go take a hike (but please bring a map!)

i had a wonderful, completely laid-out and well planned post from beginning to end all in my head, before it decided to shut down.

now i got nuthin.'

some days just stink, to be honest. 

it's been no secret (at all) that i've had a pile of issues i've been working through, with shockingly little visible progress (from my perspective, anyway).  if you didn't know and somehow missed out on this, thank you for ignoring it. 

it's been a bit more of a secret that the past couple weeks have really been much better than average. despite absolutely nothing being stable except some well-grounded friends who insist that i eat and sleep and worry about the nonsense afterwards, for a while i thought maybe the valley was heading toward higher ground.

let me just tell ya.  you know what really stinks?

life's a roller coaster- i know that.  but all the ups and downs you've been riding, thinking they're mountains and valleys- when a random beautiful day comes along and you find out those mountains and valleys are nothing more than hills and holes IN THE MIDDLE OF the real valley.

to put this delicately, it hurts like a brick to the face. 

it sucks the breath right out of you and knocks you to your knees.  literally as well as figuratively.   the noise and the pain cancel each other out so you don't hear or feel anything.   all the miles of progress turned out to be numbers on a treadmill and you're in the exact same spot, except that with the new-found perspective, the mountain is twice as big as you thought at first, but your energy is now half, or less. 

does that sound over-dramatic? pssht- you should'a seen my face today.  i think we took "dramatic" to a whole new level.

note to self: don't drown yourself in denial for 20 years ever again.  it's what turns hills and holes into mountains and valleys.  denial- sounds great until it conks out on you two decades later and leaves you all alone in a ditch. if you're lucky it will throw a roadmap out the window towards you with a sneer. 

awesome- now you have a roadmap.

not awesome- you're still in a frggin' DITCH. it's probably raining, too. 

this afternoon was the first time in ages i just wanted to run away-actually skip out on the Cubbies. i was getting craft time ready an hour or two before and having a conversation with Jesus when i just had to collapse into a soggy wad and dehydrate my eyes all over my sleeves.  progress: what progress? prayers went: who knows? hoping i could avoid this agonizing problem for just a little while longer and deal with other, smaller, easier problems first/instead? apparently not. because this sucker popped up and laughed in my face. no roadmap- just the sneer. no hope from *that* side!  i just couldn't take seeing those Cubbies and feeling like the hugest fraud in the church building. could. not. take it!  or so i thought.  actually, neither could they.  just sayin', these 4 year olds conquered the whole "first Adam vs second Adam" concept exceptionally well a few months ago, but the "fishermen vs fishers OF men" idea? not happening.  those poor children did not get it. at all.and got right up in my face to tell me so.  ***side note: best 20 seconds of my entire week- having 4 incredibly adorable faces IN MY FACE telling me, for almost the first time, that they actually didn't understand their Bible story and needed me to explain it again. and 7 other equally adorable faces behind those asking when game time was. i actually TAUGHT those kids something new.  or tried to, in any case***

good news is that Peter didn't get a whole lot either. he had some major hills and holes as well, and on a random beautiful day when he least expected it, he found someone who could not only substitute Denial's stupid roadmap- for a scary, long, exhausting, confusing but HOPEFUL, PROMISING, and ASSURED route to that incredible mountaintop end in glory,-

but also said he'd lead the way, all the way. 

and good glory, if He didn't give up on Peter, of all people, then he prob won't drop me, either.  

i've got a several-hour-long playlist of mostly K-LOVE music that has been playing basically non-stop wherever i am, for the past… really long time.  this is a very small sampling. i think more people read the words is i put them down, than would clink on a link to listen to the whole song, so here's a couple of the so-true-it-hurts songs that keep me grounded and refocus my mind. i think there must be a reason so many of them refer to walking (and walking and walking) or mountains or feeling completely lost in the middle of nowhere good. 

but i KNOW there's a reason they all refer to someone else being there.  

 

just a closer walk with thee- grant it, Jesus, is my plea. daily walking close to Thee, let it be, dear Lord, let it be. I am weak, but Thou art strong Jesus, keep me from all wrong I'll be satisfied as long as i walk, let me walk, close to Thee through this world of toil and cares if i falter, Lord, who cares? who with me my burden shares? none but thee, dear Lord, none but thee

i remember the moment, i remember the pain, i was only a girl, but i grew up that day. tears were falling, i know you saw me. hiding there in my bedroom, so alone, i was doing my best trying to be strong- no-one to turn to, that's when i met you. all this time, from the first tear cried, til today's sunrise, and every single moment between- You were there, You were always there. it was You and i- You've been walking with me all this time. ever since that day it's been clear to me that no matter what comes You will never leave i know You're for me and You're restoring every heartache and failure, every broken dream You're the God Who Sees and You will never leave this is my story- this is my story! all this time, from the first tear cried, til today's sunrise, and every single moment between- You were there, You were always there. it was You and i- You've been walking with me all this time.

o God, my God, I cry out Your beloved needs you now. God be near, calm my fear, and take my doubt. your kindness is what pulls me up, and your love is all that draws me  in i will lift my eyes to maker of the mountains i can't climb i will lift my eyes to Calmer of the oceans raging wild i will lift my eyes to the healer of the hurt i hold inside i will my eyes, lift my eyes to You. o God my God, let mercy sing a melody over me God right here, all i bring, is all of me your kindness is what pulls me up and your love is all that draws me in. i will lift my eyes to maker of the mountains i can't climb i will lift my eyes to Calmer of the oceans raging wild i will lift my eyes to the healer of the hurt i hold inside i will my eyes, lift my eyes to You. cause you are and you were and you will be forever the love that i need to save me cause you fashioned the earth and you hold it together, God, so hold me now.

I don’t know where to go from here It all used to seem so clear I’m finding I can’t do this on my own I don’t know where to go from here As long as I know that You are near I’m done fighting I’m finally letting go I will trust in You You’ve never failed before I will trust in You If there’s a road I should walk Help me find it If I need to be still Give me peace for the moment Whatever Your will Whatever Your will Can you help me find it Can you help me find it I’m giving You fear and You give faith I giving you doubt You give me grace For every step I’ve never been alone Even when it hurts, You’ll have Your way Even in the valley I will say With every breath You’ve never let me go I will wait for You You’ve never failed before I will wait for You I lift my empty hands Have Your way my King I lift my eyes again ‘Cause You are all I need