oh, to be a child in 1835!!

i feel like i learned so much this week.

in all actuality, it was probably a lot less than it feels like it was.

but still!!

1) kids in the early 1800's were a heckofalot tougher than kids today.  good glory!  one of the best parts of my growing collection of classical literature is Hans Christian Anderson's Complete Fairy Tales.

i just have to say that first off, this "complete" collection of fairy tales is completely DIFFERENT than the Grimm Brothers' "Complete Fairy Tales." which amuses me greatly.

but also, THESE FAIRY TALES ARE TERRIFYING!!!! i almost had nightmares from a couple of these!!  fascinating, but not something i would ever read to a small child immediately before turning the lights off and leaving them alone in the dark all night long.

2) i am entering a new phase of life. this phase is entirely coated with cat fur.  i think the only item in my possession that has no fur on it (that i know of) is my towel hanging just out of paw's reach.  i think that if this cat were no declawed we might be having some more serious talks, but this cat is declawed and fabulous.  i think he knows it, too.  i love this cat.  if i ever don't want to get up and do something, he's ALWAYS right there and trying to sit on my leg, face, shoulder or at least my foot.  when i sleep on my side, he's gotten pretty good at balancing on my other side.  to prove my point: i stood up for 2 minutes, and he has made himself quite comfortable in the exact place i had been.  but he's purring and pretty so i let him.

3) tv is depressing. i thought i liked being an informed american. then i found out by staying NOT informed, that i am completely ignorant but SO much happier!! also, i found the 6th season of Psych and it ended on a potentially horrible note.  i have not seen any of the new season, but that was either a horrible season closer or the cruelest cliffhanger ever.  i also caught up with the rest of the nation and saw the final season of House. i pretty much wanted to cry and then watch it again and hope for a more satisfying ending. 

4) i think we ought to have a second round of gift-giving at Easter time.  it's just too much fun and for a good cause :) if Christmas is a big deal, then Ester oughta be at least as big a deal, so we may as well get the food and family involved and send some presents everywhere.  if some doc tells me someday that i have 6 months to live, and it's february, i would be happy knowing i still had one more fantastic holiday to celebrate. not that there would be a shortage of celebration in heaven, of course.  just sayin'. why not celebrate here, too?

5) i am not a normal person. sorry, just not.  i like my job and co-workers and apartment, use proper grammar when at all possible, and love showing up at work in the dead of night with something to share. my bad days are when i think i am supposed to have a problem with being different.  my best days are those when i have long random conversations with cool, fairly normal people who just remind me that abnormal is okay -and sometimes- pretty awesome.  there are too many lies out there to get tangled up in and it takes a while to cut through all that underbrush .  much easier just to not trick yourself into being someone/something you're not for a lie when the simple truth is right in front of you.

6) spring needs to hurry up and come. and then stay for a bit. pretty sure i was in short sleeves with the air conditioning on by this time last year.  i'm okay with going back to that now.  i am still wearing my jacket indoors and sitting under the heating vents. 

7) i love how Perry followed me downstairs to make a cup of tea, then back upstairs to sit ON me (not NEXT TO) and is watching The Killers with me at 2 am. 

because even with bullets and cuss words flying, it is still less scary than the original Thumbelina story.

a ton on my mind and a cat ON my elbow...

i just had one of those days that could have been a disaster.  bad things happen when you have a day like mine and then listen to Chris Tomlin while driving down the bypass at 55 mph.  crying while behind the wheel of a car going really fast is never advisable, but sometimes unavoidable.

ever had one of those days when the idea of an all-consuming, all-powerful, never-ending love just knocks you off your feet? and all you can do is just sit there and take it? and all you're thinking is how nothing else matters too much anymore?

*insert Chris Tomlin here*

to back up a good number of hours, i woke up early afternoon  feeling excellent. after a fairly excellent nigh at work. birds were singing outside and a huge cat was purring directly into my face from a distance of about 4 inches. i had a Hobby Lobby shopping list that expanded as soon as i walked in the door from the best parking spot ever.  and then because i had 4 hours before a meeting, i crossed Vann Drive and picked up a new book by a favorite author in Books a Million.

that's when this guy walks in and decides to sit right next to me. two and a half of those hours go by before he decides to ask my opinion on the legalization of pot. i tried to find a non-committal way of saying, "frankly sir, i do not care." but he isn't great at picking up on subtle cues and keeps talking and then asking my opinion on issues that i either know nothing about or did not even know WERE issues.  this guy is apparently very concerned about the war on drugs and how this was driving so much of this nation's criminal activity. and i just had to disagree a bit and say that i thought sin and selfishness were a bit more to blame. 

the next 90 minutes of my life were filled with this energetic middle aged man expounding to me all the reasons he was no longer a religious OR a spiritual person and why no Christian could possibly give him enough answers to prove Christianity conclusively and therefore religious people were all hypocrites.  for instance, if God really was all-powerful and good, then why will you not ever find a case of Him healing an amputee? nota one! no matter if every human on earth all sat down and prayed at the same time for an amputee's arm to come back. clearly, God is not all He is cracked up to be.  there's just too much bad. the idea of a "good" God and the mere existence of a "hell" are two incompatible truths. 

i was at a loss. i hate discussions like this because he didn't really want an answer.  misquoting Bible verses to "dis-prove" religion and then not letting me use any sort of Bible context to respond is just not fair, first of all. he listened half-heartedly and then energetically blew off anything i just finished saying.  which wasn't alot.

i was relieved when i finally had to leave. but the conversation still hasn't left my mind.  this meeting i was at involved some discussion on real-life situations that are a daily reality for way too many kids. i know some of these kids and the thought of what they have to handle from such an early age is just foreign.

i left, and all i could think of was this prior conversation with yet another human who just can't understand a good God and ….

...and really how i have no good answer to that.  not that i can easily put into words.

i had a good day tod.. well, yesterday, now.

but i've had a handful of… years… that were not good. the dude in the bookstore probably made all the same assumptions that most people do about who i am, what i've done and seen, and what i believe. most people are wrong, but that's beside the point.

the point is that while i can look back and see how at least some of it played a vital role in making me into the "me" i am.  but some of it i still wrestle with, still haven't come to terms with entirely, still even have the occasional nightmare about. there are honestly some terrible memories i have, with no positive outcome or result that i can see.  if i could see the purpose in it, could see what good came out of it, then i would totally be okay with it- i promise! but i can't. 

but this is the part where good ole' Chris Tomlin comes on and reminds me that it's totally possible for there to be a good God who lets us make a choice to love because there is no love unless there's a choice.  and that God really does know everything, and because i don't there are tons of answers that i can't give to tough questions… but i know the One who does have the answers.  and it's gonna be enough for me.  there's a love that is present in this world, and the ones who are in tune with it can tell you what it does. it drowns out fear. and hopelessness. and doubts. and pain. and anger. this love is too big to let petty things like temporary insecurities defeat it. not to trivialize the tragedies that affect persons and plague nations by any means- they are horrible, some of them downright evil, but however big the evil is, the love is an even bigger answer than the questions call for.   THE answer, really. completely NOT provable by science or even rational thought.  there is almost no good reason why a God would even think to make us, and then go beyond our wildest imaginations to go redeem us, remake us AGAIN, after the incredible lengths humans have gone through to cut Him out of our lives and go our own ways.  it's a crazy, relentlessly insane concept that could blow out of the water any philosophy book in that entire little bookstore.  i pointed the guy to a couple CS Lewis books because that guy is so much smarter than me and might be able to speak to the bookstore creeper in ways i can't, and also because he's British which means you can read it in a cool accent and it just makes the whole experience 10 times better. 

i still don't recommend bursting into tears while driving, but i wholeheartedly DO recommend setting aside some time (while NOT in potentially life-threatening situations) to ponder how you would answer the complete stranger who asked you to reconcile a messed-up world with a "good" God. because you're going to meet one someday who might actually want to know.  and if the idea of that Good God just brings you to overflow with tears of joy, know that you are surrounded by a Love that is even more thrilled than you are.  and by skeptics who think you're insane for believing it.  and by a host of guardian angels who will keep you from causing accidents on the road if that's where you are when the moment hits you.

if you're one of those skeptics, i can't do much more than point to the bookshelf with CS Lewis. if you've read this far into the post, then you've already seen me confess that i don't have much more of an answer.

but maybe i don't have to.