.  i hope i don't cry.  if there are tears on my face, it's either because i'm proud they actually did what they were supposed to (stand in a line and say 2 short verses) or because i'm laughing at what i'm anticipating being the outcome (…. not what we practiced…).  

one song about the joys of being a Cubby.

one "A" verse. ("A" stands for "All." All have sinned.  Romans 3:23)

one "C" verse. ("C" stands for "Christ." Christ died for us. Romans 5:8)

that's it.

having emerged from the Jumangi-Jungle of Thistly Theology only in the past handful of years, i sympathize with Dorothy, wondering where in the world to go, and how in the world to get there, and then what in the world to do.

well, silly, you do like the Cubbies, sing a ridiculously happy song, and then walk on down the Romans Road.

sounds crazy, but it's true.

it's what we've done every week with our Cubbies. 

it's what we've done every mission trip i've been on.

it's what we do with non-Christians.

it's what we *should* do with Christians.

you start at the very beginning, and you go from there. 

it's simple enough that kids can understand it. 

it's SO simple that ONLY those with the attitude of a kid CAN get it.

i told a friend today that i often feel… stupid.  the word is stupid.

i was given a friggin' ton of Bible-knowledge growing up.  even though 99.110% of it was tainted and twisted into non-truth, the Bible-knowledge is something that too many don't have.  but now i have to completely reconstruct an entire theology.  the only way i can see to do that is to figuratively speaking throw out EVERYTHING and only take back in what is really true.  it's not an easy task.  it's not overwhelmingly fun.  it feels stupid.  there are so many things i only understand on the level of these Cubbies.  so much that i am literally AND figuratively on a 4-year-old level.  i see Christians my age raising families, teaching LifeGroups, witnessing all over Jackson, writing books and poems and songs, celebrating all these miraculous truths of the Gospel.

and then there's me.  and i'm like, "i'm… i'mma gonna play over here with your kids. probs tell 'em a story about Jesus.  then feed them graham crackers and send them back to you."

our LifeGroup has been going through Romans for the past few months which i have just loved.  it's the theology for 4 year olds, but on a post-grad intellectual level.  it's Paul giving the Romans the low-down on Christianity, starting at the very, very beginning, then spiraling outwards.  it's the early AD-edition of Christianity for Dummies.  best thing ever. 

because even Paul the Apostle says in there, "i'm speaking in human terms because of your natural limitations."

basically: you feel stupid.  but you're a human, so it's okay.  here's what humans need to know: Romans Road- SHA-BAM!! 

           nailed.

                       it.

Jesus said it first.  be a kid.  don't be a smart-aleck.  be a kid.  they do stupid things, they ask stupid questions, they have stupid-short attention spans. but those lil' Munchkins GET IT.  and they GET ME. 

i wonder if He got as excited over His disciples as we do if we can get all 18 pre-Ks to stand in a semi-straight line. 

every time Simon Peter opened his mouth to put his foot in…  (Teacher, TIE MY SHOE RIGHT NOW!)

every fight He had to stop over who was the "best" disciple… (Teacher, i -*sniffle* -didn't win- *sniffle sniffle*- the raaaaaace!!!- *sustained howling cry*)

every time someone interrupted His nap or personal time because of a new crisis… Jesus- WAKE UP!!  WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIIEEEEEEEE!!! ("Teacher… i needed to use the potty 10 minutes ago."  "okay- you may go." … "i did, Teacher."  …….oh.)

even something as simple as a potty break can turn into a drama-laden adventure with a kid. they get the simplest questions completely wrong.  the one time we asked them to color outside the lines was the one time they didn't, and so the craft didn't work, because only the crayon outside the lines showed the outline of the cross that was removed-  the cross they all colored so dutifully minding the lines.  they go astray a lot; we gave up on "Simon Says" because they all try so hard to follow ALL the rules every time that they get confused at NOT obeying the Teacher when she gives an order. they don't know who Simon is, but by gum Teacher said to JUMP!!  -but if Teacher says, "we're done coloring- it's story time now" their whole world comes to a screeching halt. 

those are the ones Romans was written for. i'll catch up to the brainiacs one day, but until then you can find me spinning in circles on the playground, getting dirty and building theology as we build 4-course dinners with Play-Doh.  any Munchkins out there who want to join in, you sure can- as long as you learn the songs ;)