there is a short
list of hymns and songs that have had quite an impact on my life, one of them
being "I Surrender All," specifically Brian Littrell's version,
because that's the one on the CD i bought, never imagining how that WOW Hymns
music would affect me.
i still remember
that moment- that cool fall night in October 2009 when i was utterly fed up
with a crap load of circumstances that i couldn't control or change or easily
deal with. i slammed those nursing
textbooks shut with great vigor and took to the almost deserted sidewalks of
campus with the cheap iPod i had and just walked for ages, listening to these
modernized hymns, knowing there were something in them that i was missing- just
having no idea what it was. then this
song came on for about the thousandth time, right at the very end of the
walk. i collapsed against the decorative
column outside the dorm and just listened.
didn't try to figure
anything out.
didn't try to over-think anything or understand.
i just
listened. and then it hit me- and i
understood. or at least understood a bit more.
the ASL sign for
"surrender" is literally throwing both hands up over your head, palms
open and upward. now, no matter how big
and strong your hands are, whatever is in them is up for the taking. you can't hold anything back without getting
carpal tunnel, can't even keep a pencil without seriously cramping that
pinky.
you. can't. keep.
anything.
when good old Brian
was singing "I surrender all," he meant ALL. EVERYTHING.
which is a whole lot, people.
it's everything. it's actually more than every single thing- it's not
just things. "Everything"
includes the not-things as well. they're
not tangible, they're invisible, have no weight, don't fill up a backpack like
they fill up a life, yet need to be shoved onto the altar as well.
what hit me was all
the not-things that i'd been holding on to.
not-things like self-esteem... grades... importance... my sanity. (well, that last one was borderline). some anger and frustration. the
"need" for control. emotions,
ideas, circumstances, plans, dreams, motivations. my altar up until that point was just too
small. some of the not-things had slipped off the edge and fallen back within
reach of my hands which were only half-heartedly in the surrendering pose,
eager to maintain control of those few bits of my chaotic life that i could
still grasp.
surrendering means
you don't get to control things. you control NONE of the things. head down, hands up, palms facing the sun,
over your head- you're not really in a good position for taking, negotiating, bargaining, bossing, begging.
it's a really good
position for obeying, however.
Abraham's defining
moment only happened because he was (spiritually speaking), in a surrendering
position. he heard, "You need to
surrender ALL," and he opened his hands over his head, with every thing
and every not-thing in his palms and said, "take it. take it all.
i can't hold on to any of it."
i'm willing to bet
those hands were shaking a bit when he heard the "all" that was
required of him. giving up his entire
future, his life, his crowning achievement, his social status, his sanity, his
ethical code- that and even more. it was
all hanging in the balance.
he wasn't given a
guarantee, like, "hey- if you pretend to give this up to Me, i'll give it
all back and then some by this date."
he was given a
command. "surrender this. to me. here."
head down, hands up.
he walked like that
all the way to the mountain. all the way
up the mountain. building the altar. all
the way until the knife was up in the air.
the neat thing is
that once your hands are empty of the things and the not-things,- when it's all
surrendered and gone,- they're empty to be filled by all things and more. it sounds a bit contradictory at first, and
some times it looks downright heretical or backwards or wrong. putting your kid
on a handmade stone altar, with a lit torch in one hand, blade in the other-
probably not what the heathen-turned-faith champ was expecting, especially
because the God who GAVE him that impossible miracle kid now wants him BACK.
understanding isn't
part of it. obeying is. obeying is all of it. i probably won't get a ram for a Christmas
present this year. but there are promises that i have that not even Abraham
had. it's just those promises come after the altar.
time to get these
hands off the keyboard and up in the air. time to climb the mountain and make that altar a bit bigger again. time to surrender again, obey again.
head down, hands up.
